Different Strokes: How I (Gulp!) Wrote, Directed, and Starred in an X-rated Movie (John Warren Wells on Sexual Behavior)

by Lawrence Block

  COMEDIAN

  (Mit German accent.) Funny thing happened to me in the theater last night. The guy next to me was masturbating. “Ignore him,” my friend says to me. So I said to him, “I can’t, he’s using my hand.” (Waits in vain for a laugh.) But seriously, folks, it’s really a pleasure for me to be here tonight. There’s no audience like a Berlin audience. Always laughing and happy. I mean, who ever saw a sour Kraut? (Waits in vain for a laugh.) Moving right along, this guy came up to me tonight and said to me, “Hey, mister, you want to get screwed?” So I said, “Yeah.” So he said, “Here, cash my check.” (Waits in vain for a laugh.) But really, folks, when I left here last night there’s this drunk outside the club. He hails a cab and leans over to the driver and asks him. These are all real conversations I’m reporting to you, folks. So this guy leans over to the driver and asks him, he asks him, “Hey, you got room in that cab for three kegs of beer?” So the driver says, “Sure.” So the guy leans in back and goes (Imitates guy throwing up disgustingly.) See what he did, he leaned into the cab and . . . (Trails off, still waiting for a laugh.) Well, I want to thank you all, folks, for being such a wonderful audience. You know, like Lady Godiva said when she got off her horse, “I come to my clothes.” You know, Lady Godiva was—Ha ha ha, okay, goodnight everybody, and God bless. (Throughout this dreck we have a montage of the totally bored audience. If one waiter happens to look like Hitler, that would be a nice touch. Now the EMCEE comes out, very bouncy.)

  EMCEE

  Isn’t he something, ladies and gentlemen? That was Crazy Otto, ladies and gentlemen, and let’s give him another great big hand. (Waits in vain for applause.) So it goes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a special Berlin welcome for the little girl you’ve all been waiting for, the star of our show, fresh from her engagement at the Scheisskopf Room of the exclusive Club Gotterdammerung, and now appearing live on our stage, that little bundle of dynamite, that vun-derbar Wehrmacht— (Fanfare.) Sophie!!! (A warm follow spot picks up.)

  SOPHIE

  Leg at the split of the curtain. She comes on stage dressed right out of Cabaret, decadent make-up, etc. We see her, but what we hear is the audience suddenly beginning to pay attention. We have a shot of everybody staring at her, and then we close on her as she belts her big number. SONG: HE NEVER TOUCHED MY HEART

  SOPHIE

  My first man was a doctor

  His bedside manner was keen

  His diagnosis cured my thrombosis

  And straightened out my spleen

  The way he wielded his scalpel

  Just tore my tissues apart

  But all his pretty pills failed to cure my ills.

  He never touched my heart

  CHORUS

  He was a good man, he was a true man.

  A master of the lover’s art

  He touched all the right buttons

  But he never touched my heart

  SOPHIE

  My second man was a lawyer—

  His piercing skill was just grand

  Like Perry Mason he won each case in the

  Highest court in the land

  He cross-examined me closely

  God, the fellow was smart

  But all his winning wit didn’t help a bit—

  He never touched my heart

  CHORUS

  (Repeat first CHORUS lines.)

  SOPHIE

  My third man was a policeman

  The protector of Central Park

  He walked the border of law and order

  And kept me safe after dark.

  The way he handled his nightstick

  Filled me with awe from the start

  But badge and gun and stick couldn’t turn

  the trick. He never touched my heart

  CHORUS

  (Repeat first CHORUS lines.)

  SOPHIE

  My fourth man and my fifth man

  Were not worth calling back

  One sold insurance but lacked endurance

  The other pushed a hack

  I’ve had a lot of men since then

  From Burt Reynolds to Jean-Paul Sartre

  But they don’t do a thing, bells refuse to ring

  They never touch my heart

  CHORUS

  They were good men, they were true men, Masters of the lover’s arts

  SOPHIE

  They touched all the right buttons But they never touched my heart

  Now I don’t give up so easy I’m always ready to try

  I’ll stop my bitching and keep on pitching

  ’til I find that special guy

  I know he’s waiting there somewhere

  To upset my applecart

  A magic new man, a superhuman

  A man to touch my heart

  CHORUS

  He’ll be a good man, he’ll be a true man

  A master of the lover’s art

  But if he makes me believe that he needs me . . .

  He just might touch my heart.

