by Lisa Durkin
After an hour or so, she rose to take a break. She walked around the main floor. In addition to the master suite and other rooms, there was a study and nicely equipped workout room that she intended to take advantage of. There was a large laundry room and separate media room with big-screen TV. Rory was impressed. This made her house look like a thimble.
She wandered upstairs. There were four bedrooms with attached bathrooms. They all opened to a sitting room with overstuffed sofas, another big-screen television and game consoles. Obviously Ryan hung here.
She felt her cell phone vibrate and pulled it from her pocket. “Hi.”
“Hi yourself, how are you?” Devon sounded piqued.
Rory realized she had forgotten to talk to Devon about the engagement announcement. “Good, how are you?”
“Well, I’m wondering why I have to hear about your impending nuptials on the news rather than from the horse’s mouth. I mean, I am your only living relative.”
“Dev, I’m so sorry. I honestly was going to call you right away, but things got a little intense and time got away from me.”
“I’d say things have been intense; you’re marrying him? Last we talked I was convincing you to screw him, and now you’re marrying him?”
Rory sat on the sofa and closed her eyes. “Well, kind of…”
She filled Devon in on the reason for the announcement but also the fact that Jackson had genuinely proposed. She explained that she hadn’t given him a firm answer yet.
“Oh, and by the way, I’m in his mansion in Maine right now. His mother’s in the hospital and we flew in last night.”
“Jesus, Ror, this is crazy. Are you sure it’s Roan? That son of a bitch.”
“The FBI seems pretty sure. And that box episode pretty well sealed it for me. I don’t want to talk about it, but hopefully this works. I’d like to get on with life.”
“With Jackson?”
Rory laughed. “Maybe.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Yes.”
“Wow…what a breakthrough for you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?”
“I can’t imagine being without him. I know it’s insane, but in five weeks’ time he’s become…a part of me, I guess. A good part.”
“You trust him? That’s a hard one for you.”
“It was hard. Very hard. But I do now. He’s shown me he understands what I need from him and that I can count on him. And I believe he won’t fuck up again. It’s incredible how he sticks by me. Like, ‘Crazy human trafficking drug lord? No problem’!”
“Sounds magical. So what’s the problem? Sounds like you want to say yes.”
“Well, I guess the brother-in-law out to kill me is a hindrance. I’m so scared for Jackson. If anything happened to him because of me, Dev, I’d fucking die.”
“I hear you. I’m scared for you both. Can anything else be done? Seems to me they’re leaving too much to chance there. They ought to be doing more.”
“I don’t know. They don’t seem to have many bright ideas.”
“Should we start planning a wedding?”
“Uhh.” The thought made Rory’s heart jump to her throat. “I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you know? Sounds like you know very well from what you just told me. What’s holding you back?”
“It just feels so…foreign.”
“I see. I know you never thought you’d have a life again. But you’ve made it halfway back and look what it got you. You have Jackson now. Think about going the rest of the way.”
“You sound like Jackson.”
“Then I like him already.”
Rory dug through her suitcase for something to work out in. She pulled out yoga pants but couldn’t find anything but her colorful sports bras. She thought about wearing a t-shirt of Jackson’s, but they hung to her knees and restricted her stride. What the hell, bra it was.
She eyed the fancy treadmill. It seemed brand new and she gingerly pressed several buttons, finally turning it on. There was a TV mounted to the wall and she found CNN, turning the volume up high before stepping on the treadmill and taking off. She was absorbed by news as she ran.
She must have run for about fifteen minutes before she heard the loud “Hello!” from behind her. Scared shitless, she jumped from the treadmill, tripped and landed on her ass. Three teenage boys stood in the doorway. The one who looked identical to Jackson stepped forward to help her up.
It was hypnotizing. Same dark hair, same blue eyes, with a less mature but identical build. He was smiling at her just like Jackson did.
