“Stop it,” Susanna ordered, lowering her head. “Don’t say such things.”
“Maybe I should explain the problem to Joey,” Emma said.
“Go ahead and give it a try,” Susanna allowed. “But—”
Emma hurried on. “See, Joey, the man who has offered to marry Susanna is well-thought-of in the community and is not without other options. His name is Ernest Helmuth, and there are at least two widows who would gladly accept a marriage proposal from him. Neither woman would trouble herself with questions the way Susanna does. To the community’s way of thinking, Susanna has led a wild life. The question then is, how can Susanna predict what will happen after she says the marriage vows with Ernest? What if she wishes she hadn’t married him? She doesn’t love the man by her own admission. What if she doesn’t learn to love Ernest after the wedding, as everyone claims she will? If Susanna should decide to leave Ernest after the wedding, that would be absolutely awful. And even if she didn’t leave him, what if she stayed with him out of a sense of duty? I don’t think Susanna could keep that up for the rest of her life. It would only mean trouble.”
Joey grunted. “You people sure do look at things differently. But from what I’m hearing, I agree that Susanna shouldn’t marry someone she doesn’t love.”
“I wish you could persuade her of this,” Emma said, exasperation in her voice.
Joey laughed. “And how would I do that? By giving her an executive order not to marry this Ernest guy?”
“I am being ordered around enough already,” Susanna got in edgewise. A smile flitted on her face in spite of herself.
“Susanna is stubborn,” Emma muttered. “You can’t talk sense into her easily.”
“Why should that surprise anyone?” Susanna asked. “Remember, I have an Englisha mamm.”
“The bottom line is that no one can make this decision for you, Susanna. You have to decide for yourself. But I have confidence in you,” said Joey. “I believe you’ll make the right decision when all is said and done. And now, at least—I think I understand what’s going on.”
Emma was grim-faced. “Goot! At least we haven’t wasted our time. I didn’t take this risk just to make more trouble.”
“If there’s trouble over this, don’t worry. They’ll blame it all on me,” Susanna said.
“Come,” Joey said. “I want to hear you play the piano before we go back.”
“Play?” Emma exclaimed. “I didn’t come over here for that.”
Susanna ignored Emma and walked over to the piano bench. Joey followed and leaned against the piano with expectation. Susanna closed her eyes, and her fingers found the keys. She pressed down gently, and a melody soon overflowed into the whole house. The dark weeks that had passed rose in her mind, and the music washed them away. She saw Ernest, and Lizzie, and Martha, and their smiles. Her fingers moved faster, searching for the right sounds.
Her memory returned her to a time when she thought she was purely an Amish girl and she thought her mamm really was her mother. The carefreeness swept over her as the music rose higher. Susanna didn’t hold back—the longing, the love for her people, the friendship with Joey, and the loss, the desire to have back what no longer was, the impossible sorrow of knowing that this never could be. She swept her fingers across the keys one last time and then stilled the piano with both hands.
Joey’s face came into focus in front of her. Susanna stood to her feet and raced for the front door with Joey close behind her. Emma was already there, her eyes round like saucers. Life would never be the same for any of them. She had met a fork in the road—and having chosen a path, she could no longer turn back.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Susanna and Emma stepped out of Joey’s car and hurried toward the parked buggy. Emma climbed in while Susanna turned to Joey and said, “I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve been today, and for—”
He silenced her with a touch of his finger on her lips.
Susanna trembled. Would Joey take her in his arms right here in front of Emma? Besides, weren’t they only friends? And yet, she wanted very much for him to hold her right now. She wanted to feel his strength. She wanted to forget the world that lay only a few short miles down Maple Ridge Road. She never wanted to see Ernest Helmuth again, or hear him speak, and she certainly did not want to say the marriage vows with him this fall.
Susanna took a deep breath. “I have to go back, Joey.”
