by Andrea Höst
Sen happily calls us 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' (and Rye after a very shy conversation calls us 'Mother' and 'Father'). Both use the English words to distinguish us from their blood parents. Ys and Lira stick with Kaoren and Cassandra (or You).
I'm an official parent now. And baby will make five.
Instead of a honeymoon, we instituted Family Holiday. Just like Mum and the Aunts and Uncles used to take us all camping, each year for our Family Anniversary we're going to go on a holiday together. Mostly camping, but sometimes we might visit Tare or even Kolar. This time was camping, with Lohn, Nils, and Zee along as bodyguards, and Mara, Shar and Fein along for company. And Siame, who now is four and a bit-times an aunt, and has barely said a word since she saw I was pregnant.
We were given use of a nice big roomy flier, packed it with tents and food and went somewhere no one had been. Northern hemisphere, about the same latitude as Pandora, but on the western edge of the next village over's Ddura-range. A grassy, hilly place specked with wide, low-branched trees perfect for climbing, with lots of streams and countless hidden pools. We cruised in the flier until we spotted a nice place and then hovered while Nils, Zee and Lohn went and double-checked that there was no threat, then pitched tents on a cute little grassy island at the join of two streams.
There was a girls' tent (Sen, Ys, Lira and Siame), a boys' tent (Rye, Fein, Shar) and then smaller tents for each couple. Nils and Zee were technically on duty, but were more openly a couple on this trip than they usually behave around people. Mara is already getting to be very noticeably pregnant, so she got a cot in case the ground was too uncomfortable, but the grass was very thick and cushiony thanks to a clover-type plant, so we didn't have any real problems, and Lira even slept in the tent, despite insisting she'd sleep in the flier. Lira very much disdained the idea of camping and could find no discernable reason why anyone would want to sleep in a tent when they had a perfectly good bedroom – or at least a cushioned seat in the flier. Ys started out indifferent, so long as she was permitted to read with as little interruption as possible, but turned out to really enjoy exploring the area.
Fein and Rye are really great together. Fein overflows with energy and schemes. He's always overcoming Rye's shy and obedient habits and – while he can never get Rye to break any of the strict rules we've made – is teaching him to push a little at the edges, and to be more confident about boundaries. Rye in return has given Fein some respect for the 'unfun' stuff which Rye treats as a privilege. Particularly, I think, because Rye is always quick to find practical applications for the things he's learning.
They both got very involved in identifying all the species of plants and animals around the camp, and provisionally describing and naming everything they think is new. Rye's studies are really showing through in his use of language, and he's very exacting in his descriptions. They sometimes drafted Shar as an assistant, which Shar tolerated with faint amusement. Shar's making slow progress toward becoming 'family', and now reminds me more of Siame than anyone else – very in command of himself but still holding himself back. He's closest to Mara, whose down-to-earth honesty seems to appeal to him, and I can see why Mara said he would have been captain material, so I'm curious to see what he'll end up doing with himself. Mara tells me he hasn't quite escaped being expected to settle Nuran disputes, but is mostly focused on his studies, and has been suffering a bad spate of Place Sight-related dreams. Like most of the older Nuran kids, he's only a few years from legal adulthood, but incredibly behind in terms of a Taren curriculum, and he needs to find a role and a career in an entirely new world. I wonder sometimes if he'll end up becoming a leader of the Nuri in the end anyway – he has a kind of low-key authority and certainly a lot of charisma which would probably do him well in politics.
I was a little worried when Lira decided to try out her new-found powers of attraction on him, but fortunately Shar seems to think her overly young – and even at fourteen he's used to girls chasing him, so he was quite adept at being clearly not interested without being insulting. I wondered if Ys would find all this a potential threat to her friendship with Lira, but I had the distinct impression Lira was discussing it all with her before making each attempt – Ys certainly watched with a kind of amused curiosity.
The two of them also cornered me alone one day, and we had the most amazingly funny conversation, full of blushes in every direction. Lira wanted to know about my early love life and whether I'd ever been with anyone but Kaoren. It's not the sort of thing either of them would have considered asking me a year ago, and certainly not a conversation I'd ever want to have with my Mum. Ys was using Lira to get answers to questions she won't ask herself, but Lira was also frankly curious about something she's become interested in.
Lira interested in sex is an idea which horrifies me, of course, and I had to work to not to go into a meltdown of denial about them being too young to have this discussion, but I think they were both really just curious, and far from ready to put anything into practice.
I was fairly honest with my answers, though I did set some boundaries about the kind of questions it was appropriate to ask. I tried to capture something of Mara's practicalness when talking about the fact that people were sure to try to go to bed with them just because they were famous, and certain difficulties they're going to have doing normal social stuff because of their fame. Lira (an Ys question, I think) wanted to know if I regretted having sex with someone before Kaoren, but I don't really. It was what I wanted to do at the time, and even though it turned out that neither of us really felt strongly about the other, it wasn't a negative experience, and I felt a lot less pressured during my last year at school because sex became a bit less of a focus for me. It wasn't some massive mystery of ultimate importance any more.