  The audience loves the song all the way through and goes crazy at the end. SOPHIE vamps a guy in the audience and he does a double take. He is embarrassed, like when you were a kid and the magician called you to be a volunteer on stage. He gets up there finally and she begins to open his pants, etc.

  FIRST STOOGE

  Ach, my dear, I am a married man!

  SOPHIE

  Well, I’m no virgin myself, honey.

  FIRST STOOGE

  But what will I tell my wife?

  SOPHIE

  (Mit German accent.) Tell her you were only following orders. (That’s enough for him, and away they go. They wind up in some fantastic number and there is tremendous applause—throughout these sex scenes we intercut shots of the absorbed and appreciative audience. Then SOPHIE picks another volunteer from the audience, a painted-up doll whom we, having seen the script, know to be a TRANSVESTITE. SOPHIE and the TRANSVESTITE exchange a long groping kiss while the FIRST STOOGE stands behind the TRANSVESTITE and plays with his breasts and ass, etc.

  SOPHIE

  It’s funny, liebchen. I don’t usually turn on to girls.

  TRANSVESTITE

  Neither do I, doll.

  SOPHIE

  But there’s something about you that gets to me . . .

  TRANSVESTITE

  Maybe it’s . . . this!

  And the TV lifts his skirt to display his cock, which gets wild applause from the audience, delight from SOPHIE, and the proper sort of shocked dismay from the FIRST STOOGE. They get into another delicious sexual number with the TV and the FIRST STOOGE both socking it to SOPHIE, the TV wearing as much drag as possible, just exposing his cock. Fantastic trio number and more applause. Then she gets three more guys on stage and they wind up in the flying wedge, which will not be described until we have confirmation of our international copyrights. Intercut shots of audience reaction throughout. The sequence winds up with all five guys coming in the aforementioned flying wedge. They’re destroyed, and we have a shot of the whole audience rising in a body and moving toward the stage, and SOPHIE hasn’t made it and isn’t going to, and she reacts in alarm to these dozens of potential fuckers approaching her, and

  SOPHIE

  Pluto, um (Snap of fingers and away we go.)

  Bit: The PIANO PLAYER who has accompanied her song also stays at the piano during the sex number, and plays various shit for us. We intercut shots of him at the piano, playing away but looking with longing at SOPHIE. Finally he can’t stand it, and leaps from the piano, tears off his clothes, and heads for the sex pile-up, and we have a shot of a player piano tinkling away without him.

  211. Human chessboard. Start shot on a girl from above. A tight shot and pullback to reveal the entire thing. This can be staged anywhere we can get a floor with a large checkerboard pattern. There are sixteen white pieces and sixteen black pieces and they are just that—sixteen white girls and sixteen black girls occupying various squares on the board. We have a short montage among the g
irls. They all have worried expressions on their faces.

  212. Same scene viewed from behind a window looking down on the chessboard. It is the interior of MADGE’S office and MADGE is looking down, studying the board. PLUTO is standing next to her. MADGE has a telephone in her hand. She has a public address mike in her other hand. She speaks into the mike and the telephone.

  MADGE

  Bishop . . .

  213. Shot of girl’s face on the board. MADGE’S voice is very boomy.

  MADGE

  . . . takes pawn.

  214. Shot of MADGE’S face through the window from the chessboard side of the window. A zoom in to her face. She is smiling sardonically.

  215. Shot of the board POV MADGE. We see the BLACK BISHOP advancing on a WHITE PAWN.

  216. Shot of the WHITE PAWN POV BLACK BISHOP.

  217. Shot of the WHITE PAWN cowering on her square. Look of terror on her face. She is shaking her head and silently mouthing the words “no, no, no . . .” Then—

  WHITE PAWN

  No, no, please, not me . . .

  218. Short montage of the other pieces on the board. Facial close-ups. The black pieces are happy, the white pieces are sad. All are watching the WHITE PAWN.

  219. Wider shot of the BLACK BISHOP reaching the WHITE PAWN.

  220. Shot through the girls on the square and we see two guys with horns, tails, tridents, red body-stockings advancing also to the square. They lead the WHITE PAWN off. Dragging her and pulling her.

  221. Close on the face of the WHITE PAWN as she is led off.

  222. Overhead shot. Pullback to get MADGE and PLUTO in the frame.

  223. Wider two-shot of PLUTO and MADGE. We can no longer see the board but the positions of MADGE and PLUTO are unchanged. There is a long horrible scream ending in death. MADGE and PLUTO turn from the window. She’s got the phone in her hand and she looks sorry-about-that about the girl’s death.