“I’m sorry! You’re Rory, right? I’m sorry we scared you! I’m Ryan,” he said as he extended his hand. “We saw the Secret Service guys outside. Thought we’d come in and say hi.”
Rory took his hand and he pulled her up. “Hi, Ryan, it’s good to meet you. I’m fine; you just startled me.” Her hand went to her rapidly beating heart.
He smiled, and she was mesmerized again. She had seen pictures, but the real thing was much more Jackson-esque.
“We’re here to get my dad’s snowmobile out of the garage. This is Ethan and Tim.” Both boys’ mouths were hanging open and Rory remembered her skimpy outfit. She smiled and shook their hands.
“It’s nice to meet you.” She turned back to Ryan. “Your dad was going to call you to have dinner with us tonight, but this is a nice surprise. He’s at the hospital right now checking on your grandmother.”
There was a beat of silence as all three boys’ gazes moved back up Rory’s body to her eyes. She smiled self-consciously.
“Let me go change. I’ll be right back.”
Ethan and Tim stepped aside, shamelessly following her every move. As Rory moved down the hall, she heard, “Holy shit, dude, is that gonna be your new step-mommy?”
When Rory emerged, properly attired, she found the boys in the kitchen with Jackson. He put his arm around her and kissed her lightly.
“I hear you met Ryan and his crew.”
“Yes, how’s your mom doing?”
“It was the medication and she’s already responding to the changed dosage. She might be coming home in the morning if she continues to respond well.”
“Oh that’s great.”
“Ryan said he’s free to do dinner with us tonight. I’m going to help him load my snowmobile into his truck and we’ll pick him up later.”
“What’s the snowmobile for?” She studied the resemblance again. It was like looking at a seventeen-year-old Jackson.
“For the Follies,” Ryan said. “They’re Saturday, the best races in all of Maine!”
“Oh?” She smiled.
“Ryan can fill you in at dinner. Right now these guys are heading back to school. Lunch break’s almost up, right, guys?”
The boys grumbled and pulled on their hats and gloves, making their way to the garage door.
“Nice to meet you, Rory,” Ryan said and she returned the sentiment. His friends nodded and muttered shyly.
Jackson followed, pulling his coat on to help with the snowmobile. “Too bad you guys aren’t headed home. I bet you could use a shower right about now.” He winked at Rory.
It was impressive to Rory the detailed manner in which Jackson was able to keep up with his son’s life while spending most of his time in DC. He knew everything about Ryan’s day-to-day life, including his teachers, grades, friends, and friends’ parents. And somehow he achieved this information on his own, because it was obvious from the way he and Ryan conversed that he didn’t speak to his ex-wife. Rory supposed that would be a natural reaction after finding one’s spouse screwing a friend in your marital bed.
She squeezed his hand and he turned and smiled at her as he and Ryan rambled on about basketball practice and the upcoming dance he had asked his latest girlfriend to. Jackson was such a good dad. He was fun and easy to talk to while still giving guidance and authority. He was a natural. It made her feel melancholy.
They enjoyed the dinner at the
lobster shack Jackson had chosen. He had insisted they get lobster. They were Mainers, he had said. They sat in a cozy booth.
“So tell me about this race, Ryan,” Rory asked.
“The Follies! It’s a day of the best races in Maine! You have to come! Dad, you’ll be here, right? You’ve missed it three years in a row now. You could do the Metal Man Race!” His excitement was contagious and they all laughed.
“Metal Man Race?” Rory looked at Jackson.
Jackson rolled his eyes and explained. “It’s the snowmobile race. Kind of like the Iron Man. The Dorn Foundation Frozen Follies are held annually in support of the March of Dimes. There’re a lot of different races, some serious and others folly.”
“Folly?”
“Folly, like the snowshoe race and the Noodle Man, the snowmobile race where everybody dresses up like wilderness men and rides around like idiots.”
Ryan chimed in. “It’s hilarious! But Dad holds the record for the Metal Man. Nobody has ever beaten his time.”
