by Jean M. Auel
At almost the same moment, they felt themselves and each other mount and mount, and when he tasted her again, he pulled himself back, turned her around so that she was on her knees, guided himself in, and felt her full, deep well again. She pushed back with each stroke, rocking, moving, plunging in and pulling back, feeling every push, every pull, and then, it came again, first she and, at the next stroke, he felt the marvelous surge of the Mother's great Gift of Pleasure.
They both collapsed, exhausted, pleasurably, wonderfully, languorously exhausted. They felt a draft for a moment, but didn't move, and they even dozed off for a time. When they woke, they got up and washed again, then soaked in the hot waters. To their surprise, when they got out, they found clean, dry, velvety soft leather blankets to dry themselves with beside the entrance.
Madenia walked back to the cave, experiencing feelings she had never known before. She had been moved by Jondalar's intense but controlled passion and his caring tenderness, and by Ayla's eager response and unreserved willingness to abandon herself to him, to trust him completely. Their experience was not at all like the one she had endured. Their Pleasures had been fiery and physical but not brutal; it was not taking from one to serve the other's lust, but giving and sharing to please and gratify each other. Ayla had told her the truth; the Mother's Pleasures could be an exciting, sensual delight, a joyful and pleasurable celebration of their love.
And though she didn't quite know what to do about it, she was aroused, physically and emotionally. She had tears in her eyes. At that moment, she wanted Jondalar. She wished he could be the one to share her womanhood rites, though she knew that wasn't possible. But she decided, at that moment, that if she could have someone like him, she would agree to go through with the ceremony and have her Rites of First Pleasures at the next Summer Meeting.
No one was feeling particularly lively the next morning. Ayla made the "morning-after" drink she had developed for the after-celebration headaches at the Lion Camp, though she only had enough ingredients for the people of the Ceremonial Hearth. She carefully checked her supply of the contraceptive tea she took each morning, and decided it should last until the growing season when she could collect more. Fortunately it wasn't necessary to take much.
Madenia came to see the visitors before noon. Smiling shyly at Jondalar, she announced that she had decided to have her First Rites.
"That's wonderful, Madenia. You won't be sorry," the tall, handsome, wonderfully gentle man said. She looked up at him with such adoring eyes that he bent down and kissed her cheek, then nuzzled her neck and breathed in her ear. He stood up and smiled at her, and she was lost in his remarkable blue eyes. Her heart was beating so fast that she could hardly breathe. At that moment, more than anything, Madenia wished that Jondalar could be the one who would be chosen for her Rites of First Pleasures. Then she felt embarrassed, afraid, that somehow he knew what she was thinking. Suddenly she ran out of the hearth area.
"Too bad we don't live closer to the Losadunai," he said, watching her go. "I would like to help that young woman, but I'm sure they'll find someone."
"Yes, I'm sure they will, but I hope she hasn't built up her expectations too high. I told her that someday she might find someone like you, Jondalar, that she had suffered enough and deserved it. I hope so, for her sake," Ayla said. "But there aren't many like you."
"All young women have high hopes and expectations," Jondalar said, "but it's all imagination before the first time."
"But she has something to base her imagination on."
"Of course, they all know more or less what to expect. It's not like they haven't been around men and women," he said.
"It's more than that, Jondalar. Who do you think left us those dry blankets last night?"
"I thought it was Losaduna, or maybe Solandia."
"They went to their bed before we did; they had their own honoring to do. I asked them. They didn't even know we had gone to the sacred waters – although Losaduna seemed particularly pleased about it."
"If they didn't, then who… Madenia?"
"I'm almost certain it was."
Jondalar frowned with concentration. "We've been traveling alone together for so long that… I've never really said it before, but… I feel a little… I don't know… reluctant, I guess, to be as impetuous, as free when we're around people. I thought we were alone last night. If I'd known she was there, I might not have been as… unrestrained," he said.
