He caught Cassie’s eye over the bed of an elderly man, as they each held one of his hands, and mouthed a thank you. Cassie’s answering smile told him she understood. Matt felt like he understood her a little better now, too. The past six years had likely shaped her into the kind, compassionate, observant woman that she was. He could see that being around people like this each week would either change a person for better or worse. It seemed she’d gone for better and found the sweet within her difficult experiences. He guessed that was what held the bitter at bay.
The sweet of his trial has been finding her and Noah. If he could change things, Matt knew he’d still wish Jenna back, but he wouldn’t want the life they’d had before. He’d want to be better, to be the man he was becoming. He also realized that if they hadn’t lost Jenna, he and the boys wouldn’t be here right now. He would never have met Cassie, would maybe never have learned the lessons of the past two months from her. For the first time, he felt grateful he hadn’t been given that choice.
She saved her husband’s room for last, and Matt could see in her body language— refusing to look directly at him, and the anxious way she kept glancing at the clocks in each room— that she’d become more and more tense as the night progressed. Finally, just before they were to go in, Matt touched her arm and pulled her aside as he called to the boys to wait up a minute.
“Maybe Austin, Asher, and I should go now,” he suggested.
“You’re our ride home,” Cassie said, not disagreeing entirely, telling him he’d been right about her conflicted feelings.
“We won’t leave you. We’ll go over to the hospital cafeteria again, see what food the boys launch at each other this time.” He smiled lopsidedly at the memory of that pivotal night.
She considered a moment. “No. I think this is good. I want you to stay, if you want to, that is.” She looked up at him.
“We’re still in,” Matt said, feeling stressed for her, with her, something.
They approached the room quietly. The candy bowl was outside of Devon’s room with the nurse stationed there. “No visitors who aren’t family or friends,” the sign on the door said. As if understanding the solemnity of the situation far beyond their years, the boys quickly took one candy, without pawing through for their favorites as they’d done at other rooms, and walked single file past Matt as he held the door open.
His first look at Devon surprised him. He pictured the photo of the well-built man on Cassie’s bathroom mirror and tried to reconcile it with the man in the bed. His body seemed to have shrunk. He appeared almost small lying there, so very still. Six years was certainly time enough to lose one’s muscle tone and probably a lot else, Matt realized, but Devon also looked like he was simply sleeping.
Unlike Jenna. Before the doctors had realized what had caused her car accident, they’d been working frantically, hoping to save her, and when Matt was finally allowed into that ER room, it had been to find her surrounded by machines and wires and medical instruments. Everything had been removed from her by then, the machines turned off, the life-saving apparatus pushed aside, but it didn’t matter. He’d been able to imagine well enough all the medical interventions that had been put in place in an attempt to save her.
In contrast, Devon’s room held very little medical equipment beyond a single monitor tucked into the corner on the opposite side of the bed. Whatever feeding or other tubes he was hooked up to must have been placed beneath his clothing or the blanket covering him. Devon didn’t move other than the slight motion of his chest as he breathed. Matt was relieved to see that his eyes were closed.
“Hi, Dad.” Noah walked right up to his father and took his hand.
“Happy Halloween, Devon.” Cassie leaned over the bed and placed a kiss on his forehead. “We brought some friends this year. This is Matt, Austin, and Asher.”
The boys looked to Matt, as if uncertain what was expected of them. Was there a movie on this protocol, too? He wished he’d thought about that a bit more beforehand.
Following Cassie’s and Noah’s lead, Matt walked up to the bed, took Devon’s free hand and shook it as best he could. “I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s nice to finally meet the man Cassie talks so much about.”
“Noah, Austin, and Asher are dressed as the Three Musketeers this year,” Cassie said. “Mom helped me sew the costumes, and she made mine, a French aristocrat. I even curled my hair to go with it— I know, you’d be shocked— but the style reminds me a little of how it looked at our wedding. I wish you could see it.”
