by Paloma Meir
She told me she had kissed Keith to prove that she wasn’t hypersexual which was one of the shittier things I said to her. My control spun out of control. I was going to find “Keith” and take him down.
She pulled me back down to the bed and reminded me I had a girlfriend. I knew I drove her to the stupid test of her lust level. She was very matter of fact about passing the test that I hadn’t asked her to take. The monster in me deserved it and more.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t want to lose you. I know how I feel about you. Stay with me if only as a friend.” She looked like she was going to cry, but stiffened as I hugged her tight.
“I won’t leave you. I won’t leave you.” I said over and over to her as I held tight. I would be her friend. I couldn’t be good to her any other way.
She asked me questions about my family. Her eyes open wide, struggling to pay attention. It broke my heart. I told her all the things I had already told her to put some normalcy between us again. It wasn’t interesting even to me.
The visiting hour over, she walked me to the exit. When I kissed her goodbye, she moved her head so that my lips landed on her cheek. I knew resetting our boundaries was the right thing to do, but I didn’t like it.
“You’ll come visit me tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
I couldn’t find the energy within myself to rehash my visit with Danny as I went in search of Keith. We seemed to have reached a plateau of friendship. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I knew it would have to be good enough for the time being. As long as he continued to visit me I knew I would be fine.
I found Keith in his room hidden behind his bed again. Phone in hand but he wasn’t looking at it. He stared off into space the way that I always did. A very bad habit for me, and out of character for him.
“How was your visit? Was that your Mom? Is she okay?” I sat down beside him and looked right at him, hoping to engage him.
“Yeah.” I grew nervous as he continued staring off.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I had never been an intrusive person. I had a small circle of close friends, and it hadn’t been needed. I felt uncomfortable probing him.
“Can we talk tomorrow? I’m tired, thinking about going to bed early.”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you in the morning.” I didn’t know whether to push him. I looked at how he was sitting to try to read my next move. I decided to give him space. I gave him a quick, very sisterly kiss on the cheek, and went back to my room.
…
He was quiet at breakfast the next morning. I tried to draw him out without success. He picked at his eggs only really eating the fruit. I watched him carefully trying to find a way in. He was droopy. I went to get him coffee although that wasn’t part our daily diet.
“You’re sweet Zelda trying to pick me up. I see a chocolate bar in you future.”
“Is there anything I can do? We could talk.” I so much wanted to help him if I could. Danny was always so relentlessly happy, he didn’t need me.
“I think I’ll talk in the meeting today. Thanks for the coffee. Let’s go.” And with that we walked to the first meeting of the day.
“Hi I’m Keith, an alcoholic. Well mostly cocaine. I’ve been doing it for a year now. Living the gangster life.” I poked him in the belly, he could be so silly sometimes. “Not the gangster life. Fast forward three weeks ago. I had been out for three days on a coke run. I didn’t sleep or eat. We ran out of money and drugs. My run was over. I went home. My Mom opened the door and screamed asking where I was, was I on drugs, what am I doing with my life. You know same old shit. I punched her. I knocked her down. I beat my mother. I broke her nose and leg.”
He stared blankly out the window.
“The police came, the ambulance. It’s a blur. She’s okay now... The doctors locked me down. They said I had cocaine psychosis. I can’t do it again, ever. I can’t slip up the way all of you do, in and out hospitals. This has to stick. I love my Mom. I respect women. I can’t do that again. My dad won’t come visit. My girlfriend, I don’t know. I’ve got to get better.”
“I won’t let you slip Keith. I’ll take you to meetings. It’s going to be all right.” I parroted back all the words said to me in the previous months and felt the futility of them, the powerlessness of trying to make someone else okay.
“You’re a good friend Zelda.” He patted my arm, but continued staring ahead in the vacant way.
Usually in the meeting the patients would speak and then move onto the next person. Not this time. The old people spoke to him directly offering words of support and solutions. It was kind of beautiful.
…
Keith and I went to the visiting room at visiting hours. I worried about Danny’s reaction but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving Keith alone. I didn’t want to leave him alone anyway.
I watched as Danny walked into the room and looked around for us. His bluest eyes settling on me caused my heart to do a flip as it always did. Irritation grew in his expression as he approached our table and saw Keith sitting next to me. Keith was too lost in his thoughts to notice.
“Hi Danny. This is Keith. You didn’t get to meet him properly the other night.” I stood up to offer him a hug, but he didn’t notice. Too busy staring at Keith.
“Sorry about the other night. Just goofing off.” Keith said to him in the downbeat way he had been speaking in all day. I patted his arm.
Noise from the hallway distracted me from whatever was going between the two of them. I thought I heard my brother’s voice. His little curly head popped up in the doorway trailed by my parents and Carolina. I bound out of the chair leaving Danny and Keith behind.
Carolina wasn’t much taller than Anthony, and her hands were full with a large basket filled with European chocolates, and assorted snacks. She looked as if she were going to tip over. I didn’t know whether to help her or hug my brother, with great balance I did both.
