“I know.” Courtney sighed. “But I want to wait until after the wedding. I don’t want to add to Rebecca’s stress.”
“She has an entourage planning the wedding for her,” Peyton said. “All that’s stressing her out is keeping to whatever fad diet she’s trying this month, and deciding which headpiece and what jewelry go best with her dress. As if choosing between a tiara and a veil is some huge decision. It’s a headpiece, not a life crisis. Just pick one already.”
“She does have all those magazines and websites reporting on the wedding,” Courtney said. “They’ll be critiquing everything she wears, and everything she does.”
“If I ever get married, I’m going to elope,” Peyton decided. “Months of worrying about stupid party details is so not worth it.”
“Hey!” Savannah said. “I spent a lot of time worrying about the ‘stupid party details’ for my Sweet Sixteen, and it was a blast.”
“I don’t get how that stuff is fun.” Peyton rolled her eyes.
“You don’t give Rebecca enough credit,” Courtney said. “She’s trying really hard, and she wants you to like her.”
“I don’t give her enough credit?” Peyton shook her head. “You’re the one who thinks she ‘can’t handle’ finding out about you and Brett. And after everything that’s been kept from us recently, I would think you’d want to be honest with her and Adrian.”
“I’m just trying to be considerate,” Courtney said, although her voice was small, as if even she knew it was an excuse. “Anyway, I told Brett I would be at his condo soon.”
“And Damien’s texted me five times in the past fifteen minutes,” Savannah said. “You don’t mind if I stop by his place? It’ll only be for a little bit.”
“It’s fine,” Peyton said, although her chest felt hollow. If she texted Jackson and told him about this weekend, would he want to talk to her as much as Brett and Damien wanted to see Courtney and Savannah? She had no idea. And she wasn’t even excited about her eighteenth birthday this week, because age was only a small problem now compared to the distance. “I have some stuff I have to do before going to bed, anyway.”
They left without asking what “stuff” she had to do, and Peyton went back to her room, opened her computer and got to work.
* * *
The next morning at brunch, they talked about what had happened in Aspen (only the basics, since Adrian and Rebecca didn’t need to hear about all the drama), and about Aunt Sophie’s funeral. Once they’d finished eating and were picking at the remains of their food, Peyton brought a folder out of her bag. Stuffed with papers, it was red and unlabeled, with no signs of what could be inside.
“What’s that?” Rebecca eyed the folder as if it were a bomb.
“Just something I’ve been looking into for next year.” Peyton shrugged and placed it on the table. “I threw it together last night.”
Courtney widened her eyes. “You’ve been looking into something for next year?” she asked. “Since when?”
“A few weeks,” she said. “It’s just something I’m thinking about. I thought Adrian might want to see it.”
“I would like to see.” He eyed Peyton, clearly curious, and pulled the folder toward him. Inside was the colorful stack of papers that she’d printed out last night. The one on top had a heading in large, bold letters that said Gap Semesters. Underneath the title, in smaller font, it said Empowering three-month programs.
“What’s this?” Adrian asked, his fingers grazing the papers.
“It’s some stuff about gap-year programs,” Peyton said. “A friend mentioned it to me, so I looked it up. I didn’t think I would like it, but it actually sounds kind of interesting.”
“What’s a gap year?” Savannah asked.
Rebecca leaned closer to Adrian, and read off the first sheet of paper, “It’s a year between high school and college that you spend traveling, volunteering and learning in real-life situations.” She smiled, and turned back to Peyton. “A friend of mine has a daughter who did one of these.”
Adrian skimmed through the first few pages. “Interesting,” he said. “Does this mean you’ll go to college after this gap year?”
“I’m not sure yet.” Peyton poked her food with her fork. “I don’t know if I definitely want to do the gap year or not. But it sounds like it could be cool.”
After all, soon Courtney would go off to college, and Savannah would probably want to move to LA. Her sisters were going to do amazing things with their lives...and Peyton would be left behind. Her throat tightened at the thought of it. She wished she had something that drove her like academics did for Courtney, and singing did for Savannah. But she didn’t.
A year traveling the world—where she could start fresh, away from everyone she knew—might be exactly what she needed to figure out what she wanted.
“These sound amazing,” Courtney said, reading through the papers. “Latin America, the South Pacific, Asia, Africa, Spain, India...so many choices. I wouldn’t be able to pick just one.”
“I don’t know which to pick, either,” Peyton said. “Maybe you can help me.”
“Of course.” Courtney smiled. “I would like that.”
Adrian placed the packet he’d been checking out down on the table, and he looked surprisingly pleased. “I’m going to look into this further,” he said. “But from what I’ve seen so far, it sounds like a decent option.”
“In the meantime, you should send your deferral in to UNLV,” Rebecca said.
“About that,” Peyton said. “I know the gap year says I have to defer college to go. And I’ll do that. But if I still don’t want to go to college after the gap year, then I’m not going. Okay?”
