by Amy Lillard
But sitting there with half of the district watching her as much as they were watching the actual ceremony . . .
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She wanted to shake her head no, but she nodded instead. “I’m fine.” As fine as frog hair.
“Why do I feel like you’re not telling me the entire truth?”
“Maybe because I’m not. But don’t ask why. I can’t explain.”
“As long as you’re okay,” he said, casting her a quick glance.
“I am, truly. I promise.”
They rode in silence for a few moments.
“You don’t have to go,” he said.
Suddenly she was aware that he had stopped the buggy, and she realized that they were at the turnoff to Abby’s house. The home itself set back off the road just a bit, but not enough to conceal all the buggies that had already begun to gather there. Most everyone in the district would be here today. She would get out and face them all.
Or . . . they could just keep going. But what would that accomplish? It would just delay the inevitable face-off she would have with the community. She wasn’t technically under the Bann, but that didn’t mean she would be well received either.
Strangely enough, she hadn’t seen Benuel since that fateful night fifteen years ago. She wasn’t sure how she would feel when she saw him. If her heart would still flutter. Would his smile mean as much to her now as it had back then? But most importantly, would seeing him again make her regret the decisions she had made? Regrets were a waste of time, but most were beyond a person’s control. And that was where Leah really had a problem with things. How could she be happy if she were living with tons of regrets? Would it be better to face them, or to leave and never know?
“Leah?” Jamie asked.
He had to be the bravest man she knew. He took in a boy with troubles to keep him from getting lost in the shuffle of another’s home. He had moved over a hundred miles from home to live in a cabin and help her father build sheds and fix random problems in their community. That took more than bravery; that took a fortitude that she found admirable. And she was contemplating missing a wedding because it might be uncomfortable? She should be ashamed.
“Let’s go,” she said with a quick nod at the turnoff. “Time to face the music.”
* * *
Fifteen years away, and Amish weddings hadn’t changed one bit.
They pulled up and were met by young male members of Benuel’s family. They were parking the buggies, unhitching the horses, and turning them out to pasture. As usual, they had numbers to put on each horse’s bridle and on each buggy to match the numbers they gave each owner. With that many buggies, horses, and owners, this was the only way to make sure everything got back to the right person at the end of the day.
Together Jamie and Leah walked to the milling crowd of people, all waiting on the festivities to begin. Amish weddings were a great deal like their church services. The bishop and other elders were preparing for their sermons, while the bride and her attendants were upstairs getting ready. The groom was most likely hiding out in the barn with his male kin, where they would be teasing one another and acting like this wasn’t the most important day of his life.
Since this was a second wedding, a great deal of the traditions would be skipped, like the picking of partners for the meal and the singing afterward, but the food, cake, and joy would all be the same.
“Jamie Stoltzfus?”
He turned as Abby’s father, Joe John Glick, came hurrying up. Joe John was dressed for the wedding in his Sunday best black vest and crisp smoky blue shirt that Leah suspected perfectly matched his daughter’s wedding dress.
“I didn’t think you would ever get here. Come quick,” Joe John continued. “We need your help getting the tables up, and one has a broken leg. We’ve tried everything to fix it, to no avail. But I hear you’re good with a hammer and saw.”
Jamie gave a humble shrug. “I do all right.”
“We need you,” Joe John said.
“Of course.” Jamie shot her an apologetic glance.
She waved it away. “Go do your thing,” she said. It seemed she was destined to be alone at this wedding. Well, so be it.
“I’ll find you when I’m finished,” Jamie promised.
Leah merely nodded.
“Danki, danki,” Joe John said as he led Jamie away, leaving Leah standing all alone in the crowd.
Not knowing what else she should do, she walked like she had a purpose to the edge of the soybean field. Or rather what had been a soybean field before the last harvest. Now it was just a square of clumped earth and fragments of once-thriving plants.
Leah sighed. She should hold her head high and go back in there and pretend like whatever it was, she would have it no other way. But right that moment she just didn’t have it in her. She needed a little time alone, just a few seconds when she knew no one but God was watching and she could give in to the unexplainable tears, if only for a second or two.
Remembering the creek that ran behind Joe John’s shop, Leah headed for the crop of trees on the far side of the house. Just a few moments alone. That was all she needed. She picked her way through the bramble, feeling somehow that the woods were thicker when she was younger, the trees taller, but that couldn’t be the case. An ice storm a few years back cleared away a lot of timber, and the trees had to be taller now than back then. It only stood to reason. But it seemed as if nothing was making much sense today. And that was why she didn’t even flinch when she cleared the line of trees, spotted the creek, and saw Benuel King sitting on the opposite bank.
“Don’t you have a wedding to get to?” she asked without greeting.
He startled when she spoke, so lost in his thoughts or whatever, that he hadn’t heard her come up. Must be something heavy, she thought. She hadn’t expected anyone to be down here, and hadn’t tried in the least to temper her footfalls as she walked through the woods.
