by Paloma Meir
“What was that Zelda?” My father asked as he cleared away the plates.
“I was asking mom to add the running to my calendar,”
“I’ll do that now.” My mother cheerfully said like a dutiful three-year old. My new life was going to take some getting used to.
“Maybe you can put the schedule on the refrigerator when you’re finished, right next to the Anthony’s turtle drawings.” That wasn’t nice of me to say, I shushed myself.
Danny left after breakfast. It was hard not to ask where he was going. I so much wanted him to stay. I questioned myself, asking myself why did I want him to stay. His presence by this point only unnerved me. The happiness I felt with him wasn't worth the pain that accompanied it.
I changed clothes after breakfast into an outfit not much different than what I had already been wearing, black leggings and an oversized white t-shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror making sure that nothing clung to me in a way that could be misconstrued. Satisfied with my modest appearance I went back to the kitchen where my father was hand washing his prized brass pots to tell him I would be taking the bus to Keith’s house.
He dried the pot gently with a linen towel and with a very proud expression on his face told me that he had gotten me a credit card in my own name. I was to use it for cabs, no more buses he very protectively said to me. He added with a wink that I could use anything else I wanted to use it for.
I had always had access to money, and he had never said no to anything I had wanted before. My room was stuffed, in a very organized fashion, with my drawing materials, books and knitting supplies. My closets were overflowing with clothes I would never have time enough to wear.
But this was special to him, for whatever reason, and so it was to me. Acceptance was the cornerstone of recovery they had told us at rehab. I gratefully accepted the way he chose to show his love.
…
Keith’s house was sprawling and new like Danny’s home. The original homes in Los Angeles and especially Beverly Hills had so much more style. I would never understand the mentality behind these generically gigantic houses.
He stood in the oversized archway entry into his home wearing pajamas, laughing as I walked the through the maze-like gardens to his house. I ran the final twenty yards and threw myself onto him, hugging him. I had missed him so much the last days of rehab.
He gave me a tour of his home, leading me from one highly decorated room to another; game rooms, family rooms, a kitchen the size of a restaurant. We ravenously ate chocolate pudding in his walk-in refrigerator. I did like the refrigerator and by the time he led me to his living room, I liked his entire house.
“Hey Zelda this is my best friend, other than you, Lenny.” Keith said as we entered the living room.
Lenny sat by the fireplace softly playing an acoustic guitar. The room was so large and he was so far away, I couldn’t place the song for a moment. “Strawberry Letter 23. That’s my favorite. Do you sing? Can you sing it?” I ran across the room that truthfully wasn’t any larger than my own living room at home, to the fireplace where he played.
Lenny was beautiful, long and lanky, skin a dark golden caramel color. He was taller than me even. He wore black leather pants and a black gauzy shirt with loose threads of gold. He sang the song more in the style of Shuggie Otis than the Brothers Johnson.
“Hey Zelda. Keith won’t stop talking about you. Thanks for helping out my friend.” He laid the guitar down on the hearth.
“He’s the one who helped me… Are you coming to the meeting with us?” I felt giddy in a way I had never felt before.
“I wasn’t going to but now that you’ve invited me, I think I will.” Had I invited him? Good on me.
“You should go get dressed Keith.” I said, “We’re not in rehab anymore.” I looked down at what I was wearing and felt so plain in comparison to Lenny. I thought of my low black snakeskin sandals and wished I had worn them.
Keith ran upstairs to change leaving Lenny and me alone downstairs. “This is your first day out? Are you feeling good?” He asked.
“Yes and yes. You weren’t part of Keith’s problem were you?” I shocked myself by asking, but he didn’t seem to mind my bluntness.
“No I watched that from far away. I cut him off. I thought that would stop him, tough love you know?”
“I’m sure that helped… and he’s okay now. You can stay friends with him.”
“Oh I can, Can I? Thank you.” His eyes sparkled when he laughed.
Keith came down the stairs wearing a skinny cut 60’s style vintage black suit, and his hair slicked back. He played with fashion and different looks the way I had always done before. I knew he would never know that side of me, but I wished that he could.
We parked in front of the old log cabin on Robertson Blvd where the meeting was held. It was larger than the ones at the rehab center, but still held the same intimate feeling. The day moved blissfully along to lunch at an outdoor café not far down the road. We chatted about all the things kids our age talked about. My shyness had faded away without much effort over the previous month. I closed my eyes towards the end of lunch in an effort to hold on to the feeling forever.
The sunshine beating down on me while we drove up the hill back to my house after so many days locked away was heavenly. I remember thinking the day was a perfect one. But it was not to be.
The perfection of it ended a half-mile down the road from my house. My attention was drawn to Danny’s car parked in front of Liza’s house. I glanced at her home for no more than a second, but the moment was too long. Danny and Liza were walking out of her house together.
My heart broke as I slunk down in my seat, not to hide but because I felt like something had died inside of me, as if my very heart had deflated, leaving nothing behind. Keith patted my shoulder in sympathy but I didn’t acknowledge it. I sat back up in my seat and forced a smile, willing my beautiful day back.
