“Parker? Parker, honey is that you?”
Parker thought she heard tears in the older woman’s voice, but she couldn't be sure. She pushed back her own tears and answered. “It's me,” Parker choked out, not fully trusting herself to say more in that moment.
Janis was openly crying on the other end now. “Oh, Parker. It's so good to hear your voice. I didn't think, well, I didn't know if I ever would again.”
Those words did it for Parker. She let her tears and guilt and grief flow out in a tidal wave of despair. “I'm so sorry, Janis. I'm just so sorry.”
“Shh, Parker, sweetheart. It's okay. Everything is going to be ok,” Janis cooed soothingly and waited for Parker to calm down.
Parker managed to get a grasp on her emotions at last. She was somewhat embarrassed by her outburst, but she also knew it was long overdue. “I'm sorry, Janis. I just, well, I didn't expect that.”
Janis smiled. “It's okay, honey. Parker, it's so good to hear your voice. I can't tell you how much I have missed you.”
Parker felt the weight of her guilt heavily again. “I've missed you too. I'm sorry. I just needed time.” She felt her excuse left much to be desired, but she knew Janis would understand.
“I know, sweetheart. That's why I backed off and tried to give you the time you needed. I just prayed that someday you would make it back, and it looks like you have. I can't tell you how happy that makes me.”
Parker smiled at Janis' calm understanding and acceptance. “I suppose in a lot of ways I have made it back. I know I should have spoken to you earlier, but I can't help feeling that I—failed you. That I failed her.” Parker couldn't mask the pain in her voice.
Janis ached for her. “Oh, Parker. Always taking the weight of the world on yourself. The only one darling, who is responsible for Grace's death, is the man who pulled the trigger. You never failed me, never. I don't blame you, Parker, for what happened. And, sweetheart, neither does Grace.”
Parker felt a peace settle over her soul and it felt like one more piece fit back together in her life. For the first time, she believed Janis’ words. She knew unfailingly that her ability to accept the words had a lot to do with the woman waiting for her downstairs. “Thank you,” Parker whispered into the phone.
“I suppose you received the same letter that I did?” Janis asked. A hint of anger colored her voice. “Five years. Only five years and that—that man is already eligible to get out? To walk the streets free when my baby—” A sob escaped Janis.
Parker wished fervently that she could reach through the phone and take the woman into her arms and comfort her. “I know. I felt the same way when I opened that envelope. It's not fair. Then again, none of this was ever fair. Are you going to attend, Janis?”
Janis was silent for a moment before she answered. “As much as I never wanted to see that man again, as angry as I am—as this whole thing makes me—I think I have to be there. For my Grace. For you, for everyone whose lives were touched and damaged by his violence.”
Parker nodded even though she knew Janis couldn't see the movement. “Yes, exactly.” she finally replied. “I wasn't sure I could at first. I don't really leave my house anymore. But I owe it to Grace—to make sure that the people making this decision remember her name.”
Janis felt a swell of pride rise in her chest at that. “That's my girl,” she said.
Parker smiled. They spoke for a little while longer, catching each other up and just in general enjoying each other’s company. Parker finally gained the nerve to bring up the other reason she had called. “Janis, I wanted to tell you. I've, well I have kind of met someone.” Parker then proceeded to tell her about her accident, meeting Dylan and all that had followed. “I don't know what any of it means, but I know that I care for her. Even if I don't quite know what to do with those feelings yet, if anything.
Hanging up the phone Parker felt a bit of the pain in her chest that was so much a part of her these past five years ease. She felt good about her conversation with Janis, and she was proud of herself for having the courage to make the call in the first place. She also felt good telling Janis about Dylan. She felt a little less guilty about her growing feelings for the woman downstairs. Janis had been nothing short of supportive. She told Parker that Grace would have wanted her to move on. Parker knew that was true, that Grace would have wanted her to be happy. It was true. But the thought of loving someone else terrified her. What if something happened to Dylan? The world was full of evil accidents, and whatever being or deity was in charge or destiny, didn't always play fair. She had lost everything that had ever meant anything to her once. She knew without a doubt that she could never survive going through anything like that again. It would destroy her. The real question was, was she willing to risk it all again? Was it worth it? She thought of Dylan's beautiful, kind eyes and her calming touch. She thought of how she always felt safe when she was with Dylan—safe in her body, and in her heart. So, was it worth it? Maybe. Just maybe it was.
