by Paloma Meir
“I don’t have time right now. If she tries to leave stop her.”
“You’re not leaving this house without telling me what is going on young man.”
“Someone hurt her and nobody helped her. I’m leaving now.”
“Who hurt her? Should I call the police?” I was never going to get out of here without telling her the truth.
“She was raped. I don’t know much more than that. It was a few months ago. She fell apart. Her family didn’t help her. I didn’t help her. I gave up on her. I didn’t know.“ I broke down, that was it. I hadn’t cried since I was five. My mother held me, patting my head.
“I don’t understand any of this but it’s going to be okay son. Let it out.” I pulled myself together.
“I have to get her some clothes. I have to set her sick family straight. She’s going to live here now, I’ll take of her.”
“She can’t live here Danny. We’ll help her but she can’t live here. Go get her clothes and come right back. We’ll come up with a plan. Don’t engage with her family.”
“She’s staying with us. I’m the only one that can help her. She’s mine.” I knew as I slammed the door that saying she was mine was childish.
I had left my car at Liza’s. I didn’t have time to go back and get it. I ran to Zelda’s house and stormed through the front door without knocking. Fuck her family.
I pounded my way back to her room and found one of her giant bags and went through her closet looking for simple clothes that wouldn’t scare her. Nothing fancy, I grabbed leggings and jeans, t-shirts, oversized ones. I didn't pick out anything that would draw attention to her. She wasn't ready for that.
Underwear, bras, socks and a couple pairs of sneakers, it seemed like enough. Her bathroom was complicated. She had every imaginable product. Didn’t her parents ever say no to her? I took her toothbrush. What else did she really need? I had shampoo.
I ran right into her mother as I made my way through their kitchen and back to my house. I felt a hate so deep. I wanted to tear this woman apart. How could she have let this happen? Did she have any sense of responsibility? I was torn, get back to Zelda or let this woman know how she had failed her daughter? She spoke, her mistake.
“Hello Danny. Where’s Zelda?”
“She’s at my house drunk, dirty and starving thanks to you and your unique approach to parenting.”
“Excuse me?” She looked shocked.
“I know what happened. What an interesting choice. Swear her to secrecy, not get her help. Keep her away from me." I pushed through the tears that threatened to fall and focused my wrath on her instead.
“You don’t understand.”
“I fucking understand. You purposely destroyed her. There’s not another way to see it Mrs. Moreau, you and your old fuck of a husband. Did she make you hate getting old? I wouldn’t expect more from you and your cat like ways with her but your husband? Her father? I thought he loved her. How could you two watch her stumble down to the depths she’s fallen into?”
“She drank with that man on the beach. We couldn’t go to the police. You don’t know the ways of the world. They would have crucified her. I would not allow people to treat her that way. I made the right choice.”
“Okay crazy lady, you didn’t. Forbidding her from telling me or anyone else outside of Carolina? What fount of wisdom did that come from?"
“Look at yourself. You couldn’t have handled it then and you’re definitely not handling it now. You would have broken up with her.”
“I know now and I’m not breaking up with her. She’s mine. I’m keeping her. She’s going to live with me from now on.”
“She’s not a possession, she’s a person. You don’t own her Danny. Your man act was tiresome when she was seeing you. It’s ridiculous now.”
“Is Mr. Moreau home?”
“No.”
“What’s his number? I am going to call him right now.”
“He doesn’t know about any of this. I told him that it was a new style and she was sad that the two of you had broken up.”
“You can tell him or I’ll come back later and tell him. Your choice because I need to get back to your daughter and take care of her because that was something you couldn’t do.”
“I’ll tell him. Go Danny. Leave now.”
...
My mom was standing by the door waiting for me when I walked in the door, so many obstacles to get to Zelda.
“Danny, come sit down and tell me everything.”
“I don’t have time.” I headed up the stairs.
“I went to check on her she’s wrapped up in a towel asleep on your bed. Let her rest. Come.” She held out her hand and led me to the sofa in the living room.
“I’m not understanding what’s going on. She smelled of liquor when you brought her in. It’s not even 10:00 A.M. Please explain as simply as you can. It will calm you down and I’ll know how to help the two of you.”
We sat down on the sofa and I told her the story. Telling it in chronological order was helpful. Things became clear. How had I not seen it? I let her down.
“She has to go away Danny. On top of everything she has a drinking problem. It will do her a world of good to go into a therapeutic setting and deal with these issues.”
“She’s not crazy. I can help her. I’ll fix her.”
“I meant a drug rehabilitation center not a psychiatric facility. She’s needs a break and support. It’s not realistic for her to come live with us. Her parents wouldn’t allow it. Your devotion for her is admirable but she is long past the point of family and friends being able to help her.”
“No she’s staying with me.”
“I’m going to call her parents. I know of several excellent facilities for her. It’s only thirty days Danny. You’re not thinking clearly.”
“Three days. Let her stay here for three days. Please. Let me just literally get her back on her feet. You’re right, I can’t save her but I could help her for three days.”
