How I manage not to moan is a mystery to me. I feel I’ve earned a medal for it.
Connor isn’t done yet. “However, your continued rude attitude to my date leaves me feeling like I need to speak with your boss about how you treat customers.” His gaze moves past her toward some point behind me and he takes a sip of his water. The indication that the conversation is over isn’t subtle. I stare at him, wondering why the hell he’d stand up for me like that. Zac would have been flirting with her and maybe even getting her number on the down low while I was in the restroom or something.
This guy who kidnapped me has more regard to how I should be treated than the guy I’ve been dating for more than year. What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The waitress turns to me with the fakest smile I’ve ever seen. “I’m sorry,” she says, but I’m not going to stoop to the level of cat clawing and hissing that often comes with this kind of bullshit.
“Me, too,” I say, genuinely sorry for whatever is making her act this way. I’m sure she has a reason. Just because I don’t know what it is doesn’t make it lass valid. “I didn’t take into account that maybe you’ve had a bad day. I hope that everything is going well for you.”
Connor stares at me, his eyebrows furrowing a bit, as if he’s trying to figure me out.
“What?” I ask, “Everyone has bad days. We don’t know that she isn’t having a bad day.”
The waitress leaves quickly and I see Connor’s surprise as he looks into her face and back at me again. And I feel the need to explain myself.
“When Zac cheated on me, I hated all women. I wanted to hit on all guys to feel better. I wanted to know I was still attractive.” Even now, the memory hurts. I’d trusted him, I’d gone to bat for him against friends that I don’t have anymore. He’d betrayed me deeper than anyone ever has before. I’d lost friendships over it. I’d lost a hell of a lot of myself, too.
“He cheated on you?” Connor’s looking at me like he hardly believes anyone would want to sleep with Zac, period. Which is kind of amusing.
But he doesn’t understand all of the issues I’m going to be facing. “It sounds stupid, I know, but I feel that daddy’s going to be disappointed in me; he likes him.” Once he finds out I dumped Zac, there will be hell to pay. I’m sure there already is, actually. I just don’t know it yet because my phone is back at the hotel room.
God, I hope dad doesn’t drop everything and come out here because Zac tells him I’m cheating. How humiliating.
“I doubt it.” Connor says, but he doesn’t know my dad. “I think he wants you to be happy,” He says.
But there’s more to it than that.
“Maybe,” I say, not feeling like it’s possible. I mean, I’m sure he wants me happy, as long as my happiness fits into his narrow view of things that should make me happy. Which generally don’t line up with things that actually make me happy.
I take a bite of salad and comment on it, “I don’t normally eat-” I look up and he’s staring at me like he’d like nothing more than to spread me out on this table and eat me instead of the rest of his dinner. “What?” I ask, feeling lightheaded with all the excitement swirling through my body at the thought of his lips on the most sensitive flesh I have.
“I’m enjoying myself,” He says, his tone serious. The words make me happier than they really should. It’s such a simple compliment, but coming from those lips in that voice, it feels like an honor of the highest sort.
“Me, too,” I say, smiling like an idiot. I bet he’s thinking about what an idiot I am right now. But that’s okay, because I am an idiot. Not just because I’m grinning like a fool, but also because we’re not here on a date. I’m not here because I even want to be. Not really. I’m here because he’s protecting himself and making sure I’m not a threat.
It doesn’t matter how much I’m enjoying myself, this man would never even seriously consider a girl like me. After meeting Zac, he likely thinks I’m too stupid to live, much less date. I stare at my plate, hating myself and the mess my life has become as I mess with a soggy rogue fry.
It’s not fair. I like Connor. I mean, really like him. The deep conversations we’ve had shows a side of the man that not only makes him more attractive, but more frightening. He’s willing to do evil things for the people he loves. More than I think most people would. And while that’s scary, it’s also kind of nice.
Especially since I feel like my dad would do anything for Zac. When he hears about what’s going on, I bet he blows a gasket at me.
