by Steven Drake
What she felt now seemed so much more powerful, so much more overwhelming. She could never entirely understand these feelings, or shake the feeling that she should not have them. Darien had become two different people in her mind, the terrifying monster of her childhood who had taken everything from her, and the enigmatic man who had spared her life and even offered to lay down his own. Could they really be the same man? Could she really forget his crimes? Could he?
She could never tell what he was thinking, how he felt. He hid his true feelings, projected illusions to deceive anyone who might get too close, and maintained a façade of disinterest to hide his deep hurt, but in a few moments, like that one a few days ago, something else came through, something better, something nobler, something purer, and something she wanted more than she’d ever wanted anything in her life.
Nevertheless, she was apprehensive. Her last attempt at expressing her feelings had ended rather disappointingly, and this time something bothered the Shade. He had seemed normal, even better, on the day of the duel, but the next morning everything was changed, and he had the look of a man who had lost a terrible battle. She knew he must have had one of his nightmares. I want to be there for him, she thought. I want to support him like he supported me, but will he let me? Will he ever let me in?
Finally, she summoned the entirety of her courage, walked down the hallway to his room, and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a stressed-looking Darien rubbing the back of his neck.
“Ah, Rana, what is it? I’m busy,” Darien grumbled.
“Darien… um… are you alright? Can I come in?”
The Shade stood aside and waved the woman in. He appeared distracted, but not disturbed.
“What is it, Rana?” the Shade repeated.
“I just never really got the chance to thank you for the other day, with Geoffray.”
“Oh, that,” Darien sighed. “Why thank me for that? I didn’t do anything. I tried to tell you that you were a better fighter, and you are. You have superior talent, and you train diligently. It was your accomplishment. I had nothing to do with it.”
“That’s not true,” Rana protested vigorously. Darien turned and regarded her with a subtle but unmistakable confusion. “I just meant, thank you for believing in me. It meant a lot that you’d stand up for me like that.”
“Well, you’re welcome I suppose. Now was that all?” Darien impatiently questioned.
“Are you alright?” Rana inquired.
“Do I look injured to you? I’m quite fine thank you,” the Shade declared, his voice elevated just slightly enough to show irritation.
“That’s not what I meant,” Rana said as she shifted uneasily and wrung her hands. “You seemed fine that night, but you’ve brooded off by yourself for most of the past several days.”
“I enjoy solitude, and I’ve had precious little of it since this journey began. You’ve known me quite a while now. I would think you would be accustomed to that.”
“You haven’t been sleeping,” she added.
“That’s also normal for me. You don’t need to be concerned about it,” he replied in a dull monotone.
Rana’s face contorted in frustration. How can he be so dense? “Why shouldn’t I be concerned? You helped me get stronger. You talked to me when no one else would. You fought for me when the people who should care about me wouldn’t lift a finger.”
“I only did what I thought I should. Nothing more.”
“I know, but it really means a lot to me.” Rana paused struggling for the words. She had to be careful. “I… worry about you. I know what it means when you don’t sleep. You had one of your nightmares, didn’t you? What was it about?”
Darien didn’t react, or betray any emotion. He just rigidly stood there, too rigidly. His reaction was too subdued, too controlled to be natural, and it meant that she’d hit the mark. When he finally spoke, he simply remarked, “You know I have nightmares, sometimes very unpleasant ones. I don’t see why it needs to be discussed.”
“Did you tell Jerris?”
“No, I didn’t, but what does any of this have to do with Jerris?”
“It’s just, you’re always talking to him. You’re so open with him, like you are with no one else.”
“Jerris is my friend, the first one I’ve had in a long time, but I don’t even tell him everything.”
Rana paused, looking at Darien, trying to read what was behind those calm, peaceful[DJ2], yet despairing eyes. It obviously made him uncomfortable, as he turned away to stare out a window. “After everything that’s happened, don’t you trust me? Aren’t I also your friend?” Her voice was quavering and unsteady.
