by Jack Dey
“So you never found your birth mum?” Becky peered across at Smiley, repeating her question to make sure she understood.
Smiley shook his head slowly, “There are many reasons why mothers give up their children, Becky. Underaged pregnancies, rape, incest, health, parental pressure, child’s gender, colour of the eyes... at least I wasn’t aborted.”
Becky swallowed hard and glanced down, trying to figure out her own emotions. “So, how have you coped not knowing?"
“Well, I could’ve saved a large chunk of my life if the authorities had cooperated. They just make things difficult for the child to find their blood, so to speak and it is worse if the mother doesn’t want to be found. In the end, I had to forgive my adoptive mother for hiding the truth from me and to be honest, I wasted so many years being angry with her and all she wanted was to love me and protect me. I should’ve just revelled in the love that she had in buckets for me. She’s a beautiful woman and I am afraid I hurt her badly," Smiley sighed regrettably.
"Anyway, once I calmed down and saw things from her perspective, I understood the reasons behind her choice, albeit a poor one. She wanted a child so badly and couldn’t get pregnant. You’ve gotta understand, Becky, the authorities put prospective adoptive parents through the ringer, invading every part of their privacy. They have to jump through a myriad of bureaucratic hoops just to get approval to go on a waiting list and my adoptive parents were fast approaching forty so she was worried the authorities wouldn’t give her a child after that, thinking she would be too old. Anyway, after another three years of wondering and lost hope, she got a phone call telling her a baby had become available and did she want it. She was forty-one when the call came so you can imagine... she refused.”
Becky was stunned, not expecting Smiley’s remark. “What?!”
“Sorry, just checking to see if you are still awake. My mum was so excited the day she brought me home and I grew up loved and content, believing my name had always been Smiley Williams. Until that awful day when it came out and my world crumbled.”
“Yeah, I know; tell me about it,” Becky’s voice cracked with emotion.
Smiley continued, “Mum was so afraid that someone would knock on her door and demand she give back her child and I guess that was a fear she lived with all my life." Smiley paused, recalling the past and ordering his words. "Then someone opened my eyes to the fact my adoptive mum didn’t have to love me and wake up every couple of hours to prepare a bottle and feed me or change my dirty diapers every hour. She didn’t have to send me to school and encourage me to be her bright little Smiley or worry herself senseless when I had a fever or I was sick. She didn’t have to lie awake half the night until I came home and fell safely into bed, or sacrifice to send me to college when she could have bought another more fashionable home and had a comfortable retirement. When I finally came to terms with the love and selflessness of my adoptive mother and the fact that she wanted me so much, that she would hide me to keep me... and that my birth mother didn’t want me at all, my perspective changed dramatically.”
Becky searched the ground in front of her feet for a long moment, grateful for Smiley’s guidance and insight. She’d only seen things from her point of view and feelings, and hadn’t even considered her mother’s perspective. Becky sighed heavily, hoping Smiley could cast more light on her pain from his experiences. “I guess there is a reason why my birth mother gave me up.”
Smiley glanced sideways at the young woman, noticing her pregnant outline. “You may be one of the lucky ones who learns the truth or gets to meet your birth mother, but you have to be prepared for anything, Becky. Most of all, don’t do what I did and burn the bridge out from under the people who have loved you as their own and are worried sick about you right now.”
Becky pulled the piece of paper out of her jeans pocket and peered down at the document, with the name of the hospital standing out under the heavily underlined text. “It doesn’t seem so threatening, now I have listened to you and your journey, Smiley.”
Smiley grinned and offered his advice. “Well, we’re about halfway to Landon County Hospital here and you may find your answer there or you may just find a ghost. It may be something worth looking for or it may just drive a stake into your heart, but I advise you finish this part of the journey and if you want, I’ll go with you. I suspect you’ll come to a dead end at the hospital and if so, I suggest to postpone your search and go back to the people who are your life. Over time, you may find out more about your blood, but don’t sacrifice the ones who truly love you, in the meantime.”