Dylan was worried. It seemed to her that Parker had been upstairs for an eternity. She wanted nothing less than to charge up the stairs and see if everything was alright but she knew that there were some things that Parker had to do on her own. She remembered Cory's words earlier. As much as Dylan wanted to, she wouldn't always be able to protect and shield Parker from her pain. She stopped pacing the floor, knowing it wasn't doing anything but making her more anxious. She resigned herself to the fact that when and if Parker needed her, she would say so.
Parker finally came downstairs and smiled at an anxious looking Dylan.
“Everything okay?” Dylan was trying to sound casual and calm and failing miserably.
Parker smiled at her. “You know, it really is.”
Dylan let go of the breath she had been holding and relaxed. Parker relayed her conversation with Janis to Dylan, including the decision that both of them would be attending the parole hearing.
“Will you be okay, you know, seeing him again?” Dylan asked. Concern and protectiveness were evident in her eyes.
“I honestly don't know what I will feel. But I think I'll be okay,” Parker replied. “I don't relish the fact that I will have to stand in the same room with him, but it's important that the parole board know and remember what he has done. It's up to me. Well, both Janis and I to speak for Grace now. We are her voice. It would help though, if maybe, you could come with me?” Parker sounded shy and almost childlike in her request and Dylan's heart swelled. “I mean, don't feel obligated. You don't have to if you're not comfortable with—”
Parker's rambling was stopped by Dylan's finger on her lips. “I think what you are doing is so brave, Parker. I would be honored to go with you.”
Parker smiled and she breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” she whispered, entwining her hand with Dylan's.
Dylan was struck by how innocent Parker looked in that moment. Beautiful she thought. “You don't need to thank me, Parker. Where else would I be but by your side?”
Parker's breath caught as she looked at Dylan and was surprised to see tears welling up in Dylan’s eyes. Oh, God, she didn't want to hurt this woman. Parker brought Dylan's hand to her mouth and lightly kissed her palm. “How is it, Dylan O’Malley, that you always seem to know just the exact right thing to say?”
Dylan blushed and smiled. “Just lucky I guess.”
“I think I'm the lucky one,” Parker thought but did not say out loud. “Not yet,” she thought. “Let me do this last thing for Grace before I can let her go.”
CHAPTER TEN
Two weeks passed in a whirlwind. Parker finally had her cast removed and was able to make her way around without a cane most of the time. Dylan led her on walks everyday now. The adventures were partly to strengthen Parker's leg but mostly to get her out of the house and among the living again. Every day, they went further, and Parker seemed to be handling the increasing activity in stride and with great determination. Dylan's job was for all intents and purposes done now
, but by unspoken agreement she hadn't left. She did, however, start thinking about whether or not she wanted to return to working in the emergency room. She thought that she might, but put off making a decision until after the probation hearing. Parker needed her, and she was going to be there for Parker. They hadn't shared any intimacy since they had kissed the night Parker had called Janis. They shared looks in quiet moments that seemed to telegraph their thoughts like a neon billboard, but they had kept those thoughts, and everything else to themselves.
Dylan craved Parker in every way. So much so, that there were times she felt she would burst if she didn't reach out and touch Parker—taste her. She was resolute, however, in her decision to let Parker make the next move if there was to be one. Dylan wanted to be everything to Parker. Right now, she sensed that what Parker needed her to be was a sanctuary—a place where Parker felt safe and warm and loved. For now, Dylan was content to play that role. She wasn't sure how much longer she could be around Parker without wanting more. She thought about moving back to her place. She knew that eventually, she would have to do that anyway. The thought of being away from Parker right now, of not being there if Parker should need her was unbearable to Dylan.