As if we’re deciding together, we both rise from our seats.
For a moment, I expect Zac’s voice to say “Oh, babe, I forgot my wallet, would you get this?” But no, I glance over at Connor who drops a couple hundreds on the table and takes my arm. I arch an eyebrow at him and he lifts his shoulders.
“I’m taking a bit of your philosophy here,” he says, his arm around my shoulder in a protective manner that’s likely meant to keep me from running, but it feels so very protective. “I don’t know if she’s having a bad day. Maybe that will help.”
I smile, but inside, I’m aching. He’s amazing. And not mine.
Chapter 22
Connor
We both stand up as if of one mind. I take out my wallet, not even considering allowing her to pay. I bet that piece of shit Zac made her pay for their meals out many times over. If not every damn time. While it’s not really a date, I feel more of a connection with her than I have most of the women I’ve taken out for real.
I take two hundred dollars out of my pocket. It’s overkill for the bill, which is only seventy for our meals. The place isn’t glamorous by any stretch, but that’s why I like it. It’s a solid reminder of how very lucky I am. And it’s kind of a relief to not be in a place where everyone suffers affluenza and better than thou attitudes. It’s nice to pretend to be normal.
Jane looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind and I realize she’s aware that I’m over tipping. I worry she might think I’m flirting, so I decide to be honest for honesty’s sake. What she said resonated with me and reminded me to remember that other are also human. And to error is human. None of us are perfect, and it’s always better to be kind than angry.
“I’m taking a bit of your philosophy here,” I tell her, draping an arm around her shoulders because I want her closer. There’s just something about her that’s wonder and pure, sweet and flame. “I don’t know if she’s having a bad day. Maybe that will help.”
A sad smile lights Jane’s face and I know something is bothering her. As we walk out, I decide to do something I would never have dreamed of before; I ask what she’s thinking that’s making her sad. Well, kind of.
“Something is bothering you,” I say and she looks up at me in surprise.
The shadows in her eyes darken and I wonder if she’s going to be honest or blow me off. I wouldn’t fault her for blowing me off. I get that it’s hard to be honest and discuss things that aren’t pretty. Especially with a near stranger.
Then again, if I think about it, maybe it’s easier to talk to a stranger. If she’s being judgmental about my life I can still comfort myself knowing she’ll be gone in a week and I’ll never see her again.
The thought hits me like a blow to the gut and I realize I want to see her again. I want this connection I feel between us to be real.
“Just… this,” She says, gesturing to us. And I get it. She’s aware this is all a sham. And as much as I don’t want things to end, I also know that it’s a good idea to let her go. She’s not a threat. The only reason I’m still clinging to her is because on some level, I hope I can make her realize that there’s something between us that we should explore.
But I can’t force her. If she’s not feeling it, or doesn’t want me, I should accept that. Right?
As we head back toward our rooms, I decide to do the right thing, as much as everything in me argues against it. I could keep her. I could intimidate her into staying. I could force her to stay, to keep up
the appearance of dating. I could, given enough time, make her fall in love with me.
I need to let her go before I give into the thoughts pummeling me.
“Thank you for the date,” I say gently as she looks up at me in surprise. The flash of heat in her eyes at my calling it a date is unmistakable. It's also almost enough to undo me.
I push forward before I can change my mind. “You’re free to go. I only ask,” I say, feeling her whole body stiffen, “That you not discuss my personal life. And I, of course, won’t discuss yours.”
We walk on and she pulls me toward the dock that leads out into the ocean. I notice the place is nearly empty as the skies look like they’re going to open up and pour at any moment now. The waters are rolling and crashing against the wooden posts holding the pier in place and overhead, gulls laugh at the people moving away from the beach for fear of rain.
To my surprise, she pulls out of my grip and throws her arms around my shoulders. Her lips meet mine and I feel every inch of her pressed to my body. She feels like heaven and hell, sweet sin and beautiful wickedness.
