by Edeet Ravel
“I guess you’re in a hard line of work.”
“Better than fixing people’s toilets. Better than being up to your arms in other people’s shit.”
“Is that what you used to do?”
“Still do. Why you changing your lock?”
“I gave my key to a lot of people. And the guy who called you thinks it isn’t safe, he wants me to have a new lock. That’s all.”
“He’s right. Everyone’s a fucking crook out there.”
“Do you want to come in and wash your arm?”
“Yeah, may as well.”
He had a strident way of walking and I was afraid he’d bump into something or accidentally turn over a piece of furniture. He went into the bathroom and rinsed his arm. “Looks like the fucking Taj Mahal in here,” he said, as the water from the tap turned red. I gave him another towel. “What are you, Mother Teresa?”
“If I were injured, I’d expect you to do the same for me. And I’ll bet you would.”
“I’ll bet I wouldn’t.”
“I’ll bet you would.”
“I’ll bet I wouldn’t.”
“I’ll bet you would.”
“You’re pretty stubborn, in your own quiet way.”
“Yes, I am.”
He smiled. “You’re okay.”
“You look very nice when you smile.”
“What, are you coming on to me?”
“No, as I’m sure you can tell.”
“Yeah, you’re a bit of a cold fish, aren’t you?”
“Thanks.”
“Not really a cold fish, but, I don’t know, a mermaid maybe?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“I’ll just finish up with the door. It’s nearly done.”
“There’s a woman upstairs who tells fortunes. You should try her out.” I figured one of Tanya’s massages would do him good.
“Why?”
“She’s really good.”
“I don’t believe in that fucking shit.”
“She’s different.”
“What, you getting a cut?”
“I don’t care if you go or not. It was just a suggestion.”
“Well, maybe. How much does she charge?”
“Around fifty.”
“I’ll think about it.”
When he’d left I knocked on Volvo’s door. I was hoping Alex would be there.
Alex was Daniel’s oldest friend. In high school he had formed the little band that had played at my cousin’s wedding, and when Daniel finished his army service, they traveled together to Italy, Paris, Greece, and South America. Alex had a release from the army because he was albino; there was a military clause somewhere that exempted albinos, for no good reason—but Alex wasn’t complaining.
Alex still had white hair, of course, but it was very short now. He was a professional musician, and he’d worked with just about every singer and group in the country. He was also active in Gays Against the Occupation; he was the one who had come up with their slogan, No Pride in the Occupation. Alex was the only volunteer Volvo didn’t complain about, and the only one who could tease Volvo. He called him “pinup boy,” “irresistible,” “heartthrob,” “sex object.” Remarkably, Volvo was amused.
Alex answered the door. “Dana! I’m happy to see you. My handsome friend and I are having a heart-to-heart.”
Volvo was sitting in his chair, and I could tell that they really had been having a serious conversation.
“Hi, Volvo.”
“Hi, Dana,” Volvo said courteously, possibly for the first time since I’d known him.
“Alex, when you have a moment, can I see you? It’s about Daniel. You don’t mind, Volvo, do you?”
Volvo waved his hand regally to indicate his consent, and Alex followed me to my flat. We sat on the sofa and Alex took my hand and held it in his lap. His transparent blue eyes danced because of his astigmatism, but made him look as if he was concentrating hard on what you were saying and deliberating upon every word.
“Listen, Alex. I’ve found Daniel.”
“You found him! Where? Have you seen him?”
“No, not yet. In the end it was so easy. I could have found him years ago. I don’t want to think about that.”
“I was sure he was hiding in some cave in India. I never thought we’d find him. Well, where is he?”
“He’s in Qal’at al-Maraya.”
“Really!”
“Yes. He doesn’t know I’ve found him. And I haven’t told anyone. I have to see him first, before I let anyone know.”
“How did you find out, after all this time?”
“The army knew all along. Someone high up gave it to me.”
“That simple …Poor Dana, after all your efforts. Crazy. Qal’at al-Maraya. What was he thinking?”
“I’m going to ask Ella to help me get to him.”
“Good idea.”
“I should let you get back to Volvo.”
“He’s fine. Are you?”
“Of course! I’ve never been happier in my life—I don’t know how I’ll survive until I see him.”
“He’s not going to be exactly the same, honey.”
“I know. But he’s still Daniel.”
“Yes, but people change. You have to be prepared for that. People go through things, their lives change, they’re not the same people. Look at me. Twenty years ago I was wandering from party to party like some lost minstrel, stoned out of my mind most of the time. Now I’m a member of the bourgeoisie, and I spend my days worrying about my credit rating.”
“The basic things stay the same.”
“Well, it’s true I’ve always been gay! By the way, our friend Volvo has just decided he’s gay, too.”
“Oh yes, he mentioned something. Well …I guess it’s possible.”
“He wants me to take him to a gay bar.”
“That’s great news! Finally, a sign of life. Who knows, he might meet someone.”
“For sure he’ll meet someone. He’s quite good-looking. Dana, be careful. I’m not happy about you wandering around Qal’at al-Maraya.”
