Trying
To
Survive
By
Hannah Davenport
Thank you for purchasing my book. If you enjoy reading it, please click on the link at the end of the book and leave a review. Every good review helps sales and I would appreciate your honest opinion. Thank you!
This story is fiction; names and places are not real and not based on any known person. Like most stories, there are some hidden truths inside the make believe. There is heartbreak, worry, laughing, and of course love.
I would like to thank my family for being so patient and understanding while I spent hours, days, even weeks writing this book.
I would also like to thank SelfPubBookCovers.com/FrinaArt for providing me with an amazing book cover.
Copyright: November 2015 by Hannah Davenport
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial use permitted by copyright law
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Austin
Prologue
I sat in the cold metal chair as my husband lay in the casket along with all of our dreams. My life was over. My life lay there with my husband, my only lover, my best friend, my everything. Holding a red rose, a tear slipped down my face and I couldn’t bring myself to lay it on his casket. This could not be the end, it couldn’t be over. Everyone had long since left except me, but I refuse to let him go. Looking toward heaven, I sobbed and asked the one question I knew I’d never get the answer to. Why? Why did you take him? Why did this happen? Sobbing, I found my legs, walked to his casket, and threw my body over the top and while I cried, I begged, “Please don’t leave me! I can’t do this without you!” I didn’t understand why this had happened, I’m the one with health problems, I was supposed to go first but not for a long time. We had plans, had dreams and we still had to finish raising our son.
I don’t know how long I lay on top of Graysen’s casket, but my crying had stopped when I felt strong warm arms wrap around me, and when I looked up, I looked in to Graysen’s eyes. However, it wasn’t Graysen, it was our sixteen year old son, Austin. He lifted me up and carried me to the car. “It will be okay mom; I’ll take care of you.” I heard his words and although they gave me comfort, it wasn’t right. He didn’t need to take care of me, I needed to take care of him. He was my child and that’s what mothers do.
Chapter 1
Two Years Later
“Mom, where are you?” Austin yelled as he came through the front door. Smiling, I thought about how some things never change no matter how old he got. Walking in to the kitchen where I had been making dinner he said, “There you are. Why didn’t you answer me?”
“I didn’t want to yell. I knew you would find me eventually.” He made his way over to the bar and took a seat on the stool. “What did you need?” I ask while stirring the pot of chili I was making for dinner.
“Nothing, I just didn’t know where you were.” Austin had grown in to a fine young man but at times, I worried about him. He spent too much time worrying about me and not enough time being a teenager.
“I’ve been here all day.” I smiled. “Are you going to the ballgame tonight?” He loved to watch football especially with Graysen. They went to all of the high school games on Friday night and watched college games on Saturday. The two of them made a day of it with chips and salsa in front of the TV. The first year after Graysen passed away Austin just closed down, refusing to go by himself. I knew he took Graysen’s death hard and with him suddenly thinking he was the man of the house, he internalized his grief. A few months later, I made an appointment for us both to talk to a counselor, not together of course, although they did have us together a time or two. Counseling really helped us both and I’m not sure where we’d be today without it. Oh, it was still hard. I still missed Graysen every single day but I’m learning to live without him.
“No, I think I’ll stay home.” He said solemnly. I stopped and looked at him, I mean really looked.
“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you going?” This was his senior year and I wanted him to enjoy it. Doing so well this year, I wanted him to go and have a good time.
“Nothing’s wrong, I just don’t want to go that’s all.” He never made eye contact so I knew something was up.
“Talk to me Austin. Please tell me what’s bothering you.” He looked up and I saw the pain in his eyes. Walking over to him, I pulled him in for a hug as he threw his arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“I miss dad.” He whispered. It made my heart hurt because I missed him to…so much. I knew I couldn’t be mom and dad, so I didn’t even try. “I want him here for my senior year; I want him to go to the games with me.” I heard his voice break and a tear slipped out of my eye. Austin may be six-feet-two with muscles everywhere but to me he was still my little boy, my beautiful little boy.
“I know honey. I miss him to.” A few minutes later while I still had him embraced, I said, “I can go and you can teach me all about it.” He laughed, as I knew he would.
“Mom you hate cold weather.” And just like that, he felt better. His shoulders were more relaxed and he wore an easy smile on his face. I moved back over to the stove while he sat back down. “Kaitlyn asked me to meet her there.” He said without looking up.
“Oh she did huh?” A brief smile graced his face. For some reason he never talked about girls that often. I always felt like he thought it would bother me for some reason.
“Yeah, she did. I thought afterwards I would take her out for a pizza.” He still wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Austin?” I waited. “Austin, look at me.” When he did, I could see something in his eyes. It looked like guilt but I didn’t know why. “Honey, I think that’s wonderful.” I gave him my best smile and saw him relax again. “You should go and have a great time. You’re eighteen-years-old and that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
“I know you keep telling me that but I don’t want you to be alone for so long.” My heart melted at the thought of having such a caring son.
