by Leanne Banks
“I might,” Katrina said, nodding. “They really were nice to me. They always wanted to know where I was, but they were nice.”
“And no sign of your mom’s boyfriend, right?” Abby asked.
Katrina’s eyes darkened. “Ex. My mom’s ex. He’s gone for good. She promised, and I think she means it. She’s talking about dropping one of her jobs so she can spend more time with me.”
“That would be great. You know I’m so proud of you, don’t you?” Abby said and pulled Katrina into a big hug.
Katrina resisted for half a second then returned the hug. “Yeah. It wasn’t fun, but it had to be done. I like that you didn’t make me do it. You just made me think I deserved to be treated better.”
Abby gave her another squeeze then pulled back. “Never, ever forget that,” she said.
Katrina met her gaze. “I won’t. See ya tomorrow night?”
“I’ll be there,” Abby said and stood. “Call me if you need anything.”
Katrina nodded. “I’ll do that.”
After going to another class, Abby received terrific grades on an exam and a paper she’d turned in two weeks ago. She was flying high by the time she was scheduled to meet Cade at DJ’s for a quick early bite. Just as she entered the eatery, her cell rang. It was Cade.
“Hey,” she said. “Everything okay?”
“I decided to pick up ribs and bring them back to the house. Is that okay with you?” he asked.
“Sure, sure,” she said, but wondered about something she heard in his voice. “I should be there in about fifteen minutes.”
“See you then,” he said and hung up.
His tone bothered her, but she had no idea what was wrong. She would ask when she got to his house. The important thing was that they would be together. She’d been looking forward to seeing him since she woke up this morning, she thought, smiling to herself.
Pulling into his driveway, she bounded up the steps, knocked on the door and stepped inside. Stella immediately came to greet her, wagging her tail. “Welcome me here, darlin’,” she called. “I’ve had a crazy-good day and it’s just gonna get better.”
Cade appeared in the doorway with an inscrutable expression on his face. “What happened during your crazy-good day?” he asked in a subdued tone.
“Are you okay?” she asked, studying him.
“Tell me your good news,” he said.
She rubbed Stella’s soft, furry head and stepped toward him. “Where do I begin?” she said and looped her arm in his. “I got As on my exam and one of my major papers. Katrina moved back in with her mother and that’s looking good. And the best thing is I get to see you.” She stood up on tiptoe and pressed her lips against his.
He gave a brief response. “Good for you. Congratulations.”
She looked at him in confusion. “Something’s wrong. Tell me,” she urged.
“Some things happened today that made me start thinking,” he said.
“About what?” she asked.
He took a quick breath and narrowed his eyes. “About us.”
“What about us?” she asked, his expression making her stomach knot. “Have you been happy when you’ve been with me?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been happy.”
“That’s good, because I’ve been unbelievably happy. The only thing that would make me happier is if we didn’t have to keep it a secret. My feelings for you seemed to be growing exponentially every day. Every time we’re together, I feel closer to you. I—” She bit her tongue, but could no longer hold back the words. “I love you, Cade. You’re such an incredible man. Being with you is a dream come true for me.”
Cade looked at her for a long moment then looked away.
Her heart fell at his lack of response. Oh, please, Cade, don’t bail on me now.
He lifted one of his hands and cleared his throat. “Sweetheart, you may think you want me. You may think you love me, but you haven’t been around me enough to really know that.”
She stared at him in disbelief, then shook her head. “Yes, I have. I’ve known you forever.”
“You haven’t known me as a man,” he said. “Even you would say you’ve been carrying around a heavy dose of hero worship for a long time.”
“And it was valid. You’ve been a hero to a lot of people. You’ve been the man that so many people knew they could depend on, especially if they needed help,” she said. “I could meet a hundred other men and it wouldn’t make any difference to my feelings. I know my own heart.”
“Just listen to me. I think we need to slow things down,” he said, meeting her gaze.