“Anthony,” I threw my arms around him, and grabbed the basket with three fingers, hurting them a little, “I’ve missed you so much, and Dad thank you for the basket. You remembered those were my favorites.”
We had spent summers in France for as far back as I could remember and the little shop around the corner from our apartment in St. Germain was the only place I had ever seen these particular sweets. “Carolina…” I shouted and took a more somber tone with my mother, “Hi Mom...”
“Let me take that,” My father took the basket from my hand, “I told Antoine not to come back unless it was with your favorite truffles.” Antoine was his main designer. He spent most of his time flying back and forth. “You look beautiful Zelda. This rest was all you needed.”
“Thank you…” I answered questioningly and wondered if my father had always been so superficial.
“You do look beautiful, so clean and pretty.” Carolina said.
“Thank you…” The attention on my appearance made me uncomfortable, “I want you all to meet my friend Keith and Danny’s here too.”
I led our bustling group across the crowded room to my table by the window. There weren’t enough chairs. I rounded a few up from the tables with less visitors. By the time I sat down at our table introductions had already been made. I was so happy to se them. I hadn’t realized I missed my fractured family.
Danny and Keith had reached a truce. They spoke in animated way no differently than how Danny was his lacrosse friends. I was overjoyed to see Keith at ease again.
“Everything good here?” Carolina asked.
“Yes,” I said and straighter in my chair, “How’s your Mom?”
“You’ll get out before her. She’s been drinking her whole life. It’s hard for her to stop... But more importantly, what’s going on with you and Danny?” She whispered.
“I like that you think that’s more important. I think we’re just friends? He still has that awful girlfriend.” I whispered back which wasn’t polite but what was I going t
o do?
“He stares at you like when we were little. He’s talking to your Dad and keeps looking your way. You two will work it out.”
“I feel like a project for him, or a responsibility. I don’t know… He seems angry with me.”
“Don’t be silly. He’s been like this with you your whole life. He might not want to be with you but he feels the same way he always has. He’ll get past his anger… You really hurt him, and he can’t be mad at you because of -- ”
“I know but I don’t know how to fix that… I apologized… but I know that’s not enough…” It was too much to take in, “He always talks about that… How he always liked me. I don’t remember him. I mean I remember him, he’s lived down the street forever but… I don’t know…”
“It’ll work out, don’t worry about it… Focus on yourself. I think about my mom...I don’t want you to be like her in twenty-five years.”
“Why are you here?” Anthony shouted out from across the table, silencing our table and what felt to me like the whole room. Danny opened his mouth to answer for me, but I held up my hand to stop him.
“Hmmmm,” I muttered to myself, trying to find the appropriate words for a ten year old boy, “It’s like… I fell down and hit my head too hard, and everything I did to get back up again only made me it harder.” What I chose to say didn’t make much sense, but I was sure it was enough.
“Is that why you were so smelly and not pretty anymore? Is that why you drank all the liquor at the bar?” He asked.
“Yes” I replied with shock he had been aware of what I had been doing, but not my parents.
“You’re pretty again Zelda.” He said in a very satisfied way as if all were resolved and we could get back to living normally. I appreciated this point of view, but only from him.
“Straight talk.” Keith laughed and Danny looked like he was going to punch him, but instead he did the fist bump with him that all the boys I knew liked to do.
“Thank you, and I’m really sorry Anthony.”
“Zelda your mother and I are going to New York for the next two weeks.” My father interrupted, “We won’t be able to make the family counseling sessions. I’ve set them up for when we get back.”
“Fine, that’s fine.” Bullet dodged. I had been dreading the sessions with them. “You know what I miss most? Breakfast on Sunday morning.” I said more to change the subject, but as the words came out of mouth, I knew it was true. It had been so long since I had looked forward to anything.
“I look forward to making you that breakfast my baby girl.” My father looked as if he were going to cry. His sentimentality was so sweet that I didn’t even mention the patriarchy. He was my legitimate patriarchy, if he wants to call me his baby girl, fine.
“Zelda could I speak to you alone for a moment?” My mother who I had forgotten was at the table asked.
“Sure Mom.” I agreeably said, but didn’t feel it. I hadn’t said much to Danny in the visit, but I liked him sitting next to me, and didn’t want to be away from him for even a moment.
My mother stood up from the table with a forced smile and motioned me to follow her. She didn’t seem to know where she was going. We stumbled around the room in a half hazard way looking for a free table before I took over our quest and led us to a tiny table not far from the coffee machine. I really don’t know how she missed it on our first loop around the room.
I sat down at the table happy to see Danny in my direct line of vision. He was chatting in his quick friendly with Keith. I stared after them as a dreamy, I suppose happy feeling filled my chest. Carolina had been correct, he would glance my way every few moments.
“Zelda? I’m speaking to you…”
“Sorry Mom, my mind drifted...” I continued staring at Danny. He looked my way and smiled for a moment before turning back to Keith.
“I shouldn’t have named you Zelda...”
“What are you talking about?” I snapped my attention her way and laughed.
