by Paloma Meir
I would never have worn it again, but I still missed that jacket.
“That doesn’t sound provocative.”
“It must have been. Look what happened. I brought it on myself. It’s okay Rita.” I patted her hand to comfort her, "It was me.” Her face softened she looked like she wanted to hug me.
“I want everything to be okay again. I want to go home and see Danny. So if we could get this rehab done early that would be great. Give me a checklist. I’ll do it. I’m an alcoholic, I was provocative, I won’t do that anymore. I stopped that way of dressing. You should have seen what I was wearing after the bad day. Nobody liked my new look though. I’m going to dress normal now but you know nothing that anyone would notice. I went too far, dressing to scare people off, in retrospect invisible would have been better. I learned. It’s going to be all right now.”
“You are good. You didn’t do anything to deserve what happened to you. You want me to tell you about the Patriarchy? The Patriarchy is what makes you feel that it was your fault. You seem to have the meaning backwards. Let’s not talk about feminist theory now. Let’s focus on your feelings. You’re doing very well.” She patted my hand.
“Yo, baby yo, baby yo” I turned to the sound of the 80s rap greeting. A boy stood in the doorway. He was black, cute with a Jheri curl and a ridiculously oversized Lakers outfit. He was my age. I jumped up from the table and held out my hand, so happy, a young person.
“Hi I’m Zelda.” He looked down at my hands and tapped my fingers with his. Okay.
“Yo, I’m Keith.”
“Zelda we’ll talk later. Very good for the first day.”
“Thank you Rita if you could get me that checklist I would really appreciate it. Thanks.” She laughed as she walked out of the room.
“What checklist? I didn’t get a checklist.”
“The checklist of things we need to do to get out of here.”
“They don’t have checklist. It’s all about personal growth or some shit.” Keith laughed
“Probably but there are always hoops to jump through. Someone must have written them down. If we find the list we’ll be out of here in no time at all.”
He laughed harder.
“It’s not funny. It works for school. I work less than anyone else I know but I’m getting the same or better grades, Well I was until the little drinking thing.”
“The little drinking thing?”
“Yes.”
“What are you in here for?” I hoped it wasn’t meth. The meth commercials with girls prostituting themselves in gas station bathrooms always scared me.
“Slinging rock.”
“Slinging rock? What does that mean?”
“Joking. Cocaine.”
“Oh,” I didn't know what else to say.
“Do you like candy?”
“Yes... more than anything.”
“I have a drawer full of it, come on.”
He had a roommate, Ernie, but he was in a meeting with his counselor. Keith had a quilt from home. It made a big difference, cozy. I would have to ask my mother to bring mine. He opened the drawer of his bedside table. It was stuffed with all different kinds of candy. He told me take as much as I wanted. I didn't want to be greedy, and I was sure we would be friends since it seemed as if we were the only two people under twenty-five in the rehab. I took one chocolate bar. I greedily opened it, devouring it in seconds.
“Where are you from?” I asked
“Compton bitch.” He sang out, “I wish... I live in Beverly Hills. My dad’s in air conditioning. All my friend’s parents are in the entertainment business, my dad, air conditioning. No cred there.”
“I’m sorry.” I think, “I live in the Hollywood Hills. We’re right next door to each other.”
We played the do you know game. We didn’t have many friends in common. He was far more social than me, which wasn’t a big surprise.
“You want to see something?’
“Yes” I hoped for more food related surprises.
“You’re cool right? Not a nark right?"
“No, not a nark.” I hoped that he wasn’t about to show me any alcohol or drugs. I wouldn’t be his friend anymore if he did that. I wouldn’t tell on him but I didn’t want any part of that. I wanted to get better and get out of this prison.
He leaned down under his bed, with a quick look to the door to make sure that no one passing by saw anything unusual. He slipped his hand between the mattresses and pulled out a cell phone.
“Can I use it? They won’t let me call my boyfriend.”
“You’ve got a boyfriend? I thought we could have a good time.” A wave of fear hit me and I slumped down on the floor.
“Hey I was kidding. I have a girlfriend. Here let me show you. I’m sorry. Pretend everything I say is a joke. It usually is. Hey, are you okay?”
I shook myself off. What was wrong with me?
“Sorry, must have been the chocolate. It’s been a while since I've eaten that much sugar.”
He sat down next to me, behind the bed, away from the door and opened a website on the phone. I had never seen or heard of it before, so many pictures. He had over 1000 friends. I could count my friends on my hands.
“How do you have so many friends?"
“What? I don’t know them all. How many do you have?"
“Danny, that’s my boyfriend, Carolina...”
“Not in real life, on this.” He waved his hand over his phone.
“I don’t have one. We’re not allowed the internet at my school. They used to let us before I started going there. A girl killed herself and now they won’t let us use it.” I shrugged.
“You go to International?”
“Yes and we do use computers. Writing and reference programs, but not this kind of thing.”
“Wow.” He looked at me as if I were an alien.
“You can’t miss what you never had... Can I look at it? Maybe Danny has one. I don't think so though, he's more of an outdoor person.” Why didn’t I pay more attention to what he did?
“What’s his name?”
“Danny Goldberg.”