Ayla smiled. "I know," she said. She was becoming more and more aware that he didn't like to reveal the deeply sensitive side of his nature, and she was pleased that he would express himself to her, in words and actions. "I'm glad you didn't know she was there, both for me, and for her."
"Why for her?" he asked.
"I think that's what convinced her to go ahead with her womanhood ceremony. She had been around men and women sharing Pleasures often enough that she didn't think about it, until those men forced her. Afterward she could only think about the pain, and the horror of being used as a thing, with no thought for her as a woman. It's hard to explain, Jondalar. Something like that makes you feel so… terrible."
"I'm sure that's true, but I think there was more to it," the man said. "After a girl has her first moon time, but before she has had her First Rites, a woman is most vulnerable – and most desirable. Every man is drawn to her, perhaps because she may not be touched. At any other time, a woman is free to choose any man, or none, but at that time, it is dangerous for her."
"Like Latie wasn't even supposed to look at her brothers," Ayla said. "Mamut explained about that."
"Maybe not entirely," Jondalar said. "It is up to the girl-woman to show restraint then, and it's not always easy. She is the center of attention; every man wants her, particularly the younger ones, and it can be hard for her to resist. They follow her around, trying every way they can to get her to give in to them. Some girls do, especially those who have a long wait before the Summer Meeting. But if she allows herself to be opened without the proper rituals, she is… not well thought of. If it's found out, and sometimes the Mother blesses her before she is a woman, making sure everyone knows that she was opened – people can be cruel. They blame her and make fun of her."
"But why should they blame her? They should blame the men who won't let her alone," Ayla said, irked at the unfairness.
"People say if she can't show restraint, she lacks the qualities to assume the responsibilities of Motherhood and Leadership. She will never be chosen to sit on the Council of Mothers, or Sisters, or whatever name her people give to their council of highest authority, so she loses status, which makes her less desirable as a mate. Not that she loses the status of her mother or her hearth – nothing she is born with is taken away – but she will never be chosen by a man of high status, or even one who has the potential for it. I think Madenia feared that as much as anything," Jondalar said.
"No wonder Verdegia said she was ruined." Ayla's brow creased with concern. "Jondalar, will her people accept Losaduna's cleansing ritual? You know that once she is open, she can never really go back to the way she was."
"I think so. It wasn't that she didn't show restraint. She was forced, and people are angry enough about Charoli to use that against him. There may be a few who will have reservations, but she will have a lot of defenders, too."
Ayla was silent for a while. "People are complicated, aren't they? Sometimes I wonder if anything is really what it seems."
"I think it will work, Laduni," Jondalar said. "I do think it will work! Let me go through it again. We'll use the bowl boat to carry dried grass, and enough burning stones to melt ice for water, plus extra rocks to build a fire on, and the heavy mammoth hide to put the rocks on so they won't sink into the ice when they get hot. We can carry food for us, and probably Wolf, in pack baskets and our backframes."
"It will be a heavy load," Laduni said, "but you don't have to boil the water – that will save on burning stones. You just have to melt it enough so the horses can drink
it; both of you and the wolf, too. It doesn't have to be hot, but make sure it's not icy. And make sure you drink enough; don't try to be sparing. If you have warm clothes, get enough rest, and drink enough water, you can resist the cold."
"I think they should try it out in advance, to see how much they will need," Laronia said.
Ayla saw that Laduni's mate had made the suggestion. "That's a good idea," she said.
"But Laduni's right, it will be a heavy load," Laronia added.
"Then we'll have to go through our things and get rid of everything we can," Jondalar said. "We won't need much. Once we get across, we'll be close to Dalanar's Camp."
They were already down to bare necessities. How much more could they get rid of? Ayla thought as the meeting broke up. Madenia fell in beside her as she walked back to their sleeping place. The girl-woman had not only developed a strong crush on Jondalar, but a bit of hero-worship toward Ayla, which made Ayla a little uncomfortable. But she liked Madenia and asked her if she would like to sit with her while she sorted through her things.