Smiley reached into his pocket and drew out his phone, noticing it was close to midnight. Punching in a number, he pushed the call button and waited. In the quiet late hour, Becky could hear it ringing and when it connected, a frantic male voice answered.
“G’day, Brett, it’s Smiley.”
Immediately, Smiley could hear the deflated tone. “Just hang on a minute, I’ve got someone here who wants to talk to you.”
Smiley handed the phone to Becky and as she gratefully accepted Smiley’s offering, she spoke softly to the distraught man she loved.
As Smiley walked away, he could hear Brett crying loudly, sobbing in relief.
*~*~*~*
Chapter 31
By the time Becky had finished talking to Brett, it was well after 3 am and she was feeling buoyed, positive and deeper in love with her wonderful man. Walking over to her room against the silent late night backdrop, she found Smiley asleep in a chair on the motel’s verandah outside his room, next door to hers. The surrounding night was so quiet her whisper sounded like a shout.
“Smiley.”
Smiley stirred, grinned and sat up in the chair as Becky handed his phone back.
“Brett okay?”
“Yes, things are back on track, thanks to you. We owe you a lot, Smiley. Thank you.”
Smiley beamed. “I hope you put in a good word for me with the boss about going AWOL."
“Brett said he will cover all your expenses and time. He just wants us to get back as soon as we’ve been to the records department in Landon.”
“Okay, we'd better get some sleep then. Tomorrow will be a big day,” Smiley stood unsteadily, but then a concerned expression crossed his face and Becky noticed. “Jacqui doesn’t know where I am and if she finds out I am here with you, I could be in a lot of trouble.”
Becky giggled quietly. “Brett has already thought of that one and will tell her the truth in the morning.”
Smiley relaxed at the news, knowing Brett was good at explaining things to suspicious women without making it worse, “Night, Mrs Boss,” and then closed the door to his room.
“Night, Smiley, and thanks again,” Becky’s voice was full of hope as she pulled the door to her room closed.
*~*~*~*
Too tired to sleep between the sheets, Smiley had dropped like a bag of spuds onto the bed and there he’d fallen asleep, but it seemed no sooner had he closed his eyes, the morning sun had streamed past the curtains and turned his room into a furnace. As he glanced around the scene trying to reorient the situation, he heard the sound of a woman’s muffled voice and he guessed Becky was talking on her phone in the room next door. The walls were paper thin and he hoped he hadn’t kept Becky awake with his snoring; and just as he placed his feet onto the floor, he heard her say, “I will... I love you too, very much and have a nice day at work, honey.”
Just as Smiley overheard the fond sounds of two people deeply in love, he remembered Jacqui’s words from yesterday and how they’d almost derailed his whole plan, knocking the wind from his sails. You haven’t even asked me to marry you yet and you are already ordering me around. Reaching for his phone and needing to hear her voice, Smiley plucked up the courage to call Jacqui and desperately wanted to ask her if she'd meant what she'd said; but he knew she would ask where he was and then the familiar nerves got in the way and he thought better of it.
Checking his watch and calling
through the wall, Smiley urged Becky to make a start and before long they had gathered at her car, stowing their gear and ready for the journey to Landon. Taking the room keys back to reception, Smiley made arrangements with the motel owners to leave his car in the car park for a couple of days until they’d finished their business in Landon, while Becky waited on the reception driveway with the engine running.
Arriving at the car window with his hands full of hot coffee in two plastic cups, plastic wrapped sweet buns clasped between straining fingers and a couple of rounds of sandwiches protruding untidily from a shirt pocket, Smiley balanced the load as Becky leaned over and pushed the passenger door open. Once Smiley had wriggled into his seat and buckled up, still balancing the coffee, Becky gently pushed her foot down on the accelerator, coaxing the grey Kia to negotiate the town limits before swiftly gaining speed on the open highway.
