by Jolene Perry
“Your Mom needs you.” She leans down and kisses me.
I part my lips for more, but she’s backed away. “Can I see you tomorrow?” I ask
“I’m…” She frowns. “I’m busy tomorrow.”
“All day?” Do I seem desperate?
“Not all day, but I’m not sure for how long and…” Her words come out in a mumble. Something that never happens with her. She looks away, and I’m suddenly feeling shut out of what she has going on.
“Hey, everything okay?” I touch her cheek lightly to get her to look at me. It takes a second before she lets her eyes reach mine. It’s so unlike her.
“It’s stuff from home. A clan meeting. I can’t be there so I’ll be on the phone. It’s just hard being so far away from everything.” She stands up, letting out a long breath.
I feel like I’m not helping. “Sky, I…” Wait. “Does this have something to do with your brother?” I’m remembering I’ve been meaning to ask her about that since our trip to Red Rock.
“Only kind of. It’s just clan stuff, and I’m part of the group, so I should be involved.” It seems like she’s trying a little too hard. Why do I think this? “My brother is supposed to be involved, but he doesn’t always show.”
I’m not sure what to say, how to call her on it, because I don’t think she’s telling the truth.
“Your mom needs you, Jay. Call me later if you want, but don’t leave your mom until you know she’s okay. I don’t expect to hear from you.” She stands up like liquid and walks in the soft, gliding movements she does so well.
Maybe she’ll tell me tomorrow. Maybe its just stuff that’s important to her, and wouldn’t make any sense to me.
Mom walks back through the living room into the kitchen. She’s back in her workout pants and a T-shirt. Not a good sign for whatever passed between her and Dad.
The problem with helping Mom is that it makes me angry at Dad and it’s really hard to help someone out when you’re mad at the person who hurt them. Especially when they’ve hurt you, too.
Sky disappears out the gate, and I’m pissed at Dad again for ruining a perfectly good afternoon. I know I need to help Mom, but I’m just tired. I take longer in the shower than I need to and when the hot water starts to run out, I’ve run out of excuses.
Mom’s sitting on the couch. The TV is on, but I don’t think she’s actually watching. Her face is flat and her eyes are blank.
“Didn’t go well?” I sit next to her.
“It’s just so…” She looks empty, resigned. “It’s just that I never thought this would be something your dad and I would ever deal with.”
Me either. “Did he say anything about coming home?” Why am I so hopeful? I’m mad at the guy.
Mom wipes tears and takes a breath. I’m an ass for asking. “No, he just wants to see you. I told him you have a meet this week. I’ll skip this one so your dad can go.”
“That’s ridiculous! I don’t want…” But I can’t finish the sentence. I want them both there, but why torture Mom with this? And it sucks too because she’s here doing the daily stuff, and Dad will come to the meet. This will be the second meet Mom’s missed ever. The first one she had something like pneumonia and couldn’t get out of bed. I almost missed that meet. At least Dad wants to come. That’s something, right?
“I don’t want to be around your dad right now. Will it be okay that I’m not there?” Her large brown eyes meet mine.
“It’s okay, Mom. Whatever’s easiest for you.” It sucks seeing Mom such a mess.
“I’m sorry about all of this.” She blinks a few times and has to wipe tears from her eyes.
“You shouldn’t be. My dad, who still hasn’t returned my call, should be sorry about all of this.” I need a punching bag. Seeing Mom cry hits a nerve inside of me that makes me crazy. He loves her! How could he do this?
“I’m sure you have plans, why don’t you—”
“Why don’t we watch a movie, Mom, or go for a swim or something.” It suddenly feels like I’ll let Sky down if I don’t take care of Mom. That, and I know I’d be a real jerk if I just walked out.
Mom leans her head on my shoulder. “Thank you, Jameson.”
“No problem.” But really it’s sort of crazy that I’m suddenly in a position to take care of my mom.