Shock rushed through her. “Slow down? Now?” She laughed in disbelief. “It’s too late for that. I’m in love with you, Cade.” She paused and the silence that followed was deafening.
She shook her head. “You can’t say it, can you?” She felt as if her world had been turned upside down. “You obviously have feelings for me, but you can’t say them. It’s just you, me and Stella, and you can’t say anything about what I mean to you.”
He clenched his jaw and she could see he was wrestling with something inside him. But it looked as if she wasn’t on the winning side.
Insidious, ugly doubt crept inside her. Her sister’s words of warning played through her mind. Maybe Cade didn’t really love her. Maybe he couldn’t.
She bit her lip as her chest twisted so tightly it hurt. “I don’t know what to say. You can stand up in front of hundreds of people and ask Laila to marry you, but you can’t give me any words at all. None,” she said and waited through another agonizing silence.
“I need to go,” she said, feeling the pressure of tears build behind her eyes. She ran for the door. She stumbled down the steps and blindly climbed into her car. The first sob racked through her and she tried to keep another at bay as she started her car. If she could just get away from his house, off his property, away from him…
She barreled down the driveway, tears falling heedlessly down her cheeks. She swiped at them so she could see to turn onto the road. Abby felt as if her heart was being ripped from her chest. She couldn’t remember hurting this much, feeling this much pain. Her throat ached from holding back her sobs. She pulled into a church parking lot and killed the engine of her little car and cried until she wore herself out with her grief.
Gutted from her emotional outburst, she knew this wouldn’t be the last time she would cry. Putting her car into gear, she began to drive and hated that Laila’s prediction had become true. Cade, her beautiful, wonderful, caring Cade, wasn’t capable of giving his heart anymore. Abby had come into his life too late.
Instead of driving home, she found herself heading for Laila’s apartment. She couldn’t face her family. She really didn’t want to face anyone right now, but she thought Laila might understand her feelings. Laila’s heart had never been broken, but she’d seen Abby’s broken heart coming from a mile away.
She closed her eyes and sighed. Was there any way she could have prevented this? It would have been the same as trying to prevent a blizzard. She debated going to Laila’s apartment. Her sister might not even be there. Jackson could be there. Abby almost decided to drive away, but punched her sister’s cell-phone number. One ring. Two rings. Three— Abby lifted her finger over the stop button.
“Hey, Abby, what’s up?” Laila said.
“Are you busy?” Abby asked.
“No. I was going to meet Jackson for dinner, but he has a special conference call. You want to go somewhere for dinner?”
“I’m not very hungry,” Abby said, cursing the waver in her voice.
“Abby, are you okay?” Laila asked, concern threading through her voice. “Where are you?”
“In your parking lot,” Abby said, her voice caught between tears and laughter.
“Get your butt up here right now,” Laila said. “Or I’ll come out there and get you myself.”
Her sister’s scolding warmed her heart. “Okay. I’m coming, but it’s not gonna be
pretty.”
She made her way to her sister’s apartment, and Laila was holding the door open before Abby even arrived. Laila scooped Abby into her arms and ushered her into her apartment. “What happened, sweetie?”
Unable to bear the sweet worry in her sister’s gaze, Abby looked down. “You were right,” she said, the terrible knot growing in her throat again. “You were right. Cade can’t love me,” she said and began to sob again.
“Oh, Abby,” Laila said and guided her to the sofa and just held her while she cried.
Abby finally felt her tears wane. “Sheesh,” she said, taking a deep breath. “You would think I wouldn’t have any more water left in me.”
Laila gave a soft smile. “Let me fix you a cup of tea.”
“I don’t really like tea,” Abby said.
“You will right now. I’ll add a little honey and booze. Lean your head back on the sofa and take some deep breaths.”
While Laila made her tea, Abby closed her eyes and felt as if the room were spinning. Laila gave her a cool, damp washcloth for her face then doctored her cup of tea and brought it to her.