“Jah,” he said. He stood and dusted off the seat of his pants. His wedding pants. He wore the same blue-gray shirt as her uncle Joe John and an expression that was almost as harried.
He picked his way across the creek, using half-submerged rocks and a fallen log to return to her side.
She stood there like the moss, just being, as he started past.
She should say something. But she didn’t know what. You look good? And he did. I handled things badly. I know it’s been a long time, but I hope you forgive me? Or maybe You’ve moved on, why do I feel like I’m only treading water?
He walked one step past her, then stopped. “You told me you were coming back.”
She didn’t have to ask what he was talking about. She knew. “I didn’t mean to lie to you.”
“I waited, you know. For a while, I waited and prayed that you would come back. And as much as I cared for you, I’m glad you didn’t. If you had, I wouldn’t have married Mary Ann, and I wouldn’t have Davey and Jonah.”
“And you wouldn’t be marrying Abby.”
He smiled, and the motion lit his face with love and excitement.
“I just didn’t want to break your heart.”
“You didn’t. Well, you did for a while, but I got over it. I moved on.” He looked pointedly at her clothes. “You did too.” He stopped, tilted his head to one side, and studied her from this new angle. “Tell me, Leah. Are you happy?”
Chapter Sixteen
Was she happy?
Leah stopped, let his words sink in. He was next to her, almost past her, but she couldn’t see his expression, didn’t know what he was thinking. She had to take it all at face value. Was she happy?
“Yes,” she said simply, and she knew it was true. She was happy. She had made a good life. Maybe not the life she thought she would have when she was sixteen and making eyes at Benuel across the barn at a Sunday night singing. But it was a good life. Even though she couldn’t go back and change how it came out, she loved it. She was happy. “What about you?” she asked. “Are you
happy?”
He didn’t take as long as she had to answer. “Yes. My life has been good so far.”
And she prayed it would continue that same way. “Good. I’m glad.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him nod. “See you at the wedding, Leah.” And then he was gone.
* * *
By the time Leah got back to the house, everyone was getting in place for the wedding to start. But this time her step was lighter. She hadn’t realized what a burden leaving her Amish life behind had put on her. She wasn’t completely at peace with every decision she had made, every regret that haunted her dreams, but this was a start. A very good one.
She stopped next to Jamie, who looked surprised to see her.
“Did you think I skipped town?” she whispered for only him to hear.
“I was beginning to wonder.”
She tempered her smile lest it stretch across the room. “Just taking care of some unfinished business.”
“Do I even want to know?” he asked.
She shot him a wink. “I’ll tell you on the ride home.” Then she moved away to take her place with the other women.
* * *
“Go on ahead without me,” Leah said hours later. The wedding had gone off without a hitch, if a person didn’t count the groom’s youngest crying for his Dat-dat-dat the entire ceremony. In the end, Benuel’s mother had started for the back door, her youngest grandson in her arms, but Benuel stopped her. He vowed his love and his life to Abby Glick while cradling Jonah in his arms and bouncing him to keep him happy.
It was proof positive that life was full of compromises. And those weren’t always bad things.
“I hate leaving you here,” Jamie said.
“It’s okay. I’ve got plenty of kin hanging around. I can catch a ride with someone.”
Jamie took another step closer. “Are you being serious, or do you want me to keep on? I can get you out of here, you know. If you’re ready to go.” He said the words where only she could hear.
Leah couldn’t stop her smile. “I’m being serious. Everything’s fine. I’m just trying to help.”
He frowned and took a step back, his gaze steadily studying her as if he couldn’t quite trust what she was saying.
“I promise,” she said. She understood his reluctance. Only a few short hours ago she had been more than reluctant to even attend the wedding. Now she was even more willing to stay and help clean up as promised. She hadn’t had an opportunity to explain it all to him. Of course he was confused. “I’ll come by and explain once we’re done here,” she promised.
Finally, he nodded. “Jah. Okay. I’ll see you in a bit then?”
She nodded, then watched as he turned on his heel and walked toward the row of parked buggies. He turned once when he was halfway there.
She waved and smiled to assure him that everything was indeed okay. He waved in return and started his footsteps once again.
* * *
It was well after dark when Leah finally returned to her parents’ house, where she had left her car in order to ride with Jamie to the wedding.
A light was still on at Jamie’s, and she warred with herself on whether or not to stop and talk to him. A big part of her wanted to keep on driving, as if stopping would somehow change everything beyond what they could handle.
But she stopped anyway. She had promised she would.
Sure, they had too many differences to have more than a friendship between them, but if that was all she could have, then she would take it. She couldn’t imagine her life without Jamie and Peter in it. At least in some form.
Jamie wrenched open the door as soon as she knocked. “Hi.” His smile was so bright she could even see it even though he was backlit from the light in the living room.
“I was afraid you had already gone to bed,” she said.
He stepped to one side and allowed her to enter. “Peter has. He had a big day with Eunice.”