His eyes searched her face, and he gripped both of her shoulders. “Susanna, I’ll always be your friend, but listen to me. Back there at the house, I heard with my own ears what’s in your heart. You are not what they say you are. You don’t have to marry this man if you don’t love him. There’s a way out. All you have to do is call me. I’ll help you.”
Susanna looked away and said nothing. What was there to say?
“You can break out of whatever is holding you back, Susanna. It’s in you. I know it is. Don’t let them do this to you.” His fingers dug in. “Do you want me to talk to this man?”
“No!” Susanna gasped.
“Then at least be honest with everyone about who you are.” Joey gestured toward the buggy. “Besides, think of Emma. She loves this Ernest. Wouldn’t moving aside and letting her have him be the reasonable thing?”
Susanna struggled to breathe. What Joey said was true. How could she marry Ernest when she knew Emma loved him and she didn’t?
“But how can I leave?” Susanna’s cry rose into the air. “My family is here. The life I know. It’s all I planned for myself.”
“You cannot go on like this,” Joey told her. “I think you know that.”
She reached for him and pulled him close. The sobs came quietly once his arms closed around her. She nestled her head against his shoulder, and the world seemed to float away. How wunderbah it would be to never leave Joey’s side. She could imagine the two of them as they floated off into the bright sky, high above all of this trouble. Oh, if only they could!
Joey’s soft voice broke into her thoughts. “Susanna, you must do something about this. I don’t know what, but something. You can stay at our house temporarily if it comes to that—whenever you’re ready. Mom and Dad would welcome you, and we’d find a more permanent apartment quickly. I have connections, and Mr. Kenny will give you your old job back.”
Susanna cut him off. “Joey, I don’t know what I can do—but you’re right that something has to be done. I have to face things.” Susanna’s voice caught. “I guess that’s what I haven’t been doing. But now I’ll try.”
He opened his arms with reluctance, and she stepped away.
Susanna looked up at him and tried to smile. The effort failed, and she buried her face in his chest again. “Joey, just hold me tight for a moment longer. I know none of this makes sense. I don’t make sense. My life doesn’t make sense! What I’m doing doesn’t make sense, but I guess I was born without sense.”
He rocked her gently. “You will do the right thing. I know you will. And, Susanna—I love you.” He cleared his throat. “I love you, and this will turn out right. I know it will.”
Susanna didn’t dare look at him or she would never leave. How could he say such wunderbah words that soothed her heart? And yet she knew they would be awful words for him to say in front of Daett or Ernest. How could she think of being strong and accepting the love of an Englisha man? That was what she was doing. Ernest had never held her in his arms. And if he had, it wouldn’t be like this.
Susanna pushed away and muttered, “Thank you, Joey, for everything.”
“Be strong now,” Joey called after her.
Susanna still hadn’t looked back when she reached the buggy and pulled herself up to settle on the seat beside Emma. “Is he still there?” Susanna whispered.
“Yah,” Emma told her. “I’m sorry to have overheard some of your conversation. I shouldn’t have been here.”
“It’s okay,” Susanna said. “In a way, I’m glad you were here.”
Emma turned the
buggy around. “Susanna, it seems to me you made your choice today. And for what it’s worth, I think it’s the right one. Not just for you, but for Ernest. We both know he wouldn’t want to marry a woman who could love an Englisha man.”
“Yah,” Susanna agreed.
As Emma drove past Joey’s car, edging her way back onto the road, Joey waved and Susanna leaned out of the buggy to wave back.
“Don’t fall out of the buggy,” Emma quipped. “I wouldn’t want that on my hands.”
Susanna smiled and settled back into her seat with a sigh.
Minutes later, Emma pulled into the Millers’ driveway. “You will tell them then?” she asked Susanna.
Susanna pressed her lips together. “I guess I’ll have to.” She climbed down from the buggy and looked up at Emma with gratitude. “Thank you for being my friend today. I’ll never forget this. I pray you won’t get in trouble.”
“I hope so too,” Emma said with a smile. Then she turned the buggy around and drove off.
