by Paloma Meir
Anthony was in their courtyard playing basketball alone. I got out of the car and walked with a purpose to the front door.
“She’s not home.” He missed the hoop.
“Hey Anthony. Where is she?”
“She went to Theodora’s a couple of days ago. My mom said she’s not coming back until the end of the vacation. Now I don’t have anyone to play with.” I took the basketball and threw it into the hoop.
“I’ll play with you.” I tossed the ball to him. He ran around and tossed it up, missing the hoop again.
“Is she feeling any better?”
“No.” He looked sad.
“Does her head still hurt?” I had no idea what was wrong with her. If she were brain damaged why would she be allowed to go on a three-week sleepover?
“No she's almost all better.” He threw the ball down in a frustrated way and sat on the porch. I sat down next to him.
“You okay?”
“She’s always in her room and she doesn’t want me to come in. She sleeps on my floor every night but doesn’t talk to me when she wakes up. She’s not pretty anymore, and she smells bad.”
“She’ll always be pretty.”
“She doesn’t brush her teeth anymore.” That was the most shocking news. That girl loved to brush her teeth. She did it three times a day and always stared into the mirror admiring her smile afterwards. Isabella had been dead on with the preening. I liked watching her take care of herself, all of her lotions and scrubs. All the make-up she put on to look exactly the same way. It was another world.
“She’ll pop out of it.” What did she need to pop out of? Further interrogation of Carolina was worthless and made her cry. She wouldn’t give me anything. I ignored her.
“Hey Anthony do you want to come over to my house? We could bowl or play video games.” He was lonely without her. We could miss her together.
“Robbie’s coming over soon. Thanks anyway.” I went home and slept until the next morning. Happy birthday to me.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sick of my family and Carolina and avoiding Danny on the street, I informally moved to Theodora’s house for the break. So many people came and went my constant presence went unnoticed.
Theodora’s home in Bel Air was an amazing dream of a house. Pale pink in the Hollywood style from the 20’s. Set back far from the road with acres of rose gardens and secret gazebos hidden amongst the trees. It was as large as Danny’s house, but it had been built with an elegance you didn’t see in the new homes.
It was a cold and rainy vacation. We would make plans to go out and do things but changed our minds, choosing instead to lounge around in her plush pink bathrobes and watch movies, make feasts in her kitchen. I began to relax. I even went back to brushing my teeth. She didn’t ask me about my bruises, or the change in my style. She sensed something had happened but waited for me to open up to her.
Everything was all so mixed up in my mind. I missed Danny but knew I wouldn’t be with him ever again. I felt so dirty and damaged, so dead inside. He deserved more than a filthy wreck of a person. I didn’t talk about him to Theodora and she didn’t ask. We had always been in tune with each other. Her patience prompted me to open up to her one night as we lay in her bed.
“Are you awake?” I asked her.
“Barely the sound of the rain outside is hypnotic. Can’t you sleep?” She rolled over to look at me, her blue eyes bright even in the darkness of her room.
“I guess I could. I miss Danny.” I sat up. “I went to the beach with Carolina. She went to get pizza and a man hurt me.” The song went through my head as it always did when I thought about that day too much. “I’m so unclean now.” I began to cry.
“Zelda you’re not unclean. Your beautiful and perfect even in those weird clothes. Don’t think that.” She sat up and hugged me. “It’s going to be okay.”
She talked more to me, asking questions. The song thankfully overpowered her words. I hummed the melody.
“Thank you. I can’t talk about it anymore. I’m sorry. Let’s go to sleep.”
We slept with her arms around me the way Danny always had before the bad day happened.
My mother texted me, interrupting my peace with Theodora with reminders for appointments she made with the psychologist. I skipped the appointments. She wasn’t upset about it, but kept re-booking them. I kept skipping them.
Danny texted, long messages at first. I never read them. They tapered off as the days went by with a tiny bit of sadness in my numb and dead heart. Carolina I only responded to with yes and no answers. Veronica’s texts from London, where she had gone to spend the winter break with her father, were the only ones I responded too with any enthusiasm.
On New Year’s Day the clouds opened up giving us a day of sun and warmth. Theodora and I jumped up out of bed clapping and did a dance of appreciation to whatever Gods had created this day for us. We put on bikinis and ran out to the her pool and jumped in before realizing that the heat had not been on in months and the early morning sun had not been strong enough to raise the temperature. We screamed and scrambled out of the freezing pool laughing. It was the first time in weeks my laughter hadn’t been sad or angry.
In our eagerness to be outside in the sunshine we had forgotten to bring towels down with us. An old blanket laying across a chaise lounge caught my eye. I grabbed it and wrapped it around us. We huddled together for warmth. We stood together and laughed at our forgetfulness. She kissed me. It was a real kiss, like the ones Danny gave me.
The kiss surprised me. I thought of the taunts of “homo” when I was a little girl alone at school and on the bus before Carolina came into my life. Theodora pulled away. I looked at her face. I l had always loved looking at her. In my whole life I would never see anyone as beautiful as Theodora. I kissed her back thinking that maybe those girls knew something about me I couldn’t see in myself.
