“I told you,” I said, “potential buyers can’t relax and picture themselves living in the home if we’re there.” I had the women in tow, while the men took off for a local sports bar to watch more football.
“Those buyers had no potential,” Eloise sniffed. “They didn’t have a nice enough car to afford to buy the house.”
“You never know,” I said. After all, Frank and I had nice enough cars and couldn’t afford to keep the place even if our marriage did have any hope of rising from the ashes.
“If nothing else, this showing was the perfect excuse to get Maddie to teach us how to be extreme couponers,” Joyce said, as we pulled into a parking space at the grocery store.
On the one hand, the last thing I wanted to do was set foot in any store after last night, much less be teaching Joyce and Barb how to coupon on actual Black Friday.17 On the other, there was nothing like the all-encompassing mathematical distraction of combining discounts, store specials, and little-known promotions to keep my thoughts from racing.
“I’m all about couponing,” Barb said, her tone a little less convincing than her words. “I just wish I’d had a little time to put on some makeup.”
“Tell me about it.” Eloise fidgeted with the ponytail holder she’d had to put in her wet hair in lieu of a blow dry and flat iron. “At least you aren’t at risk of running into like everyone you know from high school on the one day you’re home looking like—”
“You look beautiful,” Joyce said to Eloise. “A touch of lipstick and you’re runway material.”
Eloise rolled her eyes but smiled.
“We’ll keep this on the down low as much as possible,” I said, not relishing being seen in my own less-than-stunning ensemble of hot pink velour sweats and baseball cap. “And today I’ll only be able to show you a few basics to get you started.”
“I’m ready!” Joyce said, reviewing the printout I’d given them of a blog I’d written a few months back about coupon clipping for beginners:
You don’t have to be an extreme couponer to save 25–50% on groceries. Just follow the simple tips below and your grocery bill won’t feel so much like a mortgage payment.
—88% of all coupons issued can be found in weekend circulars, so pick up extra copies of the Sunday paper and use them!
—Clip coupons in multiples, but only on products you’ll actually use or can get for less than zero by combining store specials with other offers. Remember, if you end up throwing a product out (or don’t donate it to a worthy cause like a food bank), you’ve wasted money.
—Organize your coupons in a file by product type and expiration date.
—Before you set foot in a grocery store, research national and local online couponing sites that help keep track of where your coupons match up with the best sales. You can also download apps and get digital coupons on your smartphone.
—Know how much the items you buy most frequently cost when they are on sale. Create a price bible to make notes on the best pricing and keep it with you when you shop so you can stock up when prices are cheap.
—If you aren’t brand loyal on a particular item, try store brands. They cost less.
—Use those store loyalty cards! If you do, you’ll not only save money, but stores share info with marketers who will pass along savings opportunities targeted specifically to your shopping habits.
Grabbing my coupon binder and price bible, I led Joyce, Barb, and Eloise toward the store and through the automatic front doors.
“Where should we start?” Barb asked.
Even though I didn’t usually set foot into a grocery store on Fridays 18 and certainly not without having done my research, I’d come up with something of a plan for Barb, Joyce, and Eloise on the fly.
“Okay,” I said, leading them over to the shopping carts. “If you’re going to be a couponer, you have to not only be willing to change the way you shop, but the way you eat and plan meals.”
Barb scrunched her nose. “Meaning what?”
“No more afternoon runs to pick up something interesting for dinner.”
“I hate going to the store hungry, so I always plan ahead and shop for the week,” Barb said.
“That’s a start, but do you shop by what you feeling like eating or what’s on special?”
“What I feel like having, I guess.”
“That’s a no-no too. So is that huge monthly trip to the local wholesale club for a giant jar of relish that will sit in the refrigerator uneaten for the next five years.”
“We always go through the snack chips and the bottled waters I buy there, though.”
“At a four-thousand-percent mark-up?”
Barb looked incredulous. “What?”
“Bottled water by the case can wind up costing you more per unit than gas for the car because it takes about five bottles of water just to make the plastic for one bottle. You’re better off purchasing a filter and drinking water out of a glass.”
“We eat out almost all of the time,” Joyce said. “So I don’t waste money on almost any of that kind of stuff.”
“Dining out is, by far, the least cost-effective way to eat,” 19 I said, although in her case, there was also a food palatability cost/benefit analysis to be considered as well. “If you want to save big on your food bill, not only should you mostly cook at home, but buy according to what’s on sale with coupons—and then stock up while it’s cheap.”
“Good thing I’m living in the sorority house,” Eloise said. “This couponing stuff hurts my brain.”
“I’m going to make it easy,” I said, particularly for Eloise who’d not only inherited the Michaels blue eyes and dark curls, but their penchant for bright, shiny, costly things. “Assume you have twenty dollars, then use whatever coupons you want from my binder to purchase the following staples and dinner fixings for tonight …”
I pulled a notepad from my purse, handed out pieces of paper and pens, and listed off the items: “Toothpaste, deodorant, yogurt, any kind of beverage, at least a pound of meat/poultry or fish, a side dish, cereal, a vegetable, pain reliever, and one item of your choice.”
