by Irene Hannon
With an effort, Eric released Kate’s gaze and smiled down at the little girl. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone quite so anxious to go to church,” he teased. “God will be very happy.”
“I just want to show Aunt Anna my new dress. Mommy bought it for me this summer and we were saving it for a special occasion.”
Kate liked the deep, rich sound of the chuckle that rumbled out of Eric’s chest. “Well, we won’t tell God that’s the reason you want to hurry. We wouldn’t want to hurt His feelings.”
“I want to go to church, too,” Sarah assured him. “I like the singing.”
“I’ll walk out to the car with you,” Kate said. “I’d like to say hello to Anna.”
The two women exchanged a few words while Eric settled Sarah in the back seat, then he rejoined them.
“You’re sure you won’t come to breakfast, Kate?” Anna asked.
“Maybe another time. But thank you.”
“I’ll see you back to your door,” Eric told her.
She looked at him in surprise. “That’s really not necessary.”
“Yes, it is. I have something I want to ask you.”
He fell into step beside her, and she looked up at him curiously. “Is there a problem?”
He smiled ruefully. “That depends on how you look at it, I guess. I have another favor to ask, and I’d like you to consider it while we’re at church.” He reached up and adjusted his tie, and Kate would have sworn he was nervous. “In addition to my job, I’m on the board of several local health-related organizations. As Mom told you, I have a tendency to slightly overextend myself,” he admitted wryly.
She smiled. “I think her exact words were that it’s harder for you to say no to a good cause than for a gopher to stop digging holes.”
He chuckled, and a pleasing crinkle of lines appeared at the corners of his eyes. “That sounds like Mom. Anyway, next Saturday night there’s a black-tie dinner dance that’s the culmination of the annual fund-raising drive for one of the organizations. Usually I try to avoid these things, but I can’t get out of this one. I could go alone, but to be honest, it always feels a little awkward.” They reached her door, and he turned toward her. “So I wondered if you might go with me. Will you think about it while we’re at church, Kate?”
She gazed up into his clear blue eyes, and for a moment she felt as if she were basking in the warmth of the summer sun under a cloudless sky. It was a good feeling—one that had been absent from her life for a long time. But it also made her nervous. She dropped her gaze, unsure how to answer. Something told her she should say no immediately. But she didn’t want to hurt Eric’s feelings. He had gone out of his way to be kind to her and Sarah. And besides, she had enjoyed their time together the evening before.
“Kate?”
She looked back up at him, took a deep breath and suddenly decided to follow her heart. “All right, Eric. I’ll think about it,” she agreed.
She was rewarded with a smile that lit up his face and made his eyes glow. A person could get lost in those eyes, she thought, mesmerized by their warmth. “Thanks, Kate. And don’t work too hard while we’re gone.”
“N-no, I won’t. See you later,” she said breathlessly, then quickly slipped inside.
For a long time after he left, Kate stood with her back braced against the front door, trying to reconcile her conflicting emotions. She felt more alive than she had in years—but she was also troubled. And she knew why. Her gaze strayed to her wedding picture, and she tenderly traced the contours of Jack’s dear, familiar face. Her love for him was as strong now as it had been on that day nearly eleven years before when they’d been joined as man and wife. It had not diminished one iota.
But other things had, she thought sadly, tears welling in her eyes. Certain images and sensory memories were slowly slipping away, despite her desperate efforts to hold on to them. The funny, dismayed face Jack always made whenever she served carrots. The deep timbre of his voice during their intimate moments. The feel of his freshly-shaved skin beneath her fingertips. The distinctive, woodsy scent of his after-shave. The way he always tilted his head as he cut the grass.
All of those things were fading, like an old photograph in which all that remained were vague outlines of images that had once been sharp and clear and vibrant. Soon she would only be able to remember the fact that those things had once been special, not the unique qualities that made them so. She was losing Jack, bit by bit, day by day, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. The sense of distance and the ebbing of memories had accelerated in the last few months, she realized, and it left her with a sick, hollow, helpless feeling that seemed destined to plague her well into the foreseeable future.
And then, out of the blue, Eric Carlson had stepped into her life. With him, she didn’t feel as hopeless and depressed. In fact, he made her feel things she’d never expected to feel again—attractive, womanly, cared for. He’d awakened in her needs that she had suppressed for five long years; needs she’d thought were forever locked within the cold recesses of her heart. Slowly, under the warmth of his gaze, those needs were beginning to thaw. And that scared her. After all, she was a lonely widow. He was a handsome divorced man. Even if the widow was still in love with her husband and the divorced man still felt married, it just didn’t seem like a safe combination.
Kate wasn’t sure what to do. But she knew whom to call for advice. And she intended to place that call just as soon as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
“Kate? What’s wrong? I thought it was my turn to call you this Sunday.”
“Nothing’s wrong, Amy. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she apologized quickly, dismayed by the alarm in her sister’s voice. “I just had some free time and thought I’d call you first, that’s all.”
“Thank God! I didn’t mean to overreact, but—”
“That’s okay. You have good reason. My unexpected phone calls haven’t always been exactly uplifting.”