Then I gave them both a very clear understanding of when and what they're legally allowed to do, what I'd prefer them to do, and things they should do if anyone does something they don't want. And also techniques for turning down people, especially ones who seem genuinely to care. I gave Lira a particular look at that one and said: "You know very well you're very beautiful. You're going to hurt people just by looking like that, no matter how you behave. But it helps if you try and minimise harm."
Since then, Ys occasionally teases Lira about wearing a warning sign, which is a private joke she has just with us three. It amazes me, and makes me very happy, that both of them have reached that level of comfort, with each other and with me.
It was a lovely break, surrounded by people who are special to me, seeing new places, plants and animals, catching and roasting fish on an open fire. Kaoren was feeling super-possessive and we spent a hell of a lot of time kissing. Everyone got a little sunburnt, and it was so very much one big family, with even Shar and Siame looking settled in and enjoying themselves. I'm already looking forward to next year, and I've only been back one day.
Trying not to hope too hard for it to be a full family holiday, and that Operation Move-to-Muina will be a resounding success.
Chapter 18
Another May
May 13
Time off
Now that I'm not working (no scheduled projections till after the baby's born), I've been able to get some solid work in on my school work. And, well, have been replaying my wedding (and pre-wedding honeymoon night) rather a lot. The posed scans turned out very well, and there are some special images from the ceremony itself which I adore. Tons of press leaks, of course, but I've come to factor that in to any event which has more than the people closest to me there.
One of the reasons I avoid public events so much is that everything any of us do is picked apart and analysed and adopted into popular culture. Veils are suddenly in for weddings (I'm so not going to tell anyone what Mum once told me they symbolise), and there's all sorts of fan art based on the leaked scenes, and endless forum discussion about every minor leaked or made up detail. Plus there was a documentary about me which premiered the evening of the wedding which was really accurate and de
tailed and had an awful lot about the kids and what they're like in it. Albeit, the kids have fan clubs and it's rare bad things are said about them, but I know that can change, and that I'm the cause of this pressure of attention.
I had to laugh, though, when the next episode of Muina Ez was all about the characters speculating over where we'd all gone after the wedding. The rumour was that we were holidaying on Kolar, and there were tons of false sightings. And then the real story of what we were doing leaked out, and there was lots of scandal about Lira and me being allowed to go anywhere even mildly risky. Fortunately that was on our last day, and we were home before they reached the point of ordering us to return. The rumour mill immediately switched over to whether I'm pregnant, and though we haven't confirmed that, taking a year of leave from doing any form of visualisation kind of gives away our plans. Endless discussion over whether I'll obligingly pop out more touchstones, or stronger or weaker talents than Kaoren. And discussion on how me having 'real children' will effect my adopted children, which of course annoys the hell out of me.
I've been bonding with Lira rather a lot since we got back. Occasionally beneath her prima donna acts I still glimpse a lingering band of hurt and uncertainty. Ys, Rye and Sen are so strongly a unit, and although Lira's become family, she knows herself to be an outsider to the couple that Kaoren and I am, and the deep bond between Ys, Rye and Sen. It must feel as if everyone loves someone more than they love her. I fully sympathise with her need to be loved for herself, not for being a touchstone, nor even for being the very brave girl who saved my life.
She's continued to question me about what I was like when I was her age, and has talked a little about the things she does and doesn't want to do, and the fun parts, the problems and the ethics of being a touchstone. Lira and I aren't very alike – she enjoys reading novels about as much as she enjoys anything else, but is far more interested in more social activities. Since the kids started attending the talent school again, she's accrued a little coterie of followers, and likes to talk about them with me (partially I think because Ys is impatient with too much of this kind of talk). Fortunately she and Ys seem to have found a happy balance to their friendship, and Ys acts in the role of confidant, while everyone else gets to be Lira's admirers.
Ys on the other hand would barely speak if she could help it. Even in the mandated school and family group activities, I've noticed that she has that faint air of abstraction, and her usage logs show that she's reading. This isn't something I'll criticise specifically, since I certainly read a book or two sneakily under the desk in particularly boring classes, and she seems quite good at dual-tasking. Importantly, she's not withdrawn or stressed by social situations – she's just so engrossed in reading that she doesn't want to waste time with people. I've told her the occasions where she has to give her full attention, but otherwise more power to her. She has, I think, finally gained a strong enough sense of security to truly relax, and simply being able to learn and learn and learn makes her deeply happy.
She's quickly improving her English. Not enough to read most novels by herself, but we can hold limited conversations now. Dinner is an English-only meal, which annoyed Lira very much until she decided it constituted a secret language which only a privileged few were capable of speaking. She's quite good at learning when she sets her mind to it, and she and Rye are settling onto a similar level, which is good because Lira's most inclined to refuse to do things she's the worst at. Kaoren really enjoys being able to speak English. He wants to be able to read more of the books I grew up reading, and to better understand my culture, and understanding the language will make a huge difference to that, though he had to shake his head when I started explaining how English was like the Borg, assimilating all these others languages, and that Earth was hundreds of languages washing up against each other. Since I have only the vaguest knowledge of anything but English, Earth's other languages aren't a primary focus for him.