“But you’ll consider it?” Adrian asked.
“Some of the stuff I read online said that gap years help students realize what they want to study in college,” she said. “If that happens to me, then yeah, I’ll think about it.”
“I think that sounds like a great plan,” Rebecca said, her eyes shining as she looked at Adrian.
“Cool,” Peyton said. “You can keep the folder. I printed all that stuff out for you.”
“Thank you.” Adrian tapped the folder thoughtfully. “I have to admit, this caught me by surprise, in a good way. I’m glad to see you figuring out a direction for next year.”
“I never said I was definitely going,” Peyton reminded him, although the more she thought about the gap-year programs, the more she wanted to go.
“I know.” He nodded. “And speaking of next year, there is something important I want to discuss with all of you.”
“What?” Savannah asked. “Nothing bad, right?”
“Nothing bad,” he assured her. “But I’m sure you remember that last summer I told you that you would be living in Las Vegas for one year, and that after the year was up, you could choose if you wanted to stay, or move in with your grandma and mom.”
“Yeah.” Peyton nodded along with her sisters. So much had been happening recently, and it felt like they had so long until they had to make a decision. But it was almost April. Summer would be here soon. It was crazy how fast this year was flying by.
“I do have custody at the moment,” Adrian said. “But since your mom hasn’t had any setbacks since returning from rehab, if you want to move back to California, that’s your choice. I’m not going to keep you here against your will.”
“I can’t leave here,” Savannah said quickly. “Not after Damien and I finally started dating. I’m staying.”
“I don’t really want to leave, either,” Courtney said, placing a hand gently on Savannah’s shoulder. “But what about what Mom and Grandma want? We can’t do anything without talking to them first.”
“I’m going wherever they go,” Peyton told Adrian. Although did it really matter what she chose, since she mig
ht be traveling next year, anyway?
“You don’t need to make a decision right now,” he said. “Nothing needs to be final until summer. I just wanted to make sure it was on your mind, so you could start thinking about it.”
“We will,” Courtney promised.
“Anyway,” Rebecca said, taking out her iPad and opening up the wedding folder. “Have you decided if you’re bringing dates to the wedding? Because I’d like to finalize table assignments...”
chapter 28:
Madison’s first day back at school after spring break was absolutely awful. She’d hoped to see Savannah, Courtney and Peyton, so she could say something to them about their aunt, but they weren’t there. But honestly, she wasn’t even sure what to say to them. Madison knew nothing about their mom’s side of the family. How was she supposed to be their sister—to ever be close to them like they were with each other—with so much standing between them?
To make things worse, Oliver had disappeared during lunch again. He’d flown them all back from Aspen, and as they went their separate ways, Madison had asked him to find her before lunch so they could sit together. He’d said he would. But then he was nowhere to be found. So she’d had lunch with her friends, smiling and laughing and ignoring the hole in her heart that Oliver had caused by acting like she didn’t matter to him at all.
Once last period ended, she gathered her stuff from her locker and headed out to the parking lot. She couldn’t wait to get back to the condo and have some time to herself.
She’d made it past the fountain when someone called her name. Oliver. Her heart leaped, and she turned to face him, her hand clenched around the strap of her tote bag. He was standing outside the door, so casual in his Ray-Ban Wayfarers, his dark hair in his favorite “messy but styled” look. Minus the brace on his knee, the weight he’d lost and a few light scars on the left side of his face, he looked the same as he had before the car accident. But the energy that normally surrounded him was gone. It was like something was constantly on his mind, worrying him, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
“Hey.” She kept her voice cool, even though her insides warmed at the sight of him.
“Hey.”
“What’s up?”
“Sorry to catch you while you’re in a rush.” He stuck his hands in his pockets and shifted his feet. “But I was hoping to see you before you headed out today.”
“I’m not in a rush,” she said, even though she’d been storming over to the parking lot as if she couldn’t get out of here fast enough.
“Want to sit for a minute?” He motioned to the wrought-iron bench next to the bubbling stone fountain. Madison had always loved that bench. It looked like it had come straight out of a fairy tale.
“Sure.” She sat down, placing her tote at her feet.
He sat next to her and rubbed the back of his neck, as if he didn’t know where to start. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you all day.”
“So you avoided me?” she asked. “If you wanted to talk to me, that’s not a good way to go about it.”
“I wanted to talk to you alone,” he said. “I knew you would be with our friends at lunch. I couldn’t sit there, knowing there was so much I wanted to tell you, but not being able to say any of it because everyone else was listening. I texted you three times during last period, and you never responded, so I rushed out here to make sure I caught you before you left.”
“Oh.” She glanced at her bag, where she’d stashed her phone beneath all her stuff. She’d been in such a crappy mood that she hadn’t checked her texts for hours. “I haven’t checked my phone since lunch.”
“Figured as much.” He smiled. “I know you avoid people when you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset,” she said. “I was just busy.”