“I’ll be just fine. It makes me feel better to know that you are living your life and having a good time. Your happiness gives me happiness.”
“I can’t help but worry. You never go out and do anything and you haven’t dated anyone.” I glanced his way. This was a sore topic for us.
“Do you really want me to date?” I could see how uncomfortable that made him.
“No, but I don’t want you to be alone either. You’re still young and you should have some fun to.” I didn’t feel that young even though I was only thirty-five. I had Austin when I was seventeen and had spent my whole life raising him. I didn’t mind though, I actually felt lucky. With my disease, the doctor told me that the chances of me having children were very slim. At fifteen I met Graysen and we started dating, at seve
nteen I found out I could have children after all, at least one anyway as we never tried to prevent pregnancy.
“Listen to me honey, I want you to go and have a great time and not worry about me. I’ll be fine, I promise. I know I’ve told you before, but I’m going to tell you again. If anything happens make sure you use protection.” I wanted to laugh aloud but I kept a straight face. I loved embarrassing him even though I meant ever word I said.
“Mom!” His face turned red like always. Graysen never liked to talk about sex with Austin but I was determined that he would not become a statistic. I also liked to watch his reaction.
“I’m serious Austin; do you have condoms in your wallet?” Bless his heart he looked horrified. You would think he would be used to it by now.
“Yes mom!” He looked away, embarrassed.
“They haven’t expired have they? Maybe you should check.”
“Oh God, just please stop!” He groaned and I laughed. “You know, we don’t have to talk about this every time I have a date.” I laughed more, I couldn’t help it. No, I didn’t have to remind him but I wanted to make sure he was always prepared, and I liked watching him blush. “Do you ever regret it?” He asked with sincerity and without looking at me.
“Regret what?” My smile faded and I was confused.
“Getting pregnant at seventeen.” I don’t know why but this is something we have never talked about before. Did I regret it? That was an easy answer. Never!
“No, I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, we had a hard go of it in the beginning but I wouldn’t change a thing.” I said, meaning every word of it.
“You never talk about you and dad, about when you met or about having me.” Huh, I guess I hadn’t. I didn’t mean to keep it from him I just never thought he cared about it.
“Would you like to know?” I watched him for any signs that we shouldn’t venture in to this new territory.
Letting out a breath he said, “Yeah, I would.” I decided I needed a cup of coffee, and to sit down if we were going to talk about this. Grabbing a filter and the coffee from the cabinet, I readied the pot while I put creamer in my cup. I knew this would happen one day. Yes, it still hurt to talk about him but I decided a long time ago that I would do whatever Austin needed me to. Pouring my cup full, I turned to him.
“Let’s go sit down.” Walking into the living room, I sat on the couch while Austin took a seat in the recliner. “I met your father when I was thirteen and we had just started high school together. He asked me to be his girlfriend and of course, I said no.” I sat there smiling at the memory. “To be honest, I wasn’t that interested in boys then. He didn’t care though, he still called me at night and we sat together when we were in class. He became my best friend.” Taking a sip of coffee, I let the memories flood my mind. “Then one day it all changed. I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. We were at a school dance and the girl he was with left him for another guy.”
“Seriously, she dumped him during the dance?” He asked and I could tell he was hanging on to my every word. I should have talked about his dad more before now, but the memories were just too painful before.
“Yeah! Can you believe it? She had some nerve. When I found him standing alone, I took his hand and led him to the dance floor where we had a great time. Then about an hour later she came back because the guy didn’t want much to do with her, or something like that.” Shaking my head at that particular memory, “And Graysen stayed with her the rest of the evening.”
“What! Why would he do that? If some chick dumped me during a dance I sure as hell wouldn’t take her back.” I smiled at his outrage on my behalf even if it did happen almost twenty years ago.
“Language.”
“Sorry.” He didn’t sound it.
“On Monday he told me he shouldn’t have done that and wished he’d have just stayed with me. That’s how we started dating. It started out great at first and I fell head over heels in love with him. Don’t get me wrong we had our problems, a lot of them, but when you love someone you work it out.”
“Like what?”
“One of the biggest problems that I recall was his mother.”
“Really, mamaw didn’t like you two being together?” He asked with disbelief.
“No she didn’t.” I took another sip of coffee while my mind went to Sandra, my mother-in-law. After Graysen passed away, I didn’t visit and she never came around much. She never took an interest in Austin or anything he did. When Graysen was alive, she wanted us to visit all the time but at her convenience. “We’re getting off topic.” I smiled. “We dated the rest of the way through high school and married soon after we graduated.”
“And you didn’t have me until after graduation?” He looked so interested.
“Right. I was seventeen when I graduated and had you right before my eighteenth birthday.” My baby was born in October and I turned eighteen in November. It was hard to have a baby so young but he was so worth it.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Not caring how embarrassed I might be, I would tell him anything at this point.
“You can ask me anything.” I said honestly.