The wobble in her voice helped Matt forget the awkwardness he felt. Every single week for over six years she’d gone through this, filled with hope and yearning and then what had to be heartbreaking disappointment. Tonight at least, he could help her.
Cassie pulled up a chair beside Devon, then took the hand Noah had just let go of. She pressed Devon’s hand between her own and raised it to her cheek, holding it there, her eyes closed.
It hurt Matt to see this, but not like he would have thought. He hurt for Cassie, not himself. This is her husband, the man she married and loves. And he is still here. Devon’s hand had been surprisingly warm, unlike Jenna’s cold one when Matt had said goodbye to her in the hospital.
Cassie was right. There was still a chance.
For a wild second, Matt imagined shaking Devon’s shoulders and somehow miraculously waking him. Surely Cassie had to have had the same crazy thought before. He wondered if she’d ever acted on it, how often she broke down.
Matt came around the side of the bed near Cassie. “You’ve got quite the wife, Devon, and she does look very beautiful tonight.” He squeezed Cassie’s shoulder lightly. She glanced up at him, a grateful smile fighting to overcome tears that hadn’t fallen. Matt thought he understood. It wasn’t the compliment that had her feeling gratitude, it was someone else talking, someone else trying to reach Devon, someone here at her side while she hurt.
Matt decided he would try. He’d do whatever he could because suddenly, more than anything, he wanted to see her be happy again. Just because his ending hadn’t been happy didn’t mean that hers couldn’t be. He’d never known someone more deserving.
He pulled up a chair next to hers and sat as best he could, his costume riding up to mid thigh and straining at his shoulders.
“Don’t cry, Mom,” Noah said.
Cassie shook her head. “I’m not. Just remembering for a minute, but it was a happy memory.”
Behind Matt, Austin and Asher still stood uncomfortably. Matt beckoned them, and they came to join Noah, all three boys standing side-by-side at the end of the bed.
“Austin, Noah, Asher, you boys are having an experience that most kids your age don’t get to have. You know what it’s like to not be able to be with one of your parents.”
Austin’s startled, angry gaze flickered to Matt’s, and he could see that Austin had picked up on his choice of words, get implying opportunity or something good.
“What you each have to go through is hard, but you can make it into something good, like your mom has, Noah. She loves you so much, and she appreciates every minute she has with you. Austin, Asher, I hope you know I feel the same way about you. Sadly, it took losing your mom for me to learn how important each of those minutes are. You boys can learn that now and can help us grown-ups remember, too. We can all spend our time feeling angry or sad that we don’t have what the other person has, or”— Matt reached out and rubbed his hand along Austin’s arm— “we can be glad for what we do have, even if it isn’t everything. Being here with Noah’s dad tonight is helping me to be glad and grateful.”
It was quite a speech for such little kids, but somehow Matt felt like they got it. Asher nodded solemnly while Noah put his arm around Austin.
Behind Matt, Cassie sniffled, and he was pretty sure it didn’t have anything to do with thinking about her wedding day.
“Why don’t you boys wait in the hall for a few minutes?” Matt suggested. “Just sit outside the door, and you
can each have two pieces of your candy while Noah’s mom and I visit with his dad just a few minutes more. Then if you want to come in again, Noah, you can take as long as you want.”
Six feet exited the room, relief almost evident in their hurried steps. Part of Matt wished he could join them even as another part of him realized he’d just taken control over a situation that wasn’t his to direct.
He faced Cassie, an apology on his lips. “I’m sorry. I should have asked what you wanted us to do. I can go outside with my boys and send Noah in if—”
“Stay.” Cassie’s hand covered Matt’s for a brief second. “Talk to Devon. He rarely hears anyone’s voice but mine, and that’s not even every day. The nurses speak to him sometimes, but it isn’t much. I worry he must be so lonely. He hasn’t heard another man for a really long time. His friends—”
“Didn’t turn out to be so great?” Matt guessed.
“Yeah.” She gave a little shrug, trying to act like it didn’t bother her, but Matt could see how much it did. “People are busy, and doing this is— hard.”
