by Shayna Ryan
His mouth moved to my ear and I heard him whisper, “I love you, Calista”, just as I went over the edge a second time. Unable to hold back any longer, he joined me in my release, and our cries of passion mingled as our bodies gave out in ultimate bliss.
When we finished, we laid there and tried to catch our breath. I didn’t dare move yet, but not just because my body was spent. He had told me that he loved me, and I was overcome by the joy that welled up inside of me until I thought that I might burst.
“I love you too, Will,” I whispered finally. And I did. Never had I felt anything close to what I felt for this man. I never planned to fall in love on my trip to Maine, yet I had. Love had found me at the most unexpected of times in the most unexpected of places. I knew that I loved him even before tonight, but had he not said it to me first, I never would have let him know. Now that I knew that he felt the same, it was impossible to keep it bottled up inside me any longer.
He pulled away from me and disappeared to clean himself up. I stayed on his bed, on my side, just as he had left me. If I moved, maybe the night would slip away from us, but if I stayed perfectly still, perhaps time would as well.
When Will returned, he lay on his back and pulled me to him, and I eagerly snuggled down with my head on his chest so that I could enjoy his heartbeat one final time. He stroked my hair lazily as we lay together.
“Did you mean what you said?” I asked him quietly.
“Absolutely. You’ve stolen my heart, just when I thought no one ever would again. Are you really leaving me tomorrow?”
“Please, Will, don’t spoil it.”
We stayed awake for hours, not speaking, just enjoying each other’s quiet presence. I don’t know when I finally drifted off, but all too soon I felt him pulling away from me to start his day.
“I have to go to work now, but you text me before you leave, okay? I’ll do my best to stay local today so I can see you off. Promise me you won’t leave without saying goodbye?”
“I promise.”
“You’d better keep that promise,” he grumbled. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye, and I refrained from begging him to call out of work to spend the rest of the day with me. There was no point in it when in a few short hours I’d be out of town, and Will’s life, for good.
I never did fall back to sleep. His scent still lingered on his sheets, and I didn’t want to move yet. When I got up and out of this bed, that was it. It would be the official beginning of the end for us.
When I could deny it no longer, I slipped out of bed and headed for the shower to prepare for my trip. My drive home would be a long one, and I aimed to be ready to go when Bobby called to let me know that my vehicle was ready. It was my preference not to get home at midnight if it could be helped.
I packed up my meager things and took one last look around the room. It wasn’t much, but it had been home for the week. As unenthusiastic as I had been about staying there originally, it had grown on me, much like the rest of the Inn.
I dropped my bag in the hall and paused in Will’s doorway. It was just a room, but it was the room where I spent much of one of the best weeks of my life. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t have a single picture of my week at the Inn or my time with Will, so I hastily pulled out my cell phone and snapped one of his bedroom. Even though every last detail felt burned into my brain already, I never wanted to forget it. I had spent some magical hours with Will there in his room.
Dottie had a hot cup of coffee ready for me when I went down to the kitchen, and she sipped a cup of tea at the table with me.
“So you’re really going?”
“I really am. Oh!” I jumped up and grabbed my purse from the front room where I had left my things in anticipation of my departure. “What do I owe you, anyway?” I asked with my check book in hand. If I recalled correctly, she had quoted me $20 a night.
With a wave of her hand, Dottie tried to dismiss my question. “Nothing, really. After all the help you gave me, and seeing how happy you made Will, I couldn’t possibly charge you a dime.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! I slept in your bed and ate your food for a week!”
“And I only wish it had been for longer,” she mused with a twinkle in her eye. “You started here as a last minute guest, but you’ve turned into family, Calista. Just forget about it!”
I wasn’t going to argue with her, but when I went to return my checkbook to my purse in the front entryway, I wrote out a check for the amount I thought was correct and slipped it under the bell on the desk. I could tell Will about it later. Even though money was tight at the moment, there was no way I was going to take advantage of Dottie’s generosity.
