[Alabama Summer 01.0] Where I Belong

by J. Daniels

  “What are you doing?”

  My eyes shoot open and I spin around, coming face to face with a very angry Ben. “Uh, I’m sorry. I was just borrowing your stereo. I didn’t mean to . . .”

  He pushes me out of the way and bends down, picking up the scattered pieces. “What did you do?” I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off. “You broke it. It’s ruined. Why are you even in here? I’ve told you never to come in my room.”

  I step back, holding my hands out in front of me. “I’m so sorry. Tessa asked me to grab it and I tripped.”

  He throws the pieces of the stereo against the wall. “Stay away from my stuff! Get out! God, I hate you! I hate you!”

  I dart out of the room, through the house, and back outside. Tessa sits up and studies my empty hands, tilting her head.

  “Where’s the stereo?”

  “Your brother’s home. I broke it. He’s really angry.”

  Her mouth drops open. “Uh oh.”

  “Tessa!” Ben’s voice booms out the sliding glass door I haven’t closed.

  We both wince and run for our lives.

  I sigh, clearing that God-awful memory from my head. That was the last time I stepped foot in Ben’s room. I understood his anger at the time, but it was an accident. And I felt so bad about it; I saved up my allowances and used the money to buy him a new stereo. But that didn’t matter. Not to Ben. He still acted like my very existence pissed him off. And that attitude continued until I moved away nine years ago.

  My existence doesn’t seem to bother him now.

  I make myself a cup of coffee, moving to stand in front of the sliding glass door as I stir in my creamer.

  Ben is in the pool with Nolan, pushing him around on a boogie board. He seems like a natural father, and seeing him with Nolan does things to me. Things that I try to ignore. He holds on to Nolan’s hand so he can stand up on the board and pretend he is surfing. They are both smiling at each other, and watching him share this moment with his son, shows Ben in a completely new light. It distances him from the Ben I remember from years ago even more. I don’t want to be intrigued by this Ben, but I am. My brain is screaming at me to stay away from him, but the way my body reacts in his presence is becoming harder to ignore. Hell, I practically came in his arms yesterday at the dam. That would’ve been slightly embarrassing. He was barely touching me and I was whimpering like I’d actually die if he stopped. Thank God, he spoke and snapped me out of my pathetic state. I really didn’t want to fall apart like that. I wanted him to keep his distance from me. Being in his presence felt dangerous. I didn’t trust my body around him. It seemed to betray me every chance it got. He didn’t even have to work to get me close to orgasm. Just stick him in my general vicinity, and I’m immediately firing on all cylinders and holding the starter pistol in my hand with my finger on the trigger.

  Just pathetic.

  I don’t even resist the urge to stare at him while he’s in the pool. It’s a battle I know I’d lose anyway, so I might as well save my energy.

  The sun beams off his chest, and as he turns in the pool, I watch as the muscles of his back ripple with his movements. The dark ink of his tattoo seems to stand out even more in the sun, and I want to be close to him. Close enough to study the design and read the words that are etched on his skin. His hair is wet and sticking up a bit, reminding me of the way it looked the other morning after our night together. There is no ignoring how attractive Ben is. And Nolan does resemble his dad, but I’d never label Ben as cute. He is ridiculously handsome, almost too good looking to be real. His words to me from yesterday keep playing on loop in my head. You are mine. He was so sure of himself, so certain that I found myself considering the possibility of actually being his. But I’ve hated him for so long, it seems impossible to let go of that emotion. Desiring someone and actually liking them are two completely separate things. And I can’t deny that I desire Ben.

  It is the whole liking thing that I’m having trouble with.

  “Enjoying the morning view?”

  I nearly drop my mug as Tessa comes barreling into my inner thoughts.

  “Jesus. You scared the crap out of me.” I glance over at her teasing smile, ignoring it as I take my first sip of my now cold coffee.

  She waves at Nolan who does the same, smiling wide as he does it. Ben seems to only notice me, and I try to ignore that also.

  “If I were to ask you how wet you are right now, what would you say?” Tessa inquires.

  “My God. Is there any topic that’s off limits to you?”