Her voice broke again, fueling Matt with more courage and ambition in this situation than he’d have imagined possible. Squaring his shoulders and silently praying for words— lots of them and the right ones— he began a one sided conversation.
“You’re a lucky man, Devon. Cassie is an incredible woman. She’s more faithful and dedicated to being a wife and a mother than anyone I’ve ever known. She loves you unfailingly. She loves your son, and she does everything she can for him. You. Are. A. Lucky. Man.” Matt leaned forward, elbows propped on the side of Devon’s bed.
“I was a lucky man, too, married to a great woman, one I didn’t really deserve. I have two boys who are pretty darn awesome when they aren’t driving me crazy. I had a nice house; Cassie tells me you were saving for one before your accident. I worked for the Trail Blazers, traveled with them, working the games, wined and dined and had quite the life. Then the floor fell out from under me when I lost my Jenna.” My Jenna. What he used to call her those first, pre-successful career years of their marriage.
“She died without any warning— no sickness, no indication that anything was wrong at all. I wasn’t home when it happened. I wasn’t even in the state.” Matt swallowed with difficulty. Now it was his voice struggling. These were the very memories he’d hoped to avoid tonight, and here he was spilling his guts to a guy who couldn’t respond and maybe didn’t even hear him.
“My last chartered jet was my emergency trip home. It was lucky, I told myself the whole way, that I had such connections and could get there so quickly. I only knew that Jenna had been involved in a car accident and it was serious. When I got to Portland a couple of hours later, I realized how little my ability to fly home quickly mattered. What mattered is that I should have been home before then, should have slept in our bed with my arm curled around her the night before, should have kissed her that morning and told her I loved her, should have treasured every single second we had together instead of wasting so many of them chasing the dream of being the big shot who got to tell the world about a ball going up and down the court.”
Now would have been a really good time for Devon to respond, to concur with Matt’s stupidity, or Cassie could have at least chimed in with some well-meaning but futile words of comfort. There was no comfort in his situation. None was deserved when he’d treated what was most precious so lightly.
That was what he was attempting to share with Devon now. Sure, his situation was different, but time was slipping away for him, too. If there was the slightest chance that he had any control over anything with his body, if there was some part of his conscious that heard and understood, then Matt wanted Devon to hear this, to think and to know and then to find the strength to act so he didn’t lose what is most precious like Matt did.
“I didn’t realize how fortunate and blessed I’d been until I lost Jenna.” Matt forced the words to continue, though he didn’t want to say or hear them. “I blew it, and I don’t get a second chance. What was it you said?” He turned to Cassie.
“There are no do-overs.” Her voice was soft, her eyes misty.
Matt nodded. “No do-overs. Just do betters. So that’s what I’m trying. Your wife is helping a ton with that. She’s gifted at that, helping people. I hope that soon she’s able to do that full time for her job. I also hope that you—” Matt’s voice rose as a swell of energy and emotion pushed its way to the surface. Who is this guy not to wake up? It wasn’t a logical thought, and it wasn’t as if it was Devon’s fault he was in this situation.
“It’s time for you to do better, Devon. You need to open those eyes, look at your wife— really look at her— and figure out how to get out of this bed. She needs you. Noah needs you. You need them, too, whether you realize it or not. Get up. Be a husband; be a father. Take this beautiful woman in your arms and love her like she should be loved.”
Or I will. The selfish thought startled him, so abrupt was its interruption into his previous train of thought. Matt felt more disgust with himself. Apparently, even when face-to-face with Cassie’s evident love for her husband, he could only think of others before himself for so long. If that was the case, he had no business being here any longer. Matt pushed back his chair and stood. “I’ll get Noah.” He headed for the door, eager for fresh air and a better perspective.
“Matt,” Cassie called.
“Yes?” He didn’t stop or turn to look at her.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Though she wouldn’t be if she could see into his thoughts at the moment.