“Friend?” the Shade questioned, turning back towards her, and cocking his head slightly to the side. Now his eyes were subtly narrowed, squinting ever so slightly. He was now alert. She had pushed too hard. “I would never think you, of all people, would ever consider me that. After everything that’s happened to you. I ruined your entire life. Why would you ever consider me a friend?”
“Because, well, now that I know you, I know you’re not really like that.” Rana was having difficulty keeping the tremulousness out of her voice.
The suspicion only grew in Darien’s eyes, while his face betrayed nothing else. “What does that even mean? I certainly am ‘really like that’. I did those things. I do not deny it. I’m still the same man I was then. I’m still just as dangerous, just as violent, just as ruthless as ever.”
“You’re not. You never were,” Rana passionately denied, raising her voice. Her emotions were getting out of control. She should not have come in here, but now she found she could not stop herself talking. “They made you into that, but it’s not really who you were meant to be, and the real person is still there, underneath. You may not see it, but I do. What happened to you, it wasn’t fair. You were taken when you were so young. You never had a chance. You were just like me.” Oh no, she thought, as her careless words suddenly hit her like a heavy stone. She clapped her hands over her mouth, and turned white, knowing that she’d said too much. She wasn’t supposed to know about any of that. She prayed to all the gods that he wouldn’t notice it, but she knew he would. He was too sharp to miss it.
The Shade suddenly stared cryptically at her, then his mouth curled slightly downward while his eyes narrowed further, a hard look of suspicion. “How did you know how young I was when I joined the Order of the Shade?”
Rana was trapped. She wanted to run out of the room, she turned towards the door and took a step, but he was there, looming large in front of him, his eyes dark and his face menacing. There was nothing to do but confess. She shook uncontrollably, not because she feared violence. She knew he would never raise a hand against her unless he felt he had no choice, but she also knew this would ruin any chance she had of gaining his trust. I have to tell the truth, no matter what it costs, she thought, steeling herself. “I…I know why you joined the Demon King, and why you turned against him. I know about… about your mother.” The expression on his face grew even more terrifying. He frowned down at her, and she felt all the warmth leave the room, replaced with an icy chill. She turned her eyes down and examined the dusty floorboards.
“Who told you?”
“It was Jerris. I made him tell me. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have pried. I just couldn’t understand you, why you were so different than I expected, why you didn’t just kill me. Don’t be angry with him.”
“I’m not angry with Jerris. The boy is too kind for his own good.” The Shade turned again toward the window, restraining the tension in his voice, but that barely contained fury, that raw hurt, hung in the air like a chill morning fog. “You took advantage of Jerris’ good nature to find out something I never would have told you myself.”
He never would have told me, she suddenly thought. He wouldn’t have let me in. He doesn’t really care for me. He’ll never let me get any closer. “Darien, I’m sorry. I won’t tell anyone, I swear.”
The Sh
ade moved aside, but kept his eyes on her, blank, frozen, and vacant. The real man was behind them somewhere, but she would never be able to reach him. “No, you will not. I should not have to explain the consequences of revealing my secrets. Now return to your room.” All the emotion had vanished from his voice. There was no more anger, nor suspicion, just empty monotone syllables that pierced her heart, cold icy daggers that carried the poison of the truth. She had not only failed to reach him, she had destroyed any chance to get past his suspicions again. It was over. Whatever chance she’d ever had to get close to him was crumbling under the freezing pressure of those eyes. He would never return her affections. She fought back tears, clenched her fists, and ground her teeth together. Finally, after a long pause, she turned and stormed from the room, and slammed the door behind her.
She ran back down the hall to her room, threw herself on the bed, and let her tears flow.