Once they’d reached a comfortable highway speed and Trinity Waters languished in the rear view mirror, Becky broke the silence with a mind full of questions. “What do you think your greatest setback was in your experiences looking for your birth mother, Smiley?” Becky waited eagerly, wringing the steering wheel nervously with her hands as she asked. She had an expectation of his reply, anticipating him to say something about being wounded by rejection, however his answer surprised her.
Concentrating on the bitumen blurring past his window, Smiley took a sip of his coffee, weighing his thoughts carefully. “I would have to say... fear of intimacy,” Smiley appeared vulnerable.
“Fear of intimacy?!” Becky quizzed.
“Yep, not getting close to someone for fear of losing them. I love Jacqui with all my heart and want to marry her, and I know that longsuffering girl loves me, too. Silly woman. Every time I work up the nerve to ask her, my fear gets in the way and the moment passes.” Smiley’s quandary seemed impossible.
“You attribute that to looking for your birth mother?” Becky sounded suspicious.
Smiley sighed. “It sounds weird, I know, but I wasn’t like that before... as far as I know.”
Becky’s eyes sparkled hearing Smiley’s confession. Jacqui’s feelings for Smiley were well known among the newspaper people and if he would only pluck up the courage, she would marry him on the spot. “Well, Smiley, you made me see reason last night and showed me how to face the truth. So when we get back, I am going to stand right beside you until you make that confession to Jacqui.”
Smiley shifted uncomfortably in his seat listening to Becky’s determination, deep in thought. What if she says no...? What if she says yes?! Smiley remembered the state of his apartment, thinking about the mess and wondered whether any woman, no matter how noble they were, could put up with his laid back attitude.
*~*~*~*
Jacqui waved at Brett as he skipped down the apartment steps, immediately noticing his light and cheery attitude as he walked up to her small car and opened the door.
“You found her!” Jacqui sang.
Brett’s beaming smile gave away his joy. “Is it that noticeable, Jacqui?” his relieved demeanour totally contrasted the pain she’d seen him suffering the previous afternoon.
“Oh, Brett! I am so happy for you,” Jacqui gestured happily. “So what happened... if you are at liberty to say?”
“Okay. Promise me you won’t interrupt until I have finished talking.”
Jacqui seemed confused but reluctantly agreed, shifting the car into gear and starting for the newspaper office.
“Well, Smiley found her.”
Jacqui’s mouth dropped open and she stared at her boss in shock, about to ask a thousand questions but she refrained, remembering her promise. By the time Brett had finished explaining the connection, Jacqui had parked her little car underneath the newspaper building and they were walking into the newspaper office.
Jacqui’s clear expression revealed she’d put together the dots and now a lot of things were making sense, but the fact that Smiley was gallivanting around the country with the boss' wife of all people was concern enough. That fact alone would have been enough to put Smiley in the dog house for a few thousand years, but when she heard news of Smiley’s adoption, it pulled at her heart strings. Then her heart melted completely when she realised what Smiley had done for Becky and Brett. The man she loved was kind and compassionate, putting his job and his own well-being in jeopardy just to lend a hand and minimise someone else’s pain. Wiping away a small tear with the back of her hand, Jacqui pleaded, “When will they be back?”
Brett sighed at the extended separation. “End of the week.”
*~*~*~*
Taking it in turns at driving, Smiley and Becky had travelled all day, stopping only to get fuel. They’d made good time, setting a cracking pace and when the small city limits of Landon appeared over the next hill, it was approaching 3 pm.
As Becky took her turn at driving, joining with the small city traffic flow, Smiley pointed to a sign as it quickly passed by. “There, Becky, Landon County Hospital. Turn around!”
Becky’s stomach tightened as she found a small intersection to do a U-turn and soon the driveway to the hospital car park came back into view. Indicating her intention to drive in from the street with the turn signal flashing, Becky eyed the old structure as she parked the car, noticing the hospital looked tired and dilapidated from the outside. Stiffly unwinding themselves from the grey Kia’s interior, they studied the signs and swiftly found the hospital entry.