Out in the hall, the boys sat in a circle playing Halloween bingo while a different nurse than had been here previously, this one wearing a silk embroidered dress over her scrubs, called out the pictures to cover.
“Bingo.” Noah placed a piece of candy over a cartoon of Frankenstein.
“Very good.” The nurse leaned forward and dropped a tootsie roll into his bag.
“Perfect timing,” Matt said. “I think your mom’s ready for you in there.”
“Will you watch my candy while I say goodbye to my dad?” Noah held his bag out to Matt.
“Sure.” Matt took the bag, then pushed the door open for Noah. When it had closed behind him, he thanked the nurse for playing with Austin and Asher, then told the boys it was time to clean up. Awkwardly, with his costume riding up again, Matt crouched to help them collect the candy and game pieces. When they’d finished, he stood, just as awkwardly, and handed everything back to the nurse.
“For you boys.” She dropped the candy markers into their bags. “There are donuts and punch at the nurses’ station, if you’d like some.”
“Can we, Dad?” Asher asked, but Austin was already on his way.
“Go ahead. Get one for Noah, too.” Matt imagined how bedtime was going to go— or not go— tonight with all that sugar coursing through their veins.
“It was difficult in there?” the nurse asked, one perfectly manicured brow raising in question as her eyes shifted to Devon’s door.
“Yeah.” Matt pulled his gaze from the boys to her and wondered if maybe she was a volunteer instead of a nurse. She seemed a bit on the old side to be working at a place like this, more like a grandmother instead of a medical professional. There was something familiar about her, too, though he couldn’t quite place what it was.
“You are a good friend to Mrs. Webb to come with her tonight,” the grandmother nurse said.
Matt shrugged. “It’s been a pretty cool evening for the most part. Very eye-opening. I think I’ll understand Cassie better now.”
The woman smiled. “Understanding is good. If anyone needs that, it is Cassandra.”
Matt nodded his agreement. “She just has so much hope that her husband is going to get better, and I worry for her if she ever loses that— if he never does. Get better, that is.”
“Hope is a beautiful thing when it is channeled properly.” The nurse stood and faced him— his ches
t, anyway. She was petite, easily a head shorter, but that didn’t seem to bother her in the least, nor did imparting what Matt could only describe as words of wisdom.
“And if it isn’t channeled properly?” he asked.
“Time and patience.” The woman’s smile was kind, and the lines around her eyes suggested she had experience to back up her advice. “Don’t give up on Cassandra, even when all seems impossible. Don’t give up on her or the two of you.” She glanced toward Devon’s door once more, her expression changing.
“My work here is over for now. Time for me to leave.” With a last smile at Matt, she began walking down the hall as he pondered her odd choice of words. The two of you.
She’d gone but a few steps when she paused and turned back to him, wearing an amused smile.
“You give new meaning to the term— what is it the youth say these days— candy for the eyes?”
“Eye candy?” Matt frowned.
“Yes.” Her gaze traveled down Matt’s Three Musketeers costume to his bare legs and sneakers. “Eye candy. Very good for Cassandra. As is her eye candy for you.” With that, the woman turned away, her laughter floating back to him just as the light overhead caught the sparkle of the pearl comb in her hair.
“What kind of pie would you like for Thanksgiving?” Pen in hand, Cassie added whipping cream to her grocery list. No matter what kind of pie her mother chose this year, they’d need whipping cream to go with it and for that silly pie in the face game Noah always liked to play after dinner. Cassie smiled, anticipating a repeat of the fun tradition.
Her mom paused her work at the computer and swiveled in her chair to face Cassie. “About that, there’s been a change of plans.”
“You want something besides pie this year?” Cassie added mini marshmallows to her list to go over the yams so Noah would eat them. “Would you like cheesecake? Brownies and ice cream? Anything but fruitcake and I’m good. Just tell me what it is so I can add the ingredients to my list. I only want to go shopping once this weekend. Next week I’m not going anywhere near the store.”
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