“Yeah, well, hopefully those days are over. So what’s the occasion? It’s not my birthday or anything. How come you’re springing for this Sunday’s call?”
“Can’t I be generous once in a while?”
“Look, neither of us can afford to be generous. Why don’t I call you back tonight, as usual? It is my turn. Every other week, remember?”
“I remember. But I just wanted to talk. Unless… Are you getting ready for church?”
“Nope. Cal pulled a midnight shift at the park last night and is sleeping in. We’re going to the second service. So I’ve got the time. But you haven’t got the money.”
“Will you quit with the money thing?”
“I’d like to. But neither of us can afford to treat money lightly—no pun intended. Just consider the facts. You’re a single working mother with huge medical debts. I have three kids, my husband makes his living dressed like Smokey the Bear, we live in a log cabin and I make quilts to keep the wolf from the door. Case closed.”
That wasn’t quite the whole story, but Kate let it pass with a smile. “You forgot one thing.”
“What?”
“You love every minute of your life.”
Kate heard her sister’s contented sigh. “Yeah, I do. But we’ll never have money to spare. I’m always sorry we couldn’t do more to help you, Kate.”
“You did the most important thing, Amy. You were there. You and Mom. That was worth more than gold.”
“Still, gold comes in handy sometimes. Speaking of which—how are you doing with the bills?”
“Okay. I pay off a little every month. I figure at this rate I’ll be free and clear about the time I’m ready to retire.” She tried for a light tone, but didn’t quite pull it off.
“You know, Kate, sometimes I think that… Well, I’ve never said this before, but…but since things turned out the way they did, it almost would have been better if—well—if Jack hadn’t…” Amy’s voice trailed off.
“I’ve thought about that, too,” Kate admitt
ed slowly. “But at the time I was just grateful he survived the accident.” She paused and took a deep breath, determined not to dwell on what might have been. She needed Amy’s advice about the future, not about the past. “Actually, in a roundabout way, that’s one of the reasons I called today. You’ll never believe this coincidence, but the doctor who saved Eric’s life at the accident scene is Sarah’s new pediatrician.”
“No kidding? That’s weird! Did he recognize you?”
“Uh-huh. Even before I recognized him. As a matter of fact, his mother is watching Sarah for me while I teach.”
“How in the world did you arrange that?”
“I didn’t. He did.” Kate explained, ending with Eric’s offer to take Sarah to church each Sunday.
“Wow! I doubt whether my pediatrician, nice as she is, would ever take such a personal interest in my kids,” Amy commented, clearly impressed.
“I’ve been really lucky,” Kate acknowledged. “But I do have a sort of…dilemma.”
“So tell me about it.”
In halting phrases, Kate told Amy about Eric’s marital situation, their evening together and his second invitation.
“So I honestly don’t know what to do,” she admitted at the end.
As usual, Amy honed right in on the key question. “Well, do you want to go?”
Kate frowned. “I—I think so. I like him, and we had a really good time. But when I’m with him I…I feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. And then I feel guilty.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” Amy declared firmly. “You’re a healthy young woman who’s been living in an emotional cave for way too long. Why shouldn’t you go out and have a good time?”
“You know why.”
“Because of Jack.”
“I still love him, Amy. I still feel married. It just doesn’t seem right, somehow, to go out with another man. Even one who’s not interested in romance.”
There was silence for a brief moment before Amy spoke. “Can I tell you something, Kate?”
“Why do I have the feeling you will anyway, even if I say no?”
“Because you know me too well,” Amy replied pertly. Then her voice grew more serious. “Look, I’ll just say this straight out, okay? I know you loved Jack. And I know why. He was a great guy. We all loved him. And we all still miss him. We always will. As his wife, I know you feel the loss more intensely than any of us can even imagine. When I think of life without Cal… Well, it makes me understand in a very small way the pain you’ve had to deal with. But Jack wouldn’t want you to go through the rest of your life without ever really living again, Kate. And part of living is loving. I know you have Sarah. But I’m not talking about that kind of love. You’re the kind of woman who blossoms when she’s loved by the right man. That’s not to say you’re not strong or capable or independent. You’re all of those things, and you’ve proved it over and over again these past five years. But don’t close yourself off to life—and love—because of a misplaced sense of obligation or guilt. Jack wouldn’t want that, and deep in your heart you know that. Nothing can ever take away the memory of the special love you two shared. That’s yours forever. But maybe it’s time to start making some new memories.”
For a long moment there was silence. Sometimes Kate felt that Amy, though two years younger, was really the older of the two. She was so solid, so grounded, so blessed with common sense and the ability to quickly analyze a situation and offer valuable insight. People didn’t always like what Amy said. But they could rarely deny the truth of her words.
“Kate?” Amy said worriedly. “Are you still there? Look, I’m sorry if I overstepped, but—”
“It’s okay,” Kate interrupted. “Actually, I think you’re right in a lot of ways. It’s just that… Well, it’s not easy to let go.”
“I know, hon,” Amy murmured sympathetically. “But you’re going to have to let go before you can really get on with your life.”
Kate played with the phone cord. “Jack’s kind of slipping away anyway, you know?” Her voice broke on the last word.