“Let’s roll!” Joyce said, a smile straining her taut cheeks. She opened my binder to the table of contents page.
“Just make sure you take the coupons that are closest to their expiration date and leave everything in order.”
As Barb and Eloise joined her, I replaced the notepad and pens they’d handed back and grabbed my smartphone from my purse.
Eloise looked up. “Did she respond yet?”
There were no new texts or missed calls, but there were a few new emails, including two new potential advertisers.
Nothing from CC.
Nothing from anyone who wanted to contribute a remembrance about Cathy.
“Not yet, but it hasn’t even been a half hour.”
“Did who respond yet?” Barb asked, a fistful of coupons in hand.
“Her Mrs. Frugalicious stalker,” Eloise said.
“Or anyone who knew Cathy Carter,” I quickly added.
“You know Contrary Claire’s gonna have a field day about last night when she does post something.”
Joyce shook her head. “I really do find it hard to believe a person like that is harmless.”
“She is now that everything she says is blocked,” I said, putting away my phone and confirming that my favorite checker,20 Yvette, was at her usual register on the far side of the store. Since I always shared coupons and specials with her, I knew she wouldn’t mind a few quick sample transactions along with my real one. “Let’s meet and compare carts by aisle thirteen in, say, twenty minutes?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Joyce said.
“Want to do this together?” Barb asked Eloise.
“Sure,” Eloise said. “I guess.”
I waited for the three of them to scatt
er throughout the store before heading toward health and beauty aids. Included in this weekend’s promotions was a big-name national brand of deodorant at buy-one-get-one free (BOGO) at the store. (Someone in marketing was obviously sensitive to the perspiration and body odor needs of the nation’s holiday hostesses in the face of the stressful onslaught of family). Since I’d also found manufacturer’s coupons for the same deodorant online, I grabbed 4 at a cost of exactly $0.38. I made quick work of the rest of the list, including 5 tubes of a lesser-known brand of toothpaste in the small size for a $1.19 with a dollar off coupon for a total of $.95, two containers of yogurt on special, and a catalina 21 for $5.00 off my total order. Barb and Eloise had taken most of the frozen vegetable coupons with, but fresh green beans were on sale for 75 cents off a pound, so I bagged two pounds.
After filling my cart with sports drinks, multiple boxes of cereal, store-brand cold medicine, and a two-pound chub of ground turkey reduced for quick sale, I made my way to our meeting spot at the front of the store, where I figured I’d be waiting another ten minutes.
Joyce was already there, checking her lipstick. “My stars,” she said, spotting me in the reflection of her compact mirror. “All that for just twenty dollars?”
“Under seven dollars,” I said. “That is, assuming I’ve calculated correctly.”
“I’m impressed,” she said.
“I could say the same,” I said, glancing into her cart. One read-through of my tips and Joyce had a half-full cart that included the economical store-brand bagged cereal, coupon/ store promo combo on Rice-A-Roni, Greek frozen yogurt complete with coupon, and reduced bagged broccoli I’d determined to be the second-best value per pound in the produce department. “You’re a quick study.”
“Beginner’s luck.” She winked.
We stood together in silence for a beat.
“You know, Maddie …” she finally said.
Judging by the consternation that crossed her face, I was fairly sure I didn’t want to know whatever was coming next, and that the subject might well involve the one topic I’d tried not to discuss with anyone bearing the last name Michaels—aside from my children, of course—since the news of our split broke.
I just assumed Frank filled his family in on the particulars. Judging from their lack of commentary and abundance of good behavior since they’d arrived, there was little they felt they could say in his defense.
What if Frank truly meant what he’d said about making it up to me and the children? Difficult as our money troubles were, it was hard to blame him for being duped by a financial conman. Having a notorious public affair was a completely different story, though. I’d never forget, or even forgive, but could I move forward for the good of everyone if I thought he really could turn over a new leaf ?
The divorce butterflies returned with a vengeance as Joyce took a deep breath …
Thankfully, my cell phone pinged.
“It’s just my text alert,” I said, both startled by the sound and grateful for the interruption. I swallowed the nervous lump in my throat and looked at the message.
Where are you grocery shopping?
“It’s Frank,” I said.
Joyce nodded and seemed to almost smile.
Saveaway by the house, I responded.
That’s what i figured.
Why? Do you need something?
Stasia does.
I hadn’t thought to contact Anastasia yet since I knew she was on the air, but given her involvement in the story and the fact that her fiancé was acting police chief, Anastasia had to have the most up-to-the-minute information on what had happened and who exactly it had happened to. I want to talk to her too. I’ll call her.
No need. She’s on her way over to you.
_____
Anastasia materialized mere minutes later with a fresh cameraman in tow, and no sign, even up close, of the dark circles Joyce had quickly erased from under the rest of our eyes using makeup from the cosmetics bag 22 in her purse. “The producers were so impressed with how you handled yourself last night that they want to run a series of segments featuring Mrs. Frugalicious bargain shopping all weekend long!”
“How wonderful!” Joyce said.
“But I’m just at the grocery store to kill time while the realtor shows the house.”