I was eager to get back home, the privacy of my room when we pulled up outside my house. I invited them in knowing I had spent enough time alone in my life. They couldn’t come in. Keith had to get back home to his family.
“You okay?” Keith asked.
“I’m fine…” And other than my broken heart I was fine, I realized and almost laughed, “How’s it going with your father?”
“He’s talking to me. I’ll let you know later. See you tomorrow?”
“Yes… and thanks for today,” I said to both of them, “Bye.”
“Wait, Zelda, what’s your number? I want to send you something.” Lenny asked. I gave him my number.
Chapter Forty-One
I sat on her front porch the day she came home to welcome her back. She practically jumped out of the moving car as they pulled into the driveway. She ran past me yelling out hello as she lugged her overstuffed bag on her shoulder. I wanted to help her with it, but she seemed like she was on a mission.
Her parents and I had a good laugh as they invited me in for breakfast. I had been counting on that invitation. Zelda, slightly out of breath, but calm was in the kitchen waiting for us. She was taking all the pots and pans out of the cupboards as if she were going to make us all breakfast.
Her father looked like he was going to have a stroke. He ruled that kitchen. He kindly let his favored daughter know he would be taking over. She looked a little relieved as she sat down at the table.
She was mouthy to her mom. She had never been that way before. It was funny, her mother trying to be mother of the year and Zelda sassing her. At one point she said to herself “Zelda move on”, I guess trying to get her mouth in check.
I wanted to spend the day with her but I had purposely made plans with Liza to give her some space to adjust being home. She mentioned wanting to jog. I told her I would take her running. She seemed pretty happy about that. We were friends. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I got. Hollow victory.
I drove down to Liza’s after breakfast and we went for a swim. She talked non-stop about
things that bored me, parties, who said what to whom. I challenged her to a race across the pool to quiet her idiotic conversation.
Zelda stayed on my mind. I imagined her in a bathing suit. It had been a cold fall and winter when we were together. She had always been bundled up. I thought of her little skirts and tiny tops that I wouldn’t see her wear.
I hit my head on the wall of the pool, blood in the water. I climbed out and told Liza that we should head up to Malibu. I needed to take my mind off of what wouldn’t be. Like that was going to happen.
We were loading up my car with towels when I heard a car speeding up the canyon with music blasting. There she was in the front seat of an old mint convertible. Keith sat in the back seat. He waved to me. Zelda up front, slouched down, her beautiful face pointing up to the sun.
The guy driving the car was pretty like her, with his dark hair flowing behind him. They looked right together. I thought of Isabella telling me that Zelda attracted the artsy boys. If I was going to judge him based on his looks, and that is what I was doing, that’s what he was.
She glanced my way but didn’t acknowledge me, not even an arm wave. They drove past. I was done. It was over. I looked over at Liza. It didn’t matter anymore if I was with Zelda or not. I couldn’t be with Liza. I would rather be alone. I had a lot of good friends. I didn’t need her as a crutch. I wanted Zelda back. If she wouldn’t be with me, I would be alone.
“Liza I’m sorry. I can’t be with you anymore. I’m hung up on Zelda. It’s not fair to you.”
“Oh please. She drives by with someone else and you’re dumping me? She’s a mess. You’re not thinking.”
“You don’t get it. I’m sorry. She’s on my mind all the time. That hasn’t changed... ever.”
“You want to be with that girl? That’s it then. When she does whatever shitty thing she's going to do to you I won’t be here. You’re both so selfish. All that drinking? She’s gross. Have fun with the crazy girl.”
“I’m sorry Liza.”
“Get out.” She screamed louder that Zelda had done that day a month before. I got into my car and drove the two blocks home relieved, free.
…
I went home and changed. I would take her for a run. I ran to the top of our canyon and back down to her house to calm myself down. I would get her back. I wouldn’t say ugly things to her anymore. I would be exactly what she wanted me to be.
At her door I was nervous, and I was never nervous. The fancy boy driving her home hung over me. She was changing, and I didn’t want to get thrown away with the past she was so rapidly shedding.
I rang the bell and waited. I knew she was home. Was she avoiding me? After a few minutes I rang it again pushing the buzzer longer than acceptable, still I waited. Was she done with me?
She opened up the door and stood arms crossed, looking me up and down, not inviting me in. She wasn’t as open with her expression as she was before, I couldn’t tell what was going on in her head.
“I thought we could start running today. I ran my main run so that I wouldn’t push you too hard for your first time.”
“You're always doing that.”
“Huh?” I had no idea what she was talking about.
“You sure you want to do this?”
“Yeah that’s why I came over. You okay Zelda?” I patted her head. She turned and walked back to her room.
She pulled things out of the drawers, throwing them on the floor. I guess she was looking for exercise clothes, but she seemed angry. She settled on some old leggings and a t-shirt.
She stripped down to change clothes, but it wasn’t like before. She was defiant. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to prove. I caught a glimpse of her before I turned my head away. Her body had filled out from the starved condition I had last seen her in, the fullness, her rounded hips and long legs. I was dying.