“It’s going to be awfully quiet without you around,” Dottie mused. “I’ve really enjoyed your company, you know. Leon and I never did manage to have any children. Will’s like a son to me, but these last few days with you make me regretful that we weren’t blessed with a daughter.”
Her sincerity touched me. “Thanks, Dottie. I’ve really enjoyed my time with you as well.”
“I do hope you’ll come back and visit!”
“We’ll see.” I had been too preoccupied about leaving Will to consider visiting in the future. I didn’t have the heart to tell Dottie, but I doubted that I would. It just didn’t make sense to torture myself by visiting the man I could never have, not without uprooting my life completely. Visits would probably do more harm than good for both of us.
Bobby called a few minutes later to let me know that my car was ready. I told him that I’d be there shortly and then texted Will that I’d be leaving soon. My plan was to pick up my vehicle and then run back to the Inn to say my goodbyes.
The sun shone down as the fallen leaves danced in the wind on my walk to the garage. Bobby was waiting for me, and I paid him my deductible after looking over my car. He had done such a nice job on it that I couldn’t even tell it had been in an accident.
With a sigh, I started my engine and headed back to the Inn. It was time to get this over and done with. As much as I hated to leave Will, it had to be done. I couldn’t give up who I was for any man; not even him.
His cruiser was already parked in the driveway when I arrived, and I took my time walking up the front path to the house. I didn’t want to do this, not one little bit, but what I wanted and what needed doing were two different things.
He was in the kitchen with Dottie, sipping a cup of coffee, and his chair scraped loudly against the wood floor as he stood when I walked in. Our eyes met, and I saw my pain mirrored in his eyes.
“Well, I guess this is it,” I said softly.
Dottie rose shakily from her chair, and to my surprise, came over and gave me a big hug. Her old body felt fragile in my arms, and she smelt of rose water. As I wrapped my arms around her, I realized that I would miss her as well. She had been a constant, upbeat presence for me this past week, and she had really grown on me.
“You come back anytime you like,” she reminded me. “There’s always room for you here.” She gave me a pointed look that only I could see as her back was to Will. The meaning of it was clear–she felt like I belonged there with them.
“I’ll take your bag out,” Will offered when Dottie and I had finished our goodbyes.
We walked hand in hand to my vehicle but neither of us spoke. Will placed my bag in the back and turned to face me.
He pulled me to him and hugged me close, leaning in to breathe in the scent of my shampoo.
“I don’t want you to go.” He spoke so quietly that for a split second I wondered if I had imagined it.
“You know that I have to.”
He pulled back and tucked his index finger under my chin to encourage me to meet his gaze. “You know that’s not true.”
I gave him a rueful smile. Even now, moments from my departure, he was still fighting for me to stay. “And you know that I can’t.”
Those eyes. Those dark, intense eyes would haunt me forever. I had seen them smolder with lust and anger, an
d shine with happiness, but never this. Never this deep, stabbing pain that seemed to radiate from within him.
“Let’s not draw this out, okay?” It’s not that I wanted to leave him, but I feared that if we stayed like this much longer it would only make it harder for both of us to say our goodbyes.
“Let me know that you got home safely,” he prodded. “And I want to know if there’s any news on Monday, one way or another.”
Monday. How could I have forgotten about the day my period was due? In all the stress of leaving, I hadn’t thought about it even once that morning.
“Of course I will.”
He kissed me, softly then paused to study me. He looked as if he was locking away every last detail of my face in his mind.
“Oh! I almost forgot!” I broke our embrace long enough to pull out my cell phone. “I’d like at least a picture or two of us, if you don’t mind.”
“Absolutely. Well, as long as you send them to me so I have copies.”
We posed together as I straightened out my arm to snap the picture. I glanced at it quickly to confirm that it was a decent shot and stepped away from him.