  MADGE

  (To PLUTO.) So it goes. The breaks of the game. (Into phone.) I’ve got business, Gabriel. I’ll get back to you. (Hangs up phone.)

  224. Another two-shot. MADGE folds into the chaise and proceeds to light another cigarette.

  MADGE

  Quite a pair of lungs on that girl.

  PLUTO

  I noticed.

  MADGE

  (Puff, puff.) I mean the lungs she was screaming with. Well, all in a day’s work. The cabaret number fell flat, huh?

  PLUTO

  You might say that.

  225. PLUTO POV MADGE. He’s gotten up and is pacing again.

  PLUTO

  It was Rasputin all over again. She was into it a little more, but the outcome was no different. (Beat.) I’m almost afraid to tell you what she wants now.

  226. Close on MADGE.

  MADGE

  A Roman orgy.

  227. Two-shot.

  PLUTO

  How did you . . . ?

  MADGE

  Pluto, honey, when you’ve been in this business . . .

  228. Close on MADGE.

  MADGE

  . . . as long as I have, you’ll learn to recognize a pattern. They always want a Roman orgy sooner or later. They start drooling at the mention of grapes. For a while we could at least talk the liberals out of it, but ever since they settled that strike in California . . .

  229. Reaction shot of PLUTO. He’s amazed.

  230. Wider shot of MADGE.

  MADGE

  . . . it’s business as usual. You can’t have an orgy without grapes, you know. You can have all the orgies in the world without iceberg lettuce.

  231. Two-shot.

  PLUTO

  I tried to talk her out of it. I really did.

  MADGE

  You know what it costs to put an orgy together. You got any idea of the red tape involved? You have to damned near choreograph the whole number.

  PLUTO

  Well, you know how much paperwork this means for me.

  MADGE

  Yeah.

  PLUTO

  She insists on it.

  MADGE

  Yeah.

  PLUTO

  Says she’s got three wishes and this is her last wish and she’s wishing for an orgy and if we don’t like it we can go fuck ourselves.

  MADGE

  Oh, yeah? Well, then that’s what she gets, bless her. Go do what you have to do, Pluto.

  PLUTO

  Yeah. (Snaps fingers, etc.)

  232. Exterior on Fifth Avenue and Fifty-seventh Street. PLUTO and SOPHIE are walking down the street. There is music in the background which is similar to the opening music.

  PLUTO

  So an orgy it is. Things are almost all arranged.

  SOPHIE

  It’s the only answer. It’s got to be the only answer.

  PLUTO

  Well, I’ll say this, what you’re getting is unique.

  SOPHIE

  What!!!!!

  PLUTO

  UNIQUE. I said it will be unique.

  SOPHIE

  Oh, I thought you said I was getting a eunuch.

  233. Close on PLUTO as he hears this line. He winces from the pun.

  234. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE. They have come to the curb and are waiting for the light to change. The guy next to PLUTO is impatient. He keeps waiting for the light to change. He keeps tapping his foot.

  235. Close on PLUTO noticing the guy and then looking down to see the tapping foot.

  PLUTO

  You’ll make it this time, don’t worry.

  236. Close on tapping foot.

  237. Same as 226. PLUTO snaps his fingers.

  PLUTO

  You’ve got the whole firm behind you.

  238. Close on SOPHIE looking over at PLUTO.

  SOPHIE

  That’s a comforting thought.

  239. Close on tapping foot, only now it’s tapping in dogshit.

  240. Close on guy’s face as he looks disgustedly down at his foot.

  241. Shot of the man doing the New York Stomp—i.e., scraping the shit off his foot, from behind and between SOPHIE and PLUTO.

  SOPHIE

  You devil, you.

  242. Close-up PLUTO, proud.

  PLUTO

  One likes to keep in practice.

  243. Long shot from across the street to show PLUTO and SOPHIE stepping off the curb and walking toward the camera. He has taken SOPHIE’S hand and they are talking as they walk. We do not hear them because the traffic sounds and voice fade as we bring up the music.

  244. We begin a short montage sequence as, at this point, the music comes on full. We follow with exteriors of PLUTO and SOPHIE walking back to the apartment building where SOPHIE lives.

  245. Long shot down the hall of the apartment building. An up shot. PLUTO and SOPHIE are walking away from the camera toward her apartment door at the end of the hall. As SOPHIE passes by IRVING’S door, (PLUTO has already passed) we zoom in to get tight on IRVING’S arm coming out of his doorway and grabbing SOPHIE’S arm.

