by Jolene Perry
~ ~ ~
My feet are heavy as I head for play practice, and I’m wondering if I can just skip again. It’s almost as if Luke’s admission should have me more shocked, but I guess part of me already knew, or suspected. Maybe the really stupid side of me even hoped. Now all I hope is that it’s not awkward to be around him. That would be horrible. My favorite thing about Luke is how comfortable he is.
“Wait up!” Mindy calls.
“Hey.” I breathe out in relief that it’s her.
“Luke said you and I need to get together.” She slides her arm through mine as we walk to the theater.
“Yeah.” I squeeze her arm. But she doesn’t say anything else, which makes me think he didn’t tell her anything. Luke’s a good guy—the thought brings tears like weights to the insides of my eyes.
“Whoa.” She stops and stares. “What’s going on, Ronnie?”
“So much.” I sniff once and blink to hold in tears. It’s so stupid that I haven’t told her everything. I’m not even sure when the last time was that we just sat and hung out together.
“Skip practice, okay? Come with me.”
“But…” and then I stop when I realize my first thought, the one that hits my chest, is how much I’ll miss Luke. That’s not good. I love Shawn.
“Fine, we’ll take seats in the back and you can go up when they need you.” Her face is set. She means it.
I just start walking, unsure if my voice works yet.
We find seats in the back. It’s dark here, and my hope is that no one will see us.
“We’ll start by going over some of the fight scenes today.” Mr. Blackman calls out before taking his seat.
“Okay.” Mindy’s eyes are on me. “Spill.”
I slump low, uncertain of where to start. Just then Luke/Romeo and his friends step onto the stage. My breath catches at the sight of him. Have I let myself get too close? What does that say about me? Maybe Shawn did have reason to be mad all those times.
“Ronnie?” Mindy’s gaze follows mine to the stage.
“Oh.” She smirks as her eyes catch Luke.
“Don’t.” I shake my head. Dread seeps in with the realization from both of us. “I love Shawn. I want Shawn. Forever.” But I’m not sure that I mean it anymore. We haven’t talked again. I’m not even sure what we are now.
“Ronnie. That’s ridiculous. We’re in high school. You shouldn’t meet your forever until you’re like twenty-five or something.” She rolls her eyes.
“It’s not just that.” There’s so much more.
“What’s goin’ on?” She slouches further into the chair and I follow.
I tell her about Luke coming over when I got suspended and how Shawn grabbed my wrist. Her eyes widen in shock. I tell her about going to Shawn’s work and him grabbing my shoulders, and in the parking lot at our school. I tell her about how sweet he was between those incidents and how much I love him and how stressful his life’s been. How his dad’s been hurting his mom.
We talk about Thanksgiving and I tell her Luke was there and sort of saved me again from Shawn, and how we snuggled on my super awesome blanketopia and how I ignored the way I felt when we lay together.
“He was on the coast visiting his dad?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“And his dad ditched him for the day to play golf?”
I clutch my stomach. I’m the worst friend ever. He even told me in just about that many words, and I didn’t do anything to help him out. “I feel like the worst person ever.”
“That’s ridiculous!” her whisper is loud enough that probably everyone heard.
I crouch lower.
“Please tell me there isn’t more. And I can’t believe you haven’t told me this stuff, Ronnie. It’s like you’d rather be alone in this than have help. Even from me?” Her face is all wrinkled in concern, and I feel like crap.
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s just that I already knew what you’d say.”
“Yeah, cause I’d tell you to run away from him and never look back.” Her bright eyes are wide and close to me, scrutinizing, watching, begging to convince me.
“Right.” I nod. “And there’s more.”
“More?” She scoots closer.
Now we’re on to the other night and the panties, and Luke again, and how mixed up I feel, and that it’s like I’m the most horrible girl in the world and have no idea what to do about it.
Her arm comes around me, and I immediately lean into her. “None of this is okay. Is it starting to hit home now that it’s all out there together?”
“A bit,” I admit. Talking about all the small incidents at once shows a pattern I don’t want to see.
“I’m sure he likes you.” She squeezes. “Luke, I mean.”
Right. The other mess. “He told me today.”
“Then why don’t you be somewhere safe, and let yourself fall for him?” she pleads. “Cause Luke…he’s damn near perfect.”
I breathe in deep, stretching my lungs and ribcage. I’m so tense it hurts. “I still love Shawn. He’s gone through a lot and has kept it all to himself. He deserves more from me than that.”
“No, Ronnie.” She shakes her head. “You deserve more than what he’s given you.”
And part of me knows she’s right, and part of me has no idea what would happen if Shawn wasn’t in my life. I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t.
“Juliet!” Blackman calls. “We’re in need of you!”
“I’m going to stand by what I said earlier.” Mindy holds my hand, keeping me from moving away. “Let yourself fall for Luke. He appreciates you. Or just be on your own for a while. Anything would be better than what you’re dealing with.”
I open my mouth to argue that Shawn appreciates me, but we don’t have time for that runaround yet.