“Now a few of just you,” I suggested before snapping off a few more in rapid succession. A quick scan before I put my cell phone away showed that I had at least a few decent ones of him in there. But they were 2D pictures, and didn’t come close to the real, in-the-flesh Will. But they would have to do.
“So, this is it.” The moment we had both been dreading had finally arrived.
“So.” He opened his arms for me and I pressed my face against his chest, inhaling his masculine scent one last time while I wrapped my arms around him.
“I’ll miss you more than you could ever know,” he whispered into my hair.
“I will know,” I joked as the tears came, “because I’ll be missing you just as much. You sure you don’t want to be a city boy?” I joked to try to ease the tension of the moment.
“I’m sure. You sure you don’t want to be a country girl?”
“I’m sure.”
He kissed me then, sweetly and softly. It was over far too soon.
“I love you. Never forget that, because it will never change. There’s always a place for you here with me, Calista.”
“I love you too.” I gave him one last quick squeeze and then stepped back to admire him for the last time. “I have to get going now.”
“Drive safely, okay?” He could barely get the words out, and I saw tears glittering in his eyes, too.
There was no use in prolonging it any further. We were both in agony over my departure, and it was senseless to torture ourselves with a drawn out goodbye. I climbed into my car and blew him a kiss as he waved to me from the edge of the grass.
A choking sob escaped me as I drove down the driveway, but I didn’t look back. I couldn’t stand to watch the man I loved getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror.
-19-
I managed to keep it together for hours, until I crossed the big green bridge leading into New Hampshire, and then I fell apart completely. It was so bad that I had to stop at the next rest station to pull myself together again. By leaving the state of Maine it became all too real for me. Will was gone now, just a memory in my heart and in my head.
My heart hurt, and I was expecting as much, but what I wasn’t expecting was how physically ill I felt. My stomach rolled, my head pounded and my chest tightened as I broke out in a cold sweat. I’d never had one, but I imagined that anxiety attacks must feel like this. Was I actually having an anxiety attack? I had no idea, but I had to do something. To help alleviate my misery, I threw open my car door and desperately sucked in lungfuls of crisp autumn air. I concentrated on slowing my breathing and calming down, and it worked, eventually. By the time I felt well enough to drive again, the tears that had streaked my cheeks had long dried.
On the rest of the ride to Hartford, I did my best to look forward, not backward. There were all kinds of ideas bouncing around in the back of my brain about my possible upcoming company, and I did my best to push those thoughts to the forefront and thoughts of Will to the background. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t. When thinking about work and finding a job didn’t cut it anymore, I tried to concentrate on thinking about all my friends that I hadn’t talked to in the past week. It would be good to catch up with them again. When that failed and thoughts of Will kept creeping up again, I turned the radio up and sang along loudly with every song that I recognized.
It only made it worse. Top 40 hits were all about love, sex, and relationships and I found something I could relate to Will all too easily in every single song. The tears came again, but this time I remained in control as they slid down my cheeks and wet the collar of my shirt. For one split second I wished that I had never hit that deer and ended up at The Brixby Inn, because then Will and I would have never met, and I wouldn’t be in all this pain right now. I quickly dismissed that thought, because as miserable as I was, it was worth it. Our brief time together was worth every tear that now fell.
Just as promised, I sent Will a quick text to let him know that I had made it home in one piece, but he didn’t reply. With a sigh, I looked around my apartment. I usually enjoyed coming home after a weekend away, but instead of feeling familiar and comfortable, it now felt cold and empty. I had poured my heart and soul into decorating the place and making truly something of my own, but now the warm beige walls and expensive dark leather Pottery Barn sectional just mocked me. I suddenly hated the boldly colored area rug, even though I had spent months looking for just the right one. Yes, this place was mine, all mine, but I longed for my shabby but cozy room back at the Inn.
It would get better; it just had to. All I needed was some time away from him, and day by day these feelings of emptiness would fade. At least I hoped they would.