“All right. I’ll call her parents now. The three days is up to them. If they agree, then fine. Any acting out on her part and she goes to the facility immediately. Understood?”
“Thank you” I didn’t know what she meant by acting out. She was with me now. I would get her all better in three days and then she wouldn’t have to go away.
...
I opened the door to my room to find her asleep, curled up in a towel on my bed as my mother had said. Her cheeks were pink from the heat of the shower. She was clean again. Her legs were so skinny. She had always been thin but now she was bony. I didn’t know whether to wake her. I sat down next to her and ran my hands through her hair. It had grown out. I liked it short, I liked it long, anyway was beautiful to me. I put the bag on the bed. It woke her up.
“It took longer than I thought. Did you have a good nap?” I spoke gently to her. She looked frightened.
“I’m so ashamed. I’ve been so mean to you. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything is going to be okay now that you’re here with me.” I kissed the top of her head.
I reached into the bag and took out some leggings and t-shirt and told her to get dressed. She stood up and dropped her towel. I looked away, wanting to give her privacy.
“Don’t you like me anymore?”
“I don’t want to... You need time.” I kissed her concave stomach. I needed to get her something to eat. “We’re going to take it slow.”
“I missed you so much. All the time I missed you.” She leaned down taking my face into her hands and kissed me. It was as if nothing bad ever happened. I ran my hands down to her backside. The boniness pulled me back to present.
“We need to get some food in you. I’m going to go make you a sandwich.”
She climbed on top of me and took my shirt off and kissed me. This was not part of my plan. She was moving too fast like she always did. I had missed her too.
“You have to stop. Yo
u have to talk to me.” I rolled her off of me and handed her the clothes. “When did you last eat?”
“I think I had a slice of pizza yesterday. I don’t know.” She pulled up the leggings that hung on her like pants.
“I’m going to go make you that sandwich. Are you all right for a minute?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“I’m going to throw these away.” I picked the filthy outfit that she would never wear again.
Downstairs I made her a warm chicken breast sandwich with extra mayonnaise and provolone cheese to fatten her back up. I heard my father come in through the garage as I sliced the chicken. His expression showed my mom had already filled him in on what had happened with Zelda.
“You did good Danny, but that’s as far as it’s going to go. I spoke with her father. Their house is in pandemonium, very strong emotions running through them. He agreed to let her stay her for three days. Then she goes Danny.”
“Thanks Dad.” I rushed passed him, full tray in hand to get back to Zelda upstairs.
I opened the door with my foot. The first thing out of her mouth was asking me if I had broken up with Liza yet. She was improving before my eyes. I joked with her about the Liza situation, telling her I would end it the next day. If I did it then she would probably key my car, and I wouldn’t even be able to be mad at her.
I changed the subject to her parents. I told her I had spoken to her mother. I left out my angry takedown, no need to further upset Zelda. I asked her why she never told her dad. She panicked, worried that Anthony knew. I would have to be gentle with the questions. I hugged her and gave her the sandwich. She ate in four bites.
She spoke in circles after that. I would ask her a question and she would take it out of context. She had breathing problems from the anxiety. She would try to leave, then she was sitting on the floor shaking. I cursed her mother. I cursed myself for not putting up a better fight for her. Looking back it seemed as if I had let her go. It didn’t feel that way at the time. I tried not to think about it because the thoughts weren’t helping with the situation at hand.
I had to get her to talk about it. The day was poison to her. I couldn’t imagine how big it must have become in that imaginative mind of hers.
“It’s hard. It’s hard to talk about. I haven’t done that. That’s not true, I told bits and pieces to Theodora., not the whole thing though. I don’t know most of what happened. I went away... blacked out. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”
“A little every day, that’s all you have to do.” I picked her up off the floor. “Should I tell you about the plan? How I got you to stay here for a couple of days?”
“No. It’s enough for the day. Can we do something simple, like watch television?”
I didn’t push her anymore. We could talk about rehab in the morning, not that she would actually go there. She wanted to watch TV. We would watch TV. She watched me more than the show.
During the commercials she said she wanted us to go for a hike in the morning. She made future plans, all very active for someone who was definitely more of an indoor girl. I knew everything would be okay. A good nights sleep would get her back on track.
...
It was late. She was tired. We climbed under the covers to go to sleep. To hold her in my arms all night without having to run out at the break of dawn was a dream come true. She started touching me, saying she wanted to have sex.
She said that Spider had taken something from her and she wanted a memory of me in his place. She told me she loved which she had never said before. Everything was moving too quickly with her. It was painful to listen to.
She misunderstood my reluctance thinking it had something to do with Liza. I don’t think she actually believed that. At one point I called her princess, she trembled and lost focus. She asked me in a joking way not to call her that anymore. I wanted to know what the word meant to her now, but let it go. I thought we would talk more in the morning.
She told me a story of her kissing Theodora over the winter break, spinning it into an erotic tale, trying to break my resistance. I had forgotten how determined she could be to get her way. How many times had I held her back? I gave up. I laid her back on the bed and kissed her newly clean body. Over and over she kept saying she loved me then her eyes closed, and she fell asleep, her virginity intact. I always won.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I woke with a jerk. I knew that I had a bad dream but I couldn't remember it. Spiders stuck in my head. I was so sick of it. Be gone Insect Man.
