by Steven Drake
“Aye, couldn’t rule it out,” Tobin confirmed, and Darien nodded, grateful for the assistance.
“Could it have been something her Grandfather did?” Jerris asked expectantly.
“I suppose,” Darien said. “He didn’t seem especially powerful when I met him in Trinium, but I never saw him up close, or concentrated on him. I would never have guessed he possessed enough strength for a shadow void.”
“Eldrik has always been something of an enigma,” Geoffray volunteered. “He appears to be mild mannered and almost timid, but there is another side to him. I have heard rumors that he was a master duelist, and killed a high-ranking Shade in his youth.”
“At the least, he must have known you had this enchantment on you,” Darien added.
“We should take Nia back to Trinium,” Jerris volunteered. “We should ask him.”
“That’s not actually a bad idea, but we can’t all go back,” Darien declared. As he thought about it a moment, he suddenly had an idea how to get rid of both of his problems at once. “Rana, do you think you can find your way back to Coldwater?”
“Why me?” Rana was still sulking away from the rest of the group and sounded surprised to be addressed. “Why do you want to send me back?”
“Obviously because you have the least reason to be here in the first place. The others all have superiors to report to.”
“I’m the Grandmaster’s personal representative,” Rana fired back.
“And just why exactly is that?” Darien questioned pointedly. “Why did he suddenly decide to appoint a representative? He mentioned nothing about that until after you were freed, and you admitted talking to him that evening. It was your idea, wasn’t it?”
Rana suddenly got quiet. I’ve caught her now, he thought. Every member of the party was looking at her suspiciously now. “Fine, it was my idea. I wanted to come. I wanted to see this Star Sword. I wanted to help end the beast that ordered the deaths of my family and the destruction of my kingdom.”
“But it was me that carried out that order,” Darien pushed harder now. The chance of getting rid of the woman was worth pushing her. “You haven’t forgotten that, have you? I’m the one who purged your kingdom, killed your family before your eyes.”
“Darien, don’t do this,” Jerris urged, almost begging. “I know you feel guilty about what happened, and I know it bothers you that she’s here, but this isn’t helping.”
“Her explanation is good enough for me,” Geoffray spoke up. “A better question is why you seem so determined that she not be included.”
“All right,” Darien calmed himself. He had only just managed to gain some goodwill with the Shield Knight. It was not worth squandering on this. “You know her best, so I’ll trust your judgment on the matter.” Geoffray nodded but also seemed a bit flummoxed over Darien’s sudden deference. ”So who volunteers to take Niarie back to Trinium?”
“I’ll take her,” Jerris volunteered. “I mean, it was my idea.” Darien winced internally. He should have expected that reaction, but it didn’t make it easier. This meant that the one person he really trusted was now leaving. He had come to depend on Jerris’ support as much as Jerris depended on his. Still, the younger half-elf would be out of danger, and that was a comforting thought.
“I’m not going back,” Niarie suddenly declared. “Could this enchantment be reversed in Trinium? I know about blood enchantments. They’re permanent. They can’t be removed without killing the subject. What’s the point?” The girl was on the verge of tears.
“Nia, I don’t mind going back,” Jerris said, and offered her his hand, but she pushed it away.
“I’m on a mission too. Grandfather chose me for this. I have to do it.”
“Nia,” Jerris reached out again. “is that really what you want?”
“It is. Thank you Jerris.” This time she took his hand and squeezed it gently.
“Alright. Let’s all get some sleep,” Traiz broke in. “Regardless of what we decide to do, we’re not going to do it this late. We’ll all think more clearly in the morning.”
“You’re right Traiz,” Darien conceded. “The watches will be the same as last night.”
“Um… Darien,” Jerris started speaking, and Darien could guess what he wanted. “Nia could use a friend tonight.”