Chapter 28: Nia’s Observation
The common room of the Hardmoney Hostel was only marginally less dreary than the rest of the town. The utensils, the plates, the tables, the floors, and everything else, seemed dusty, old, and worn. The late afternoon sunlight streaming in through the windows further illuminated the dinginess of the setting. Jerris had spent the day putting the horses to sleep and then waking them up again. He would rather have been practicing more combat-focused skills, but Darien didn’t want the townsfolk getting suspicious.
Jerris sat down and ordered some bread and stew. It wasn’t great, but it was at least better than travel rations. Jerris ate his meal quietly, alone. The party mostly kept to themselves, or with the one or two others they trusted. That was nothing new, or unexpected. Most of them weren’t friends and didn’t want to be, but Jerris thought it would be better if some of them at least tried. Darien he could somewhat forgive. After all, the Shade was barely friendly to him. All the mistrust troubled the young half-elf, and he had begun to consider what it might mean when they were confronted with real danger, when he was, thankfully, distracted. A concerned looking Nia appeared out of the hallway, and walked stridently towards his table. She quickly took a seat, her feet barely reached the floor.
“Hi, Nia,” Jerris greeted her warmly.
“Hi, Jerris,” she replied almost as warmly, her concern temporarily breaking into a smile. A moment later, however, the concern returned. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Ummm… What’s going on between Rana and Darien?” Nia asked rather bluntly. A dumbfounded Jerris gaped at her, wondering if he’d heard the question correctly. “Well?”
“I don’t know. Nothing I guess. I mean, you know she did try to kill him when we first met her. I don’t think he entirely trusts her.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure,” Jerris replied nervously, then, after taking a long moment to deliberate whether he really wanted to know the answer to the question, continued, “Why do you ask?”
“Because a few minutes ago, I saw Rana come out of his room, and now she’s laying on her bed crying. I tried asking your elf bodyguard what’s going on, but um… I don’t think she likes me very much. She tried to act like she was asleep, but I think she was just ignoring me.”
“What? Rana is crying over something Darien said?” Jerris asked. “That doesn’t make sense.[DJ3] I don’t think Darien wanted Rana to come with us, but the Grandmaster sort of overruled him. She has… a bit of a temper, and Darien just… well… he can be really infuriating sometimes. I mean if you said they got in a fight, I could believe that, but crying, that’s really not like her at all. She barely cried at all when we took her prisoner. I would think she’d fight him if he said anything that awful, not cry about it.”
Nia rolled her eyes in obvious frustration, confusing the young half-elf even more thoroughly. “Did you really not notice?”
“Notice what?”
“She’s, well, she’s obviously stuck on him.”
“Stuck on him, like she’s in love with him?” Jerris gasped, earnestly hoping that was not what Nia meant. “He never said anything about that. I really don’t think he has any idea she feels that way.”
“I don’t think it’s ‘love’ love yet, but yeah, I can tell she’s a bit smitten,” Nia explained. “I can’t believe you didn’t notice. I can’t believe he didn’t notice. You men are so dense.”
“Well, I guess I wasn’t paying attention really. I don’t talk to Rana that much,” Jerris admitted. “That might explain why she’s crying.”
“What’s wrong? I thought he really cared about her. It sure seemed like it. He really stood up for her the other day, and the way he fought Geoffray for her freedom. I know if someone did that for me, well, I think I might get stuck on him too.” She paused a moment, turning slightly red. “I was really impressed with him when we first met, actually, but… he’s too… um… scary, up close.”
“Nia, this could be bad,” Jerris explained, putting aside the considerable relief he experienced when he heard that Nia was no longer impressed by his mentor. “He’s not going to love her back. Not ever.”
“So, he doesn’t like her?”
“No, worse. It’s hard to explain if you don’t know him, but he doesn’t really even want to love someone, not anyone, not ever,” Jerris tried to explain. “I’ve asked him about it before, and he always tells me love is a distraction, and it makes men do foolish things, and that I should avoid falling in love if I know what’s good for me.”