I drag myself to the stage, and all I hope is that Luke and I don’t have to kiss, because my heart can’t handle any more emotional insanity. Not today.
~ 15 ~
SHAWN
I’ve been an asshole, and I have no idea if driving my motorcycle an hour to see her will be a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know what to expect from her anymore.
After parking my bike up the street, I walk around Ronnie’s house and tap on her window.
I look over my shoulder about five times and stare at the back door in case her dad comes out. Then I send her a text.
SHAWN: I’m here
I knock one more time. The window slides open, and I nearly fall over in relief. I haven’t lost her. At least not completely. I just have to find a way to show her that I mean what I say.
We watch each other for a moment. She’s everything solid and comfortable—at least she used to be. I need that back.
“What are you doing here?” she asks.
“I drove down, just for tonight. I had to see you, Ronnie. Will you come with me?” I hadn’t really planned what I’d do if she said no.
“Give me a sec.” She steps back.
“Wear pants and a hoodie or something, okay? Leave your mom a note.” Her mom and my mom have been talking almost non-stop. Maybe if my mom would have helped Dad some—cut him some slack, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
“What are we doing?” Ronnie whispers.
I need to know how far she’s willing to go. “Trust me, please, for this.”
She watches me for a moment before nodding slowly. “I’ll meet you in front.”
“Thank you.”
Her window closes again and now I have to scale the damn fence again. I really should have thought this through better. At least she’s coming out. And I have a much better appreciation for what she went through to see me at night, and that definitely counts for something. At least I think it does.
I jog up the street and slowly wheel my bike in front of her house. Just as I stop and lean against the seat, her front door opens. Her wild, red hair falls around her shoulders, and I’m staring at her again like she’s brand new.
If she just can give me one more chance, I know we’ll be okay. I can’t lose her now.
RONNIE
Shawn’s leaning against his bike on the road when I step outside. Right. Jeans, hoodie. He’s going to take me on that thing.
“Don’t look so worried.” He flashes the smile that makes me remember every stolen moment of happiness, every kiss, every touch, every promise, every desire. I’m lighter. Just a little, but maybe enough.
“I’ll try.” But now I’m having a hard time taking my eyes off his face.
“I promise to drive careful, okay?” He hands me the red helmet he got me for Christmas last year so I could ride with him. I told him to keep it ‘cause there was no way I was riding that thing, but he wasn’t deterred.
“Okay.” I take the helmet and put it on. Why couldn’t he be in his mom’s car? “Where are we going?”
“Trust me?” He bends his head down to catch my eyes, hoping I will.
This is sort of it, right? Me getting behind him on that thing.
To me, getting on the bike means that I’m ready to keep trying with him, keep moving forward. “Okay.”
Again, the melt-my-heart smile arrives. But it doesn’t melt me this time, just softens me a little.
I climb on behind him and he starts slowly out of the neighborhood. He drives more carefully than he ever has. My arms wrap more tightly around his middle—his warmth spreading even through my sweatshirt. My eyes close and I think back to the summers on the beach, to the letters we sent to each other for years, to how soft, warm and wonderful he can be. How well I know him, how long I’ve thought of him as someone I’d spend my life with.
He weaves easily through the city streets of Modesto and as we close in on our location, I know where we’re going. He’s taking me to one of the places we can always agree on: In-N-Out Burger.
We glide into the parking lot. He turns off his bike and unbuckles my helmet for me. The soft, sweet gesture sends butterflies floating and fluttering in my chest and spreading into my stomach. He rests our helmets on his handlebars before turning around and taking my hand so I can swing off his motorcycle.
No thinking, no waiting, no pausing. I lean forward and press my lips softly to his. Part of me expects him to take more, but he doesn’t. Our lips linger there, hover around each other until I can feel his smile without looking.
“So this is okay?” he asks.
“This is okay.”
He takes my hand, leads me inside, and we both order fries and a shake. I can’t eat a whole burger in the middle of the night.
We take seats outside, and I decide I need to be closer, so I sit between his legs and let his arms come around me from behind.
“I’m sorry, Ronnie. My house, my dad.” He lets out a breath. “I didn’t know the extent, but I knew things weren’t good. I just—I’m not good at talking about things, and I didn’t handle any of it well.” He gives me a squeeze and rests our cheeks together. “It makes me sick to think I ever hurt you.” His fingers slide up and down my arms, touch my hair.
I lean away to look in his eyes.
“And that I wasn’t able to protect my mom.”
I can see him breaking apart in front of me. My hands slide over his, my back rests deeper into his chest. “You scared me, Shawn. How do I know things like that won’t happen again?”
“I guess I’m just asking you to trust me again, to know that the guy I’ve been isn’t really me. Things will get better. I’m going to work harder, and we’ll kind of start over.”
“So, that’s where we are.” Back to this. Back to Shawn and Ronnie, but are we where we should be? Where I want to be? I’m no longer sure. Does this mean Shawn and Ronnie have changed, or does this mean it’s just going to take some time for us to learn to be together again?
“I have a lot of ground to make up with you.” He kisses my cheek and stays close, his nose just touching the side of my face.
