by David Hwang
the region which includes Chicago.
CAI: Ah! Chicago!
DANIEL: Chicago? No, we’re based in—
PETER (To Daniel): Your firm is based in Cleveland, but you’ve done business in—
DANIEL: Chicago.
CAI: Chicago.
QIAN: Zhī jiā gē yŏu tā chù lì de zhāo pái,
He has erected signs in Chicago,
dàn tā gè rén lái zì bú zhù míng de xiăo cūn zhuāng.
but his home village is insignificant.
CAI: Wó lăo jiā yě shì gè xiăo cūn zhuāng.
I also come from a small village.
QIAN (To Daniel): Minister Cai was also—
PETER (To Daniel): The Minister says—
(Pause. To Qian:)
Ō, bù hăo yì si.
Oh, excuse me.
QIAN (To Peter): Bào qiàn.
Forgive me.
(To Daniel) Minister Cai was also born in a small farming village.
DANIEL: Cleveland isn’t exactly a farming—though I suppose it was at one time.
QIAN (To Cai): Tā shuō nà bian de tŭ dì zăo jiù huāng wú le.
He says their crops failed long ago.
XI (Exasperated): Kè lĭ fū lán!
Cleveland!
Kă fán nuò xiān sheng shì lái zì kè lĭ fū lán!
Mr. Cavanaugh is from Cleveland!
Bú shì dà chéng shì, dàn yě shì yí gè zhòng yào de zhì zào zhōng xīn.
Not a major city, but a significant manufacturing center.
PETER: Xiè xie fù jú zhăng.
Thank you, Vice Minister.
XI: Huò zhě shuō céng jīng zhòng yào guò, zài měi guó hái yŏu zhì zào yè de nián dài.
Or it was, back when the U.S. still manufactured things.
DANIEL: We used to be a factory town, but // nowadays—
PETER (To Daniel): We’ve sorted all that out.
DANIEL: Oh. Anyway, Ohio Signage has managed to acquire a reputation for quality work. Have you seen our website?
PETER: Nĭ kàn guò tā men de wăng zhàn ma?
Have you seen their website?
CAI: Hěn bú cuò.
Impressive.
PETER (To Daniel): He likes your website.
(To Cai:)
Tā de jiā zú bă é hài é zhōu zhāo pái shè jì gōng sī,
His family has built Ohio Signage,
dă zào chéng měi guó zuì zhuó yuè de qĭ yè zhī yī.
into one of America’s most illustrious businesses.
CAI: Zhī jiā gē! wŏ qù guò zhī jiā gē!
Chicago! I have visited Chicago!
(Pause; to Qian:)
Gào su tā yā!
Tell him!
QIAN (To Daniel): The Minister has visited Chicago.
DANIEL (To Peter): We’re back to—?
(To Cai:)
We work there all the time.
PETER: Zhī jiā gē dào chù dōu shì kă fán nuò xiān sheng zhì zào de zhāo pái.
Mr. Cavanaugh’s signs hang all over Chicago.
CAI: Nà shì gè wěi dà de chéng shì.
It is a great city.
QIAN: The Minister enjoys this city very much.
DANIEL: Who doesn’t like Chicago?
QIAN: Tā rèn tóng nín de shuō fă.
He agrees.
DANIEL (To Cai): You’ll have to let me show you around sometime.
QIAN: Xià cì yóu tā zuò dōng.
He will be your host there.
CAI: Wŏ zài zhī jiā gē de shí hòu zuì xĭ huān chī niú pái.
When I’m in Chicago, I like to eat steak.
QIAN: He enjoys to consume your American beef-cows.
DANIEL: My—? Ah! Smith & Wollensky?
(Pause. Qian looks at Daniel. Daniel looks at Peter.)
(To Peter) Smith & Wollensky?
(Off Peter’s confusion:)
A steakhouse. You’ve never—? The place is like my second home!
PETER: Oh!
QIAN: I see!
Tā shì shuō —
—
He’s referring to—
PETER: Smith & Wollensky.
QIAN: yī jiā niú pái diàn, tā yŏu shí hòu zhù zài nà lĭ.
a steak restaurant, where he sometimes lives.
