by Paloma Meir
Spider opened his front door to let them in. Carolina ran to me and took me in her arms. I was naked and blood smeared. I felt shame. I couldn’t focus on what she was saying. She cried along with me.
John gathered up my clothes and brought them to me. Seeing I lacked the coordination to dress myself, he dressed me while Carolina screamed at the horrible man who had hurt me.
I tried forcing myself to awareness but failed. The surrounding stimulus was more in focus but not full. Tiny Carolina yelled at the large Spider. John lifted my arms over my head, trying to put my top back on. His face was close to mine. I could see he was trying not to look or touch me in a way that would cause more pain. I mumbled thank you and continued saying Danny’s name.
Spider stormed out of the apartment, or was it a house? Where was I? Carolina came to me with a wet towel trying to clean the blood off my legs. I howled at her touch.
“I have my period. I’m so sorry, so sorry. It hurts. Please get Danny. Please.”
“Oh love that’s not your period.” I didn’t know what she meant. John’s eyes were full of tears as he brushed my hair with his fingers.
“Carolina, go see if there’s any ice. Her eye’s going to swell up, see if there’s any aspirin, get her some water too.” I cleaned myself with the wet towel and somehow John managed to get my jeans on with a minimum of movement.
Carolina came back with all that John had asked for. She sat next to me and applied the ice to my eye, saying sorry over and over again. John sat on the other side of me. They huddled into me saying soothing words. Through the tears and the asking for Danny, I began to feel sleepy.
“Zelda we have to go. We can’t stay here. Don’t fall asleep.” She ran her fingers through my tangled hair, “John do you think I could get her on the bus like this?"
“No, I’ll call a cab. Where are we going to take her? She can’t go home like this. Should we call Danny? She keeps saying his name.”
“No we can’t call Danny,” Carolina said
I cried harder and screamed his name as loud as my lungs would allow.
“You’ll see him tomorrow. Everything’s going to be okay. You want to look pretty for him right?” I was aware enough to realize she was speaking to me as if I were a baby.
“Where’s my phone? I need to call him. Please where’s my bag? I need my phone. Danny.”
I managed to stand up and push them away to look for my purse. There was two of everything. I closed one eye and shakily walked across the tiny room. On the floor I saw a blood covered condom which brought on another screaming fit.
They were by my side again. Carolina muttered curse words. John picked up my oversized bag and led me outside onto an outdoor walkway. We were in an apartment complex. Through my visual haze I could see the shabbiness. I fit right in. I considered lying down and become part of the trash filled building. John pulled me up from my slump.
“The cab will be out front in few minutes. You only have to stand for a few more minutes.” I cried more still murmuring Danny’s name.
We walked down the narrow concrete stairwell to the ground floor. Spider stood across the atrium staring at me with sick smile on his face. I screamed again and couldn’t stop. John gently covered my mouth while Carolina rubbed my shoulder.
“We’re almost home, we’re almost home. Everything’s going to be all right. You’re going to be fine. I’m going to take care of you.”
The cab was waiting out front. They gently put me into the backseat between them. I clumsily took my purse from John looking for my phone. Carolina took the purse out of my hands, reached in grabbed the phone and threw it out the window as the cab drove off. It hurt to cry more, but I did it anyway.
“We’ll get you a new one tomorrow.”
“Is your friend okay? Should I take you guys to the hospital?” asked the driver. I looked up at him, my vision finally focusing on singular images. I saw my reflection in the rear-view mirror, my eye was swollen and red, blackish around the socket.
“She’s fine. She drank a little too much. You know how that is...” John said as if were trying to laugh it off.
“What happened to her face?”
“She fell down.” They said as one.
“I don’t want her to get sick in my car. I can’t have anyone stinking it up. Sorry kids it’s my livelihood.” He said as I vomited all over myself which in turn made me cry and scream Danny’s name one last time. The release of the poison in my system sobered me up. I felt more damaged than drunk.
The cab screeched to a halt with shouts of “out” and assorted curse words. Carolina grabbed my purse and took out my wallet and threw a hundred doll bill the cabdriver’s way, apologizing saying that most of it was on my jacket. She was right. All the vomit was on me, with a gentle splattering on John.
We got out of the cab on the border of Santa Monica and West LA. John unzipped my jacket avoiding the barf and took it off me, throwing it in the garbage can next to us. I shivered with coldness of the day. He took his bright yellow sweatshirt off and put it on me. I looked like a bumblebee.
“What do we do now?” Carolina asked
“You’re going to have to call her parents. I’m sure the cab driver reported us and we wouldn’t be able to get another one.” He turned to me and asked, “Are you feeling a little better?"
I nodded my head up and down. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn’t want to think. Suddenly I was relieved I hadn’t called Danny. I would never want him to see me like this. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I wished Spider had beaten me to death.
“Zelda I’m going to call your mom. You’re not going to be in trouble. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have left you alone on the beach.” She started to cry again. I didn’t say anything. I wanted to tell her it wasn’t her fault, but it was too hard to summon the energy. I didn’t care if they called my mom. I didn’t care about anything.
She pulled out her phone and called my mother. I didn’t listen to what she said. It didn’t matter. I sang my favorite song to myself about fruit scented letters.