Susanna walked up the driveway toward the house, her heart like stone as she thought of what was ahead of her. Daett and Mamm and Ernest must be told that she had sneaked off to meet Joey. If she didn’t tell them, she would feel the weight of her guilt until she confessed. Was Joey worth it? She had only to think of his arms wrapped around her to know the answer to that question.
Susanna forced her feet forward as her mind raced. So much of her life had been half-truths. She once thought she had been born and raised in this house the way her brothers had, but she hadn’t been. She once thought she was an Amish woman, but she wasn’t. She once thought that what Daett wanted was what she would always want, but she didn’t. She once believed that her heart would always be in the community. Now she saw that was wrong too.
Susanna quickened her steps, and Mamm met her at the front door with a nervous smile. “That was a long ride. Did you have a goot time?”
Susanna looked away. “There is something I must tell you.”
Mamm tried to laugh. “That’s an awful serious note after a wunderbah time spent with Emma. Did Emma tell you she has her eyes set on Henry and can’t get his attention?” Mamm teased.
Susanna went into the living room and seated herself on the couch. “We went out to see Joey,” Susanna said, not meeting Mamm’s gaze. The shame of the whole thing turned her cold, and yet she must tell the truth. Emma would if Susanna didn’t.
Mamm’s voice was weak. “You did what?”
“Emma arranged for me to meet Joey this morning, and we ended up going over to his house. That’s what took so long.”
Mamm stared for a long moment. “I’d best get Daett.” Mamm got to her feet and reached for the back of the couch.
Susanna stopped her with a touch of her hand. “Let me tell Daett, please. It’s best that way.”
Mamm didn’t protest. Her face was bloodless when she turned to enter the kitchen, no doubt to busy herself and keep the pain at bay.
Susanna stood, moving toward the front door with her outstretched hand. Tears stung her eyes, and once out on the porch, the afternoon breeze blew across her face. Susanna stopped to feel the coolness rush over her. She hadn’t noticed the wind on the walk in from Emma’s buggy. How much of life was like that right now—buried under a load of sorrow and questions? If she could only move past this point in her life and live the way she had before, carefree and with an open heart. But that couldn’t happen. It was too late.
Susanna moved forward again, slowly walking toward the barn. Perhaps Daett was in there. She opened the door to peek inside. The dim darkness was broken by the soft clink of horse harnesses and the low murmur of voices in the back of the barn. Susanna stepped forward.
Henry’s cheerful voice greeted her first. “Come to help with the manure cleaning, I see. I’d say it’s about time after riding around all morning with Emma.” Henry laughed and stopped to lean on his pitchfork.
Daett’s voice was more serious. “Why don’t you boys take this load of manure out while I speak with Susanna?”
“But it’s not full yet,” James protested.
Henry seemed to understand. “Let’s go,” he told his brother.
The two climbed on the manure spreader and left, sending sober glances back over their shoulders.
Daett stated the obvious. “You have something to say.”
Susanna nodded, unable to speak.
“Perhaps we had best sit down.” Daett didn’t wait for her answer before he took Susanna’s arm and led her to a low wooden bench near the haymow. “Sit,” he said, and sat beside her.
Susanna gathered her thoughts as Daett waited. Finally, she began.
“Emma and I went to see Joey this morning,” she said. “He wanted to talk in depth with me, so we met and he took us to his house.”
Daett was quiet for a moment and then said, “You will have to tell Ernest. He needs to know.”
“Do I have to?” Susanna buried her face in her hands.
“Yah, you will do what is right,” Daett said. He slipped his arms around Susanna’s shoulders and pulled her close. “You will always be my daughter. Nothing will change that, and we can hope Ernest will understand. We just have to figure out how to help you leave the past behind, Susanna. But the Lord will help us.”
Susanna lifted her face toward the silent barn walls, sobs raking her body. Daett’s kindness tore at her. If he had yelled and chastised her she would have understood, but not this.
“I don’t think I can leave it behind. That’s the problem,” she managed.