- - -
Sunday afternoon and I still haven’t heard from Sky. I didn’t completely expect to, she had a phone thing today, but it still sucks. We had this amazing night in the pool and she slept over. It’s like I haven’t had the chance to hang out with her in all that greatness.
The backyard gate opens up and Sarah walks through. Not Sky. I’m lying on the far side of the pool. Her light brown hair spins around as she turns to close the gate. She hasn’t noticed me yet. Sarah, who’s so familiar, yet such a stranger, and in a weird place in my head and my heart. I know I still haven’t thought about her the way I should—the way that would make sure I’m past her, over her. Her petite frame walks in short athletic steps, and she pulls her lips into her mouth in a show of nervousness before raising her hand to knock on my door.
“I’m out here.” I sit up.
“Oh!” She spins around. “Hey, Jamesy.”
“What’s up?” Sarah hasn’t just stopped by since… Well, it’s been a long time.
“Checkin’ on ya, that’s all.” Her smile is bright. Her dimples show even from here.
“I’m alright.”
She walks around the edge of the pool. Sarah, who’s somehow forbidden because she’s with someone, and I’m with someone, and it should make our friendship easier. Only it doesn’t, not really. I’m not sure what to do with her.
“Thanks for coming out on Friday.” She sits on the low chair next to me and rests her elbows on her knees.
Oh. Right. I started that night with her and Eric. It feels a million miles away after how the rest of my night went. “Yeah.” My eyes drift over Sarah. She’s in a tank and shorts. On her, it’s cute. On Sky it’s… Well, cute isn’t the word I’d use.
“Sky’s really nice. She followed me to the bathroom.”
Oh. Right, again. I’m supposed to talk to Sarah. “Are you happy with Eric?”
“Yeah.” Her smile is a little too wide and her answer is a little too quick.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” There’s an edge to her voice that makes me think she’s thinking something else, but I don’t know how to call her on it.
We’re silent, and I let myself relax into my chair. I did my part.
“You and Sky are close.” Her eyes are intent.
“Yes.” But I don’t want to tell her how close we are. It’s like a betrayal of trust or something. Telling one girl you like another girl—it feels like something that just isn’t done.
“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?” She kicks my calf with her foot. She’s trying to tease but her body looks too straight, too tense for teasing.
“She’s the most straight-up, honest person I know.” That’s a simple truth. What’s funny is that I always used to think that the mystery was erotic, but it isn’t. Mystery is terrifying. Honesty is erotic. Sky is…
“And that’s good?” She’s chewing on her lower lip.
“Scary as hell at first.” I laugh. “But yeah, it’s nice. We always know where we stand. I tell her what I’m thinking even if I think she won’t want to hear it and she does the same.”
“Maybe I should try that.” Sarah’s head tilts off to the side.
“Everyone should.” If my parents would, maybe they’d be able to get their crap together. Though, I don’t know everything that’s passed between them.
Sarah’s phone beeps in her pocket. “Gotta run.”
“You shouldn’t have to jump every time he calls, or texts, or whatever.” Is this part of what Sky meant?
“And what do you do when Sky calls?” She stands up.
She has me. “Point taken.”
“Thanks
for being worried about me.” She starts to walk away. “It’s sweet.”
Sweet. Sweet. I don’t know what to do with that word. Is it a friend word? I’m not sure. Why did I listen to Sky and talk to Sarah? I want life to be smoothed out, normal, good. Not sweet.
Sarah lets herself out of my yard and I sit up on the chair, check my phone to make sure I haven’t missed anything from Sky. I haven’t. It sucks. I stand up and dive into the pool where none of this will matter for a while.
SEVENTEEN
It’s eleven. Sunday night. I should be sleeping, but Sky still hasn’t called. I’m afraid to call her. Even though we have this honesty thing, I still feel like there’s a lot about her I don’t know. It might be the simple fact that she grew up in a different world than I did. Or that I keep forgetting to ask her about her life before here so I know more about it.