PETER: Bù! tā bú zhù zài nà lĭ —
—
No, he doesn’t—
(To Cai:)
Nà shì zhī jiā gē zuì hăo de niú pái diàn, tā xiáng qĭng nín qù cháng cháng.
It’s the best in Chicago, and he wants to invite you.
CAI: Xiè xie!
Thank you!
QIAN (To Peter): Duì bu qĭ.
Forgive me.
PETER: Bú yào jĭn —
—
No need to—
QIAN: Wŏ de yīng yŭ bù hăo.
My English is so poor.
PETER: Bù! hén hăo!
It’s excellent!
QIAN: Ér nĭ de zhōng wén —
—
But your Chinese—
PETER: Nà lĭ, nà lĭ . . .
No, no, no . . .
CAI (To Peter): Tā shuō de duì, nĭ de pŭ tōng huà shuō de bĭ wŏ ér zi hái yào hăo!
She’s right, your Chinese is better than my own child’s!
PETER: Jú zhăng tài kuā jiăng le.
The Minister is too kind.
CAI (Referring to Peter):
Wŏ jiù shuō, zhè lăo wài shì gè háo lăo shī.
That’s why this foreigner is such a good teacher.
Dì yī cì jiàn miàn wŏ jiù xiăng,
The first time I met him, I thought,
tā néng jiào góu yě xué huì shuō yīng wén!
He could teach English to a dog!
PETER: Xiè xie, xiè xie.
Thank you, thank you.
(They all laugh. Daniel tries to laugh along. To Daniel:)
They’re talking about my Chinese.
DANIEL: Which is amazing, right?
QIAN (To Cai): Jiù lián wú zhī de lăo wài dōu míng bái!
Even the illiterate foreigner knows!
CAI (To Daniel, referring to Peter): Tā zhōng guó huà shuō dé hăo jí le.
His Chinese is excellent.
QIAN: Not like my English.
XI: Bĭ dé zhōng guó huà de chéng dù, wŏ men dōu dá chéng gòng shí le!
All right, we all agree about Peter’s Chinese!
Xiàn zài ké yĭ jì xù tán jì huà shū le ma?
Can we move on to the proposal?
QIAN (To Daniel): Vice Minister Xi agrees on the quality of Peter’s Chinese. And also wishes to discuss your proposal.
DANIEL: Great. Well—
CAI: Hěn bú cuò.
It’s very impressive.
Suī rán jià gé—xiāng duì běn dì de biāo zhŭn lái shuō, bĭ jiào guì.
Though the price—rather high, by local standards.
QIAN: He likes your proposal, but—so expensive!
DANIEL: I understand. That’s why I appreciate this chance to—
CAI: Jìn guăn rú cĭ, wŏ hái shì yuàn yì
Nevertheless, I would like to give
rèn zhēn dì kăo lǜ pìn yòng nĭ de gōng sī.
serious consideration to hiring your firm.
QIAN: Despite so expensive, he will still consider your proposal.
DANIEL: Thank you. And here’s why we’re worth the money.
QIAN: Tā huì jiě shì wèi shén me tā huā qián huì nà me dà shŏu dà jiăo.
He will explain why he spends money so recklessly.
PETER: Shì xiăng shuō míng tā de zhuān cháng jiāng rú hé bāng zhù guì yáng.
Why his expertise can help Guiyang.
QIAN (To Cai, referring to Peter): Duì, xiàng tā suŏ shuō de.
Yes, like he says.
PETER (To Qian): Bào qi
àn, yào shì wŏ—
—
Forgive me if I—
QIAN: Bù, bú yào jĭn—wŏ biān tīng biān xué.
No, no—I will listen and learn.
(Pause. Daniel looks to Peter for a cue to begin. Peter nods.)
DANIEL: Minister Cai, you are building a world-class Arts Center.
PETER: Quán shì jiè dōu zhī dào guì yáng de jīng jì jiāng yào téng fēi,
The whole world knows of the economic prosperity coming to Guiyang,
tā men dōu zài qī dài nĭ men nà suŏ shì jiè jí yì shù zhōng xīn de kāi mù.
and awaits the opening of your world-class Arts Center.