Parker entered the room and the peculiar look on her face made Dylan sit up and take notice. In truth, it made her nervous and her stomach began to slowly tie itself in knots. “What's up?” Dylan asked with a lightness she didn't feel.
Parker smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. “Nothing. Well, actually, I was wondering if we could talk.” Parker took a seat next to Dylan, their legs almost but not quite touching.
“Of course,” Dylan replied. “You can always talk to me. You know that.”
“I do—yes,” Parker whispered. “I wanted to talk to you about—well, ask you about us.”
Dylan held her breath for a moment. When Parker didn't continue she spoke softly. “Parker, whatever it is you can talk to me about it. You don't ever have to be scared. Not with me.”
Parker looked Dylan in the eye and saw the truth in that statement and smiled. A real smile graced her lips this time.
Dylan felt the knots in her belly loosen a bit.
“I,” Parker began, her voice sounding low and rough. “I have feelings for you, Dylan. I don't think that's any surprise. Well, that's not exactly true. It surprised the hell out of me. For so long now, all I have been able to feel was hurt. It changed and grew inside of me like a dark creature. Gaining strength by the day. At first, I hated it. It was stealing everything from me. But as time went on and months turned to years, I found myself counting on it. It let me know in some odd way that I was still alive. Every other part of me wished for—longed for death.”
Dylan unconsciously moved to the floor and kneeled in front of Parker. She took Parker’s hand and stroked it gently, silently encouraging her to continue.
“Eventually, without me even knowing it, I grew comfortable with the creature,” Parker continued. She squeezed Dylan's hands reflexively. “It was—familiar. Like an old friend. It somehow made the loss seem less. I wasn't afraid of it, and God knows I was, I am afraid of almost everything else. I know none of this is making much sense.”
Dylan shook her head. “But it does,” she replied softly.
Parker looked at her tenderly and leaned down and brushed her lips across Dylan's cheek. “You do understand, don't you?”
Dylan nodded and briefly shut her eyes.
“When I met you,” Parker began again. “I didn't expect anything to change. It has, though. I have all of these new feelings now and I don't know what to do with them all. I don't know what I want to do with them.”
That last part of Parker’s revelation stung, and Dylan winced.
Parker noticed and cupped Dylan's cheek with the palm of her hand. “Oh, Dylan. Sweetheart, I don't want to hurt you. It's the last thing in the world I want to do. I just, don't know if I can give you all of the things that you want. That you deserve.” The last was said in a whisper and through tears.
Dylan pulled Parker’s hand from her face and kissed it. “No, it's okay. I always want you to be honest with me. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I love you, Parker. I do. I didn't mean for this to happen and I didn't ask for it, but here it is, and I'm not sorry. There is a part of me that wants nothing more than to fill up all the holes in your soul. To push that pain out forcibly and replace it with love—with me. I know though, that as much as I want to, I can't do that. You're the only one with the power to banish your demons, Parker. What I can do though, is stand by your side, and give you a place to rest when you grow so weary that you think you just can't go on. I can do that, and I want to. If you'll let me.”
Parker allowed a tear to escape her eye. “You scare the hell out of me, Dylan. But when you say things like that and look at me like you are looking at me right now, I forget why.”
Dylan smiled and kissed Parker's palm again. “When we're wounded, Parker, we always head for home. Let me be home to you.”