“That’s… that’s kind of sad. I sort of feel sorry for him,”
“I know, but he can’t help it. It’s just how he is. It’s what they taught him in the Order of the Shade.” Jerris said. “He’s pretty impervious to stuff like that. I don’t think it will really affect him. I’m more worried about Rana.”
“Yeah, she seemed really broken up,” Nia replied. “Is there anything we can do?”
“I don’t think so,” Jerris remarked doubtfully. “If she really falls in love with Darien, she’s going to get her heart broken. I know him. He’s always been a little tense around her. He killed her family when he was a Shade, remember, and I think he still feels guilty about that, but that’s all it is. He’ll never fall in love with her. I’m not sure he can.”
“Well, I guess I can try to see if Rana will open up to me. Your bodyguard doesn’t seem to be the uh… understanding type.” Nia said. “Um… How’d you end up discussing… matters of love with him of all people?”
“Well, um…", Jerris stuttered, remembering the impetus for that conversation had been his infatuation with Niarie. “He’s like family. He’s not old enough to be my father, at least I don’t think he is, so he’s like an older brother. I was looking for advice, I suppose.”
“Advice.” Nia giggled, suddenly lighthearted. “About what? Are you in love with someone?”
Jerris tried his best not to tremble or turn red, but he knew he was not succeeding. “Well, um… not exactly. Can we, uh, talk about something else?” To his considerable relief, Nia giggled again in that charming way that produced a flutter in his chest, and turned the subject to her areas of magical expertise. The young woman’s extensive knowledge of magical theory was almost as extensive as his teacher’s, but she obviously lacked the Shade’s practical experience. Either way, the change of topic was welcome.
Jerris ate his meal, and shared a few rounds of ale with Nia. They talked of magic, of elves and men, of their friends and families, and more. For Jerris, it became a thoroughly enjoyable evening, though somewhat tainted by the knowledge of Rana’s distress.
What the Hardmoney Hostel lacked in polish and shine, it made up for in atmosphere. A jovial bard wearing some garish green outfit with purple trim told tales and played various instruments, a lute, a recorder, and some strange wooden horn that sounded more like a sickened goose than a musical instrument. The bar patrons sang songs, not unlike the ones he used to hear back in Kantu. Jerris felt a certain comfortable familiarity with the setting.<
br />
By the time the Jerris and Nia finally tired of one another’s company, they had each drunk several more mugs of ale, and the night was well underway. It was probably near midnight when the alcohol began to have its effect, and Jerris turned in.
As he walked into the room he shared with Darien, he noticed the Shade apparently asleep in a rocking chair. He crossed the room and changed into his night clothes, hoping not to wake the sleeper.
Just as he got into bed, however, he heard a voice. “Jerris.” He swallowed hard. The accusation in his teacher’s voice caused him to cringe.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“As you should know by now, that hardly matters.”
“Um, I was just going to bed. Did you need something?”
“You told Rana about my mother,” Darien said in that quiet, calm, yet completely terrifying way.
“She… Well, I just said that you two were alike, and she didn’t understand why I said it, and I realized I said too much, and she caught on and cornered me…”
“That’s enough, Jerris,” Darien said calmly. The edge had fallen from his voice. “It’s alright, but you should have told me sooner. She manipulated you to get information about me, but the less she knows about me, the better. She might try to use that information against me, even to try and kill me again.”
“You still think that she’s after you?” Jerris gasped incredulously.
“I thought she’d given that up, myself, but why else would she insist on joining this expedition?” Darien replied coldly, “And that isn’t all. Twice now, she has come to speak to me to ‘thank’ me for some meaningless trifle, when there was really no need. Both times, she specifically chose a time when I was alone. I doubt that she could kill me in open combat, but if she got close, and caught me in a moment of indecision… who knows. She’s shown herself to be resourceful and clever. She may have some new trick.”
“Darien, I really don’t think that’s what’s going on.” Jerris tried hard to sound as convincing as possible without giving away that he knew for a fact his teacher had entirely the wrong idea.