Leah nodded. “He didn’t happen to—”
Jamie’s smile dimmed but remained in place. “No.”
“Where’s the dog?”
He motioned for her to follow him.
A small sliver of light fell across the foot of the bed as Jamie pushed open Peter’s bedroom door. The pooch raised his head, saw there was no threat to the boy, and laid it back on his paws once again. He was at the foot of the bed, almost guarding Peter.
“Looks like he’s settling in nicely,” Leah whispered.
“Jah. Is it bad that I’ve prayed no one comes for the mutt?”
“I suppose that’s only natural. He’s been here almost a week.” Leah smiled, then nodded for Jamie to close the door. She was suddenly overwhelmed with the need to tuck Peter in, pull his covers up, and kiss his sweet cheek. Maybe she would babysit again when Jamie found someone to court.
The thought sent her stomach plummeting to her shoes. One day Jamie would start to date someone, the person who would eventually serve as Peter’s mother. A someone who would get all Jamie’s tender looks and sweet smiles. They would probably have children together. Sweet babies to fill a whole house.
He wouldn’t live in the cabin then. He would have a big, rambling, white house with extra rooms for such a large family.
But that would be with someone much younger than Leah. She had made her decisions, just as her sister had. She had chosen to serve God, not flirt and date. There were no babies in her future, just as there was no wedding.
Today she had watched as Benuel and Abby pledged their lives each to the other. And just like that, two families became one. And she was sure they would add to it, other babies to grow and grow.
“Leah? What’s wrong?”
She glanced into Jamie’s sweet and caring blue eyes. What was wrong? Everything. She should have never come home. There was nothing for her. Not really. But the decision had been made, people were depending on her, and there was no going back.
She shook her head. “Just tired. I think I need to go home and rest.”
He frowned, and she could tell that he wasn’t quite buying her excuse. “Jah. Okay.”
She headed back to the door. “I just wanted to stop in on my way home.”
“I thought you were going to tell me what happened at the wedding.”
“Nothing.” She faked a smile. “Nothing at all.” It was mostly true. The real, life-altering revelations had been right here.
“Are you sure?”
Her smile wavered, then tightened as she made her resolve. “Positive.”
He nodded, though he seemed reluctant to let her go. “Be careful driving.”
She nodded as tears stung the back of her eyes. “I will,” she said and closed the cabin door behind her.
* * *
Jamie was splitting firewood at the back of the cabin when the unfamiliar car pulled into his drive. Most likely an Englischer looking for Abner’s shed company. Jamie buried the ax in the fat log he was using as a stand and wiped one sleeve across his forehead. It might be the middle of October, but it was plenty warm outside when a body was chopping wood.
The man shut off his car and got out, followed by a woman Jamie supposed was his wife. They were in their thirties, a nice-looking couple with a shiny car and smiling faces.
“Can I help you?” he asked.
“We’re here about the dog.” The man held up a piece of paper, and Jamie figured it was one of the flyers Brandon and Shelly had made, then hung down Main Street.
Inside the house, Jamie could hear the pooch barking, most likely with his paws up on the windowsill and his tail wagging like crazy.
“He had on a blue collar, but I found his tags in the yard,” the woman said.
“He’s been gone about five weeks.” The man shook his head. “We thought he was gone for good.”
“Then we saw your sign. I said, that’s our Teddy.”
The man nodded. “He’s really our son’s dog. But we all love him.”
Just then the front door opened. Peter
and the dog stepped out onto the porch.
The mutt took one look at the people and raced toward them, tail wagging but no barking. He braced his feet on the man’s thigh, doing everything he could to lick the man’s face. Unsuccessful, he raced toward the woman and gave her the same greeting.
Jamie swallowed hard. They had known all along that it would come to this. But after a week and no word, he’d begun to believe that maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe the dog had been brought to this area and the owners were far enough away that they would never suspect the dog was still alive and well. In this fantasy of his, Peter got to keep the dog and the previous owners found one even better.
But this show of affection just proved that the pooch—Teddy—had belonged to them first.
“He looks wonderful,” the woman said. “You’ve taken such good care of him. Thank you.”
Jamie nodded his response, not sure he could trust his voice yet. These were the proper owners, and Peter would have to give the dog over. It was going to break his heart. Just thinking about it nearly broke Jamie’s in two. But their ownership was obvious.
The man reached into his pants pocket and brought out his wallet. “Let me pay you for your trouble.”
He couldn’t take the man’s money. He held up one hand. “No need.” His voice sounded rusty and unused.
The man took out two twenties and forced them on Jamie. “Please,” he said. “Let me do this much at least.”
“Jah.” He didn’t have it in him to contest the man. “Danki.” He cleared his throat. “Thank you.”
“Thank you.” The man took a couple of steps forward, the dog following each step like magic. He reached out a hand to shake, and Jamie took it. His afternoon of chores had come to an end, he was certain. He and Peter may have talked about someone coming to get the dog, but the theory and the reality were two different things.