I hear a soft knock on my glass door and leap out of bed. When I slide the door open, Sky’s standing in the darkness. I’ve never seen her look so small.
“I’m sorry, you were probably sleeping and—” I hear her sniff once and before thinking about it, I pull her into my arms and press us together.
“I was lying here wanting you to call.” I’m so glad it’s the truth.
“Can I come in?”
I stand back and close the door behind her. Her eyes are swollen and red.
“What happened to you?” I ask. My hand reaches out to touch the edge of her face. Girls crying scare me. All I want to do is pull her to me and hold her there. I don’t know what else to do.
“Hours on the phone in a meeting where I really should have been present. There’s so much fighting right now. It’s just, expensive to go all that way.” She sounds low, defeated. And I understand nothing about what’s going on.
“Come on.” I take her hand and climb into bed again.
She crawls up and immediately rests her head on my chest. I will never, ever get tired of this.
I’m helping, I’m supporting, I’m doing something. Only she’s upset, and so it also sorta feels like I’m doing nothing. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I really can’t, or shouldn’t or—”
“What about honesty?” I tease and then I realize that it was probably a jerk-off kind of thing to say. “Sorry, ignore me.”
Fortunately, she does ignore my comment. “I just can’t talk. Not about specifics. It involves too many people.” She lets out a sigh. “It was just one of those times when my mistakes were thrown back at me in the most horrible way, and I was accused of things I didn’t do and even after all that, I really miss being there.” Her arm slides around my side and she scoots even closer. “It’s a hard thing to reconcile.”
“I’m sorry I can’t do anything.” It’s ripping me apart that someone or something’s making her feel this way. I wonder if it has anything to do with Gunnar, or if it’s completely different. Or maybe her brother. It seems like I can’t ask.
She laughs a whispery laugh. “You are doing something. I’ve come to you in the middle of the night, and I’m crying all over you and your bed.” She sniffs again.
“I’m glad you’re here.” I have no idea what Mom will say in the morning and right now I don’t care. I reach over, turn off my lamp and run my hand up and down her arm and her back.
Please let her still be here when I wake up.
- - -
My phone buzzes next to my head to wake me for school, and I’m annoyed until I remember Sky stayed over last night. I roll over, and she’s still sleeping. Gorgeous. Her hair is scattered over her face and her pillow. Her breathing is slow and deep. As much as I want to take her in my arms and kiss her awake, I don’t. She’s so beautiful like this.
“I love you, Sky,” I whisper. But stop my hand before it touches her face. I probably shouldn’t wake her, but I do kind of feel like I’m in a kickass romantic movie moment.
I slide up and out of bed as quietly as I can. Okay, this morning is the officially the first day that I really, really, wish I didn’t have school. But they’re picky about absences around sporting events so I know I need to go. But I’m still standing here, staring at Sky in my bed, undecided.
Logic wins. I slide on jeans and a T-shirt. Now I’m fighting the desire to lie with her and wake her up, just so we can share that moment too. But again, I can’t do it. I tiptoe out of my room.
“Jameson.” Mom sighs as I reach the kitchen. She’s on a stool with a bowl of cereal that she’s not eating.
“Shh.” I put my finger to my lips. I can tell by the new expression on her face that it probably wasn’t my best move.
“We talked about this.” She sits back in her stool. Her eyes making holes in the side of my head.
“What did we decide?” I open the fridge to look for orange juice.
“I thought it was clear I didn’t want anyone staying over.” Mom’s voice is a mixture of tired, frustrated and stern.
“She’s not anyone.” I stand up, triumphant with my bottle of o.j. “And it wasn’t at all clear. You just said you were worried.”
Mom rubs her forehead.
“Okay.” I’m being a jerk, and I know it. I move to stand closer to Mom. “I don’t know what happened. I know there was a clan something or other thing going on back home. She knocked on my door in tears at just after eleven last night. I didn’t feel like I could kick her out and send her home.”
Mom’s scowl turns into a faint smile.
Honesty wins out again.