Her tongue meets mine and I feel every part of me responding to her. This wasn’t part of the plan. But fucking hell, I’m loving it.
Her lips move against mine and I plunder her mouth like a starving man. It’s all I can do not to drag her back to my place and shove her onto my bed to take what she’s so sweetly offering. She’s a god damned drug and I’m desperate for a fix. My hands find her ass and I forget we’re in public as she breaks the kiss to pull my lower lip into her mouth.
Just as quickly, reality snaps back and thunder rolls through the air. The impending storm makes Jane begin to tremble, and I feel the change in the air before the rain begins to pour on us. A flash of lighting splits the sky and she lets out a little squeal before I give her a quick kiss.
Her hair begins to mat to her head and I feel the heat rising off her body as the rich scent of wet earth and ocean overtake my senses.
“Connor,” she whispers, the sound almost a moan that proves she’s lost to this as much as I am. I give her another quick kiss and know it’s time to leave. If I don’t, I never will.
It feels like losing everything as I turn and walk away from her.
Only when I’m safe in my room do I begin to think on what’s happening in my life. The hopeful sense that maybe the horrors are finally over fills me. Cami isn’t a threat. She’s clean, she’s sober, and she’s the first one to say she’s fucked up but won’t again. And while I don’t trust her at her word, I pride myself on my ability to read people.
She’s not someone I’m going to worry about any more.
But it goes beyond that. I need to make amends for what I did to her. I think I know how; Jane made a valid point.
I strip out of my wet clothes and head toward the shower, a plan forming in the back of my mind. Jane was right; both parents need to be there for that little girl. Olivia deserves both her mother and father in her life.
It's going to take some serious work to get Kieran to pull his head out of his ass and work out some kind of co-parenting plan. But if I leverage things just right, he’ll come to see that I’m right. That Jane is right.
Lightning strikes outside as I step into the steaming shower. Walking away from Jane might have been the stupidest thing I ever did. Even now, the look in her eyes as I pulled away eats at my soul.
But I did what I felt was right. So why does it still feel all wrong?
Chapter 23
Jane
“Thank you for the date,” Connor says, his voice all honey and heat.
Date? Why does that thought send so much liquid heat through every inch of me? I feel like I’m some damned horny woman desperate to be fucked by this hunk. He makes me such a mess. I want him in my life despite the fact that he’s not, by any stretch of the imagination, a good guy.
Hadn’t Zac touted himself as a good guy? Maybe there’s no such thing as a good guy. Everyone has some deep, dark secrets. At least I see Connor’s. He’s not hiding or lying like Zac did. All the ugly truths are already out there between us. And I still feel something for him. Something I can’t describe, but it’s good.
“You’re free to go. I only ask,” he says, his tone serious as his incredible blue eyes stay locked on mine. “That you not discuss my personal life. And I, of course, won’t discuss yours.”
We walk past the dock that I’d been hating on earlier. The sounds and smells of the ocean are wonderful, and the sky looks like it’s battling out between rain and sunshine. That battle rages on inside me and I back out of Connor’s grasp.
He seems surprised as I wind my arms around his shoulders and press my lips to his. My whole body melts into him and pleasure begins inching through me. This is what I want. He’s what I what I want.
Strangers flow around us, headlined toward shelter form the impending rain, but I’m right where I want to be.
My tongue seeks his out and I feel him stiffen against my belly. It’s incredible, the response he has to me, and the one I have to him. Our bodies seem to know what to do, even if our brains are telling us this is a bad idea.
His tongue searches my mouth and I give over to him. He can be in charge, I’ll gladly let him do what he wishes. His hands find my ass and I feel the change in his posture as he holds my sagging body upright. My knees seem to have forgotten how to hold me up, and every part of me feels like it’s melting into his grasp.
The kiss ends and I pull his lower lip into my mouth, enjoying the response of his body. He’s hard, ready for me, and there’s nothing I want more than him right now, in this moment.