I looked passed Danny sleeping, his chest rising up and down to see the clock, 6:30. I wanted to wake him up for our hike but it was too early. Thirsty, I slipped on my clothes that lay by the bedside and tiptoed down the stairs to his kitchen.
The house was so quiet and dark, so different than mine. My home was always so creaky with age. I made it to the kitchen without making a sound. I was starving, another feeling I hadn’t had in such a long time.
I opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of orange juice. I didn’t see anything I could eat quickly without cooking. I opened the freezer hoping that they had frozen waffles or something I could heat up. A large bottle of Vodka sat on the top shelf.
I closed the freezer and walked to the cupboard to get a cup for my orange juice and carefully poured it in. I stopped pouring at ¾ of the way up the glass. I stared at the glass.
I went back to the freezer, looked at the Vodka and closed the door again. I leaned against it. A little bit wouldn’t hurt. I had only left room in my orange juice cup for one tiny shot, more like a half a shot. I thought of my promise I had made to Danny.
I opened the freezer and took the Vodka out. I looked at the bottle and considered my options. It would be fine. I had a bad dream, Danny would understand. A small drink a day never killed anyway and could hardly be called a problem. The French drank gallons of wine every day.
I took the Vodka bottle to my orange juice and poured, more like a splash, a big splash. I took a sip and swallowed. What was I doing? It was so stupid. Danny would be mad and I didn’t need it anymore anyway. Ridiculous.
Mrs. Goldberg walked into the kitchen.
“Good morning Zelda," She turned on the lights. “Oh, Zelda, it’s not even 7:00 AM.”
“I was just going to pour it out I promise. I’m so sorry.”
She pressed the intercom on the wall above the light switch.
“Herb, get Danny and bring him to kitchen right now. Herb do you hear me? Please now.”
“Mrs. Goldberg I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. You don’t understand.”
“I knew this was a bad idea. We should have taken you in last night. I’m soft. Danny... “ She shook her head.
Take me where? I thought, too scared to ask.
Mr. Goldberg and Danny came into the kitchen, both sleepy eyed and wearing white terrycloth bathrobes. I wanted to die. Never in my life had I been more embarrassed as I felt standing next to the orange juice and Vodka bottle. They would never understand.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
My dad’s hand not Zelda’s woke me up. I looked around. She wasn’t beside me anymore. My dad told me we had to go downstairs. I wasn’t wearing pajamas. I ran to my bathroom and put on my robe. My dad hadn’t seen me naked since I four or five. I was too worried about her to feel embarrassed.
We went into the kitchen. My mother stood arms crossed, facing Zelda. Zelda with a glass of orange juice in her hands a 1/5 of Vodka on the counter next to her. What had she done?
“Danny, this is what I warned you about. She's alcoholic. Why did I let you talk me into letting her stay here?” She turned to Zelda, “We did you a great disservice. We should have taken you to rehabilitation center last night. “
“What?” Was all I could say. I saved her, why was she drinking? She had been so happy when she fell asleep. This wasn’t part of my plan.
“Danny you have to believe me. I was pouring it out when your mom walked in. I promise. You
believe me, don’t you?” She looked so desperate.
“I’m confused. You woke up and came down for Vodka? Why? What happened? You promised me you wouldn’t drink anymore.”
“I had a bad dream and woke up so thirsty. I don’t know… I was looking for waffles. I saw the bottle. Habits... I promise you I was throwing it out and what does your mom mean by rehab?”
I didn’t say anything.
“Danny you have to believe me.” It wasn’t a question of believing her. She was so damaged.
My Mom told my Dad to call her parents. Everything had been so perfect. I was going to make her all right again. We walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. Zelda huddled up against me.
“I can smell it on your breath Zelda.”
“I took the smallest sip and was pouring it out when your mom walked in. I would never lie to you. You have to believe me. Please Danny believe me.”
“I do believe you.” I pulled at my hair in an attempt to wake myself up from this nightmare. “But what about tomorrow and the day after? How are you going to stop yourself?”
“I don’t know. I’m done with it. I feel better. It was stupid. As long as you’re with me I’m fine. I’ll be good.” That’s what I thought too.
“You can’t rely on Danny to keep you sober Zelda. He’s only a year older than you. That’s a tremendous responsibility.” My mother said.
I didn’t mind taking it on, but it wasn’t working.
“Mom she didn’t mean it like that.” I turned to her, “I was with you and you went downstairs to get a drink.” I couldn’t make sense of it.
“It was an accident. It won’t happen again. Please Danny. I’m fine. Please believe me. It won’t happen again."
“Oh really Zelda you accidentally drank Vodka at 6:45 in the morning?”
Her parents walked in with Anthony. Zelda flipped out, the only correct emotion she had shown in months. Who were these people who lacked such sense? No wonder she had fallen apart in such a horrible way. I couldn’t save her either but I could be her friend.