(His rhythm is thrown by Peter’s translation; Daniel continues:)
DANIEL: OK. You’ve brought in a German architect, you’ll be using Brazilian wood, Italian marble, a state-of-the-art sound system designed by Japanese engineers. But what about the signs? Are they going to match up to—?
PETER: Nĭ men yĭn jìn de dé guó jiàn zhù shī, bā xī mù cái,
You’ve brought in a German architect, Brazilian wood,
yì dà lì dà lĭ shí, rì běn yīn xiăng, zhè xiē quán dōu shì dì yī liú de.
Italian marble, Japanese sound engineers, all first-rate.
DANIEL: Yes, and anyway—but the signs, are they going to live up to the same high standards? Take, for example—
PETER: Kě duì yú guăn nèi de zhĭ shì pái,
But where it comes to the signs,
wŏ men yīng gāi jí qŭ qí tā shěng shì zhèng fŭ de jiào xùn.
we must learn from the mistakes of other municipalities.
Pì rú shuō—
—
For example—
(Cai’s cell phone goes off. He answers it.)
CAI: Wèi?
Hello?
Rén mín jiě fàng jūn zěn me la?
The People’s Liberation Army?
Tā mén de zhàn dòu lì què shí hěn qiáng,
They might be good at fighting,
kě shoū dào găo yīn yuè jù wán quán bù xíng.
but they’re lousy at producing musicals.
Bù!
No!
(Cai hangs up, looks expectantly at Daniel.)
PETER (To Daniel):
DANIEL: Right. So we were . . . talking about these other cities. For instance, Shanghai.
PETER: Pì rú shuō shàng hăi.
Consider Shanghai.
DANIEL: The Pudong Grand Theatre.
PETER: Pŭ dōng dà jù yuàn.
The Pudong Grand Theatre.
DANIEL: At the opening—the foreign business people and officials—did they notice the woods or the fixtures? No, they were all laughing!
PETER: Kāi mù nà tiān, nà xiē wài guó rén dōu zài xiào.
At the opening, the foreigners—were laughing.
(Daniel and Peter finally begin to find a rhythm.)
DANIEL: At the signs—because the translations were so bad!
PETER: Yīn wèi zhĭ shì pái shàng de fān yì—
At the signs—because the translations were—
shí zài bù wán měi!
imperfect!
DANIEL: Restrooms for the handicapped—good thing, right?
PETER: Jŭ yī gè lì zi, shāng cán rén shì xí shŏu jiān?
For example, the handicapped restrooms?
DANIEL: Not when the sign reads, “Deformed Man’s Toilet.”
(To Peter:)
Can you translate that?
PETER: Never fear.
Fān chéng jī xíng nán rén de cè suŏ.
Read, “Deformed Man’s Toilet.”
CAI: Wŏ men tīng shuō guo, tài diū rén le.
We heard about that, terrible.
QIAN: The Minister knows of this disgrace. And he is embarrassed.
DANIEL: And in the ladies’ room: “Wash After Relief.”
PETER: Zài nǚ cè nèi de rú cè hòu chōng shuĭ.
And the ladies’ washroom: “Wash After Relief.”
DANIEL: “Slip and Fall Down Carefully.”
PETER: That’s good—you can . . .
DANIEL: I could go on, but my point is—
PETER: Tā de zhòng diăn shì—
His point is—
DANIEL: Who cares about the money they spent on all the other stuff?
If I went there, what I would remember is the sign that
said: “Don’t Forget to Carry Your Thing.”
PETER: Tā zhĭ huì jì dé zhĭ shì pái xiě zhe bié wàng jì dài zóu nĭ de lăo èr.
He would remember the sign reading: “Don’t Forget to Carry Your Thing.”
CAI: Gòu le.
That’s enough.
DANIEL: Minister Cai, the money you spend now is a small price to avoid big embarrassment later.
PETER: Tā zhōng xīn jiàn yì nín jīn tiān xiān huā yī diăn qián
He respectfully suggests that spending a little money now
yĭ bì miăn jiāng lái miàn zi shàng gèng dà de sŭn shī.
will save Guiyang great loss of face later.