Thunder crashes overhead and I jolt in shock. Then the rain is pummeling on my head and every bit of my body. I look up into Connor’s eyes, loving the heat I see there. Rain streams down his forehead and gathers on his dark lashes and I study him, wanting to commit this moment to memory.
A flash of lighting startles me and I jolt with a little noise. Icy hot prickles run over my flesh as everything tells me to get in out of the storm. But I can’t. I’m hopelessly trapped by this man. And I love it.
Even as the scent of rain begins to block out the ocean, he continues to dominate my senses. His cologne, the scent of his wet skin, the smell of heat on him… he’s delicious.
“Connor,” I moan, needing more of him. I need everything. I don’t want to go home alone, I want to go with him. I understand and appreciate what he’s trying to do, to prove he’s not holding me hostage, that he trusts me, but what about what I want?
He presses a kiss to my lips and pulls back. There’s sadness in his expression as he turns and walks away.
It feels like my heart is imploding.
With heavy feet and an even heavier heart, I head out on the dock. Wind whips my shorts and shirt despite the wet weighing them down. At the end of the thing, I sit down and dangle my legs over the edge.
Below, I see the sea churning with the storm. Ever since I was a little girl, I’d considered just scooting off the doc. I’m not sure why. It’s not a death wish or anything. It’s more of a test of will. The water is ice cold. Would I have the strength to swim to shore? Would I sink or would I swim?
I’d sink. I’m not strong enough to push back against that much pain, that much fear, that much cold. I’ve never been one to rock the boat. I’d prefer to live in peace than make life uncomfortable. But then again, I’m pretty sure everyone feels the same way. We get comfortable. Even in bad situations; change is hard.
I back off the edge and head toward my room. Once inside, I hear the shower next door running and I walk over to the wall I’d been listening against a lifetime ago and press my ear to it. It feels like a lifetime ago. Was it really only a few hours since all that had happened? It feels like forever.
I move toward my own bathroom and strip away my wet clothes. The shirt peels off and I look at myself in the mirror. My breasts are on the small side, but I like them. They suit me, they’re perky, and I can go without a bra.
My shorts land on the floor with a wet plop and I study the way my hip bones jut a bit, the way my waist tucks in so neatly, the rounded curve of my hips. I’m not perfect by any means, I’m a bit skinny, I don’t have as much muscle tone as I’d like, my hips are oddly wide for my chest size and don’t seem to match the rest of my body.
But I don’t care. Connor seemed to like my shape, too. I remember his hands on me, the way he’d kissed me, the intensity of his eyes as he intimidated me. Nothing has ever been as sexy to me as that fear and lust cocktail.
I dry off with my towel and dress in dry clothes, all the while thinking of Connor.
Three days. That’s how long I’ve been sitting here, listening to Connor through the wall. But he’s wiser now; he’s leaving the TV on while he talks on the phone. But I still hear him come and go, I hear him shower even, and at night, I hear him tell me good night. Every night.
Every morning, he’s there with a good morning that is like a whisper in my sleeping ear that wakes me in a haze of hope he’s here beside me in bed.
But he never is.
And it kills me.
Chapter 24
Connor
Three days.
I’ve managed to be away from her for three days.
Every second is torture. I know she’s over there listening to me.
But I’ve also made headway.
Yesterday, I talked to Kieran. After a lengthy conversation about Cami, he’s decided to take my advice to reach out to her. He’s going to call her – I gave him her number – and will have a tentative conversation about letting her back into her daughter’s life. He did warn me that it’s ultimately up to Olivia if she even wants to see her.
Which I respect. Olivia is old enough to make a decision like that, and I know Kieran won’t pressure her to go about it the way he wants her to. I love that he puts her first. It’s a trait I admire. One I hope that I’m able to replicate if or when I have my own kids.
Steal Me (Longshadows Book 1) Page 75