“I named you after Zelda Fitzgerald. So glamorous but I should have never named you after someone who spent most of their life in a mental hospital.”
“I like my name. Any name could have bad origins. Is this why you pulled me away from the table?” I stared back at Danny.
“I had you at such a young age... I had nannies take care of you. I should have… It’s my fault this happened.”
“It’s not anyone’s fault but my own… I mean it’s his fault. I don’t want to talk about it. Why is everyone blaming themselves?” I sighed in the most world weary way I could.
“I’m fifteen. I went to the beach. If you were home everyday baking cookies would you have not let me go to the beach?”
“I’ll never know.”
“Let it go. Asking me to lie wasn’t the best thing but I know you meant well.” I thought for a moment, “Mom I like it here. Even before that day I was always in a cloud. Everybody here says whatever’s on their mind any time they want. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I can be myself, not that I know what that is so much.”
“I want things to be different when you come home. We could do things together.”
“I would like that,” I said more for her benefit than mine, “Could we go back to the family table now?” I fidgeted, desperate to get back to my seat comfortably between Danny and Carolina
Visiting hours ended. They all went home. I asked Danny to come back and visit me the next day. He said yes. I put my nervous thoughts away happy to know that I would see him the next day. That would be enough.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Another long day spent waiting for her visiting hours. I willed myself to let go of my anger. I didn’t even know where it was coming from. I failed her, she hadn’t failed me I reminded myself throughout the day.
I felt pretty confident in my ability to control myself as I walked into the crowded visiting room. It came to a crash when I saw her sitting at the small table with Keith. I took a deep breath and released as I approached the two of them. Keith looked down and out. I hate to say it but that helped.
Zelda couldn’t have looked happier as she introduced us. I forced a smile and held out my hand to her new friend but before I could connect Zelda’s family and Carolina showed up. She ran across the room leaving the two of us behind.
“How you doing here Keith. Is it working out?” I sat down next to him asked in the friendliest way I could.
“Dude sorry about the sapphire vs. ocean. You know Zelda, she never stops talking and half the time it’s about you. She’s like my sister, I have to tease her sometimes.”
“That’s my girl, a talker.” What else was I suppose to say?
The boisterous group along with a huge basket of sweets sat down at our table. I wanted to punch myself for forgetting again to bring Zelda a gift, or at the very least a box of chocolates. Zelda scrambled around joyfully retrieving chairs from other tables before she sat down next to me.
The table was busy with conversation. Zelda’s father especially, with his booming heavily accented voice asking questions to Keith and myself. I appreciated it. The small talk took the edge off my mood. Zelda’s hand occasionally darting over mine as she spoke to Carolina didn’t hurt either.
I would have been happier to be alone with Zelda, talk to her, work out or even figure out the root of what was going on with us. But other than occasionally catching her mother’s eye it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t know how I was going to fix that situation. Me not regretting a single word I had said to her wasn’t helping matters.
At one point Anthony, the kid who never stopped talking but had been eerily quiet since he sat down at the table, shut down the table by asking Zelda was she was in the rehab. Protector and defender of all things Zelda, I opened my mouth to answer for her. She raised her hand signaling to me that she was okay to answer the question.
What she said to him wasn’t important. She wanted to reassure him that she was okay, and she did. She wasn’t fooling anyone with the
way she tried to demurely present herself. She was breath taking even at her worst. But the way she spoke to him, the confidence was a world away from how she had been before.
Her mother took her across the room to talk to her privately. She was maybe fifteen feet away from me, but it was too much. We hadn’t spoken for the entirety of the visit. I missed her fiercely anyway. And then visiting hours were over.
She walked us to the elevator and made me promise to come visit her the next day, with a panic as if that weren’t already my plan. She tried to shake my hand good-bye. I kissed her on the cheek and got in the elevator with her family and Carolina.
I knew I had to make things right with her mother. I didn’t have a clue about how to do that. It must have been weighing on her too because she spoke first. Luck was finally taking its rightful place in my life again.
“Danny I want to thank you for bringing Zelda’s problems to light. It was too close for us to see. I know you said a lot of things that you didn’t mean. Let’s put it behind us.” She held out her hand out as Zelda had done a moment before.
I mumbled some words and shook her hand without one regret of what I said to her that day in her kitchen. The elevator opened as our hands fell away. Carolina walked out with her head down in pace with the Moreau’s.
Not so fast Carolina, I thought to myself and called out, “Carolina, come with me. I’ll drive you home.” It was clear from her expression that she didn’t want me drive her home. “Come on you haven’t been in my car yet.”
“It’s okay Carolina. Go with Danny.” Mr. Moreau said.
Head still down, she silently followed me to my car. She looked as if she were about to say something as she adjusted her seatbelt, but clamped down and vacantly stared out the window instead. Whatever, I knew what I wanted to say.
“I want to find Spider.” I said to her as I put the key into the ignition.
“Let it go Danny.” She practically whispered.
“He needs to be in jail. Her mom should have called the police.” I tried to keep my tone casual as I backed out of the parking spot.