  She thinks it over for a moment, twirling her hair around her finger. “Nope.”

  I step away from the door and sit down on the arm of the sofa. “Why didn’t you tell me Ben has a kid?”

  She shrugs once. “I told you he isn’t the same guy he used to be.”

  “Just because someone isn’t the same guy, doesn’t mean they have little dimpled lookalikes running around. Did you really think that was how I’d interpret that?”

  She moves to the chair next to me and slumps down in it. “I figured you’d find out eventually, especially if you give Ben a chance and actually hang out with him, Little Miss Unwilling to Let Go of the Past.”

  I ignore that last dig. “Where’s the mom in all this? I’m assuming, considering what’s transpired over the past several days, she isn’t in the picture?” I take another sip of my coffee, contemplating the idea of Ben being married to someone. My stomach rolls at the thought.

  “Ugh, don’t get me started on that bitch.” Tessa gathers her hair off her neck while I wait for her to elaborate. “She’s so bitter about not being with Ben that she uses that against him. They were never together. It was just a drunken hookup that she’s tried to make into something more, but because Ben isn’t interested, she gives him as little time as possible with Nolan. Shit is fucked up.”

  “That’s horrible. She shouldn’t be able to keep his own son from him.”

  “Yeah, well, tell that to the freaking judge that gave her primary custody. Ben still gets to see him but not nearly as much as she does. And he should definitely get him more. He’s the better parent.” She pushes to her feet and pulls her phone out of her pocket. “I’m gonna run to the hospital and drop off the transcriptions I did for Doctor Willis this week. Wanna come?”

  I stand and glance once more out the sliding glass door. “Nah, I’d better give my mom a call. See how she’s doing.”

  Tessa looks at me knowingly, silently communicating that she is here for me if I need her. I’ve never kept any of the details about my mom’s illness from her, and she and I spent several nights on the phone together, while she just listened to me cry.

  I walk back into my room and set my coffee mug on my dresser, swapping it for my phone. After three rings, my aunt’s voice comes through the other end.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Aunt Mae. How’s everything going? How is she?”

  “She’s fantastic, Mia. Here, I’ll hand her the phone.”

  I wait anxiously for my mother’s voice, and after only a few short seconds, I’m rewarded with it.

  “Hi, sweetheart. How are you?” Her voice is strong, and I can hear the smile behind it.

  I can’t help the tears that fall down my cheeks, but I keep my voice steady. “I’m so good, Mom. I miss you, though.”

  “I miss you, too. How is everyone there? Are you and Tessa staying out of trouble?”

  “Yes, of course. We haven’t done anything illegal yet.”

  My mom’s laughter fills the phone, a sound I went several months without hearing when she was at her worst. “And her brother? Is he behaving himself around you?”

  I hesitate, not really knowing how to answer that question. “He’s . . . different. I don’t know. It’s strange getting used to this Ben when I was anticipating the old one.”

  “Well, time changes people,” she states obviously. “It’s certainly changed you over the years. My little girl became this beautiful youn
g lady.”

  I smile and lie back on the bed, playing with the hem of my dress. “You sound really good. How is your strength? Are you eating? Are you having any more of those dizzy spells?”

  “Oh, honey, I’m perfect.” More tears fill my eyes, and I sniffle quietly away from the phone. “Your aunt and I went for a walk yesterday at the park. It was too nice of a day to stay indoors. I fed some ducks for you.”

  “Oh, the duck pond. I love that place.” I sit up when I hear crying coming from down the hallway. Little, dimpled look-alike crying. “Hey, Mom. Can I call you back?”

  “Sweetheart, enjoy yourself. Don’t worry about me. I’m feeling great, okay?”

  I swing my legs out of bed and stand up. “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I smile and toss my phone on the bed, walking toward the cries that seem to get more hysterical the closer I get. Nolan is sitting on the kitchen counter, wrapped up in a towel and trying to pull his knee away from Ben.

  “Ahhhh stop! No, Daddy!”

  “Buddy, let me look at it. I need to clean it out.”