CAI: Nĭ men tí chū de wèn tí hěn zhòng yào,
You raise some very salient points,
jiù shì zuò wéi yī gè zhēn zhèng de guó jì wén huà zhōng xīn,
about the importance of the signs,
qí zhĭ shì pái de zhòng yào xìng.
in a truly international Cultural Center.
(Cai shoots a look at Qian.)
Xiăo qián.
Miss Qian.
QIAN (Who had let her mind drift): Oh! Um—the Minister, he—wants to create an international Cultural Center. Truly.
CAI: Wŏ xī wàng guì yáng néng zhăn xiàn zhōng guó de chuán tŏng yì shù.
I want Guiyang to showcase the traditional Chinese arts.
QIAN: The Minister enjoys the art which is old and unpopular.
CAI: Pì rú shuō wŏ men de jīng jù tuán.
Such as our local Beijing Opera troupe.
Tā men yăn chū de hóng qiáo zèng zhū .
Performing, “Presenting Pearl on Hongqiao Bridge.”
PETER: Wŏ xĭ huān nà ge xì!
I love that one!
QIAN: Our local opera performs—
(To Cai:)
Duì bu qĭ, nà ge hóng hóng hóng shén me lái zhe—
I’m sorry, could you please repeat—
PETER: Hóng qiáo zèng zhū .
“Presenting Pearl on Hongqiao Bridge.”
CAI (To Qian): Nĭ jìng rán méi tīng guò—
You’ve never heard of—
(To Peter, referring to Qian:)
Kàn, xiàn zài de nián qīng rén zhēn shì!
You see? Young people today!
QIAN: They are discussing my ignorance.
PETER: Nà duàn chàng hăo tīng jí le—jiù shì líng bō xiān zĭ ài shàng bái shū shēng nà duàn chàng!
That beautiful aria—when fairy Lingbo admires the young scholar!
(Peter starts singing the aria:)
Duō xiè xiān zĭ.
Thank you, Fairy.
(Cai joins in:)
PETER AND CAI:
Guāng huá yŏng yào qíng bù yí.
This pearl shines forever like our love.
QIAN: This is what the Minister enjoys.
CAI: Zhĭ shì pái yí dìng yào zuò dé duì!
The signs must be correct!
Nà me guó jì yŏu rén jiù néng zhuān xīn xīn shăng zhè xiē jīng jù jīng pĭn.
So foreigners will appreciate such classic works.
QIAN: The signs must be right. Or the shows will be even worse.
DANIEL: Great! So can we talk about the deal?
PETER: Kă fán nuò xiān sheng tí yì jì xù tăo lùn, hăo ràng dà jiā hù xiāng liáo jiě.
Mr. Cavanaugh would like to continue discussions, and know each other better.
CAI: Hăo.
Good.
QIAN: Good.
XI: Wŏ hái xiáng bŭ chōng jī diăn.
I would like to add my thoughts.
QIAN: The Vice Minister would also like to speak.
XI: Yŏu guān pŭ dōng dà jù yuàn de shì qíng wŏ men zăo zhī dào le.
We are well aware of the problems with the Pudong Grand Theatre.
QIAN: She is very familiar with the Shanghai disaster.
XI: Nà xiē xiăo cuò wù yĭ jīng jiū zhèng guò lái le.
These small errors have since been corrected.
QIAN: They have fixed the signs now.
XI: Wài guó rén yào xiào huà wŏ men de cuò wù hěn róng yì.
It is easy for foreigners to make fun of our mistakes.
PETER: Fù jú zhăng, wŏ men bìng bú shì yào—
Vice Minister, we were not—
XI: Kě xī fāng rén yòng zhōng wén,
When Westerners try to use Chinese,
jié guŏ yòu rú hé ne?
have you seen the results?
QIAN: Sometimes, Westerners try to use Chinese, too.
XI: Hàn shān shàng miàn xiě zhe wŏ biàn tài .
T-shirts reading: “I am pervert.”
QIAN: Jumpers // which read—
PETER: Nà bú guò shì yī xiē wú zhī de lǚ kè.
But those are just ignorant tourists.