“I’ll go with Ella, everyone knows her.’
“That’s a good idea, angel. Though you know, our marvelous army shot at Ella’s car a few months ago. It was a miracle she wasn’t killed.”
“Yes, I remember.”
He shook his head. “Poor Daniel. Living in what is at the moment one of the planet’s hellholes.”
“Some parts of Qal’at al-Maraya are really beautiful—it’s not like he’s living in a refugee camp. But I guess it’s bad everywhere on the strip now.”
“Good luck, sweetie. Call me if you need anything.”
He let himself out, and I stayed on the sofa, motionless, all my emotions on hold.
I was still sitting on the sofa and staring into space when Rafi came over. He brought food: spices in glass jars, vegetables, an interesting assortment of grains. I watched him as he took the items out of plastic bags. We didn’t touch; we were both shy today.
“So, where is he?” Rafi asked. “And can I get a cup of coffee around here?”
“Yes, of course. He’s in Qal’at al-Maraya.”
“Qal’at al-Maraya! Well, that’s interesting.”
“Yes.”
“I wonder how he managed to keep that a secret. Everyone knows everything in this country. Especially something like that.”
“I’m so angry at the army. They knew all along.”
“Maybe the people you spoke to didn’t know.” He lit a cigarette; he seemed very tense.
“I had no help at all. No one wanted to help me find him, not his family, not my friends, no one. Certainly no one in any of the offices I went to. I didn’t know who to turn to.”
“People think they know what’s best for us.”
“Why? Why would that be best for me?”
“I don’t know. Maybe they thought he’d gone mad. Maybe they didn’t want you to go running after him and move there also.”
&n
bsp; “Why would it be classified information, though? I just don’t understand.”
“Maybe it isn’t classified, just not easily available.”
“I’m thinking back to that woman, that woman who spent a lot of time trying to look Daniel up on her computer, just because she was on my side, you know. She probably wasn’t even supposed to be going in, but she was alone in the office, and she began checking all sorts of things. She found out that he was in Qal’at al-Maraya. And she just decided not to tell me. Or else she was afraid of getting into trouble. I remember now that when she was reading the screen a weird look came over her face. What right does she have to ruin my life? What right do they have to keep that sort of information from me?”
“What will you do now?”
“He has to see that I still love him. He must be so lonely there.”
“You don’t know, Dana. You don’t know what his life is like. Maybe he’s found a way to be happy. Maybe he’s made some close friends. I wonder how he managed to get in, though. How he got them to trust him, I can’t imagine it.”
“Yes, it was right in the middle of the uprising.”
“You’re right … eleven years ago … It seems impossible. They would never have trusted him, a former soldier, wounded, I wonder how he did it.”
“You’re very tense, Rafi.”
“That’s the first time you’ve used my name.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I can’t believe that. I’m sorry. Rafi. Rafi. I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you.”
“Are you upset?”
“Let’s put on some music.” He went over to my CD collection and put on a record that had just come out, various artists singing Jacky’s greatest hits. The clear pure voice of one of my favorite female vocalists filled the room. A carnival of fools, showgirls on the shore, shrapnel in the air, sand on the floor. Come dance with me, dance with me, for the sake of the dream, and we’ll both pretend that we can be seen.
“I have to tell my father,” I said. “I have to call him. What time is it in Belgium?”
“I think they’re around three or four hours back, I’m not sure.”
“I’m calling, I can’t wait.”
It took me a few minutes to find my father’s number; I almost never phoned him. He sounded groggy when he answered.
“Dad? It’s me.”
“What’s happened?” he asked, immediately worried.
“Nothing, nothing, it’s good news.”
“Ah, the kind I like. Hold on, hold on. Just a second, I can’t hear without my glasses. Ah, here …Yes.”
“I found Daniel’s address.”
There was a long silence at the other end. “Dad, are you there?”
“Yes, yes, I’m just trying to digest what you said. He’s alive?”
“Of course he’s alive. Didn’t you know that?”
“Yes—no—I mean, I had no idea, honey.”
“I told you he’s alive, the army still sends him his disability checks.”
“Ah, that’s right. Have you seen him?”
“Of course not! I just got the address now. It was a fluke. He’s in Qal’at al-Maraya, that’s why I couldn’t find him.”
“Qal’at al-Maraya! What’s he doing there?”
“Hiding, obviously. What a brilliant hiding place.”
“Dana, how do you feel about all this?”
“What do you think, Dad? I’ve only waited eleven years! I’m so excited I can hardly breathe.”
“I’m very happy for you, darling. Very, very happy. But how the hell will you get to him?”
“Ella, maybe.”
“Do you think you should write to him first?”
“No, no, I won’t let him get away this time. How’s Gitte?”
“Fine, fine. She says to send her love.”
“Say hi from me, too. Tell her the good news.”
“I will. Keep me posted. I hope it goes well, duckie. I’m sure it will. This is like one of your romance novels, isn’t it?”
“Well, not exactly. But who knows, maybe I’ll write one about a long-lost true love. There’s a song about that, isn’t there? Mummy used to like it.”
