by Jolene Perry
In minutes, we’re resting together in my sleeping bag, and I don’t even care how hard the ground is.
“I love that you wanted to come here,” she says. I can still hear the drumming in the background, like this simple, steady beat that’s our music for the night.
We’re lying, nearly pressed together, facing one another. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything. “I love that you asked me here.”
“You’re probably ready for more.”
I know what she’s talking about, but it seems better to feign ignorance. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…” She slides her hands under my shirt. Her hands burn against my bare skin. She opens her mouth like she’s going to talk, but doesn’t. She closes her eyes, “I’m almost there, Jay. I just don’t want you to be disappointed.”
“How can I be disappointed, when I get to sleep next to you again?” That’s a good guy thing to say, right? But if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m a little disappointed. But it’s okay. Maybe she’ll change her mind, or maybe she’ll save it for when she comes back. “I just want to be close to you.” It’s true. It’s not all of the truth, but it’s true. I rest my hands on her shoulders and slide them down her back.
Her eyes re-open, but only until our lips meet. She slides out of her shirt, and helps me with mine. I love the way she feels against me. I’m not even a little disappointed anymore because this is pretty perfect.
TWENTY-ONE
I’m recovered from Prom, mostly. My body aches a bit from sleeping on the ground, but it was worth it. Sky’s home packing. She leaves tomorrow for Alaska. It makes me crazy to think of her up there, so far away. Especially when I feel like she needs protection from Gunnar. But I can’t go there. I have to trust her. I have to trust that she’ll be safe, that she’ll be able to keep herself safe.
At right about the time I expect, she knocks on my door.
“Hey.” I slide it open to let her in. “I’m glad you’re here.”
But just like the first night she stayed over, it feels like something’s different.
“I’m sorry I’m going to miss your graduation.” Sky’s hands slide down my arms and she takes my hands in hers.
“It’s not a big deal.” I shake my head. My heart’s pounding in my ears, and I’m not even sure why.
“Of course it’s a big deal.” She kisses my cheek. “I’ll hopefully just be gone a week or two.”
“Hopefully?” Does that mean she might be gone longer? And how doesn’t she know, what about plane tickets and reservations?
“I think I can help get things straightened out by then.” Her shoulders make a tiny shrug.
“What needs to be straightened out?”
She steps forward and rests her head on my chest. “Just clan, village stuff, Jay. I need to be there. A lot of people are involved. It’s why I haven’t said more about it.”
“I’m worried about you.” I wrap my arms around her more tightly. “I remember last time you had a meeting.” And spent the night crying in my bed. “It sucks that I can’t do it with you.”
She chuckles. “That definitely wouldn’t help things. And I’ll have my mom there.”
The mom who maybe did or didn’t let some guy come in and… But I can’t finish that thought. I’m about to ask her to tell me more, what are they discussing? Why does she need to be present? Sky’s voice interrupts me.
“Do you want to know why I let you kiss me? The night you took me out for my birthday?” She tilts her face back to see me.
“Yes.”
“Because my real name is Night Sky. You knew it the first night you dropped me off. Something passed over your face as you said ‘Night, Sky’ and part of you knew. I was told by my mom after a vision of hers that one day I’d find someone who knew how to fly and that night, you told me you felt like we were flying over the night sky and I knew it. I’m sure you think it all sounds weird or crazy or—”
“No, I don’t.” I tighten my arms slightly. “But I don’t fly.” Not really. And what she’s talking about is huge, isn’t it? It feels like way more than just girlfriend, it feels significant.
“How does it feel when you’re in the water? When you’re swimming or floating and the bottom of the pool is beneath you?” Her eyes are bright. She knows the answer.
“Like I’m flying.”
“And how do you feel when we’re together. When we kiss?” She presses her body against mine, and smiles up at me.
I smile. “Like I’m flying.” And this time my need to feel our bodies together wins out over wanting to protect her or hold her. I slide my hands up her back and she pulls out of her top. She reaches for mine next. It takes me about a half second to drop my shirt on the floor.
Her body burns against my skin and she pulls me to my bed. My lips only leave her long enough for her to scoot backwards on her back and me to follow, half crawling over her. “How long do we have?” she asks.
My heart stops. I stop, our faces close. I’m almost in push-up position, hovering over her. “Mom’s pulling a late shift tonight.”
“Good.” She pulls her face away and traces a finger down my chest. “We can take our time.”
I might pass out. “I love you, Sky.” Just like that.
“I love you, Jay.” She smiles, put her fingers in the top of my pants and pulls me toward her.
All I can do right now is stare at her, wearing just her bra and waiting for me. Take our time.
I let my weight rest on top of her and I swear it hits every nerve; every part of my body is tense with anticipation. Her warmth, her mouth, her hands. Everything feels so good. I pause, our eyes meet, and suddenly it’s all clear. It’s not about sensations and the physical feelings of it—all the things I’ve been thinking about since I first wanted to have sex. It’s so much more. It’s about me and her and how I love her. And how it’s this big thing she’s giving to me. I’m kinda overwhelmed by it all.