“Wait a moment or two then just sip it,” Laila said and pushed Abby’s hair from her face. “I was so afraid of this happening. You never got involved in the games with guys. You weren’t interested in stringing along a bunch of guys just for the fun of it. You were saving your heart for the real thing. I knew that when you decided to love someone, you would love with all your heart. When I first saw you and Cade getting involved, I thought it could be good for both of you. But the more I thought about it, the more I became afraid, because you’re so emotional and Cade is not.”
“But he is,” Abby said. “That’s the thing. He’s very emotional. He’s talked with me about losing his mom and Dominique.”
Laila widened her eyes in surprise. “Whoa. Dominique? That surprises me. He was always a clam when it came to that subject.”
“He is an emotional man,” Abby said. “But I’m afraid you’re right that he can’t give his heart again.” She felt the terrible sensation of tears backing up behind her eyes again and groaned. “Not again. I don’t want to cry again.”
“Sip your tea,” Laila said.
Abby did as Laila instructed.
“And another,” Laila said.
Abby took another sip. “This isn’t bad.”
“The honey and the booze help. Keep on sipping. I wish I could tell you that it’s a magic drink and you’ll never cry again, but I would be lying,” Laila said. “You love too hard for it not to hurt a lot when it doesn’t work out. But listen to me,” Laila said, dipping her head to look straight into Abby’s gaze. “You deserve a man who loves just as hard as you do and nothing less.”
“I’m not sure such a man exists,” Abby said hopelessly.
“You don’t have to think about whether he exists or not tonight. You just need to know that you deserve a man who can give you all his heart. Now, I’m going to call Jackson and tell him not to come over.”
“Oh, no, I don’t want to interrupt—”
“You’re not interrupting. I can see Jackson tomorrow. You and I will drink spiked tea and watch something stupid on television.” She gave Abby another hug. “I’m glad you came to me. It means a lot. Now let me put on some more tea.”
Laila provided a much-needed diversion from Abby’s misery, and after another cup of tea, Abby had no trouble falling asleep the second her head hit the pillow. When she awakened in the morning, though, her pain hit her first thing. Her impulse was to pull the covers over her head, but she knew she couldn’t.
Forcing herself from bed, she took a shower and the water felt like a healing spray on her face and body. Afterward, she walked into the kitchen where Laila was fixing eggs and bacon. “There you are. Good morning, sunshine,” she said.
“Yeah, sunshine. That’s me,” Abby said. “Impressive breakfast.”
“Feel the love. You better eat it,” she said spooning the food onto a plate. “Orange juice? Coffee? Oh, that’s right. You don’t drink coffee.”
Surprised, Abby took a bite of bacon. “I’m surprised you knew I didn’t like coffee,” Abby said, sitting down at the kitchen table.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Laila asked, joining her at the table. “You’re my sister.”
“I’m one of six. You can’t know the preferences of all of us,” she said.
“You’d be surprised. You may think no one notices you, but we’re all proud of you. We know you make straight As. We talk about you behind your back and wonder if you’re going to be the first one to get an advanced degree.”
“I’ve got to get this one first,” she said. “But it’s nice to know you’re rooting for me even if it’s done in secret.”
“Right. Now you’re going to need a strategy so you don’t burst into tears every other hour,” Laila said. “You need to keep busy, but also take lots of naps.”
“How do you know about this? You’ve never had a broken heart,” Abby said.
“I’ve gotten close a couple times, but I’ve nursed a few friends through some terrible breakups. And,” she said, putting her hand on Abby’s arm, “I couldn’t stand it if Jackson and I broke up now. The very thought of it makes my heart stop. It would be too terrible.”
Abby nodded, the yawning sadness stretching inside her.
“But you don’t have to do it alone. I want you to call me anytime. If you don’t call me, I’ll harass you. And remember, you have the Cates backbone,” Laila said. “Now eat your breakfast. You need nourishment.”