  I walk over to them, and Nolan’s eyes turn toward me. “Oh, no. What happened, Sir Nolan?” I place my hand on his shin, wrapping my fingers around his calf. He tenses a bit but doesn’t pull away from me. “Brave knights don’t cry when they get boo boos, do they?”

  He dries up his tears and shakes his head at me, his tiny lip trembling. His knee is scraped up and a bit of blood is pooling on the wound.

  “I fewl.” He sniffs. “Daddy’s gonna huwrt it.”

  I look up at Ben, meeting his gaze that I didn’t realize was already fixated on me. “Daddy’s not gonna hurt it. Are you, Daddy?” I don’t mean for my tone to sound seductive, but given the intensified stare that shifts in Ben’s eyes, I’m guessing it comes off as that. He blinks rapidly, dropping his gaze to Nolan’s. I do the same. “You know, some princesses carry magical powers. And guess what?”

  “What?” His eyes go wide and his voice becomes a fascinated whisper.

  “I’m one of those princesses.”

  I disappear down the hallway and retrieve a small medicine bag that I carry with me out of habit. And this medicine bag just so happens to be covered in glitter. Very magical.

  “What is that?” Nolan asks, the fear completely wiped from his voice and replaced with wild curiosity.

  “This,” I open the zipper and begin rummaging through it, “is my magic bag. It’s filled with stuff to make knights feel better.” I pull out some disinfectant spray, a few pieces of gauze, and a band aid. I place the bag on the counter next to Nolan, seeing his eyes broaden as he tries to see down into it. “Look in the bag and tell me what you see.”

  He becomes distracted, rattling off the list of items and allowing me to spray the gauze and apply it gently to his knee. Ben watches me intently from the side, my eyes meeting his every few seconds. I want to focus solely on my task, but my eyes betray me, and I allow them to wander. I blow softly on the scrape, but Nolan doesn’t notice.

  “What’s this?” Nolan pulls out an ace bandage, unraveling it to the floor. “Whoa!”

  I giggle and apply the band aid to his knee. “That is for brave knights that endure dragon injuries.” I raise an eyebrow at him and he grins. “Do you have any dragon injuries?”

  He nods anxiously. “I got hit by a tail wight hewre.” He points to the invisible injury on his head, and Ben and I chuckle.

  “Well, if it’s okay with your daddy, I can wrap you up with my magic band.”

  “Pwease, Daddy?”

  Ben picks up the ace bandage and holds it out to me. “Well, I can’t have you bleeding all over my truck with that massive head wound.” He winks at me, placing the bandage into my hand.

  I wrap up Nolan’s head as he adorably giggles. “Sir Nolan, you look ready to take on a land of dragons.”

  Ben picks him up, kissing his cheek before placing him on the ground.

  I am about to turn when two tiny arms wrap around my legs. He smiles up at me before running toward the couch, picking up his sword and commencing the battle he seems to be constantly fighting in.

  “That was amazing,” Ben states, causing me to turn and look up into his eyes. We are standing inches apart, close enough to touch each other if we want to. “I couldn’t go anywhere near his scrape, and you cleaned it out and stuck a band aid on it without him even flinching.”

  “Everyone forgets their fears when they’re distracted. And a magic bag to a three-year-old is very distracting.”

  He moves in closer to me, his eyes flicking toward Nolan momentarily. His hand brushes against mine before he grabs it, interlocking our fingers. I try to pull mine out of his, but he holds it tighter.

  “How am I supposed to make you like me if you won’t let go of who I used to be?”

  I pull harder, but he moves closer, eliminating all space between us. “I’m . . . not ready to like you yet.”

  He smiles, and it is so unexpected that I actually giggle like a complete fool. I slap my free hand over my mouth.

  “Yet,” he echoes. His eyes do a quick sweep down my body. “You look really pretty, by the way.”

  I swallow loudly, almost uncomfortably, as I drop my hand. “Thanks.”

  It’s suddenly feeling a thousand degrees hotter in here, and I need to back up. I need to put some space between us. I need to pull my hand out of his. But for some stupid reason, I can’t. I want to yank my hand away. I want my feet to move. My brain is screaming at me right now to do the right thing here, but my body is overpowering it.