“Why did you do that?” I asked her as we sat down on the blanket.
“You looked so happy. Why did you kiss me back?”
“Because you’re beautiful. I don’t know.” She kissed me again. The comfort of it confused me further. “Are we gay now?”
“Don’t be so American. We’re exploring.” She looked embarrassed.
“Okay.” I reached out to touch her breast over her silvery bathing suit top. She took it off. I took mine off. We sat there not knowing how to proceed. I reached out to touch her again the way Danny always touched me.
Our breasts were the same size and shape, a plump handful. Her nipples were pink, mine tan. I touched the softness of them. Female bodies had a different beauty than males. The curve was more pleasing to the eye.
“This is making miss Danny. Is it all right if we stop?” I liked kissing and touching her but it didn’t make me feel the way that I did when I was with him. The girls had been wrong. I wasn’t gay.
Before she could answer we heard her father walk out onto his balcony that overlooked the pool. He looked just like Theodora, the same doll face and pouty red lips. He had been a big musician in the 60s or the 70s, quite the sex symbol from what I had heard. I couldn’t see it even though they were practically twins. He was old by then of course, and apparently very accepting.
“Good morning girls can you take your experimentation up to your room. The gardeners will be here soon.” He yelled down to us with a big smile on his face.
We should have been embarrassed, but we weren’t. We grabbed the smelly old blanket and our bathing suit tops and ran back to her room. We never did that again, or even mentioned it again.
I would be going home in two days. I stopped showering and brushing my teeth and put back on my dirty sweater and jeans again in preparation of what awaited me. Theodora’s home had been fantasy of being okay, of forgetting. The hell of my real life awaited me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I texted her the next day, long ones, short ones and then days of question marks, then nothing. I was done with her. She was the raging na
rcissus Isabella had said she was. Dumping me without reason. Fuck her. I was done. Yes my heart hurt. Was I going to let that ruin one more day of my life? No. My girl was gone, left in her place was filthy derelict.
I ran up and down our street. It was a rainy winter. I didn’t care. Two miles to the top of the hill, two miles back to my house. I packed my backpack with rocks and did it every day. When she passed through my mind I would exhale pushing her out of my head. I was amped up from the adrenalin.
I called up Liza. Screw Zelda. I fed my anger taking her out. I had my car, but I made her walk up and down that hill with me. I knew on some level I was hoping for Zelda to see us and come to her senses. I ignored that. Liza was hot. She fell right back into whatever we had before. She had been with others, no problem for me to have sex with her. It was quick and meaningless. I liked it that way.
I took her down to lunch to the diner on Sunset the day before school started. She was telling me some mildly funny story about a house party that had been broken up by the police. Those are the kind of things she liked talking about, no theoretical discussions on the death penalty for her. I liked it better that way. Who was I kidding with Zelda? I took as much interest in what she said as she took in my life.
The door opened, letting cold air into the restaurant. I looked up to make sure someone was going to close it. There she stood. All my talk about hating her disappeared. I could see her through her rough exterior, I could see her in there. I stood without thinking, wanting to go to her. She flipped me off, her angry face returned. I sat back down. My heart pain worse than before she had gone away on her extended visit to Theodora’s. I kept it together by listening to Liza’s story that wasn’t funny anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Going home was the nightmare I knew it would be. The bad memories that had dimmed at Theodora’s house came right back. I was hard and angry. My mother and Carolina waited for me in the entryway and bombarded me questions about how I was feeling. Thanks, I was fine until I came back home.
“We’re built to heal. Can we talk about something else?” My mom kissed me on the forehead and said Anthony had missed me and I should plan a special day with him.
“Okay.” As if I wouldn’t have done that anyway.
Carolina followed me to my room. I found myself wishing that she would go home. I didn’t feel guilty about the thought either. Thank you Spider for removing all sense of moral responsibility from me. You were a gift that keeps on giving. I was saddened by the bitterness flooding back into me. I hated my house.
“Good news or bad news?” She asked
“Is no news an option?” I fell into the chair.
“Ha-ha, it’s my Mom.” Was this the bad news? My guilt returned, how selfish could I be?
“She quit drinking... They put her in thirty day rehabilitation center. We haven’t been able to visit her. She just got out of the detox part.” Her voice went through a million emotions while she spoke.
“That’s great." My voice had a flatness even though I was happy for hear Mrs. Richmond was getting help.
“It’s hard to talk about. I want her to get better. Do you think she will?”
How was I supposed to know? What was she trying to say to me? Was I an expert on drunkenness? I was being paranoid. She was worried about her mom. This wasn’t about me.
“Yes this is going to work. It’s going to be all right now. How’s Serge?” I asked. She ignored my question about Serge. Talking about her mom was never easy. I let it go.
“Now the bad news. Danny is spending time with Liza. They're not like you guys. They’re not all over each other or anything but I’ve seen them walking up and down our street.”
“They’ve always been friends.”
“Okay I didn’t want you to be surprised if you saw them together. He’s probably trying to make you jealous anyway. I’ve never seen him on the road so much before. He’s worse that we used to be when we were little. Up and down the canyon he walks. He has a car. I don’t get it.”
“Let’s go for a walk.”