And the warmth of him, the feel of him is so familiar, it’s like knowing all over again why I love him so much. His fingers run over my bracelet. He presses his thumb and first finger on either side of the coin with our names.
“I don’t know what I would have done without you through all this.”
My lips meet his before he has time to say anything else, before I have time to think anything else. The chocolate of my shake mixes with the strawberry of his and I will seriously never get enough of our cool mouths moving together.
We sit at our table long after In-N-Out closes their doors for the night. We remember all the silly stuff we did as kids and how desperately we missed each other when we got older and he moved away. We laugh, we sit in silence, and then we talk, and kiss…
With this one night, I love Shawn more deeply. Every experience, every hardship we go through together, really will make us stronger, because we love each other enough to try, enough to work through this together.
For the first time ever, I enjoy the motorcycle ride back to my house. My legs rest against his, my arms hold our bodies together and, without helmets, it would be pretty ideal.
Our kiss goodbye is very different from our kiss hello. It’s like we forget the other person isn’t air—that we don’t need each other to survive. I let myself relax into him like I never do anymore.
I’ve missed this so much. And now we have it back.
~ ~ ~
Luke and I haven’t spoken since his admission. Our eyes meet throughout the day and I don’t know what’s between us. Friendship? Awkwardness? With Shawn and I starting over there’s just no room for Luke, and it sucks because with a few simple words, he’s not my comfortable friend anymore.
I walk into rehearsal late after gathering my massive amounts of homework and they’ve already started ACT II. I’m on stage right, thinking through my lines in the dark. We’re close to show time and we’re not in costume yet, but we’re using the stage lights and sets. It makes it all so much more real.
My eyes catch Luke’s across the stage and his gaze hits me in the pit of my stomach. I feel like Ronnie, watching my friend as Romeo, and wanting him. My whole life I’ve rolled my eyes at people who have said it’s possible to feel something for more than one person, yet here I am, feeling exactly that.
I may like Luke more than I should, but that doesn’t change how I feel about Shawn—especially after last night. How did I let this happen? I really am the worst kind of person. The blackness of the thought weaves its way through me, pulling me down.
The problem is I already know where I’m going to end up. There will be no happy end for Luke and Ronnie; I love Shawn too much. Last night I felt all the best parts of being in love. I can’t give up on that now.
“Juliet,” the stage manager whispers.
I turn. The realization of the two guys spins in my head.
“You’re on.” Her brows go up. Right.
My eyes are on Luke’s again as I step out, but now I get to be Juliet. He’s Romeo. I’m allowed to feel this right now. This floating, happy lightness that comes with Luke’s eyes. This is part of falling. Part of acting. Part of being Juliet. Okay, I’m lying to myself, but it’s such a delightful lie that I fall into it, embrace it and love it.
The warmth of his body overshadows everything as we come together, and I decide that when I’m onstage I’m going to let myself fall. Every night. This is the part of Luke I get to have. The Romeo part. The part of him that gives himself to me. Ignoring the fact that I want him close isn’t going to work. Finding a reason for my desire, like our whole Romeo/Juliet thing, will work. And when this play is over, the way I feel will fade away. It has to. No person could survive being pulled apart like this. Not for long.
I let his gaze fill me, make my chest tingle and warm my body. I’m Juliet, and I’m falling.
What kind of person does all of this make me—this mixing of what’s real and what’s pretend? I’m not sure. And right now, with Luke’s hands in mine, I don’t care.
~ ~ ~
; “I can only talk for a sec.” Those are the first words out of Shawn’s mouth when he calls.
“Okay.” It seems odd after the incredible night we had last night. I’m sort of camped out on my bed, expecting a marathon late-into-the-night chat.
“My mom and my aunt are making me crazy up here.” There’s irritation in his voice. The kind that makes me put up walls.
The problem is that walls are exhausting to build and even more tiring to take down. I ripped down a lot of walls last night. My chest aches from the exhaustion of feeling so much.
“Sorry.”
“Nah, it’s not your problem,” he says.
Not my problem? How does that work if we’re Shawn and Ronnie—we’re supposed to be back to two people who love each other. Who want to be together to share things. “But, I thought that’s what we talked about last night. How we should be talking more, and how I want to be a part of what’s going on.”
“Trust me, you do not want to be a part of this girl talk.” He pushes out a breath. He sounds on edge and frustrated. What changed from yesterday?
“And why’s that?” I try to tease. Maybe if I keep the mood light, we’ll talk.
“They just…I know my dad wasn’t perfect, but it’s like they can’t find anything good to say about him at all. Mom loved him for a long time.”
“And it sounds like he abused her for a long time.” The words are out before I can even think to stop them.
“Well, it’s not like you really know the whole situation, is it?” His voice is hard. Rough.
“No. I don’t.” My heart just hurts from the exhaustion of feeling too much. “You never told me.”
I hear him take another long breath. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just frustrated.”
“So, wanna tell me what’s going on?” Please, talk to me or our night last night will be for nothing. If you don’t move forward, Luke will draw me in further, and you’re the one I’m supposed to be with.