  Goddamn it. Why does it have to feel good to be this close to him? Why can’t he have halitosis or be all fluffy instead of a mountain of muscle with inviting breath? I may not have control over my body right now, but I still have use of my mouth.

  Shit. And now I’m thinking about what I could do with my mouth. Shit!

  I take in a deep breath and clamp my eyes shut, needing to at least take away the visual of him. “Ben, please back up.”

  He laughs softly above me. “Why are your eyes closed?”

  “They just are. Can you please back up?”

  He laughs again. And damn it, I love his sounds too. “Do you really want me to back up?”

  “Ben.”

  “I’m just making sure.” I feel his thumb brush along the skin of my hand. “You look really pretty, Mia.”

  “You already said that.”

  “And I’m going to keep saying it.”

  I open my eyes and stare up into his. There’s nothing but kindness in them. No underlining lust. No hidden motives or agendas behind those crazy gray eyes. I suppose they’ve always been this amazing to look into, but nine years ago, I avoided them at all costs. Of course, nine years ago, he’d never have put himself this close to me. And he definitely wouldn’t have given me a compliment.

  He smiles, dropping my hand after giving it a light squeeze. “I mean it. I’m going to keep telling you that. You might as well get use to it.”

  I look down at my feet, concealing my flushed cheeks. “Okay.”

  He finally steps back and I peek up, seeing him turn away from me. “Come on, buddy. Say goodbye to Princess Mia.”

  “Bye, Pwincess Mia.” Nolan waves, tapping Ben’s legs with his sword.

  “Bye, Sir Nolan. If I see any dragons, I’ll send them your way.”

  I turn and head toward the bedroom. And I know I shouldn’t, I know I’ve had enough of him today, but I look over my shoulder anyway and lock on to Ben’s eyes.

  It’s as if he is waiting for that last glance, because as soon as he gets it, he’s out the door.

  “GOODNIGHT, BUDDY. LOVE you.”

  I squeeze Nolan against my chest, hearing his sleepy yawn. He rubs his face against my shirt before looking up at me, reaching his finger toward my face. I smile as he runs his finger down my nose, and he giggles when I do the same to him.

  “Nighty, Daddy.” He scrambles down the hallway, Ang
ie following close behind him.

  I hate sharing custody of my own kid. I want Nolan with me all the time, not just on days a judge allots. The system isn’t fair to fathers. Angie is a mediocre mom, at best, and she gets primary custody just because she gave birth to him. I hate leaving Nolan with her. She isn’t very attentive to him and that shit eats away at me. She never takes him anywhere, not even outside. Nolan is an easy kid. It doesn’t take much to make him happy. And the thought of her not making him happy nearly kills me.

  Now that he’s getting older and figuring things out, he’s beginning to ask questions. Questions I don’t want to answer yet. He wants to know why he can’t spend the night at my house every night, or why I don’t live with him and his mother. I know I’ll eventually have to answer them, but for right now, I am able to get away with changing the subject to something that catches his attention. Like dragons.

  And now when I think of dragons, I think of Mia.

  She was amazing with him today, and he took to her like she was Tessa, who he also adores. I’ve never been so completely captivated by someone. She knew exactly how to handle Nolan, and God, she was sexy doing it. The way her tongue rubbed the corner of her mouth while she cleaned out his cut. The way her lips rounded out when she blew on his knee. The way her hair fell past her shoulders, tickling her breasts while she wrapped the bandage around his head. She calmed him down immediately, and she’d only met him an hour before. And the whole knighting thing? Christ, if that wasn’t the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for him.

  I had to touch her; it was killing me not to. So I took her hand and held it like I had that night at the bar. That slight bit of contact was enough for me. Then she gave me a yet, and I felt as if I’d been holding her for years. Pure euphoria washed over me. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, and I finally had hope. Hope that I was slowly tearing down her walls. Hope that she’d eventually come to like me, and maybe even more than that. I could work with a yet.

  “Who the hell is Princess Mia?” Angie asks, walking into the kitchen with an irritated expression. “Nolan went on and on about some Princess that he killed dragons for today.”