“No. That’s a bad idea.”
“Oh come on. I’m craving candy. Let’s walk down to the liquor store. It’s been so rainy. Theodora and I were stuck in her house for all the winter break.”
“Okay but you have to promise not to do anything silly if we see them.”
“Why would I do that? I don’t want to see him.” I lied
“All right. Get dressed.”
I looked down at my outfit, my dad’s jeans and his grey crewneck.
“I am dressed.”
“No more homeless clothes. Put on something that fits you.”
I felt dizzy at the thought of wearing anything fitted or flattering. I sat back down in the chair.
“You look a little pale. Should I run to the kitchen and get you some orange juice?”
“No I’m fine. Let’s go.”
“Keep the sweater on if you must but change the pants. They’re four sizes too big on you.”
“No I’m comfortable.”
“Brush your hair then.”
“No.”
“Lipstick? You look like you just got over the flu. You don’t want him to see you like this. Shouldn’t you look your best so that he thinks your having a great time without him? I think I read something like that in a woman’s magazine.”
“I don’t care what he thinks.” I stood up. “Those magazines will rot your brain. It’s all lies. You know better than that.”
“Okay Ms. De Beauvoir. You’re right. Who cares what he thinks.” She brushed my hair out with her fingers.
“Stop that. The patriarchy has destroyed your soul.”
“You’re full of crap you know that right?”
“Probably. I don’t know. I think I’m onto something.”
Out on the street I felt overwhelmed. I couldn’t catch my breath. I stopped at the curb and bent down, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Carolina rubbed my back.
“Are you okay? Why don’t we do this tomorrow?” I took another breath and pulled myself back up.
“I’m fine. Thanks.”
We walked down the hill, passing Liza’s house where Carolina had thrown the bottle all those months ago. We shared a smile over the memory. No sign of my rival. Shame about that, I was feeling feisty after regaining my equilibrium.
The blue sunny skies were gone, the gray had returned. Contemplating the weather, I hadn’t realized how far we had walked until we had gone by Danny’s house. I wanted to turn around and stand in front of it, to absorb his energy or something completely nonsensical like that.
“We passed his house. Was he there? I lost time.”
“Nope. Don’t lose time. We probably won't see him.”
“I told you already, I don’t want to see him.” I lied for the millionth time in my life. “Do you want to go to Mel’s? I’m hungry.” We were at the bottom of the hill in front of the liquor store. “Let’s go in. I need some sweets.’”
“Okay.” We walked directly to the candy area. I grabbed a couple of candy bars and went to the counter. The salesclerk wasn’t paying attention, so I grabbed two tiny bottles of scotch and put them into my pocket. Carolina saw and looked cross with me.
On the street I handed her the airplane bottle. I opened mine and drank it in one foul gulp. The strong flavor burned my tongue. Carolina stared at hers as if not knowing what to do with it, finally she opened the bottle and drank it in one gulp as I had done.
“Why did you do that?”
“I like the way it feels. One little bottle is not going to knock me out.”
“I haven’t been drinking. I stopped doing it that day... I thought you had too.”
“Nope. The Insect isn’t going to take that away from me. I like the effect. Everything’s rosy.”
“Okay but don’t over do it. I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to you again.”
“I won’t. Thank you.”
We opened the door to Mel’s. Danny and
Liza were sitting at a booth in the back. I knew we would see them. Carolina seemed surprised. He was as perfect as he always been before, dressed in a sports related sweatshirt, so clean. My heart jumped.
I questioned my decision. It had been weeks. Maybe I wasn’t as wretched as I imagined. If Mel’s Diner hadn’t had mirrors, I would have fooled myself. But I saw myself, my bloodless pale face, stringy unwashed hair, my homeless outfit. My insides and outsides matched.
He looked up at me mid conversation with Liza. His face dropped. He got up from his seat in the booth as if to walk over to me. I impulsively flipped him off. He sat back down. He looked so sad for a moment. I hated myself. He turned back to Liza and started talking to her again. My only victory was the easy expression was gone from his face. I had spread my hateful energy. I hated myself even more.
“Let’s go.” Carolina pulled at the stretched out sleeve of my sweater.
We walked home in silence.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I took Liza home and went at her with a fury. I closed my eyes and pretended she was Zelda. It didn’t work. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was a nice person. This wasn’t fair to her. I rolled off of her.
“I don’t know if we should do this. I’m still hung up on Zelda.”
“That’s not what I wanted to hear, but I knew it. I don’t know what happened with you two, but she was never right for you. Hang out with me. You’ll see. I know you’ve always liked me.” She was very wrong about that last part.
“You don’t mind? I know Zelda’s gone for good. That train’s departed. Great, now I sound like her.” I hit myself on the head.
“No offense but she was awful. So snobby.” My girl was prissy and shy, never a snob but I didn’t say that to Liza.
“She wasn’t so bad. I don’t want you to trash her anymore. She’s going through something.” What was she going through? I asked myself.
“You and me forever Danny. I have to know... Why is she dressed like a homeless person? She was kind of cute before.” Kind of cute? She was one of the Three Princesses. I laughed and reminded myself to call Isabella when I got home.