“You asked if I would sit with you at lunch, and I said I would,” he said. “You tried to be casual about it, but I know you, Mads. You cared.”
“Fine,” she admitted. “Of course I cared. I thought that after Aspen, we would be back to where we used to be. I thought I would have my best friend back. But then you disappeared again, and I worried that we would be back to where we were before spring break—back to when you were pushing me away.”
“I don’t want to push you away.” He leaned closer to her, and her heart raced so much that she could barely breathe. “I’ve just been thinking a lot about our talk at Ajax Tavern, and I wanted to apologize again.”
“About what?” She watched him closely, curious about where he was going with this.
“About how I blamed you for the accident.”
“You apologized for that already.”
“Not as much as I should have,” he said. “Blaming you for the accident...that was messed up of me. You tried to stop me from driving, but I lashed out to hurt you, knowing it would make you back off. That was my fault. I’m lucky to have you in my life, and I’m not going to take you for granted again. I promise.”
“Thank you.” She laid her hand on top of his to show him how much she meant it. But she wanted more than this small touch—she wanted him to kiss her again. She wanted to know if he cared about her as much as she did for him. She needed to know.
“Why do I feel like there’s something else on your mind?” he asked.
Her cheeks heated, and she looked down at her lap. What if she told him how she felt, and he didn’t feel the same? She could lose him forever.
But Savannah had been honest with Damien, and now they were together. Didn’t Madison deserve that same happiness?
“At Savannah’s party, you said your feelings for me were real.” She lifted her gaze to his again, wishing his sunglasses were off so she could see his eyes. “Was that true? Or were you telling me that so you wouldn’t upset me more?”
“It was all true,” he said. “But I never should have told you that, because it doesn’t really matter.” With that, he pulled his hand away, and her heart felt like it had been smashed.
“How could you think that?” Her chest felt hollow, and she traced the spot where his hand had rested on hers. She wanted to reach for him again, but she didn’t. It would hurt too much if he moved away. “Of course it matters.”
“No, it doesn’t,” he said. “Because in less than a year, you’ll have been accepted by early decision to Stanford and will be getting ready for California. You’ll get there, meet a genius science major and fall in love with him. And I’ll still be here, going to UNLV. Because let’s face it—even though my grades are picking up, I’m not Ivy League material. And even if I were, it’s not my scene. But it’s yours. And you’re going to do amazing there.”
“Hold up.” She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to make sense of what he meant. “You’re saying that your feelings for me don’t matter because of something that may or may not happen a year and a half from now? Because you think I’ll fall for a Stanford science major who doesn’t even exist?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” he said. “Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted for yourself?”
“We have over a year until we go to college,” she said. “This just sounds like another excuse. If you were lying about having feelings for me, I wish you’d just tell me the truth.” She stood and grabbed her tote bag, ready to get out of there.
But before she could walk away, his hand was on her arm, stopping her. Heat surged from the spot where his skin touched hers, and although she knew she shouldn’t, she waited for him to say something. Anything to prove she was wrong.
If he didn’t, she was turning around and going home. She couldn’t think past collapsing on her bed in tears, but she would survive. She always did.
“I’m not lying to you,” he said. “Everything I said was 100 percent truthful. I couldn’t have been more honest.” He pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head, his gaze glued to he
rs, his eyes begging her to believe him. “I’m falling for you, Madison. Hell, I already have fallen for you. And I hate the thought of you eventually leaving and forgetting about me.”
She fell back onto the bench, dropping her bag on the ground. “I could never forget about you,” she said softly. “Because I’m falling for you, too. I have been ever since the first time we kissed last semester. And remember, we have a year and a half until I go to Stanford. That is, if I get into Stanford. I’m still applying to UNLV as a backup.”
“You’ll get into Stanford,” he said. “And when you do, you’re going. You’re not staying here so you can be with me and miss out on your dream school.”
“Whoa.” She held her hands up. “If I get into Stanford, I’m going to Stanford. But there are these great things called planes that’ll let us visit each other on the weekends. And—in case you’ve forgotten—our families own their own planes. So I don’t see why such a short flight would be a problem.”
“I just don’t want to hold you back.”
“Then be honest with me,” she said. “Why did you want to talk to me today?”
“Because...” He paused, as if searching for the right words. “Since we started talking again, there’s been a distance between us, and I hate it. I can’t lose you, Mads. You’re the most important person in my world.”
Her heart leaped into her throat, and it took a few seconds for her to speak. “You’re not going to lose me,” she said. “I promise.”
“Good.” He relaxed for the first time since they’d sat down. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.”
“Really?” She smiled and leaned into him. “How long?”
“Since middle school,” he admitted. “I never thought you felt the same, so I pretended that I only wanted to be friends.”
“And this entire time, I had no idea.” She tilted her head, thinking about all the time they’d spent together. “I never thought you saw me like that. You always seemed interested in every girl except for me.”
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