“Oh, Kate, I wish I was there right now to give you a hug!”
“Yeah, so do I.”
“You know, maybe this slipping away is Jack’s—and the Lord’s—way of telling you it’s time to move on.”
“Maybe. But… I don’t know. I guess I’m just scared, Amy.”
“That’s okay. That’s normal. But don’t let fear stop you. It’s like that old saying about ships. They may be safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re built for. I think it’s time for you to set sail, Kate.”
“How come you always know the right thing to say?” Kate asked, smiling mistily as she swiped at her eyes.
Amy chuckled. “My kids wouldn’t agree with that.”
“They will when they get older. Listen, thanks, okay? I feel a lot better.”
“So are you going with Eric?”
“I guess so. But don’t start getting any romantic ideas. I told you, he’s not in the market.”
“That’s okay. At least he’ll get you back into circulation, introduce you to some new people. That’s a start. And I’ll want a full report next Sunday. Except I’ll call you. Agreed?”
“Agreed.”
“So, you’ve been holding out on your old pal all this time.”
Eric glanced up from the chart he was reading. Frank was lounging against the door of his office, arms folded, one ankle crossed over the other, his accusatory tone tempered by the twinkle in his eyes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” As if he didn’t know. He’d been waiting all afternoon for Frank to pounce and demand details about Eric’s date.
“You know very well what I mean. Here I think you’re a miserable, lonely, driven man desperately in need of female companionship and then you show up with a babe like Kate. Boy, you had me fooled! Where have you been hiding her all this time?”
“I haven’t been ‘hiding’ her anywhere. And I’m not sure she’d appreciate the term ‘babe,’ even though I know you mean it in an entirely flattering way. How about if we just refer to her as the Queen of Lawn Darts?”
Frank grimaced. “Ouch! You would have to bring that up. I just had an off night. So…” He ambled over and perched on the edge of Eric’s desk, not about to be distracted. “Tell me everything. Where did you meet this goddess? And how serious are you two?”
“We’re just friends, Frank. That’s it.”
His partner gave a skeptical snort. “Yeah. Like Ma Barker was just a sweet old lady.”
“I’m serious.”
“You expect me to buy that after the way you were looking at her all night?”
Eric sent him a startled look. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, come on, man. You hung on her every word. You made it a point to keep tabs on her whenever you were apart—which wasn’t often. And you have that look in your eye.”
“What look?”
“Smitten. Enamored. Head over heels. Is that descriptive enough?”
Eric frowned. “You’re crazy.”
“Uh-uh. I know that look. Had it once myself. Still do sometimes, in fact.”
“Well, with all due respect to your powers of perception, you’re way off base this time, pal.”
Frank tilted his head and considered his friend thoughtfully for a moment. Then he grinned and stood. “Good try. But no sale. However, I get the message—butt out. Okay, that’s fine, don’t bare your soul to me, even though I’m your best friend in the world. I can read a No Trespassing sign when I see one.” He ambled to the door and disappeared into the hall, but a moment later he stuck his head back inside and grinned. “But I don’t pay any attention to signs. I’ll wear you down eventually, you know. In the meantime, don’t worry, buddy. Your secret’s safe with me.”
Eric stared at the doorway, then frowned and leaned back in his chair, absently playing with his pen. Frank might be a bit outspoken and on the boisterous side, but his powers of per
ception were keen. Usually he nailed a person’s personality within five minutes of meeting him or her. He was even more intuitive about friends and associates. Sometimes it was almost scary.
Like right now.
Eric’s frown deepened. Was Frank overreacting? Or had he seen something Eric had overlooked? There was no question that he liked Kate. And he had carried a memory of her in his mind for more than five years—but only because he’d been struck by her beauty and obvious love for her husband. Her transparent devotion had made a tremendous impact on him in light of his own disintegrating marriage. But he hardly knew her. They’d only gone out once, had spent barely four hours in each other’s company socially. And it hadn’t even been a real date.
And yet… Eric couldn’t deny that there was at least a kernel of truth in Frank’s assessment. He was attracted to Kate. To her beauty, certainly, but even more to her person, to who she was, to her essence. Attracted enough to want to get to know her better. And that wasn’t good. Because Eric truly believed that in the sight of God he was still married. Through the years he’d never had any trouble remembering that, though countless women had made it clear they were available if he was interested. But he hadn’t been. Until now.
Eric reached up with one hand and wearily massaged his temples. He wasn’t going to compromise his values by allowing himself to get involved with Kate romantically, even if the lady was willing. Which she wasn’t. It was obvious that her late husband had never relinquished his claim on her heart. And even if he was free—which he wasn’t—getting involved with someone whose heart belonged to another was a recipe for disaster.
Besides, medicine and marriage didn’t mix. He’d learned that the hard way. And he’d better not forget it.
Asking Kate to the dinner had probably been a mistake, Eric conceded with a sigh as he pulled the next chart toward him and flipped it open. But he couldn’t retract the invitation now. All he could do was make sure it was the last one. Keeping their contact to a minimum was clearly the right thing to do—for everyone’s sake.
But if that was true, why did it feel so wrong?