Rory raised an eyebrow. Jackson smiled. “It’s been awhile. I was younger then.”
“Let’s enter. I’d like to race snowmobiles.”
Jackson shook his head at her. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. You can’t do the Metal Man. I wouldn’t even do it. It takes months of training and preparation for the best of athletes.”
“Excuse me? I can jet-ski with the best of them on the lake at home. I can do snow.”
“Can you lift a snowmobile out of a snowbank by yourself? Because that’s how strong you have to be.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’d like to try,” she muttered.
“Maybe the snowshoe race. That’s a good one for you.”
“Look, old man. You may not be up to the challenge, but I’m ready,” she teased him.
Ryan started laughing and Jackson grabbed her, tickling her ribs. “I’m nobody’s old man, little girl.”
“You’re my old man,” Ryan interjected. They laughed.
“We’ll see which races are running in tomorrow’s paper. We’ll see,” Jackson said.
Jackson excused himself and went to the restroom, leaving Rory and Ryan alone.
“I’ll help you enter whatever race you want,” Ryan offered when Jackson was gone.
“Thanks, at least somebody thinks I can do it.” They both laughed and sipped their sodas.
“So my dad seems happy,” Ryan said shyly.
“I hope so. He’s such a wonderful dad to you, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, we’re tight.” He looked at her quickly, then down at his plate. “I’ve seen him with women before. You’re different… He’s different with you.”
She knew how it felt for life circumstances to change. “Your dad is awesome, and you’re the most important thing to him. That’s most important to me too.”
He smiled up at her with those eyes that were just like Jackson’s. “I can tell he’s into you. You’ll fit in great here.”
Rory laughed softly and was relieved that she had passed the test. “Good, cuz it seems really great here.”
“When will you two get married?”
“We haven’t worked any of that out yet.”
He smiled widely. “Maybe you’ll have kids. I always wanted a little brother.”
Caught off guard, Rory flinched and tried to recover. She took a sip of water and mustered up a smile. She didn’t know what to say. Luckily, Jackson came back and eased in next to her, his arm going around her shoulders.
“What d’ya say, Dad? I told Rory maybe you two can give me that little brother I always wanted to kick around.”
Jackson threw his head back and laughed. “Is that so? You’ll be leaving us for college after next year. You won’t be here to kick anybody around.”
Rory sat cemented in place, her rising blood pressure roaring in her ears. She looked from Jackson to Ryan, their smiles and laughter filling her with panic. She didn’t hear their words but watched their mouths move as she tried to keep control of her anxiety.
He was talking to her. “Baby, are you okay? Rory?”
She jerked back to reality. “I’m fine… I’m sorry. My head just really seems to be pounding all of a sudden. I think I’ll go to the restroom.”
Jackson let her out of the booth and turned to her. “You okay?” He cupped her chin.
“Yeah, I’ll be right back.” She smiled meekly.
The minute she closed the stall door she bent over, breathing hard and fighting to hold back the tears. Her arms went around her stomach. “No…no,” she told herself. She could feel the vomit rising and fought to keep fifty dollars’ worth of lobster down. The feel of shame and the fact that she was totally undeserving of a future with Jackson swirled in her head. What the hell had she been thinking? She couldn’t do this. He deserved so much better.
She tried to gather herself. She had to fucking get it together and get through the rest of this evening. She got control of her breathing and tried to look normal as she walked back to the booth. Jackson was laughing at something his son said and stopped. His face grew concerned when he saw her.
“Are you ready to go?” he said as she approached the table.
“Any time you are,” she answered in a hoarse voice.
They said good night to Ryan and as soon as he closed the car door, Jackson turned to her. “What’s the matter?” She could see the worry in his eyes.
They were sitting in his ex-wife’s driveway. She really didn’t want to get into it here. “I’m okay. Can we go back to your house?”