As Ayla began unpacking and spreading out her belongings, she tried to remember how many times she had done this before on this Journey. It would be difficult to make choices. Everything had some meaning to her, but if they were going to get across this formidable glacier that Jondalar had been worrying about from the beginning, with Whinney and Racer, and Wolf, she had to eliminate as much as possible.
The first package she opened contained the beautiful outfit made of soft chamois that Roshario had given to her. She held it up, then spread it out in front of her.
"Oooh! How beautiful! The patterns that are sewn on, and the way it's cut, I've never seen anything like it," Madenia said, unable to resist reaching out to touch it. "And so soft! I have never felt anything so soft."
"It was given to me by a woman of the Sharamudoi, people who live far away from here, near the end of the Great Mother River, where she is truly a great river. You wouldn't believe how big the Mother River gets. The Sharamudoi are really two people. The Shamudoi live on the land and hunt chamois. Do you know that animal?" Ayla asked. Madenia shook her head. "It is a mountain animal, something like an ibex, but smaller."
"Yes, I do know that, but we call it by a different name," Madenia said.
"The Ramudoi are River People and hunt the great sturgeon – that's a huge fish. Together, they have a special way of curing the hides of the chamois to make them soft and supple like this."
Ayla picked up the embroidered tunic and thought about the Sharamudoi people she had met. It seemed so long ago. She could have lived with them; she still felt the same way, and she knew she would never see them again. She hated the thought of leaving the gift from Roshario behind. Then she looked into Madenia's shining eyes as she admired it, and Ayla made a decision.
"Would you like to have this, Madenia?"
Madenia jerked her hands back as though she had touched something hot. "I couldn't! It was a gift to you," she said.
"We have to lighten our load. I think Roshario would be pleased if you would accept it, since you love it so. It was meant to be a matrimonial outfit, but I already have one."
"Are you sure?" Madenia said.
Ayla could see her eyes glistening, incredulous at the thought of such a beautiful, exotic outfit. "Yes, I'm sure. You might consider it for your Matrimonial, if it is appropriate. Think of it as a gift to remember me."
"I don't need a gift to remember you," Madenia said, her eyes brimming with tears. "I will never forget you. Because of you, maybe, someday, I will have a Matrimonial, and if I do, I will wear it then." She couldn't wait to show it to her mother, and to all her friends and age-mates at the Summer Meeting.
Ayla was glad she had decided to give it to her. "Would you like to see my Matrimonial outfit?"
"Oh, yes," Madenia said.
Ayla unwrapped the tunic Nezzie had made for her when she had planned to mate with Ranec. It was an ochre yellow, the color of her hair. A carving of a horse had been wrapped inside it, and two almost perfectly matched pieces of honey-colored amber. Madenia couldn't believe Ayla could have two outfits that were so exotically beautiful, yet so different from each other, but she was afraid to say too much, for fear Ayla might feel required to give her this one, too.
Ayla studied it, trying to decide what to do with it. Then she shook her head. No, she could not part with it, it was her Matrimonial tunic. She would wear it when she mated with Jondalar. In a way, it had a part of Ranec in it, too. She picked up the small horse carved out of mammoth ivory and fondled it absentmindedly. This, too, she would keep. She thought about Ranec, wondered how he was. No one had ever loved her more, and she would never forget him. She could have mated him and been happy with him, if she hadn't loved Jondalar so much.
Madenia had tried to restrain her curiosity, but finally she had to ask. "What are those stones?"
"They're called amber. They were given to me by the headwoman of the Lion Camp."
"Is that a carving of your horse?"
Ayla smiled at her. "Yes, it's a carving of Whinney. It was made for me by a man with laughing eyes and skin the color of Racer's coat. Even Jondalar said he had never known a better carver."
"A man with brown skin?" Madenia asked, incredulous.