I hummed, blocking thoughts of Danny from my head. I don’t know how long we stood there on the corner. I closed my eyes and lost myself in visions of flying away.
A car honked waking me from being over the sea. My mom waved of us over. Carolina said good-bye to John. He came over to me and squeezed my hand I suppose not knowing what to say. I opened my mouth to thank him, nothing came out.
“Get in the car girls.” We climbed in the back.
“Zelda are you okay? Why are you wearing that sweatshirt? You know yellow is not your color. Oh my God you smell. What happened? I couldn’t make sense of Carolina on the phone.” The song rang through my head.
“Zelda I’m going to tell her everything. Is that okay?” I didn’t answer.
I sang to myself, pretty gifts, flying away.
“I’m going to tell her now Zelda okay. I’m going to tell her the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong. Come back to me. Please Zelda” She held my filthy hand and told my mother the whole story. My head down, I continued humming. I shut Danny out of my thoughts. Be gone. I was trash.
Chapter Fifteen
I rang the doorbell at Zelda’s house. No answer. I could hear movement in the kitchen. I walked to the window to get someone’s attention as I had done with Anthony before.
I saw Carolina walking into the hallway that led to Zelda’s room carrying a bucket. I thought it had something to do with that crazy book they worked on. They were probably marinating it for an aged effect. They always did weird things that. In some ways they were still little kids.
Ms. Moreau walked into the kitchen and looked very surprised to see me at the window. She motioned me to the front door. I walked back and waited for longer than it would take for anyone to get there. Finally Carolina answered the door.
“Hi Danny. Zelda’s sick. Come back tomorrow.” She tried to shut the door, but I held it open. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen. I wondered
if she had been drinking.
“I’ll just go back and check on her. I’m not afraid of germs.” I tried to walk past her, but she successfully shut the door on me.
“You can’t come in she’s sleeping. Come back tomorrow.” She said through the closed door.
I sat on the porch calling and texting Zelda again. No answer. Did they always put her in quarantine when she was sick? I stood up and knocked loudly on the door. Mrs. Moreau answered it herself. She didn’t look too good either. I was happy I had my flu shot. I would make sure that Zelda got one the next year.
“I’m sorry Danny Zelda is very sick... vomiting. She can’t stop vomiting.”
“I don’t mind Ms. Moreau. I’ll stop in for a minute. She wants to see me.”
“I’m sorry Danny she needs her rest. Come back tomorrow or the next day.”
“Why is Carolina here if Zelda’s so sick?”
“Good question Danny. I’ll send her home in a minute. You should go home too.”
She shut the door. This was bullshit. I walked to Zelda’s window and tapped on it lightly. Mrs. Moreau opened the curtains in a way that I couldn’t see Zelda. She was angry and pointed her finger towards the front door. I walked back to the front of the house. She opened the door.
“Danny, go home now. You do that again and I’ll cut you off from her. Do you understand me? She’s my daughter. I will take care of her.” She screamed and tears fell down her face. I tried to apologize, but she had already shut the door.
I walked home baffled by what had happened. Zelda and her mom had a nonexistent relationship. Her Dad doted on her as if she were a poodle but her mother? Nothing. They hardly ever spoke and Zelda never brought her up. I know she loved her mom but what just happened? Why was her mom crying and taking possession of her that way? I let it go deciding that caring for sick people was Mrs. Moreau’s thing. Weird, but their whole family dynamic was offbeat.
I went back home and saw the box of chocolates I meant to give her. I walked back up to her house and left the box on the porch. They wouldn’t be so crazy as to not give it to her. I would see her in the morning for breakfast. I was sur she would be better by then.
Chapter Sixteen
I awoke in my bed. It was dark out and the lights in my room were dim. Carolina laid on the bed beside me and my mother sat in the chair beside my vanity desk. My head hurt and my body was numb, but I was clean. I wondered how they washed me. I wanted to ask but didn’t have the energy.
“Zelda sweetheart, are you awake?" My mother asked. Tears spilled down the side of my face. She got up and sat beside me on the bed and held my hand. We hardly ever touched each other. It was too novel an experience to be comforting.
“Do you want to talk?” She asked as the song played in my head. I said a silent prayer to Shuggie Otis for the writing the song that kept me sane if that’s what I was.
“Your mom gave you a valium when we got home. We cleaned you up. Do you remember? You’re clean now. It’s all gone. You’re going to be okay. We put Arnica on your eye and put B12 under your tongue. The bruises will fade quickly.” Carolina said. Cool, I thought. I would never be clean again. I could smell the ocean and that filthy man on my skin.
I got up out of bed and went into the bathroom to take a shower. I turned the water on as hot as it could go and scrubbed. It made me think of the time I showered the morning Danny first came over for breakfast. I scrubbed harder wanting to be clean for him again, knowing that wasn’t possible. I cried in the shower silently screaming. My pelvic area and legs were as bruised as my eye. What had that horrible man done to me? I was thankful I only came to at the end. Small miracles I laughed bitterly.