“How long did you date him before you two had sex? I mean I know you did because you got pregnant, but…” Shit! I was use to embarrassing him but this really was personal. You can do this. You can do this. I chanted in my head.
“It’s okay Austin.” Exhaling slowly, I gathered my thoughts. “We dated for a year before we had sex but I knew I loved him the first time we kissed. I know that sounds crazy but it’s true. We were at another dance and when he kissed me, I got butterflies in my stomach and everyone in the room disappeared. I had kissed a few boys before but none of them made me feel that way.” I knew this would be hard but I never thought I’d be sitting here talking about my sex life with my son.
“So you were sixteen the first time.” He mused. “And you must have gotten pregnant soon after.” I could tell he was thinking so I sat silently and waited. “Did you know that you probably couldn’t have kids?” That wasn’t what I expected.
“I didn’t have a clue and I had no reason to think I couldn’t at the time. I guess I just got lucky.” I gave him my best smile because I did feel lucky.
“Yeah right, I’m sure that’s what you thought at the time when you were in school and pregnant. So then what happened?”
“Okay, so maybe I didn’t feel so lucky then but that was because I was so scared.” He laughed. “But I did love you instantly and we decided to get married as soon as we graduated. We had already talked about getting married eventually, so when you came along we just moved up the timetable. Grandma and Grandpa took it well and I knew they would help us.”
“What about mamaw and papaw?”
“Now his parents didn’t take it well at all but we knew they wouldn’t. They worried more about what everyone would think of them so they didn’t tell anyone. At graduation, I was only four months along and you couldn’t even tell I was pregnant. Graysen joined the military. We got married two weeks later and then moved away.”
“Did dad know that you were sick before you got married?” Tears came to my eyes. I tried to stop them but one escaped anyway. “I’m sorry mom. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, no, It’s okay honey. Really. I don’t know if he did or not because we really never talked about it. He knew that I was sick a lot growing up and that I got sick very easily but that was it. When we moved away, my new doctor didn’t like the fact that I got sick so often and decided to send me to a specialty hospital. That’s where I was diagnosed. Later, when I got really sick I always felt bad you know? Like Graysen deserved a better wife, one that didn’t get tired so easily, someone who was healthy.”
“Stop that!” He admonished. I saw his eyes glisten and instantly regretted being so honest. “Dad loved you no matter what. I’ve seen my friends’ parents and none of them act half as in love as you and dad did.”
“Thanks. When you love someone, you want the b
est for them. But sometimes I felt more like a burden.” I thought back to all the times I’d been in the hospital and left Graysen with Austin at the house. He took care of him; made sure the house stayed clean, and stayed with me all that he could. He sometimes wore himself out running back and forth. I always felt guilty for not being able to be the wife I wanted to be, the wife he deserved. Always running out of energy and being so tired even when I wasn’t sick. Looking back at Austin, “Is there anything else you want to know?” I asked, smiling.
“I can’t think of anything right now.”
“Good, I have a question for you then.”
“Okay.” He said slowly. I could see the dread in his eyes.
“We talked about my first time so… have you had sex before?” He turned blood red.
“I am not talking to you about this!” I saw the urge to flee in his eyes and I almost laughed.
“Not saying no means yes.” Shaking his head with his eyes closed as if he was trying to erase the last sixty seconds of his life.
“Can we talk about it later cause I think I need to get ready for the football game.” He said while still looking down, but now smiling, and it made me glad that we talked.
“Of course honey, anytime you want.” I stood at the same time he did.
“Thanks mom. I love you.” He hugged me and my heart warmed. He looked and acted so much like my Graysen. I only wish he could have seen him now, so grown up and such a good man and son.
“I love you too honey, now go get ready and have a good time tonight.” He walked away, “And don’t forget the condoms, but don’t have sex!” I called to him as he walked down the hall shaking his head again. I didn’t tell him that I already had plans.
Placing new flowers on the freshly mowed plot, I laid down beside Graysen’s grave. “Hi sweetheart. A lot has happened that I wanted to tell you about. Austin is in his senior year and misses you like crazy. He just turned eighteen and has a date tonight. I haven’t met any of the girls yet so maybe that means he isn’t serious about one. I still can’t help embarrassing him.” I laughed a little just thinking about it. “You would be so proud of him Graysen. He reminds me of you at that age, your looks and your mannerisms.” Sighing, I laid down on the ground beside him. “I miss you so much sweetheart. I can’t believe you’ve been gone for two years.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. “They sentenced the guy that hit you that night, but I don’t know exactly what happened. Mom said he got five years but I didn’t attend the hearing. I hope you understand. The only way I can be a good mom is not to dwell on the drunk driver. Austin needs me, but without him, I would have joined you. Life is so unfair.” I just laid next to his grave, next to my soul mate. I missed him so much every day that sometimes it was almost unbearable. I would never let Austin know that though.
Trying to Survive (The Kiser #1) Page 1