by Ginny Aiken
“She’s okay,” Jeff practically spat out. “She met up with some of her biker buddies, in some bar nearby, and took off for California. Says she wants to be free again and that her new man doesn’t want Kenny around.”
“Her new man? Jeff, she’s been gone two days.”
“It’s the drugs talking, Mattie. Don’t try to make sense of it. I want to be with you, to pray with you, and just have your support. Can you take the day off?”
“I think I’ll have a little time, Jeff. Mrs. Cox probably won’t want me back.”
“I’ll pay you whatever she was paying you to paint Kenny’s room. Then we’re together, and you’re not out a job.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I couldn’t take your money. Especially not in a situation like this. I’m a Christian. I did what I vowed to do for Mrs. Cox, and I tried to please her, but it’s over now.”
“Meet me at my grandmother’s, will you? I’m going over there to tell Kenny now that his mother is gone for awhile.”
“I’m praying, Jeff.”
Jeff explained everything to Kenny, and with adult awareness the child nodded and complied. The ease at which he took the news only reiterated that Jeff was doing the right thing. He’d come back to Heaven with two goals: to help Kenny grow up and to court the only woman he’d ever loved. Now that he was ready to start a family, not as he’d once planned, but a family just the same, he needed to let Mattie understand his love.
The last thing he wanted was for Mattie to think he needed a mom for Kenny and she would do. He questioned God’s timing on his family’s chaos and prayed with his whole heart that his sister would get help. Jeff’s grandmother prepared hot dogs for their lunch, and it wasn’t long before Mattie’s car pulled up in the driveway. He walked to her car and opened the door. Mattie’s fresh complexion and sage green eyes glistened under the hot Arizona sun. Her freshness was so inviting; she was like the morning dew on a summer peach.
Jeff clutched her in an embrace. “Mattie, thank you for coming.”
Mattie talked into Jeff’s shoulder, muffling her voice yet bringing him an intimacy with her he’d dreamed of countless nights. “I know you wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t bad.”
He pulled away; his heart was caught in his throat. How could he be so happy and yet so miserable at once?
“It’s hard to imagine Joanie will ever turn away from drugs now. If Kenny wasn’t enough to make her want to change, what else is there?”
“There’s God. And you’re underestimating Him. Joan’s only been away from Kenny for a weekend. Things could change overnight.”
“Let’s go grab breakfast. Kenny is at the pool with my grandmother and a group of her friends. They’ll be gone until lunch, and we have yet to finish our date.”
Mattie looked down at her paint-laden shorts and T-shirt. She brushed her hair from her face, and the motion moved Jeff to his core. “Do you think I’m dressed okay to go out? Should I go home and change first?”
“No!” Jeff said too abruptly. “We have tried this date twice before, and today I’m going to finish it. You would look beautiful in a garbage bag, and we’re going out.” He grabbed her arm and his keys, and they were soon headed toward town.
Jeff pulled into a small pink shopping center and parked near a natural-type breakfast spot. He mentally thought about the meetings he was missing today and which clients would have to be rearranged. But he needed this. Mattie was one of the main reasons he’d come back to Heaven, and for one day he intended to show her his seriousness.
“Do you like Angel’s?” Jeff asked, pointing toward the restaurant where he could already smell the strong cinnamon from the signature tea.
“I love it. Breakfast out is such an indulgence. I can’t remember the last time I did it.” Mattie licked her upper lip. “Here I thought I’d be spending my day painting a ceiling for a spoiled child, and instead I’m eating breakfast out with an incredibly gorgeous man. Life holds so many wonderful surprises.”
The smile on her face appeared angelic, and he was reminded of how Mattie enjoyed the simple pleasures in life. How her freshness and enthusiasm permeated everything she did. The energy within her filled him with a joy he couldn’t describe. It made him thank God for the privilege of being beside her. He forgot about work and all the bullet points on his to-do calendar. He sucked in a deep breath and focused on what the Lord had given him today.
“I’m sorry, Jeff. I’m rambling. I suppose things aren’t looking so cheery for you.”