“Hey, Jay?” She puts her hands on either side of my face. I’ve seen Sky vulnerable before, but nothing like this. I push off of her, once again hovering. Waiting for her to tell me she’s not ready. “Be careful with me.” The words come out in a rush of her breath.
“Yeah,” I whisper back. “But no added pressure or anything,” I smile, “It’s cool.”
Our mouths meet again, but this little pit of uncertainty in my gut starts clawing.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask, but her mouth is on mine again.
“Definitely sure. I trust you, Jay.” Her eyes are closed. Her hands are on my shoulders.
There is no way I’m moving forward unless she’s sure. “You’re the one who said it wasn’t about levels, that it was about getting to know one another.” And why on earth am I not taking advantage of this situation?
She kisses me again. “Stop thinking and kiss me.”
“You’ve changed me.” I smile as I push up a little to hover over her. “The thought of doing this when you’re…” unsure.
Her fingers slide into the waistband of my pants making me know that this is really, actually, going to happen.
“I love you, Sky.”
She does her whisper giggle as she digs out two condoms from her back pocket and sets them on the bed next to us. My heart’s hammering so hard I can barely breathe.
“Maybe I should be the one to be careful with you,” she teases as she tugs slightly on my pants.
“Maybe you should.” And as we kiss again it feels like my life will never be the same. And not just because of what we’re doing or about to do together, but because I know her. Really know her. And I can’t imagine my life without her in it.
TWENTY-TWO
“I can’t believe you’re leaving.” I’m standing with her on her porch. Our morning was almost as good as last night, but short-lived. Now I’m anxious for her trip to be done, for her to do what she needs to do, so she can come back down.
Our separation pushes into me again. Sky feels so far away when she’s in Al
aska, out of my reach, away from any kind of protection I want to give. It’s like after last night, Sky and I should be different. The world should look different. But our reality is the same, and she’s still leaving, and I’m still a little confused about the whole thing.
“I’m sorry I have to go.” Her hands clutch mine.
“It seems like I should be with you, protecting you or something.”
She shakes her head. “My aunt and uncle and my mom will all be at my mom’s house. I’m safe, Jay. I know that’s what you’re worried about.” She leans up and kisses my cheek. “I feel okay about it all. And I’ll be back down.”
“When?”
Her face clouds over just long enough that I’m afraid to believe whatever she’s about to tell me. “Soon.” She lets go of my hands and holds me tight. Her arms feel desperate. I’m sure mine feel the same.
Why am I so anxious about this? A couple weeks of separation?
“I’ll call you when I can. You can email, but I’ll only be able to get it sometimes.”
“Okay.” And then I watch her step inside her grandparents’ house. Away from me. And it feels significant. I just don’t want it to.
- - -
It’s been three days since Sky left, and I haven’t heard a word. School is almost over, graduation is around the corner, and I can’t focus on anything. I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the pool and all I can think about is Sky.
I can’t stand it any longer and call her phone.
“Hey, Jay.” Her voice sounds thick and my heart starts going frantic. I think the worst and my legs push me to standing like pistons underneath me. “I’m in Ketchikan for the day. I planned on calling.”
“Are you okay? What’s going on?” And why do I suddenly feel so crazy?
“Relax.” I hear a soft chuckle. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure? I feel like you’re just trying to protect me or something. I’ve been going crazy.”
“I wasn’t sure what to tell you.” Her voice sounds shaky, and the breath that comes out after her words also shakes.
My chest drops into my stomach, which drops to the floor. Just as fast as my legs pushed me up, they’ve dropped out from underneath me. “Tell me what?” It sounds like I’m choking on my whisper. What’s going on?
“I have a daughter.”
My brain is in stunned silence. Sky has a daughter?
“I know I should have told you. It’s what all the meetings are for. They want her here. I want her out. One of my aunts has her now, but the chief’s son is the dad. We’re matrilineal and daughters should stay in the clan, but my aunt switched clans, which is creating a mess and—”
“And this is like the biggest thing going on in your life right now.” And she left me out. I’m so stunned that everything’s fuzzed out.
“Yeah.” She sniffs once.
“This is something everyone in your group knows.” It’s all coming together now. The meeting with Tony’s dad, Windy getting kicked in the foot by Jen.
“Um… hmmm.” It’s high-pitched, she’s probably crying.
“I feel like you just kicked me in the gut, Sky. How could you not have said anything?” How could you have shut me out so completely when I based everything I said and did on you being honest?
“I don’t. It’s just.” She can’t talk her way out of this. It’s too big.
“Am I not important enough to you? Is that it? This is huge, Sky. This is a life-changing thing for you that you kept me completely out of. I don’t get it!” Somebody’s hands have to be in my chest right now, pulling it apart. How else would I feel this way?
“I didn’t want to scare you away and—”
“Scare me away! All I’ve done is chase you, Sky! Now I just think you don’t give a shit and that I was some nice distraction for you! Did you think I’d like you less? Is that how little you think of me?”
“If my aunt isn’t granted custody, I can’t leave. I’ll have to stay and—”
“And what, raise the baby by yourself? What about the guy?” Why didn’t she tell me? Why isn’t she trying harder to make me understand?