“Alright Jerris, you can take the watch with Niarie,” Darien conceded the point. Keeping them apart was not working, and he needed Jerris focused, not worried about the girl. Ceres started to protest, but Darien raised his hand to silence her. She made a sour face, but backed down. “I’m not sleeping tonight anyway, Ceres. I’ll watch them,” Darien resolved the issue. He had no desire to relive the Battle of Dragonspire a second time.
The party got ready for sleep, while Darien stalked out of the cave into the darkness for some measure of peace.
He kept the dim glow of the fading torch in his vision, and watched the dark silhouettes of the party as they laid down and went to sleep. Nia and Jerris were on watch first. Darien watched and listened to them as Jerris held the girl’s hand and told her not to worry, that everything would be alright. She seemed to be taking it rather better than her first reaction had indicated. Perhaps she really did find comfort with Jerris. After all, the younger half-elf’s determined positivity was almost infectious. It had already affected him, more than he’d believed possible. In the darkness, he relaxed and smiled, allowing himself to admire the character of his student.
He was enjoying listening to the pleasant conversation, when suddenly, in response to some innocuous comment about Darien’s history with Rana, Jerris raised a small wind around them, disrupting his listening. He observed them whispering for several minutes, and debated intervening, but decided against it. Jerris had earned his trust, and they had most likely turned the conversation to one of a personal nature. As long as they didn’t go too far, he was willing to let things slide.
He turned away, and gazed out into the darkness. Even at night, the winds here were noticeable. The night wind raised tiny clouds of dust from the dry ground, and sent them cascading a few yards, then depositing them again as it dissipated and changed, raising another cloud somewhere else. The scurrying of night animals could be heard, and a few desert crickets sang to the darkness. He no longer paid Jerris and Nia any attention, but was suddenly surprised when Jerris appeared at his side.
“What is it Jerris?” Darien asked. “I assume this is about the girl. I don’t know what the enchantment does, but it’s not immediately dangerous. It’s not like your mother’s. I can’t rule out the possibility that it is concealing an observation enchantment.”
“Um… well, that’s good, but that’s not really what I wanted to say,” Jerris stammered.
“What have you two been whispering about anyway? That wind you’re conjuring to keep me from hearing your conversation makes me awfully suspicious. It’s rather amusing to watch the two young lovers keeping their secret triste,” Darien grinned at his student.
Jerris blushed, and looked away. “Oh no. No, no, no,” Jerris stammered. “Nothing like that. I haven’t even kissed her yet. I don’t know if I want that or not. I’m sort of scared, actually, because she’s trusting me more and more, and I’m getting to like her even more than I did before. She’s really smart, like you, but in a different way, and she’s really determined, and courageous, and kind, and…”
“I was just joking, Jerris,” Darien chuckled. “It’s your affair one way or the other. Now what was it you wanted to tell me?” Darien asked again, his voice softer, and comforting, a tone he never used with anyone but his student. “Your secrets will be safer with me than they will with you, you know that.”
Jerris sputtered and cleared his throat nervously. If this was not about Niarie, why is he having so much trouble saying it?
“Nia thinks Rana’s falling in love with you.” The words just blurted out, an unexpected babbling declaration. The shock was immediate, stopping the Executioner’s mind cold. No, it couldn�
�t be. How? Why? The shock dragged on, until minutes of silence had passed. “Um… Are you going to say something?” Jerris finally asked.
“I…” the Executioner struggled for words. “I can’t believe it.”
“Well, yes, I gathered that,” Jerris remarked somewhat snidely.
“Well, she must be wrong,” Darien finally declared with some conviction. “She doesn’t understand the situation fully, nor do you, for that matter. I have reason to believe that Rana told the Grandmaster about my mother, in exchange for some weapon to use against me.”
“That’s…” Jerris scrunched up his face in concentration, “that’s pretty ridiculous, actually. I mean, why would the Grandmaster want to know that, and who cares? What could he possibly do with that information besides upset you? What could he give Rana that she could use to kill you, and why wouldn’t she have used it already? Why wouldn’t she just get something from Geoffray anyway? I mean we know he wanted to kill you. For that matter, why wouldn’t she have just lied and told Geoffray you were manipulating her all along? Then the tribunal would have had you executed, or at least tried. Honestly I don’t understand why you’re so secretive about this. It might help everyone understand you better if they knew.”