“On the contrary. For once, things are looking grand.”
“What do you do now for fun? Do you still play chess?”
“Not too often. Sometimes I’ll find a willing partner at Grandma’s social club, but I play rugby on Saturdays. I learned in college, and it just stuck.”
“Rugby? Isn’t that a little violent?”
Jeff thought about all the nicks and scratches he’d endured. Not to mention the broken wrist in college. “Not all that violent. Active, and it certainly gets my mind off the numbers. I find that with accounting I don’t have the mind to enjoy chess as I once did. What about you? What do you do for fun?”
“My job is fun. I get to paint every day, which is pure joy for me. In my spare time I enjoy changing my apartment around quite a bit, depending on which color I’m in the mood for. But mostly I read voraciously. My library card looks like my cousin Callie’s credit card. It’s worn out.”
His eyes focused on her beautiful, full lips as they spoke. How was it he’d never realized how intelligent Mattie was? That she was capable of doing anything—yet she wanted to do something creative like painting? He chastised himself for always thinking he was so brilliant and for seeing Mattie as the beautiful cheerleader, instead of the multifaceted mind and pure heart that she was. What Mattie possessed, Jeff wanted to take hold of for himself. To look at life with the glass half full for a change. He wondered who indeed the smartest kid in school was. He wasn’t it, or he wouldn’t be living the same life he’d lived for twenty years. He’d be playing more rugby, enjoying more time with Mattie.
“What do you like to read, Mattie?”
“Oh, everything! I love Greek literature, and I love the latest murder mysteries and the biographies on the bestseller lists. For me, reading isn’t about a style; it’s about grasping as much information as I can and trying to see how other people see the world. Why they don’t have Christ in their lives and what types of things stop them.”
“It all sounds fascinating. Do you have anything you’d recommend?”
“I couldn’t begin to give you one title, but I’m happy to share my personal library with you. That’s another hobby, by the way. I’ve learned to install my own bookcases.”
“Mattie, is there anything you don’t do?”
“I don’t really like to cook. I can—Gram taught me—but it’s not my favorite thing in the world. I love to see what other people cook, though.” Mattie held up her menu. “Did you see this omelet with Brie in it? Doesn’t that sound heavenly?”
“I’m more of a pancake man, myself.” He winked at her, and the grin she returned poured over his heart like the freshest, thickest maple syrup in his college state of Vermont.
“I’m sure those are wonderful, too.” She nodded.
“Thank you for taking the day off for me. You don’t know how I needed this.”
“I believe I do. You can’t do everything for everyone else without refreshing at church and being around friends who support you. It’s the way God made us. He wants us in fellowship.”
“Why do you make me feel like a lightweight spiritually?”
Her smile faltered, and she shook her head. “I didn’t mean to do that, Jeff. I’m no spiritual giant. I’m weak myself—that’s how I know these things.”
“Mattie Stevens, I never stopped loving you. And I never will.”
Mattie dropped her spoon in her tea with a clank. She blinked rapidly but said nothing in return, and Jeff hoped he ha
dn’t ruined their future together by scaring her away. She grasped Jeff’s hand but said nothing. She only blinked her wide blue eyes at him until he thought he might steal her away to Las Vegas and get the wedding over with at once. No one would ever touch his heart like this. If only Mattie felt the same way, but her thoughts remained hidden throughout breakfast.
Kenny’s angry gait marched out the front door. His arms swung straight out to the side. Without warning he hauled off and punched Mattie in the thigh. “You’re the reason my mom left. She didn’t like you.” Kenny’s brows were furrowed in an angry V-shape.
“Kenny!” Jeff was in shock. “Mattie? Are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m all right.” She knelt beside Kenny and tried to speak with him at his level, but rage engulfed the little boy, and Jeff had to stop Kenny from hitting Mattie again.
“Kenny! What are you doing? Mattie is my friend, and we don’t treat anyone that way.”
“She stole my mommy!” The venom with which he said the words flustered Jeff. He didn’t know much about parenting, but he knew this was not normal behavior for a four-year-old. Yet he felt powerless about what to do.