Home. The word had meant so many things to Parker. A sanctuary. A prison. Grace. Could Parker find a home in Dylan as well? She was so confused, and her head was pounding. There were just two days left until the parole hearing. Parker had so many mixed up feelings and emotions inside of her that at times it felt like she was being torn apart. Dylan had been patient with her—wore patient than she deserved if she was being honest with herself. Parker had left the discussion about their relationship with nothing resolved and it ate away at her. She was so tired of feeling conflicted and scared all the time. She was tired of looking at Dylan and knowing she was hurting her by not giving her a solid answer. Dylan swore that she was all right and that they could take things as slowly as Parker needed. But when Parker looked into Dylan’s eyes she could see the pain, the fear and uncertainty that lingered there. She was tired of feeling guilt. She was just so tired. Parker shook her head in an attempt to clear her thoughts. She needed to concentrate on the hearing and what she would say. Each family member would be afforded time to speak if they so desired. Parker wasn't sure if Janis was planning on speaking. Parker intended to speak. She had things to say to this man. Things that she had been holding inside like a ticking bomb for five years now. She just hoped she would be able to organize her thoughts and get them down on paper. She had to put Dylan, and whatever was or was not happening between them aside for now. Grace needed her, and she would not let her down again.
Dylan felt confused and lonely. It seemed to her that Parker had been avoiding her since they had their talk a few nights ago. She didn't want to push but she was afraid she was losing Parker more and more each day. The possibility of losing Parker was breaking her spirit and her heart. She had taken to venturing on long walks on her own, just to think. Probably, if she was honest with herself, she was overthinking. Maybe Parker truly wasn't ready to be loved and to love again. Dylan didn't want to push her. She didn't think she could take the resentment that would surely follow if she pushed Parker too hard, too soon. She couldn't wait forever, though, not with her heart on the line, not even for Parker. She had to place some distance between them. As much as she knew it would hurt her, she didn't think she could do that living in Parker's house with Parker everywhere—with the memories that Parker refused to let go. It was time to go home.
Parker wandered aimlessly around her home. Dylan was on another one of her walks, and if she was honest with herself she was glad. She just didn't know what to say to Dylan. She opened her mouth to speak the words her heart held several times a day and nothing ever came out. A part of her wanted to grab Dylan, kiss her fiercely and tell her that she would never let her go. But the other part, that part that held her demons and her fear wouldn't allow it. What if she did and Dylan rejected her? What if Dylan were taken from her like Grace had been? What if? What if? What if? Parker was so tired of living in the world of “what if.” Of never being able to take a chance without her fear crippling her. She wanted to live again, to love again, she just didn't
know how. She needed a sounding board and it couldn't be Dylan. She picked up the phone, flopped back onto the couch and dialed Samantha's number. If anyone could give it to her straight and pull no punches it was her best friend.
Samantha was worried. She had seen and stood by Parker's side through the darkest times of Parker’s life. She had seen the good and the bad and had sworn there were times when she believed that Parker would never recover. Since Parker had allowed Dylan into her home and her life, Samantha saw a change in her best friend. Parker seemed lighter at times. But as the friendship between Parker and Dylan grew, Samantha worried about the fear and shame she often caught glimpses of on Parker's face. She knew Dylan was good for her friend, could be great for Parker in so many ways. It was really up to Parker to accept what Dylan offered. Sam couldn't make her even welcome Dylan into her life. Sometimes, she wanted to shake her friend and show Parker what she stood to lose. Sam had watched Parker distance herself from Dylan the past couple of weeks. She watched the pair closely when she visited. Parker was running scared and Dylan acted as if her heart was already broken. There wasn't anything Sam could do about any of it. She hoped and prayed that Parker would come to her senses, and that Dylan wouldn't run away before she did. As someone on the outside, it was crystal clear how perfect the two were for each other. Dylan’s her kind eyes and her gentle soul tempered Parker’s anxieties and fear in a way that Sam had not seen—not since Grace died. That thought stopped Samantha in her tracks. Not since Grace. Oh my, God. Now, she knew what terrified her friend so badly that Parker was willing to let go of the best thing that had happened to her in five years. Parker wasn’t afraid of loving Dylan and accepting what Dylan had to offer not because she was different than Grace. Parker was afraid because the two were so much alike. It wasn't the newness of this relationship that scared Parker to death, it was the familiarity. Grace and Dylan, while having many different traits were very much alike in the way that they loved Parker. Parker had lost that love once, and it almost destroyed her. Could she take the chance again? Samantha grabbed her coat off the rack intent on going to see and talk to her best friend. She was just closing the door when the phone ring.
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