Darien opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again. He repeated the motion a second time, as nothing came to his mind. Everything Jerris said made perfect sense, now that he had said it out loud. “But why would she…? What could have possessed her to…? When did this happen?”
“Oh come on,” Jerris groaned. “You can’t really be that dense. You saw what was happening with me and Nia right away, but when it involves you, you don’t want to see it, so you don’t. That’s what Nia and I have been discussing the past few days. Whatever argument you had back in Coldwater really hurt Rana. Nia saw her come out of your room, then she spent hours crying on her bed.”
“Jerris, I didn’t know… I had no intention… I can’t…”
“Can’t what? Can’t love her back?” Jerris tone grew calm, and it was his turn to be comforting. “I know. I knew you’d take it like this, but the way you’re treating Rana now, putting her with that Inquisitor all the time. I don’t know whether you did it on purpose, but she really doesn’t like him. Then earlier tonight when you tried to send her away, and basically accused her in front of everyone. It’s just too cruel. We felt like we had to tell you.”
“Yes, I understand. You acted appropriately, and yes, I did tell Traiz to watch her. As I’ve told you before, he’s been instrumental in getting us this far,” Darien admitted. “Have you told Rana that… well.”
“We’ve been trying to find a way to break it to her easy, and Nia wants to talk to her, woman to woman you know. I hate it, but it might be best if you put Rana on watch with Nia for a few days. I’ll talk to Nia during the day.”
“You know, I really did think she was trying to kill me again,” Darien said with a shake of his head.
“I know. I’ve tried to tell you before, she gave that up almost as soon as she met you, but you would never would listen to me. You can’t let go of the guilt.”
The stoic Darien struggled for words. His voice quavered uncharacteristically as the polished exterior broke. “This… this is terrible. I didn’t want this. I’ve already destroyed her life once, and now, I’m going to do it again, without intending. Everything I touch is cursed. Of all the things that could have happened, this is perhaps the worst.”
“Worse than when you thought she was trying to kill you again?” Jerris remarked almost humorously. “You know, Darien, you’re probably the only person in the world who could be more upset by the idea of a woman being in love with you than by the idea that she’s trying to kill you.”
“I suppose that’s true,” Darien felt forced to concede the point. “But it terrifies me Jerris, more than anything else in the world. I don’t understand it. Power I understand, magic I understand, even the madness of the Demon’s Blade I can almost fathom. But love is a mystery, and I want nothing to do with it.”
“What happened to you, to make you like this?” Jerris asked, the compassion apparent in his voice. “It was my fault, too, wasn’t it? You were fine that night, and then I kept talking about how I felt about Nia, and then the next morning you were outside just staring at nothing, looking like you’d had your soul sucked out of you. It was one of your nightmares. What did you remember this time?”
Darien was already on the point of breaking. Jerris knew almost everything about him, there really wasn’t much point in concealing this. “I don’t remember all of it, at least I don’t think I do, and I don’t want to. I had a lover when I was younger, younger than you, one of my fellow apprentices, about the same age as I, but it was a trap set for me by the Master. She was deceiving me, almost from the beginning, I think.”
“Someone pretended to fall in love with you?” Jerris gasped. “That’s horrible.”
“There’s no point in discussing it, really. What’s done is done,” Darien said grimly. “The only thing that matters is that I’ll never be able to love again, at least not that kind of love. You must understand that.”
“I don’t think I believe that, and I don’t think I want to,” Jerris sighed. “I guess I’m no expert, but I think love is one of those things you can’t really control. No matter how much you want it, you can’t force it, and no matter how much you don’t want it, it will sometimes happen anyway. I don’t think it’s something we get to choose.”
“That’s a fascinating idea, Jerris, but not in the least bit helpful.”