“Mattie did no such thing. Now you apologize to my friend,” Jeff finally said.
“No!” Kenny crossed his arms defiantly across his chest.
“Kenny.”
“No!”
Mattie shifted uncomfortably, and her wide eyes blinked in obvious confusion. “Jeff, this is going to take some time. Why don’t you call me when things calm down?”
Jeff looked to Mattie and then to Kenny. He closed his eyes and sighed before facing the two people he loved. One much too young to understand, and the other not believing his heart.
“No, we’re going to settle this. Kenny, this is my girlfriend. I love her, and you will, too, once you get to know her.”
“I hate her!” Kenny stamped his foot vehemently.
Mattie put her hand on Jeff’s shoulder, and it took all his willpower not to embrace her again. The pain in her eyes forced him back. “Mattie, please don’t leave. We have to discuss this. We have to discuss our future.”
“Not today we don’t. Thank you for breakfast.” She placed a kiss on his cheek, near his lips. “Kenny needs you right now.”
“Stop talking about me! Don’t say my name! I hate you!” Kenny spat out.
If Jeff had said such things as a child, his father would have reminded him painfully not to do so again. But Kenny needed unconditional love right now. “Kenny! That’s enough. You are hurting. We know that, but it does not excuse rudeness. Now go in the house and see Great-Grandma for awhile. We’ll talk about this later.”
Kenny stomped away but turned before reaching the door and stuck his tongue out toward Mattie.
“Well, that went well.” Mattie smiled slightly.
Jeff threw up his hands. “Mattie, I’m sorry. I’m a terrible parent. I don’t know why I was thinking I could take this on.” He rubbed his forehead to stop the throbbing.
“Jeff, this isn’t ideal, but Kenny will adjust. You have to let him know he comes first.”
“But he doesn’t come first. My wife comes first. That’s how I was raised.”
Mattie stepped back, her face as pale as the jimsonweed. “I’m not your wife, Jeff. We had a great time, but you obviously have bigger priorities, and I don’t want to get in the way of those.”
“Mattie, you don’t understand. I planned this before Kenny and I were an option. I came home for two reasons, and you were one of them.” Jeff hated the desperation he felt, and he could have kicked himself for not being forthright with Mattie. Now he sounded like some hopeless loser in search of anyone for a mate.
“But I wasn’t the only one, Jeff. And one of those reasons needs you more than the other.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek again. “I love you, too, if it’s any consolation.”
“Consolation? No, it isn’t a consolation. Mattie, what can I do? That boy needs me, but there’s only one woman for me. I knew that ten years ago.”
“I knew it ten years ago as well, but now I’m not so sure. Love shouldn’t be this complicated. This much of a game. I loved you, Jeff, and you left town without a word.”
“Mattie, I explained all that. Why must we go back to that again and again?”
“Then let me explain something to you. You’re a great man, Jeff, but my life was so peaceful until you came. I don’t think love should be this much turmoil.” Mattie grabbed his hand then climbed into her hatchback. “I have to get back to Scottsdale and apologize to Mrs. Cox.”
“Mattie, wait—”
But she closed the door. Jeff saw the tears in her eyes as she backed down the driveway, and he kicked the grass in frustration. He closed his eyes in prayer, asking the Lord to show him the way. He listened to silence for a moment before calling out to Mattie’s taillights. “This isn’t what you want, Mattie! I’ll do whatever it takes this time.”
Chapter 6
Mattie couldn’t see the road through her veil of tears, so she pulled to the side. Staring out at the expanse of Sonoran desert, Mattie wondered if such a barren life lay before her. Would she ever find a man who wanted her? Not to be the mother of an adopted child or selected because of proximity and familiarity, but because someone sought her out to love her truly?
She knew better than to hope. Hope pulled everything you had within you and lifted you up, not to have you drop back in a deep pit of despair. She laughed through her tears. Gram always said she was the dramatic one. Yet her mood couldn’t be helped today. Everyone else managed to find love. Callie, Mel, and Chelsea had no problems with Gram’s arrangements.