“Which will make a perfect segment for today,” Anastasia said.
“You don’t think viewers might see this as a little indelicate given what happened last night?”
“We’re going to introduce the segment with a recap of last night and your role as a Good Samaritan in the aftermath,” she said, with equal parts empathy and journalistic matter-of-factness.
Did she not remember that my last turn as a Good Samaritan almost landed me in prison?
“And what about Cathy Carter?” I asked.
“We’ll run her photo along with the piece,” Anastasia said. “We’re also putting together a human interest bit on her, despite the fact that she really wasn’t all that interesting.”
“Meaning what?” I asked.
“She was forty-eight, married, no kids, lived in Denver less than two years, and was unemployed.”
Which explained, at least in part, the lack of commentary on my website.
“You ready, Stasia?” the cameraman asked.
She nodded. “Ready.”
Before I could ask Anastasia what she knew about Cathy’s friends, what they thought of her, or even how the husband was doing, she smiled her megawatt smile.
And we went live.
“I’ve just caught up with Maddie Michaels, AKA Mrs. Frugalicious, who is trying to recover from last night’s rattling events at Bargain Barn with a little retail therapy …”
“To the extent that’s possible,” I said, and once again—despite the baseball cap covering my not-ready-for-primetime hair—the camera zoomed in on me. But, unlike Barb and Eloise, also in the shot and looking like they wanted to die, my on-air endorphins kicked in once more. “And so did my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and stepdaughter, who were helpful in keeping things under control last night. Since they wanted to learn how to save big on groceries while they’re here for the holidays, I gave them a list of ten random items, a budget of twenty dollars, and full use of my binder and price bible,” I said holding it up for the camera. “We are about to go through the checkout line and see how everyone did.”
Yvette the checker smiled for her close-up and began to scan the items in the Barb/Eloise cart.
As the total climbed toward $20, I added some color commentary:
“They’ve done a nice job of using coupons to save money on deodorant, toothpaste, and cereal, which will ultimately keep them from going over budget, but they’ve made a couple of common mistakes that will keep their total higher than it needs to be. For one thing, pre-cut items—veggies, fruits, sandwiches—are always more costly, even on special. For another, convenience items like light bulbs tend to cost more at the grocery, so it’s best to save that kind of coupon and use it at the hardware store.” Yvette scanned the last of their items. “And brand-name cereal is approximately forty-three cents per serving while generic runs twenty cents, so unless you have a discount for more than half off, it’s almost always better to buy the no-name brands.”
“All great tips,” Anastasia said, as the total rang up to a respectable $19.79 and the checker moved on to Joyce’s purchases.
“Now, my mother-in-law here has a real knack,” I said.
Joyce beamed as Yvette rang up her multiple tubes of toothpaste, the small 75%-off turkey in her cart, and a six-pack of sparkling soda for which she used a peelie.23 Her total was teetering around sixteen dollars before coupons when two mistakes upped her total. “Greeting cards are very convenient, but they come at a two-hundred percent markup. Better to make them at home,” I said, as Yvette rang up Joyce’s last item.
“And name-brand pain relievers are generally thirty to forty percent more than generics. Look for a sale on your store’s brand, combine it if you can with any online coupons that reduce your overall total, and stock up then.”
“Great tips once again.” Anastasia said as Joyce totaled up to $14.37. “Now let’s see the master at work.”
The camera filmed as I unloaded my mostly full cart. “I generally try to shop on Tuesdays or Wednesdays to take advantage of store specials and/or double or triple coupon days, but by knowing what’s on special, combining those deals with coupons in my binder, and keeping up with downloadable discounts, you’ll always save, no matter when you shop.”
The camera zoomed in on the register readout as I handed over my coupons. As Yvette scanned, my total plummeted precipitously from an original grand total of almost $40.
The crowd that had gathered around us began to clap when they saw the register readout:
$6.89.
“Outstanding,” Anastasia said. “From Saveaway, this is Anastasia Chastain, with Mrs. Frugalicious and some great grocery shopping tips.”
_____
“You’re gonna be as famous as Dad soon,” FJ said, helping to unload the groceries while I prepared to put them away in the spare basement bedroom I’d converted into a stockpile room 24 for my ever-growing supply of non-perishable food, health and beauty aids, and housekeeping supplies.
“Maybe you’ll get rich enough that we can keep the house,” added Trent, whom I’d also enlisted to help after sending Joyce, Barb, and Eloise to their various quarters for some long overdue rest.
“It would be nice if we could, guys, but we really don’t need this much space, anyway.” I ran a feather duster across the boxes, cans, and bottles already lining the shelves, circled the expiration dates on each item, and put everything away by category. Divorce or no, I was saving so much by couponing that tapering off for the inevitable move made little sense. Particularly given the financial strain of paying the mortgage while it lingered on the market waiting for that buyer who not only loved the house (as the current lookie-loos had written on the comments clipboard) but drove a car that corresponded with the healthy checkbook that might allow them to buy it. “At least Mrs. Frugalicious is getting some positive exposure in the midst of everything.”
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