  246. Two-shot as IRVING becomes visible.

  SOPHIE

  What the . . . Oh my God, Irving, don’t you get tired of watching through your keyhole?

  IRVING

  (He has a handful of money.) Look, Sophie, look what I have for you. You and me and my French post cards. All with English subtitles . . . (Sees PLUTO.) Sophie, who’s that? There’s not someone else, is there?

  SOPHIE

  (Pushing him back in his apartment.) No, no, Irving . . .

  247. IRVING POV SOPHIE.

  SOPHIE

  (OC) . . . he’s just to warm me up for you. But, now I . . .

  IRVING

  (The door is closing.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, and after that just you and me.

  SOPHIE

  . . . on your davenport, Irving . . .

  248. Close on SOPHIE.

  SOPHIE

  . . . going all the way. DISSOLVE:

  249. Interior of SOPHIE’S apartment. She and PLUTO
are sitting on the couch. PLUTO has his bowl of ice cream and SOPHIE has a drink. As the scene opens, PLUTO gets up and, with his ice cream, walks from the couch to the shelves of erotica on the other side of the apartment

  PLUTO

  You know, Sophie, I’ve been thinking . . .

  SOPHIE

  That’s a novelty.

  PLUTO

  Your fantasy life . . .

  SOPHIE

  What about it?

  PLUTO

  Too much of it.

  SOPHIE

  Oh, come on.

  PLUTO

  (Gestures.) All these books . . .

  250. PLUTO in medium shot POV SOPHIE.

  PLUTO

  All these paintings, these statuettes.

  251. Series of jump cuts of PLUTO in various erotic and ridiculous poses.

  252. Same as 250.

  PLUTO

  You know, real sex could never match what’s in your head.

  253. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE.

  SOPHIE

  Look, Pluto, I know you’re thinking of me, but this one will do it. I just know it. Really.

  PLUTO

  I hope so.

  254. The Roman Orgy. We open with MADGE at a table in a room other than the one used for the orgy scene itself. There is an enormous bowl of grapes in front of her and she’s glowering at it. A slave in a toga comes and takes the bowl away, and she glowers at where it was, then turns to look at the rest of the table. The camera shows us that it is the world’s longest table, filled with bowls of grapes. More slaves appear and take bowl after bowl away. MADGE continues to look singularly unhappy.

  255. The orgy room itself. Close on SOPHIE’S face as someone feeds her a grape. Then the camera moves back to show her reclining on a chaise lounge with a nude slave girl kneeling beside her, feeding her more grapes, while a huge slave fans her. PLUTO is standing beside the couch wearing his usual straight clothes.

  256. A montage of shots, close-ups of everyone in the world eating grapes. There will, throughout the orgy sequence, be an absolute minimum of wide or establishing shots to prevent the viewer from getting a good sense of geographic orientation. By staying in close on the various bits and pieces we create the illusion that this is being filmed in something the size of the coliseum. It is best if the viewer not tip to the fact that it is actually being filmed in something the size of a telephone booth. After the grape sequence, we begin to pick up shots of sexual activity. This sexual element develops gradually to convey the sense of an orgiastic atmosphere building spontaneously. The sex will be incredibly perverse, a Cook’s Tour of Krafft-Ebing. Everything will be intercut with everything else, along with plenty of reaction shots from SOPHIE as she walks around and almost but not quite joins in on the fun and games. In a sense, the scene is not specifically a turn-on. We will by now have reached the point in the film where the viewer is no longer receptive to erotic stimulation, so that it is more important for the sex scenes to be visually interesting than erotic per se. At the same time, this is the scene that will generate tremendous word-of-mouth publicity. “There’s this incredible orgy scene and you wouldn’t believe what they show, a girl nailed to a cross, a guy lying in a bathtub while girls piss on him, a girl being eaten out by an Old English sheepdog, a couple screwing and a guy standing next to them and masturbating on them, etc.” This will be the scene that pulls them into the theatres, but it will be anti-erotic in that it’s turning SOPHIE off and we communicate as much to the viewer. Thus, it’s erotic more in anticipation and in retrospect than in actuality. SOPHIE’S attitude as it evolves is not that this is a lousy orgy, but that’s everything she ever hoped for and fantasized about, and that it still doesn’t do anything for her. She’s not even moved to participate.