“I’ll look” He easily pulled up Danny’s page. A picture of us filled the tiny screen.
“Is that you?” There I was in my blue Chanukah outfit. I looked so different. The short skirt and provocative boots. I got exactly what I deserved. I felt sick.
“You were hot. What happened? I mean you know you’re really pretty." He hit himself in the head, “Shut up Keith”
“I’m tired. I’m going to go to my room and lie down. Can we spend time together later? It’s nice to have a friend here.” What an uncool thing to say, I thought to myself.
“We have a meeting in an hour. Want me to come and get you for it?”
“Yes.” I walked down the hallway, rubbing my head, desperately trying to regain my equilibrium.
…
He picked me up so to speak and we went to the meeting. It was an AA meeting. I liked it. The patients spoke their deepest, darkest secrets. I loved hearing it. Their tales of flying planes across the country in blackouts made me feel better about myself. I had only put myself in danger, not the flyover states.
Other people had blackouts, none as bad as mine it sounded like, but maybe they held things back. I didn’t quite understand how sharing our miseries would help us not drink. The best part was when the older men tried to outdo each other in with their stories of debauchery.
Not much was expected of Keith and myself. We were in the big leagues. These people had twenty years of abuses under their belts. Keith kept making funny faces at me daring me to laugh.
After the meeting we had lunch of lasagna and salad. It was the same food as on the detox side of the floor. I had been hoping for better meals, but it was fine. We went back to his candy drawer after out meal and each ate a pack of Smartie’s.
After lunch they took us to a different floor in the building to a yoga studio and had us do strange interpretive dances, moving o
ur bodies to express our feelings or something. I didn’t get it. Keith and I just danced around. He was really good, better than me even, going from something that looked like break dancing and then pulling me into a tango.
Finally my first rehab day was over, twenty-six more to go before freedom. Keith and I ran to the phones. There were only two of them, and a line had formed. I needed to call Danny. I tapped my foot impatiently and whispered to Keith asking if I could use his cell phone. He said no, we could only use it for the internet access. His mother had the phone part turned off. It only worked with Wi-Fi.
“I guess Danny will be here soon. Visiting hours are at 6:30, right?”
“Let’s get some dinner. What about your parents? Aren’t they going to be your first visitors?”
“I hadn’t thought about that. I’ll say hi and send them on there way home. I can’t wait for you to meet Danny. You’ll love him. Who’s coming to visit you tonight?”
“I haven’t had any visitors since the first night. I don’t know.”
“Has you girlfriend been here yet? What’s her name?"
“Lana, she’s coming on Friday.”
“Oh fun. I’m sure Danny will be here too. We can hang out.”
“You’re really upbeat for rehab. Come on let’s go get dinner. I’ll let you talk about Danny some more.” He teased.
…
Dinner wasn’t much different than lunch. It came on trays from a tall cart. We had vegetarian options but Keith and I had the Salisbury steak and sweet potatoes. It was bland but filling. The desert was cheesecake. I noticed many of the other patients picked at the main course but all of them ate the dessert with gusto, practically licking their plates clean. We did the same.
“Candy drawer?”
“Yes.”
We raced to his room, knocking into each other, trying to push each other down to get the drawer first. The old people in the hallway didn’t appreciate our games. “Slow down” and “damn kids” were phrases we overheard on our dash. I won and for my prize I selected a Three Musketeers bar. Keith went with pure sugar rush, the Sweet Tarts.
“Visitor room?”
We ran again, screaming, amped up from the sweets. We were the first to the room and sat at a four-person table and waited for our visitors. 6:45, the room was crowded with families and friends of the others, nobody for us. 7:00 nobody, I grew antsy. Where was Danny? I was curious about my parents not being there, but relieved at the same time. The schedule Rita had given me showed four family counseling meetings. That would be more than enough time with them.
But Danny? Where was he? I worried he misunderstood my words in the nurse’s office the other day. I meant that it would be okay if we were just friends. It wasn’t okay to cut me off. No, I pushed the thought from my mind. He wouldn’t abandon me without a word. Maybe he had a game or extra homework. I wouldn’t panic. It was Thursday, a school night.
“I’m sure he’ll be here any moment.”
“Traffic probably.”
“Yes traffic or school things.”
I jerked my head around to sound of the door opening and closing. Old people, and more old people, going in and out. No visitors for us. Keith looked bored, tapping out rhythms on the table with his hands. He had long beautiful fingers, feminine like a girl. I wondered if he played the piano. I was too distracted by the coming and goings of the room to ask him.
“Hey Zelda let’s go watch some television. They’ll come and get us when he gets here.”
“No I want to be right here waiting… Never mind, you’re right. Let’s go.”
Our sugar high was long gone by the time we reached the TV room. It was empty, all the other patients were with their friends and family. We threw ourselves down onto the crunchy vinyl sofa.
“Good we have control. We’ll have it all night. First come, first serve is the rule of this room. What do you want to watch?"
“Let’s find an old movie. Have you ever seen Days of Wine and Roses? I wish that was on. Perfect for rehab. Those two were alcoholics, hiding their bottles in the garden. Humph. I’m going to make Rita watch. Then she’ll know I’m not like them.”