Even though some of my friends called that weekend to invite me to go out, or to join them for brunch, I ignored them and wouldn’t pick up my phone. I would have been terrible company. On top of missing Will, I was preoccupied with the idea that I might be pregnant.
One time. Just one time without a condom, and my whole life might be changed forever. It was too early to tell yet, but that didn’t stop me from picking apart every single scenario of how this could go.
I might not be pregnant, as I thought I shouldn’t be. But thinking so didn’t make it so, and until my period showed up, I couldn’t count on it.
I might be pregnant, in which case Will and I would have a lot of things to figure out. If I refused to move to Maine, and he refused to move to Hartford, what would that mean for our child? Never for a moment did I doubt that Will would want to be heavily involved in our child’s life, so that would be a whole big mess to work out. I didn’t see how we could possibly share custody with us living so far apart. Even if he had visitation, that would mean a lot of travel on both of our ends. But if I was pregnant, would I even tell him, or would I terminate the pregnancy without consulting him?
That seemed like the easiest solution, but I could never do that. Even if I decided that I wanted to end my pregnancy, I couldn’t do it without talking to Will. Not that I could probably do it at all. He deserved to know if he had created a life inside of me. It was simply the right thing to do, and I cared for him too much to deny him the respect that he deserved.
When I woke up Monday morning, I rushed to the bathroom to check if my period had come yet. Nope, nothing. Not that it was unusual for it to start later in the day, or even overnight, but I was kind of hoping for a clear sign here. Nothing to do but wait some more. I debated running to the drugstore to pick up a pregnancy test, but then decided against it. If I just waited, then I didn’t have to face being pregnant quite yet, because my period could still show up. But if I took a pregnancy test an hour from now and it turned out to be positive, well, then all hopes of this turning out okay would be dashed.
By 2:00 I was getting ready to pull my hair out over it, and when my cell phone signaled th
at I had a text, I almost didn’t read it. Luckily I did.
Any news yet?
Will. I hadn’t heard from him all weekend, and just reading those three little words from him rekindled my tears. The world felt like all the color had gone out of it without him by my side.
No, I’ll let you know when I know.
No reply came, and my sorrow quickly turned to pouting. I know we agreed that we would touch base from time to time, but I was disappointed that we had been reduced to only short texts so soon.
Apparently I felt a little rebellious about my possible impending motherhood, because I was sorely tempted to have a glass of wine, even though it was only mid-afternoon. In the end I decided to skip it. Just in case.
Unable to stand it any longer, I decided to go for a walk. After all, just sitting around my apartment wasn’t going to make my period come any faster.
As I walked down Hartford’s familiar streets, I looked at the city through fresh eyes. I loved it, there was no doubt about that, but suddenly everything was noisier and grimier than I remembered. I longed to see the tops of the trees in the afternoon sky and feel a fresh breeze brush over me, but all I got was building after building and the exhaust from the city’s vehicles on the wind.
I popped into my favorite little coffee shop to grab one of my beloved lattes to enjoy while I walked. The place was modern and trendy, and a far cry from Ginger’s café. Even though I routinely stopped there four or five days a week, none of the staff even greeted me outside of a little nod, and none of the patrons were familiar to me. We were all just strangers existing in the same space, and I longed for the familiarity of that little café in Maine where everyone knew each other. Even though the only ones who were friendly to me were Ginger and Blue that was still more than I had here.
On my way home I came to a decision. If I was pregnant after all, I would give serious consideration to moving in with Will, assuming he wanted the baby in his life. And me. I had no idea what I’d do for work or how we would pull it all together, but perhaps we could become a family after all. I owed it to our child to give him or her a complete family, not just two single parents living in different states. But try as I might to commit to idea of moving to Maine if I was pregnant, I couldn’t quite convince myself to do it. Something was still holding me back. I wasn’t ready to trade my life in the city for life in rural Maine. Hartford was all I’d ever known.