“The guy? Yeah, Jay, that’s the best part of it. He took what wasn’t his and he’s trying to do it again and if I can’t fix things, I’ll be stuck here—.” Her voice stops.
“Stuck what?”
“You weren’t fair to me either!” I’ve never heard her raise her voice before.
What is she talking about? “How the hell do you figure that?” I’m screaming into the phone and I don’t care.
“I got involved with you even though you still have unresolved things with Sarah!” Her voice still carries more force than I’m used to from her.
What? “Don’t go there.” I shake my head. “These things aren’t comparable! This must have been forefront on your mind the whole time we were together and you never said anything! You’re talking about a lifetime of experiences you didn’t tell me about, things that made you who you are, and you’re comparing it to Sarah?”
“Have you told her how you felt?”
“No.” It doesn’t matter.
“Unresolved.” I can tell she’s crying. I’m trying not to care.
“That’s not fair!”
“Call me when you have things taken care of.”
“No! You call me when you have things taken care of!” I hang up the phone and hurl it across the room. It shatters as it hits the wall.
Shit. That’s gonna cost me.
I slide down to the floor and wish again for a punching bag. What’s she going to do? Why didn’t she trust me with this? What’s going to happen with the guy? Shit again. I’m just angry with her for making me feel this way. No way around that. She has a daughter. There’s a part of Sky out there. A part of Sky she didn’t trust me with, didn’t tell me about.
Sky lied to me.
It hits me again—Sky has a baby. Who is she? How old is she? Why is Sky here if her daughter is there? These are the kinds of things that you don’t forget about for a night, you don’t forget about for an hour, you don’t forget about for a minute. She thought about this every time we were together and she never said anything. Ever. Every time I think I’ve reached a level of misery that couldn’t possibly be matched, something proves me wrong.
I don’t sleep. At all.
- - -
My alarm is in pieces on the floor. My feet crush the phone again as I walk outside. I’m not looking forward to school, or anything. Nothing.
The day passes in a blur. I know more than one person asks me if I’m okay, but I don’t know who they are, if I like them, or what I say in response, if anything.
Coach Carlson lets me swim on my own. I go back and forth across the pool, changing strokes but keeping the same steady, slow rhythm. I don’t realize practice is over until the pool is empty and Carlson blows his whistle and calls my name. Probably more than once.
Now that I’m home, I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to be anywhere so maybe that’s not a fair thing to say. Right now three things are certain. Sarah left me. Dad left me. And Sky shut me out so completely that in a sense, she just left me too, if she was ever actually here. The last thought swings at my chest the hardest.
And now I’m wondering what anyone would—what the hell did I do to deserve this?
- - -
“Jameson, are you okay?” Mom sits next to me on the couch.
“What?” I look around. The TV is off and I’ve probably been staring at it for a while. It’s dark outside, and I’m not sure when that happened—the darkness or the blank TV.
“Are you okay?” Mom’s brows are pulled together, she’s leaning forward and concern pulls the edges of her mouth into a small frown.
“I don’t know.” I breathe out. “Can I borrow your phone?”
“Where’s yours?” She pulls hers from her jeans pocket.
“In pieces on my floor.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but I hold my hand
up between us.
“I know it was stupid. I’ll pay for it.” I’d do just about anything to avoid a lecture right now.
“It’s not that. It just…” She trails off and briefly rubs my back before heading into the kitchen.
I dial myself into my message inbox. Do I want to hear something from Sky? An apology? Or am I still to angry for it to do any good. Does anger always hurt this much?
My dad’s voice instead of Sky’s answers my question. I’m mad. Wow. Anger does hurt this much.
“Jameson, please answer your phone. We’re not together, Jameson. Me and the… Well, stop by my work sometime or just call me back, anytime, doesn’t matter.”
The next message is more of the same.
“I spoke with your mom, she’s okay with me coming to your state swim meet if you are. Call me.”
There’s a sort of sad, lost tone to his voice that puts me on edge. I don’t want to feel bad for dad. I use Mom’s phone to text him.
My phone is broken. You can come if you’re alone.
Am I doing a good thing here? Or will it just create distraction? Kind of ironic. If worrying about my dad is simply distraction, what is the rest of my life? Total chaos? I actually don’t give a crap about the swim meet. I don’t care about graduation, or finals, or swim times or anything. I care that my family’s a mess and Sky’s thousands of miles away both physically and… Shit. I wish this didn’t hurt so bad.
TWENTY-THREE
Third period English. Next to Sarah. I’m not even sure how I feel about it anymore. Maybe I miss Sky too much to care that things between us are awkward. I walk in just before the bell, giving us less time next to one another to chat.
She leans over anyway. “You look terrible. What’s up?”
I lean toward her slightly. Can I just say it? “Sky’s back with her family and—” this is the part I’m not sure I can get out. “I’m not sure if she’s coming back down.”
“Oh.” Sarah’s face looks confused. She’s still watching me too closely. And now I’m not sure why I even try to understand girls. I can’t read her expression at all.