“Alright, alright. I get it,” Jerris conceded. “You’re not interested in her like that at all. Nia and I will try to think of something but depending on how far gone she is, it may not be easy.”
Jerris made his way back over to Nia, and resumed their conversation. Darien no longer wanted to listen. He wanted the world to disappear, or perhaps he only wanted to disappear from the world. Either way, he wanted solitude, so he climbed up the hill where they had found the cave, until he found a stone large enough to serve as a seat, and sat in the cool darkness, taking what comfort he could from the solitude, and busying his mind with keeping watch for danger.
Try though he might, he was unable to put the matter aside. His mind bounced between reliving his terrifying dreams, and reliving the past year with Rana, wondering where he went wrong, what signs he had missed. He had spent the past year trying to ease his guilt over Rana’s family, and instead he had made things worse. He revisited every decision he had made regarding Rana, every conversation he could remember, every strange facial expression that he could not identify at the time. It all came back to his own failure. Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I stop it sooner? I should have ignored the guilt. I should know better. What’s happened to me that I act on something as pointless as guilt?
“Your guilt is a sign that you are not entirely lost to the darkness, as it always has been. It is not a weakness, but a strength, as it gives you power to resist the corruption of the sword.” Ezra’s voice rang in his mind, challenging him.
I suppose you would know, Darien replied silently to the voice in his mind. Even so, I only made things worse by acting on it. She completely misinterpreted my actions. I should have left her alone.
“Do you really think that would have been better, for either of you? Would it be better if she still hated you?”
It would have been better for her at least. Now I’ve only burdened her with feelings that will never be returned.
“Hate is never better, for anyone. Even a painful, unrequited love is better than hatred. The former is beautiful in its tragedy, but the latter is always ugly, poisonous to the soul.”
That sounds like something my mother would say, the thought crossed Darien’s mind almost unbidden. He remembered his dream in Trinium, of his quarrel with the other children. His mother had said something very much like that.
“If it were your mother, would you believe it?” Ezra asked the q
uestion as if he had been reading Darien’s thoughts, but perhaps he had. Maybe the old man could see even the thoughts he did not project.
I don’t know. I don’t think I was born as kind-hearted as she was. She had a tremendous love in her, so great that I could feel it. I possess nothing of the sort.
“You possess enough conscience to feel guilt over this, and that is enough. Just because you won’t return her affections, doesn’t mean she won’t accept friendship instead. You need friends, and so does she. You really are very much the same, both very much alone. You’re being uncharacteristically irrational. It’s unlike you to be so affected by mindless fear.”
Darien knew that Ezra was right. He shut his eyes and slowed his breathing. It was, after all, nothing but fear. The dreams could not really hurt him, and Rana’s feelings changed nothing. The situation was still the same as it was, and he had one less person to worry about spying for the Demon King, or otherwise plotting against him.
“Much better.” Ezra said “You should at least be able to think when you’re calmer.”
Yes, well, I suppose you’re right. I’m overreacting. Still, I can’t help but feel that I should have done something differently. I didn’t mean to lead her on.
“Perhaps she led herself on.” Ezra said “The line between love and hate is thinner than men realize. Both are obsessions that drive us towards a single person, and it is not as difficult as you might imagine to transmute one to the other.”
Perhaps you’re right about that as well. Perhaps there was nothing I could do. I suppose it is pointless now. What’s done is done. I have to stay focused on obtaining the Star Sword. Whatever guilt I feel, it cannot compromise my purpose. Ezra gave no reply, but the silence was answer enough. The old man had helped him once again, and this time it had nothing to do with the Demon Sword. This was an entirely personal matter. Why did he choose to intervene, Darien thought, even as he wondered if the old man was still listening? He always seems to arrive just when I need him, when I’m troubled, or worried about something, or facing an important decision. Even so, I don’t seem to be able to summon him, or he would have come to me when I was imprisoned in Trinium. Perhaps I never will solve the mystery entirely.