“Well, if he’s in some battle slain,” my father began to sing, “I’ll lie still when the moon doth wane. If he’s drowned in the deep salt sea, I’ll be true to his memory. And if he’s found another love, and he and his love both married be, I wish them health and happiness, where they dwell across the sea.” He stopped singing and coughed. “Bit early in the morning, my voice isn’t quite awake.”
“Don’t stop there! Sing me the end!”
“He picked her up all in his arms, and kisses gave her one, two, three, saying weep no more, my own true love, I am your long-lost John Riley.”
“You’re right, it’s very romantic.”
“This really is wonderful news, Dana. Qal’at al-Maraya, Jesus. Please be careful, duckie. Good idea to go down with Ella. Don’t try it on your own.”
“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Otherwise I’d be in a taxi right now.”
“Yes. Well.”
“Dad, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“What did you and Mum do back in South Africa?”
He laughed. “In fifty words or less?”
“I mean, were you in prison? You never really told me.”
“Why are you asking now?”
“It came up … in a conversation. And I realized that I had no idea.”
“I’m sure I told you we were in prison, for four months. I was in for four, your mother for three.”
“I’d like to know more.”
“Why don’t you come visit, duckie? I’ll be happy to tell you about all our antics.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when I was younger?”
“To protect you, I suppose. It would have upset you.”
“Why?”
“Well, we had a hard time. The bad old days. When are you coming to visit?”
“We’ll both come, we’ll come together. Me and Daniel. It will be so great!”
“Yes, that really would be a dream come true.”
“Bye, Dad.”
“Hugs.”
Rafi was sitting at the kitchen counter, smoking and looking at a newspaper, but I could tell he wasn’t concentrating on what he was reading.
“My father’s a bit of a mystery to me,” I said.
“Why?”
“He just is. He’s quiet, but there’s a lot going on inside his brain.”
“Have you met his wife?”
“No, she’s afraid of flying. They’re very happy together. Guess what? Volvo thinks he’s gay.”
“I can’t think about Volvo right now,” Rafi said.
“I’ve never seen you like this. Of course, I’ve only known you for a week …”
Before he could to answer, the phone rang. It was Ella.
“Hi, Dana?” she said. “Odelia told me you were trying to reach me.”
“Yes, it’s about Daniel. He’s living in Qal’at al-Maraya.”
“Yes, I know. Do you want to see him?”
“Of course!”
“I can take you tomorrow.”
“You mean—you’ve known all this time?”
“We can talk about it when we meet. I’ve already spoken to him; I had a feeling that’s what you were calling about.”
“You spoke to him!”
“Yes, he’s expecting you.”
“I’m so confused.”
“We’ll talk on the way there. I really have to run—I have a situation here.”
“Okay.”
“Meet me at the train station at six in the morning, we’ll get an early start. Bring water, your ID, of course, and a sandwich. It can take a bit of time. Bye.” She hung up.
“Well,” Rafi said.
“I’m so confused!” I repeated. “Ella knows. It sounds as if she knew where Daniel was all along.
Why didn’t she tell me? She’s spoken to him! She told him I’d called her.”
“Ella knows a lot of things no one else knows. Don’t forget she’s there all the time, she knows hundreds of people. Dana, maybe she’s the one who’s been picking up his mail.”
“But now I’m so angry with her. And yet she’s my only link …”
“Don’t blame her. She’s a journalist, she has to know how to keep some things secret. It’s Daniel who asked her not to tell you. You should be angry with him if anyone.”
“You’re not really reading that newspaper, are you? Let’s talk.” We moved to the living room and sat at opposite ends of the sofa.
“No, I’m not angry with him,” I said. “Because he has a reason. Ella didn’t have a reason.”
“What did Daniel say?”
“He said I could come.”
“How do you feel?”
“I’m so nervous, you can’t imagine. I feel a hundred things. I’m happy, I’m excited.”
“You’re afraid.”
“No. Yes. Not of him.”
“Are you afraid he’ll reject you in person?”
“No, he won’t reject me, not when he sees me, when he sees how much I love him.”
“He’s forty-seven now, isn’t he?”
“Yes, that’s true. That’s true. I still think of him as thirty-six, but he’s older, of course.”
“Are you afraid of what you’ll feel?”
“No, I’ll feel happy, I just want to see him and be with him, it’s a dream come true. I know what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid it’s a trick. I mean, why would he agree, just because I found him? Is it some kind of game? ‘You can’t see me until you find me?’”
“He probably figured there wasn’t anything he could do at this point. You’d found him, and now you’d have to see him.”
“I don’t believe this is happening. I’m afraid something will ruin it. That’s what I’m afraid of. That he’ll dodge me again.”
“There’s nowhere left for him to go.”
“I’ll bring him the silk dressing gown I bought when he was in the hospital, just before he escaped. I’ve kept it for him, it’s still in perfect condition. What else? Should I bring some photographs? No …I’ll wait with those. I don’t want any distraction, I just want us. Maybe just the bird photo, it’s my favorite one.”
“What bird photo?”
“Remember the demo at Rmeid? On the anniversary of the killings?”