“Don’t make a habit of it and—”
“I’m sure you feel the need to say something about sex, but I already know the drill. We’re not having sex, and now you don’t have to say anything, and we can both be spared the embarrassment.” Or some of the embarrassment. I walk through the kitchen, keeping my eyes from hers. “I gotta get to school.”
“We’ll see you later.”
I step out the door. And let out a breath. Mom confrontation over. Now I’m second-guessing my whole morning. Was it good that I left her there? Bad? I have no idea. Maybe I should have woken her up. I jump into the car before I make myself crazy.
My school day consists of me checking my phone every chance I get to see if Sky’s woken up and sent me anything. My phone is silent. My head is screaming.
- - -
At the end of the school day, I still haven’t heard anything from Sky. I send her a text.
Sorry I just left this am. You OK?
I get a text back a few minutes later, just before I have to ditch my phone for swim practice.
I’m Great. See you after school
I let a deep breath out. She’ll see me after school. We’re good. I’m okay. I show up to the pool to the news that the girls’ team is taking a day off. A day off? What are we doing? Working on endurance. This means my limbs will be rubbery by the time I head for home. Perfect. At least it will provide good distraction.
There’s laughter in the backyard when I come through the gate. Mom, Sky and Sarah. All in my backyard. Together. Laughing. And hopefully not about me.
“There he is!” Mom waves from the table.
I manage to bring my hand up to wave, but I’m sort of baffled by the whole thing.
“You okay?” Sarah teases.
Sky stands up and walks to where I seem to be frozen to the pavers near my door.
“We’re all fine.” Her voice is quiet.
Now that she’s two feet from me, my body starts to relax. The smile playing across her mouth helps, too. I reach out and touch the hair around her face. Her eyes close.
“There are other people here.” Her voice comes out in that barely-whisper she does so well. She swallows as her eyes open to meet mine again.
“Who both know we’re together.” I can’t take my eyes off her. A flash of Sky’s sleeping form in my bed and hair splayed out around my pillow hits me. I lean down to kiss her, but she turns her head and I only catch her cheek.
“Okay, okay.” Mom’s voice carries across th
e yard.
I put an arm around Sky and walk to the table. Mom looks better than I’ve seen her since Dad left. Maybe it’s worth having them all in one spot.
“How did you guys do today?” Sarah laughs as I sit down.
I keep a leg on either side of the bench and my arm on Sky. “My body isn’t working right.” I laugh.
“The girls coach has this thing about resting us up before a meet.” Sarah smiles smugly.
“The guys’ coach has the opposite feeling. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.” This is weird, but nice. We’re all here, I haven’t burst into flames, and I’m still thrilled to be touching Sky.
“When’s your meet?” Sky turns to me, putting our face so close I have to concentrate on her words and my response.
“Right after school tomorrow.”
“Can I come?”
“Yeah.” A smile breaks across my face. “I’d love that. I guess I figured you’d be done with the high school stuff.”
“My high school was barely a high school. The school was a five room building that taught pre-school through twelfth.” Her nose wrinkles up.
“Wow.” How did I not know this?
“Jameson’s really good. It’s landed him more than one scholarship.” Sarah sounds proud, and it makes me feel good again that we can sit here and be like this.
“Have you made any decisions, yet?” Mom asks. She rests her head on her hand and looks at me around Sky.
But Sky’s here, and I don’t want to talk about the possibility of anything changing.
“I was thinking of USC. It’s not too far. UCLA has also offered me a good deal, and that’s even closer.” I keep my eyes on Mom, but my words are intended for Sky.
“No one would argue that their teams are good, but don’t you want to get further away than that?” Sarah leans over the table, her eyes wide in disbelief.
“Not really, no.” I shake my head. “School and swimming and independence don’t have much to do with being close to, or far away, from home.”
“You can be completely dependent on people who are a thousand miles away, and also be completely independent while living with your mom.” Sky’s voice is full of experience and a hint of something I heard from her last night.