Once inside, a maze of clinical corridors met their stares and after asking a patient in a wheelchair for directions, they stood impatiently in front of the help desk. Standing and waiting for an elderly lady to finish a call, Smiley wasted no time firing his question once the telephone left her ear.
“Where can we find the hospital administration records of births and deaths?” Smiley enquired through a glass window.
“First floor, top of the stairs and turn right.”
“Thanks,” Smiley threw his answer over his shoulder as they ran up the stairs.
When Becky and Smiley followed the instructions and eventually arrived at the office counter, the room was unattended. Searching furiously for someone to help, a nearby door—exposing rows of filing cabinets—opened and a tall, slender woman about sixty drifted in.
“Yes, how may I help you?” the woman called, pushing up a pair of highly magnified glasses onto the bridge of her nose.
Smiley motioned for Becky to speak.
“I was born in this hospital twenty-eight years ago and I would like to see my birth records, please,” Becky nervously pleaded.
“What name?”
“My name is Rebecca Redden, but I don’t know what my birth mother's name is.”
The woman eyed the couple. “I can’t let you sight the records unless you give me a name!”
Becky sighed heavily until Smiley placed his hand on her shoulder, calming her growing frustration. Glancing to Smiley and nodding she’d understood, she steadied her voice. “I was born on the 12th of June 1986,” Becky countered, “if that will help?”
“I am sorry, I can’t let you have access to records... unless you give me a name.”
Smiley broke in, holding the determined woman’s gaze, “Can you at least tell us if there were any baby girls born on that day then?”
She conceded to have a look, while Smiley watched her enter the back area and search down the rows, finally extracting a file. Studying the information and taking a mental note, the woman replaced the file and then returned to the counter. “There were five girls born that day,” the matter-of-fact voice declared, but refused to offer anything more.
“Dalia?!” a voice called from a side door. “Can you give me a hand for a couple of minutes, please?”
The old woman called out, “Be right there,” then turned to Becky and Smiley. “I am sorry. I will be back in a moment.”
Smiley watched the old woman leave, then jumped the counter.
“Smiley, what are you doing?!” Becky whispered n
ervously, watching the door for the woman’s approach.
“Don’t worry, Becky. I have done this before and trust me, they won’t help you otherwise.”
Becky nervously watched the door, trembling, her heart pounding as Smiley searched for the document where he’d seen her fossicking just moments before and then placed the file onto the photocopier and began copying the document.
“She’s coming, Smiley!”
Smiley ran around the back of the rows and tossed the file back into its opening and jumped the counter, just in time for the door to open and the woman to step back in.
“As I said, I cannot help you any further unless you give me a name or apply for a court order.”
“Okay, thank you for the help you did give us,” Smiley answered, holding his stomach as he turned to leave.
Becky kept looking behind her, waiting for the police to come and take them away.
“Don’t worry, Becky. I’ll take the rap if the police come looking for us.”
Moments later sitting safely in the car, Smiley pulled the document from under his t-shirt, confirming the date at the top of the folder and began searching the information. With Becky peering anxiously over Smiley’s arm, he began to recite the information for her. “There were indeed five girls born that day as the old lady said. The first one is a Jillian Ryde; the second, Evelyn Brown and she has identity confidential next to her; then Stacey Charles; Madeline Graham and lastly, Lisa Cummings and she too has identity confidential next to hers.”
With Becky watching closely and her cheeks glowing red, Smiley pulled out his phone and connected to the internet. A search engine icon appeared and he punched the names and location of each woman into the search. Jillian Ryde and Stacey Charles were black ladies. So that narrowed it to three. After a frustrating hour drawing dead ends, they were left with three possibilities: Evelyn Brown, Madeline Graham and Lisa Cummings.
“Well, Becky, it would appear that one of these women is your birth mother and I would guess it’s either Evelyn Brown or Lisa Cummings," Smiley handed the paper to Becky and watched the crumpled expression mingle with frustrated tears. “Don’t give up, Becky. You never know when a lead will come. It may be from the weirdest place and when you least expect it.”