I'm just glad that, if I ever get to introduce my family to Mum, that they'll be able to understand each other.
Kaoren and I have been very desperately in love with each other for the past couple of months, and finding it difficult to get enough time alone with each other, now that he's returned to duty. He says me being pregnant is making it difficult for him to not be excessively protective and possessive. I can't say I'm not enjoying that.
A little over six weeks along. I still don't feel pregnant, though the medics have confirmed it. No morning sickness, no sudden enlargement of breasts, nothing but not having a period, which I'd grown used to anyway. Mara, Ketz and Jeh are all looking thoroughly pregnant now (Mara looks very thoroughly pregnant). A little under three months to go for them.
Zee told me she and Nils are going back to Tare to get married in a tiny ceremony, because Nils wants his only living relative, his extremely fragile great-great-grandmother, to be able to be there. That's a bit of a secret.
Chapter 19
Another June
June 28
Baby overload
Bad morning sickness every time I wake up. Plus I successfully made Kaoren sick too, when he touched me just before I was about to vomit everywhere. He was very annoyed with himself. Fortunately we can still sleep together, but after our vomit morning he makes sure not to be too close when I wake up.
I'm just ever so slightly showing. No wriggly sensations as yet. Zee has joined in – she and Nils are having a daughter. Nils is impossibly happy, has been ever since Zee finally agreed to marry him. This, unfortunately, increases the Nils Effect – even Ys and Lira go pink when he visits, despite Nils being well above the age range they are starting to be confused about.
Mara has had her babies early. Kyo and Jerl are very identical, and Sera, who will have four brothers, is extra-small and tiny. I'd say she was doomed to be spoiled and overprotected, but given that she's Mara's daughter I expect her to be kicking their asses in no time. They all had to stay in hospital for a couple of days, due to being early, but they seem to be healthy despite being so tiny, and Lohn and Mara have been able to bring them home. I took just Sen to visit so as not to be overwhelming, and Sen was very good, staying extra-quiet and treating them like snowflakes – not even letting herself breathe too hard near them. Mara is pretty exhausted – her pregnancy really started to wear on her the last few weeks – and poor Lohn was totally exhausted as well – he worried himself to the bone, and still hasn't gotten any sleep, I think. Shar has taken over the household during their distraction. He's very low-key, but somehow the things they need all just happen to be right at hand. And he changes nappies.
He's still a very close-mouthed boy. I sometimes wonder what Shar thinks about being placed in with the sacrifices, since he is one of two of the absolute highest rank who survived. Very few of the Nuran children at the talent school will ever talk about the families they lost. Partly because they miss them, but also because there is a good deal of quiet speculation as to whether any of their immediate family were part of the conspiracy, since it's believed to have been almost entirely confined to the noble caste. The question of whether your parents decided to sacrifice not only your world, but also you, as part of a bid for immortality is hardly a thing you want to poke at too deeply.
I don't think he's unhappy – he seems to enjoy various sporty things, and training his talents, and reading – but Mara worries about the distance he keeps between himself and most everyone else, and the fact that he doesn't have any close friends. Though she did say he seems to like bringing Fein over to Arcadia, and she thinks that's because he likes talking to Kaoren. If Shar was ten years older, he's the type of person I guess Kaoren would socialise with, and Kaoren has also been helping him with Sights training. Maybe, when the age gap isn't so big a part of the whole, they'll end up friends.
Muina is preparing for elections in a few months – it's taken ages for a method of government to be agreed upon, and it's basically a watered-down version of the Taren system, with a combination of merit and ele
ction for whole heaps of very important positions, including each city's governor, but also a straight-out popularity contest for world governor – which is a more practical role than you'd expect given that anyone can nominate – and is not even required to pass a basic civics exam. It's going to be very interesting (and a bit worrying) to see what the policy decisions will be once KOTIS is no longer in primary control. Now that they've finally agreed on that, the news has been full of discussion about who is going to nominate for what, and of course Kolar v Tare issues, not to mention what little Nuran representation there'll be.
They've slowed down settlement the last few months, wanting to get the four main cities better established, and the first few of the 'big farms' producing. The big farms are mainly around Zurenath and Liriath. Zurenath was the site of a lot of farms before the disaster, and Liriath is handily flat and fertile and far enough south to not be snowy. In a way it's kind of awful – vast areas being cleared for farming – but they are at least making a strong effort not to completely destroy habitat, and keeping what Earth would call wildlife corridors in.
They decided that it was really important to do that. Muina's ecology is a bit all over the place because outside the circles of coverage around the platform towns, Ionoth have been pretty rampant – cleared by the Ddura on a far more sporadic basis. Native species have survived out there – just dealing with a lot more predators and competitors – and there are some adapted Ionoth too, which the Ddura no longer seem to recognise as foreign to the planet. Settling outside the protected areas is still a big risk at the moment.