Daett held her tight and whispered, “Yah, you can. You must. Go now and help your Mamm in the house. I’ll let Ernest know so he can come over after supper.”
Susanna got to her feet, but she couldn’t get a word out. What was there to say?
“We’ll make it through this together.” Daett tried to smile. “That’s what our people do.”
Susanna tore herself away and rushed out of the barn. She slowed her steps once she was in the yard, pausing near the front porch to let more wind blow across her face. Her whole body ached, but she would not think about that right now. She would help Mamm, and work, and work, and work. Maybe that would help ease the pain.
Mamm opened the front door and asked, “Did you speak with Daett?”
“Yah,” Susanna replied. “He will tell Ernest, and Ernest will be over tonight. Until then, I will work and not think. If I think any more, I’ll go mad.”
“We never go mad with the Lord on our side,” Mamm said.
Susanna didn’t respond, but hurried past Mamm to take the stairs up to her bedroom and change into her work dress.
Chapter Twenty-Four
That evening during supper, Susanna had tried to join in the chatter around the table but hadn’t been very successful. Nor had she been able to eat much. Thankfully no one had commented on her obvious distress. Surely her brothers had questions about her talk this morning with Daett and about Ernest’s announced visit later in the evening. The questions went unasked and unanswered.
Once the table was cleared and the boys sent upstairs, Susanna helped Mamm wash the dishes until sounds in the driveway signaled Ernest’s arrival. Daett got up from his rocker and went outside to greet Ernest.
“Come,” Mamm told Susanna. “These dishes can wait until later.”
Susanna stifled her protest and followed Mamm to sit on the couch. They’d wait here until Daett came in with Ernest. What would happen beyond that, she had no idea. Maybe she was expected to get down on her knees, beg for forgiveness, and promise to never see Joey again. That she couldn’t do.
Susanna cringed when the front door opened. She kept her gaze on the floor as Daett and Ernest entered the house.
“Goot evening, Ernest,” Mamm greeted him.
“Please be seated,” Daett said.
Mamm moved from the couch to her rocker as feet shuffled all around her.
“Susanna.” Daett’s voice brought her head up. “I have told Er
nest the whole story, but it would be best if he also heard the words from your own mouth. Confession is goot for the soul.”
Susanna opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
Ernest spoke up. “I want to assure you I’m not forsaking you—even though what happened this morning has shocked me to the depths of my soul. I can’t begin to think what may have caused such an action on your part, Susanna. Your daett assured me there are reasons that we may not understand. Of course, I will expect that the most strict measures be taken with you to keep you accountable, and that a confession be made in front of the ministers when you take your next baptismal instruction class. I’ll speak with Deacon Herman and see that this is requested of you if you don’t volunteer. But I’m sure you will, as your conscience must be bothering you awfully.”
Daett cleared his throat. “You should be very thankful that Ernest is so understanding, Susanna. Not all men would feel this way. Most men would cut off a relationship with you if they heard such news.”
“I want to do my part in Susanna’s search for repentance,” Ernest continued. “The Lord knows that my daughters need a mamm badly. It’s best, I’m thinking, if we work through these problems instead of ending the relationship.” Ernest gave a mirthless laugh. “Our people believe in restoration, so it’s proper and right that we put into practice what we preach. I must say, though, that I never thought we’d get into a situation quite like this.”
From where within her it came, Susanna had no idea—but she found herself sputtering, “Ernest, I’m not sure you’re right. Perhaps we should call the whole thing off. You can leave with no hard feelings from me. As for your girls, I know there are plenty of widows in the community who would love a marriage proposal from you. Any of them could give you the wedding you want this fall and be the kind of frau you need. They would most certainly not be the kind of frau I’d make for you. Surely you can see that.”
“Susanna!” Mamm exclaimed. Shocked silence settled over the living room.
“Did I just hear what I heard?” Ernest asked. “Susanna is picking my next frau for me? Whoever heard of such a thing?”
Until I Love Again Page 15