“I’m going to go with Scarface. That was me. I wanted it to be anyway. I haven’t seen Days of Wine and Roses. It had adults in it though right? Like the other folks here? They started out like us. Rita will tell you that’s the road you're on. I know, I tried the young trick with them. Won’t work. They’ve got an answer for everything.”
“So you’re on the “I’m an alcoholic” wagon? I got a little carried away. If they hadn’t put me in here I would have stopped anyway... I’m sure of it... I would have stopped.” I nodded my head believing it to be true.
“I didn’t drink too much. I drank but coke was my thing. I would leave my house Thursday and crawl back on Monday. Gangster life.”
“Gangster life? You live in Beverly Hills. Silly.”
“Calling me on my shit. You go girl.” He playfully punched me on my arm. “What happened to you, what is your story?”
“You have twenty-six days to find out.” I punched him back, “Remote?”
He handed it to me. We couldn’t find a movie old or otherwise. The rehab was kind of cheap, only the most basic cable. Instead we watched entertainment shows filled with celebrities out having fun. Candy and junk TV, rehab wasn’t so bad.
...
I woke early the next day and showered. How had I been so dirty for so long? Being clean felt so good. Danny had packed very casual clothes for me, which was what I wanted. I loved looking at my drawer knowing he had gone through my wardrobe and picked the clothes out.
He would never be a stylist, mostly white tops and leggings and jeans. I dressed happy knowing that he would like what I was wearing. One less thing to think about. I couldn’t wait to see him. The day would be long waiting for him.
Keith was outside my door waiting for me. We walked towards the dining room. The opening of the locked detox door caught our attention. We were eager for new face to add to our gang of two. Pascal, she was finally up. We ran to her, excited to add another young person to our group.
“Hi Pascal. I don’t know if you remember me. You slept a lot. I was your roommate for a few days.”
She wore black leather pants. She had teeny, tiny, legs like sticks and wore a ripped up black t-shirt, piercings in her nose and eyebrow. She was beautiful, but intimidating. She looked us up and down, turned around and walked out the entrance of the rehab.
“What did I say? Can she do that? Should we get someone?”
“We’re not locked in Zelda. Technically we can leave whenever we want. Some shit about wanting it.”
“We can leave right now?”
“Yeah but don’t do it.”
“But we could? Could I go find Danny and come back later?”
“You could but your parents would find out and put you in a lockdown ward.”
“You’re right. It’s not so bad here. Let’s go eat.”
We never saw Pascal again. I hoped she was okay.
...
Breakfast was good. We had cinnamon rolls.
We ran around together, going to our meetings. I had never been around such confessional people before. Nothing was off-limits sex, bowel movements, leaving kids in department to go “score”. It was as if I had stumbled into an “R’ rated reality show. I was shocked and loved it.
After lunch Rita found me for our daily counseling sessions. I asked if Keith could come with me. She said no. She held a bag of books and put them on the table. We sat down.
“Your mom dropped off your school books and assignments for the months. You are on a temporary home school schedule with your school. Don’t worry the credits will transfer. We’ve had teens here before.”
“Why am I here? I mean I’m fine here, but it’s just Keith and me. Aren’t their teen rehabs?”
“Your parents had you booked for one in Malibu, but your condition became more urgent as I know you know. We had a sp
ot available. Would you be more comfortable at another facility?”
“No I’m fine. Keith and I are having fun. All good.” I didn’t want to start all over again at all and I did like being with Keith. We had fun, he didn’t pressure me to tell him my story. I didn’t pressure him. We accepted one another. Who knew if I would find someone like him elsewhere? Most of the kids that I knew of who went away had dramatic, bad energy. I was fine there with the old people and their crazy stories.
“Good. I’ve grown fond of you. I would miss you.” I blushed. She looked through her papers, “Well your grades have dropped. Would you like us to arrange a tutor to help you catch up?”
“No I’m fine. We’re only half way through the semester. I can pull it back up.”
“Good starting tomorrow we’ll find a quiet area where you and Keith can do your work together. Two hours a day.”
“Cool.”
“Yes cool Zelda. It’s good to see you relaxed. Anything you want to talk about today?”
“No. I guess I have a question. My mom dropped off my books but didn’t come to visit me last night. Is she mad at me?”
“No, no I must have forgotten to tell you yesterday. We asked your parents not to visit until the first family meeting. It’s Monday. Is that okay with you?”
“Fine. Did you tell Danny not visit me too?”
“We only speak to your family. Your privacy is respected.”
“I wonder why he didn’t visit me last night? Has he called me?”
“I don’t know. Your phone messages would be on the bulletin board by the front desk.”
“Hmmm... He must have been busy. He’ll be here tonight.”
“I’m sure he will. I would like to talk to you about the rape. Yesterday you mentioned you felt you dressed provocatively and deserved it.”
“Yes, Can we talk about something else? I like your top.” Her top was a simple white blouse. It was a bad choice for distraction, I should have focused on her shoes, which were at least shiny, and possibly the only thing she owned with a spark of fashion. I would have to watch her style. Bland is what I would be wearing when I left this place.