“Are you okay?” Carolina had come into the bathroom to check on me. I screamed.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I looked down at my body and hated it. I wanted to take a knife and carve it up. I had flaunted myself and got what I deserved. I looked in the mirror at my hair. How pukingly common, the hair that I always found so beautiful. I looked like a Barbie doll. I got what I deserved. I cleared my throat and forced myself to speak.
“Carolina could you run and get my scissors?”
“Why do you need scissors?”
“Split ends. I want to be pretty for Danny.” I said in an ugly way remembering what she had said to me earlier in the day. She must have felt bad for that because she ran out of the bathroom and quickly came back with the scissors.
I put them on the sink and taking my brush, I brushed my hair straight up. When Carolina looked away I grabbed the scissors and cut it all off. Looking back over at me and seeing what I had done, she screamed. My mother ran to the sound of Carolina.
“Zelda what have you done?” My remaining hair fell around my around my face. I had chopped off about twelve inches. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Fuck the patriarchy, I thought to myself.
My mother fluttered around me, fluffing up my remaining hair, trying to fix what I had done.
“You know Zelda it looks nice. You needed a change. You look positively gamine. Danny is going to love it.”
“I don’t think that was what she was going for Mrs. Moreau. Would it be all right if you left us alone for a little while?’ She asked.
“For a little bit, but girls we have to talk. Put some more arnica around her eye.” Carolina walked her out of my room and shut the door.
“You’re mom didn’t mean that. She loves you. I wish that you had been more conscious when we got you home. She was so gentle with you and so angry about what had happened. I didn’t mean that. I’m glad you slept. You needed the rest. I’m a mess." She sat down next to me on the edge on my bed.
“What about...?” I couldn’t say his name. The reality of being ruined for him hit me. It was over for us. My heart broke into a million more pieces. I didn’t cry. I was done with tears. I held my pain inside and mixed it with anger. It was a salve for my corrupt soul.
“He came by because you weren’t answering your phone. I told him you weren’t feeling well. He wanted to come in, so we told him you were vomiting. He still wanted to come in. Your boyfriend has persistence. He came by your window. You’re Mom wasn’t happy with that. He gave up and went home. He left you a Hanukah gift. It’s in the kitchen. You want me to go get it?” Carolina said while putting the Arnica around my eye.
“No thank you.” I drifted off to sleep.
…
I woke to Anthony jumping on my bed on Sunday morning. I had promised I would take him down to the tree lot. My body ached, I could barely move. My legs felt wobbly and painful. He looked so happy. I pulled him up to me and gave him a long hug. The movement woke Carolina.
“What happened to your hair and eye? Are you okay?”
“She was cutting her hair last night and fell in the shower.”
“I didn’t ask you. I asked my sister.”
“Be nice Anthony. Like Carolina said, I was cutting my hair and slipped on the floor.” He reached out and touched my bruised eye. I took his hand away and kissed his fingers. “I love you Anthony.” I hugged him tightly.
“How long until you’re ready to go down to the lot?”
My mother walked into my room looking fresh in her long white dressing gown before I could answer him.
“She has to stay in bed today.” My mother said. Anthony looked sad. “Anthony how about the three of us go to the tree lot tomorrow? Or even better drive up the coast to Santa’s Village?”
“Yes.” He said in the enthusiastic way he always spoke. There was no way I could sit in a car all day driving up and down the coast. My head throbbed.
“I’m sorry I’ve got a big test tomorrow I can’t skip school.” I lied, “Could we go and pick out a tree later today?"
“Just the two of us?” He glared at Carolina.
“Just the two of us. Would it be all right if mom or dad drove us down and picked us up? I don’t feel that well.”
“Okay. Can you walk to Mel’s?”
> “Yes.” I let go of him and he crawled off the bed.
“Dad’s almost done with breakfast. Hurry.”
“Is it okay if Carolina and I stay in bed? I don’t feel well Mom.”
“Yes. Your father will be sad but that’s okay. I’ll bring you two a tray. Anthony could you go help your Dad and let him know they’ll be having breakfast in bed.”
“Sure mom.” He ran to the kitchen.
“Zelda we have to talk. I’m going to give you the basics and we’ll go into more depth later. You didn’t deserve this. Yes drinking on the beach with those kind of people shows a great lapse in judgment but you’re young you should be able to make mistakes without being raped.” She looked as if she were going to cry. I felt embarrassed for both of us. “I’m not going to tell your father. You went back to that apartment with that man. Ugly accusations would be made. It’s better for you not to go through that. The devil will get him.”
“I am taking you to a psychologist tomorrow. I can’t get you through this on my own. Carolina told me that he wore a condom. So we won’t worry about that. I don’t want you tell to Danny. He won’t be able to handle it Zelda. We’re going to get you through it but we are going to do it privately. I will not have people talk about you, making up their own ideas, putting them onto to you...”
“What we do is secret?” I asked
“That’s a strange way to put it. I’ll be back with your breakfast. Remember you were in a car accident with Carolina and John. That’s how you got the black eye.”
“We just told Anthony that I fell in the shower.”
“I’ll deal with him. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.” She kissed me on the forehead before going back to the kitchen.
“What time is it Carolina?”
“Almost 8:30. Why?”