Abby left Laila’s apartment and went home to change clothes. Thank goodness she had a busy day. She worked at the community center, gave her presentation for class, finished a paper and forced down a sandwich before she left for ROOTS. The girls were wired tonight because Thanksgiving was less than two weeks away. They sorted donated food into bags for families in need. By the end of the evening, all of them were pleased with how much they’d accomplished.
“You guys did great,” Abby said. “Tell your parents what you did tonight, and if they could use a bag because growing teenagers eat food like they have holes in their legs, send them over. We’re still collecting food.”
“You’ll be here next week, right?” Katrina asked.
“Absolutely. Wouldn’t miss our before Thanksgiving get-together. But I have to tell you I’ve got a ton of work right now with my classes. So you won’t get much sympathy from me if you’re not staying on top of your schoolwork,” Abby said.
There was a collective groan. “Whatever happened with that guy you liked? When we fixed your makeup and hair so you could get his attention?” Keisha asked.
Abby felt a sudden stab of pain and took a quick breath. “Didn’t work out. I guess he wasn’t the right one.”
“Stupid guy,” Keisha said. “You’re the best.”
“Thanks,” Abby said. “I needed that.”
Abby successfully made it home, made a cup of herbal tea with a heavy dose of honey and let it cool while she took a shower. She took a few sips and climbed under her bedcovers and cried herself to sleep.
Cade worked around the clock on Tuesday through Wednesday. Work was a solace. He felt as if he’d smashed a butterfly. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Abby’s hurt face. The devastation he’d seen in her gaze, heard in her voice, made him feel like the worst human being on the face of the earth. The truth was that he did have feelings for Abby. The truth was also that he couldn’t give Abby what she needed. He’d known that from the beginning and it had only become more clear with each time he’d shared with her.
He never should have given in to his feelings for her, but she’d made him greedy for her passion and lightness. She’d made him want what he hadn’t had in too long, maybe what he’d never had.
“Take a break,” his father said. “We’re all going to the community center to watch the kids do their little show.”
“I’m not in the mood,” Cade said.
“W
ell, get in the mood,” his father said. “We have to be good examples. The director invited us, so we have to go. You look like hell. Brush your hair, wash your face. Do something to yourself, then come over. It won’t last that long.”
Cade washed his face, brushed his teeth and tried to avoid looking in the mirror. He had done what he was determined not to do. Hurt Abby.
Pulling on a jacket and putting a hat on his head, he walked over to the community center. It was a cold night and the scent of oncoming snow was heavy in the air. The merchants were mixing Thanksgiving and Christmas lights and decorations in anticipation of the holiday season. As usual, he felt no joy at the season. Abby would, though. She would find a way to get him to smile, use something like that dang gobbling turkey still hanging in his kitchen or hold some mistletoe over his head.
He tried to shake off the thoughts as he stepped inside the community center to the sound of children singing. Standing in the back, he watched the kids perform their well-practiced show. One little pilgrim forgot his words and he heard Abby give a prompt. His gaze automatically flew in her direction.
The room was more dark than not, so he had to focus to find her, but he did, standing on one side in the front, encouraging the kids. She would be a great mother, he thought. Loving and fun-loving, she would make growing up an adventure, just as she would make marriage an adventure for the right man. She would find him, he knew. The knowledge brought a bitter taste to his mouth.
He stayed through the rest of the show, but left as soon as the audience applauded. He needed to get home. With his mind being tortured nonstop, he needed the escape that sleep could provide.
After arriving home, he turned on the TV to drown out the silence, then downed a peanut-butter sandwich and a glass of milk. The TV quickly annoyed him, so he turned it off. Stella watched him wander around from the den to the kitchen and back. Little bits of Abby mocked him. The turkey hanging in his kitchen, mistletoe she’d hung in three different doorways. It was more painful for him to look at that turkey than it was for him to look at Dominique’s necklace.