Her phone beeped. The ringer was on which was the most un-Zelda like thing in this whole new world of hers. Not knowing what else to do, I handed her the phone. She sat down next to me on the bed, still undressed. I twisted my hands.
She picked at the icons on her phone, finally clicking on a link in her texts. It opened to a video of the fancy boy who had driven her home singing the song she hummed the day I picked her up off the street and brought her back to my house. To this day I don’t know how I kept it together.
“I love that, don’t you?”
“Is that who you were in the car with earlier?”
“Yes.” She slipped her clothes on. I didn’t look away this time.
“You ready to go?” She asked.
I guided her through a series of stretches on the curb outside her house. She was limber and strong for someone who had spent the previous month sitting around and eating candy. Coming out of the last stretch we bumped heads. I reached out to rub her forehead. She shook my hand away.
We ran past the house with the roses her and Carolina had torn apart when they were little. The old couple was outside gardening. I told her the story of watching her pick the flowers. She kept running, didn’t say a word.
We passed the curve of the road where she had drawn the demon. I told her how I had sat in the bushes wanting to jump out and save her from the cars. She looked a little winded and stopped running.
“You were quite the boy scout, weren’t you? How long ago was that?”
I put my arm around and tried to put my thoughts into words. She shook me off again.
“Why did you do that?” I asked
“That’s an open ended question. Which one of my mistakes are you referring to?”
"Zelda..."
“Trying to protect me from angry old people… and cars. I wasn’t scared of those things…” She paced back and forth in little circles, patting her chest. I reached out to calm her. She pushed me away.
“What would the old people have done? Told my parents I was ripping out their garden? As if I’ve ever gotten in trouble for anything… And the cars? I could hear them when they drove by. I wasn’t deaf.”
“That wasn’t what I meant.” I stammered for the first time in my life.
“I was lonely, shunned by the meanest people. Until I met Carolina I always felt so alone… even with her sometimes. But then I met you… the bad thing happened… and now you just make me sad…”
I grabbed her and held tight. She squirmed out from under my arms, flailing, enraged. She sacred me, and nobody scares me.
“Stop you can’t have things the way you want them . You’re here, you’re there..." She pointed down the road, "I know you’re trying to help but I’m heartbroken. And I do know everything about you. I always listened... even before the rehab. I know where your parents went to college and how they met. The scar on your knee is from falling off the roof when your parents built that monster of a house. I know your favorite foods, everything. How important your friends are to you. But the details weren’t important. It was you who meant everything to me, not the chronological events of your life ”
She stormed off in the direction of Serge and Carolina’s house.
“Are you releasing me again?” I yelled out to her, “You want me around as much as I want you around. This is all I’ve have for you right now.”
“I’m releasing myself.” She turned and bounded back to me and squeezed my face while forcefully kissing me. Before I could even put my arms around her she pushed away from her and stormed back up the road. Of course she didn’t look back.
I sat on the curb waiting for her to come back outside, stunned by how badly I had failed to get her back. She wasn’t coming out. I walked back home.
Chapter Forty-Two
I opened the door to Carolina’s house without bothering to knock. Mrs. Richmond stood before me in the entryway. She had put on some weight and had regained the glow in her face I hadn’t seen since I first met her as a child.
“Zelda how nice to see you. Carolina’s not home right now. Come join me on the patio for some... water, or maybe you prefer
juice?"
This was the last thing I wanted to do. I needed to tell Carolina the story of my heartbreak. I didn't see a way to decline her invitation of a non-alcoholic beverage. I followed her outside to their backyard that looked out over the canyon.
She brought a carafe of orange juice and a basket of scones outside as I sat wishing I were anywhere else. I didn’t know what to say to this woman who had spent her life torturing my best friend. I had never been alone with her before.
“So Zelda I understand that we share a love of booze. No surprise there. I had always seen a kindred spirit in you.” She sat down at the table and delicately placed the napkin on her newly plump lap.
“Not to be disrespectful Mrs. Richmond but not a day in my life have I ever been cruel as you.” I covered my mouth in shock as surprised as her by my choice of words.
“Point taken Zelda...” The sternness of her expression settled into a pleasant smile, “Let me start over. I meant the lost look in your eyes. I never knew how it would turn out for you. I worried that you would get lost in your relationships, like with my Carolina. You followed her every action. You read like her and tried so hard to speak with her clipped diction. I worried you would never learn who you were.”
“You misread our relationship. We took care of each other Mrs. Richmond. I would appreciate if you didn’t try to cast your ugly ideas onto us.”
“Zelda you’re so used to me belittling you that you’re not hearing me. My poison is gone. I’m trying to thank you for being there for my daughter. I’m saying your vulnerability touched me. Did I hide that by mocking your intelligence? Yes, In my sickness I wanted you to wake up, stand up for yourself. I wanted you to be the way you are right now with me.”
“You know what I’ve learned in the past month? Apologies don’t help.” I paused to contemplate whether that was true, “Thank you anyway though. It’s a start. What are you going to do about your relationship with Carolina? That bus may have driven off.”