Ayla smiled wryly. She couldn't blame her for doubting. "Yes. He was a Mamutoi, and his name was Ranec. The first time I saw him, I couldn't help staring at him. I'm afraid I was very impolite. I was told that his mother was as dark as… a piece of that burning stone. She lived far to the south, across a great sea. A Mamutoi man named Wymez made a long Journey. He mated her, and her son was born to his hearth. She died on their way back, so he returned with only the boy. The man's sister raised him."
Madenia gave a little shiver of excitement. She thought the only thing south was the mountains, and that they went on forever. Ayla had traveled so far and knew so much. Maybe someday she would make a Journey like Ayla, and meet a brown man who would carve a beautiful horse for her, and people who would give her beautiful clothes, and find horses that would let her ride them, and a wolf that loved children, and a man like Jondalar, who would ride the horses and make the long Journey with her. Madenia was lost in daydreams of great adventure.
She had never met anyone like Ayla. She idolized the beautiful woman who led such an exciting life, and she hoped she might be like her in some way. Ayla spoke with a strange accent, but that only added to her mystery, and hadn't she suffered a forced attack by a man when she was a girl, too? Ayla had gotten over it but understood how someone else felt. In the warmth, love, and understanding of the people around her, Madenia was beginning to recover from the horror of the incident. She began to imagine herself, mature and wise, telling some young girl, who had suffered such an attack, about her experience, to help her overcome it.
While Madenia daydreamed, she watched Ayla pick up a neatly tied package. The woman held it but didn't open it; she knew exactly what was inside it, and she had no intention of leaving it behind.
"What's that?" the girl asked, as Ayla put it aside.
Ayla picked it up again; she hadn't seen it herself for some time. She looked around to make sure Jondalar was not in sight, then untied the knots. Inside was a pure white tunic decorated with ermine tails. Madenia's eyes became big and round.
"That's as white as snow! I've never seen any leather colored white like that," she said.
"Making white leather is a secret of the Crane Hearth. I learned how to make it from an old woman, who learned it from her mother," Ayla explained. "She had no one to pass the knowledge down to, so when I asked her to teach me, she agreed."
"You made that?" Madenia said.
"Yes. For Jondalar, but he doesn't know it. I'm going to give it to him when we reach his home, I think for our Matrimonial," Ayla said.
When she held it up, a package fell out if it, too. Madenia could see it was a man's tunic. Except for the ermine tails, there were no decorations; no embroidered pat
terns or designs, no shells or beads, but it needed none. Decorations would have detracted. In its simplicity, the pure whiteness of the color made it stunning.
Ayla opened the smaller package. Inside was the strange figure of a woman with a carved face. If she hadn't just seen wonder after wonder, it would have frightened the girl; dunai never had faces. But somehow it was all right for Ayla to have one.
"Jondalar made this for me," Ayla said. "He told me he made it to capture my spirit, and for my womanhood ceremony, the first time he taught me the Mother's Gift of Pleasure. There was no one else to share in it, but we didn't need it. Jondalar made it a ceremony. Later he gave this to me to keep because it has great power, he says."
"I believe it," Madenia said. She had no desire to touch it, but she didn't doubt that Ayla could control any power it held.
Ayla sensed her uneasiness and wrapped the figure back up again. She tucked it inside the carefully folded white tunic and wrapped that in the fine, thin sewn-together rabbit hides that protected it, then tied it with the cords.
Another wrapped package held some of the gifts she had received at her adoption ceremony, when she was accepted into the Mamutoi. She would keep them. Her medicine bag would go with her, of course, firestones and fire-making kit, her sewing kit, one change of inner clothes, and felt boot liners, sleeping rolls, and hunting weapons. She looked over her bowls and cooking implements and eliminated all but the absolute essentials. She would have to wait for Jondalar to decide about the tents, ropes, and other gear.
Just as she and Madenia were about to go out, Jondalar came into the dwelling space. He and several others had just returned with a load of brown coal, and he had come in to sort through his things. Several other people came in then, too, including Solandia and her children with Wolf.