He put the car in reverse and accelerated hard. “You’re not okay, and I want to know what the problem is. You came out of that bathroom whiter than a ghost. Are you sick?”
“I’ll be okay.”
He didn’t say another word until they entered the house and he followed her closely back to his bedroom.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
She sat on the bed and looked up at him. “Jackson…” Words failed her and the tears escaped from her eyes. He went down on his knees in front of her, taking her hands.
“What is it? Don’t make me ask again. You’re scaring me.”
She looked at him, chin quivering. “I can’t marry you. I’m not good enough for you.”
Jackson blanched and grabbed her by the shoulders. “What the hell are you talking about?”
She sobbed through her words. “I can’t give you children… You deserve somebody better, not somebody like me who has no life to look forward to and nothing to give you. You deserve so much better.”
He looked at her for a moment. His eyes closed as he shook his head.
“I’m so sorry, Rory. I should have known that the mention of us having kids would upset you. But stop this bullshit. You’re plenty good enough. If anything I’m not good enough for you.”
She looked up at him incredulously. “Jackson, you are the most generous-spirited, loving, understanding man. And you deserve the best wife.”
“And that would be you. My heart can’t live without you,” he pleaded, squeezing her hands and searching her eyes.
She looked at him, tears oozing. “Do you want more children, Jackson?”
He took a deep breath. “When I married Lauren I wanted lots of children. But now, I don’t know. I’m older, and I’ve been unattached for ten fucking years. It’s not something that I’ve thought about in a long time.”
He took her chin in his hand and peered into her eyes. “But I want you. I can’t live without you, Rory. I want you as my wife. Nobody else will do.”
She started to cry again and Jackson rose onto the bed, pulling her to lie beside him. He engulfed her in his arms. They lay silently after her crying eased.
He broke the silence. “I want you to marry me. What can I do to convince you?”
Rory felt Jackson’s hard pectorals through his sweater. She stared at the ceiling.
She finally broke the silence. “After I woke up in the hospital, my life was gon
e.” Jackson remained still and she continued in a quiet voice. “I never knew why I woke up. I’ve never been able to really understand why I didn’t die. My mom and dad died. My child died. And it seemed like it was a mistake, that I was supposed to have died too. They told me the only reason I didn’t was because he left the knife in me.” She felt Jackson’s body jump in reaction and looked up at him. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. I want to hear what you have to say. Please tell me.”
She settled on his chest again and continued after several more minutes.
“They told me I was bleeding out, but it went more slowly because the knife was still in me. But they had to remove my uterus and one ovary. They were mutilated. I also had the broken wrist, ribs and teeth, concussion, and ruptured eye. I was a mess. But all I could do was wonder why I was still alive, like it was some mistake. After a while I got better and went back to work. But I always felt like I had no right to be walking the earth.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
“No.” She moved back on the pillow and looked into his eyes. “Since I met you, I felt like I could live again.”
“That’s right; you can. And I want you to marry me and build a future together with me.”
“I can’t have kids. And when Ryan asked about a baby brother tonight, it took me right back to that feeling like I had no right to walk the earth.”
He gathered her in his arms again. “Baby, I don’t know that I want more kids. Even if I did, there’s more ways than one to accomplish that. But, Rory, kids have nothing to do with why I want to marry you.”
“Why do you want to marry me?” she whispered.
He stared at her. After a moment he lifted up on his elbow and placed his hand on her stomach. “Because from the first time I saw you, I felt like I had found my home. After years of searching, I felt like I finally found it. And I never want to be without it again.”
Chapter Thirty-One
The next morning, Rory dressed for a workout and slipped into the kitchen while Jackson was in the shower. She was hungry and dehydrated. She grabbed a bottle of water and put bread in the toaster. She thought about the night before as she sipped the water. He had made such sweet love to her. Afterward she lay awake for hours, remembering the words he had spoken. The first time I saw you, I felt like I found my home. She felt the same way, had even said as much to Nicole and Devon.