While life rushed at her like a monsoon thunderstorm or a drowning flash flood, Mattie watched idly as her loved ones gripped all life had to offer. They were the desert flowers on the levee, the spot of rain in the midst of drought, while she waited for a small refreshing drop.
She could turn the car around, she reasoned. She could tell Jeff she loved him solely and that she didn’t want to think about a future without him. But what kind of Christian stole the only parent a child would have? Kenny’s behavior told Mattie how much he needed security. To know Kenny was first would haunt Mattie like the night when her prom came and went. Second to chess. Second to Kenny. Always second to something.
Mattie had no business messing with that arrangement. Kenny needed Jeff. Mattie did fine on her own, and she guessed that’s how God wanted it. She wiped the tears from her eyes and headed to Gram’s.
Gram would know what to do, and if she didn’t, Mattie could drown herself in chocolate chip cookies and avoid thinking of the subject. Revert to her childhood and be happy with a tall glass of milk and Tollhouse joy.
Mrs. Cox and her “unfinished” job fell to a distant memory. Mattie wouldn’t go groveling for the job she didn’t need nor agree to do. God had ordered the day differently, and Mattie tried to find peace in that.
Gram’s pink apartment shone brightly in the hot afternoon sun. The apartment looked sparse and abandoned, and Mattie guessed Gram was off to internet class or the like. She knocked on the door and was surprised when Gram answered, a look of shock covering the weathered face.
“Mattie, what on earth? Why aren’t you at work?”
“Mrs. Cox—” Mattie started her explanation but quickly resorted to tears. “Oh, Gram.” She clutched her grandmother and felt the older woman’s comforting arms around her. A cave of shelter underneath a late summer storm.
“What’s the matter, sweetie? Is it something with Jeff?”
Mattie sniffled and nodded her head through her violent inhaling of jagged, little breaths. “I’m never going to get married. I’m an old maid!” Mattie wailed. “I won’t even be a bridesmaid anymore, because everyone I know is married.”
Gram pulled away and smiled. She shook her head, “Mattie, Mattie. Come and sit in the kitchen. I’ll get you some cookies.”
“I know what you’re thinking. I’m the drama
tic one.”
“You should have gone to Hollywood.” Gram lifted her eyebrows and led Mattie to the kitchen. “Now tell your Gram what could be so bad. Is Jeff marrying someone else?”
“Worse. He has custody of Kenny now. His sister ran off to California and left that poor boy with no one but Jeff and his grandmother. What kind of Christian would I be if I stood in the way of that? The boy needs a home.”
“Mattie, did Jeff say he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with you because of Kenny?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Mattie, aren’t most parents married?”
“Yes, but this situation is different. Kenny hates me. He told me so himself.” Mattie crossed her arms.
“And how old is this child?”
“He’s four.” Mattie sat up straighter, to make her argument more effective. Gram had that way of making something so real to Mattie seem ridiculous. “But you don’t understand, Gram. Jeff came back to Heaven to care for Kenny. Kenny’s the priority. I’ll never be a priority. I’ll always come third. After God and after Kenny.”
“Honey, Jeff is not willing to sacrifice everything for the boy. Besides, the boy will need a mother. Have you thought of that?”
“A mother he likes, maybe. But not me.”
Gram set a glass of milk on the table. “I’m going to tell you this once. It may sound harsh, but I think you need to hear it, Princess. You, unlike the rest of us, are a princess. You’ve always had people bow down before your beauty. You’ve had whatever you wanted to be disposed of as you felt led. But Jeff’s the one thing you’ve wanted that you couldn’t control. Go ahead—tell me it’s not true. I dare you.”
Mattie pondered the thought for awhile, unwilling to admit it might be true.
“You’re afraid if you admit how deeply you love Jeff, and if he doesn’t love you back in the same way, you’ll be made a fool of. Am I right?”
Mattie’s jaw twitched. How she hated that her grandmother saw right through her. How she hated that it was truly pride that held her back from Jeff. Not her sacrificial love for a child. That’s what she wanted it to be, but it wasn’t that. She was afraid of coming in second.