‘That’s not it,’ Noah said, at a loss for how to explain it. ‘I tried staying away from you, but every time I saw you it seemed more impossible. I tried keeping my distance anyway, tried keeping it just physical. But the moment we kissed...there was more of me in that kiss than in the last ten movies I made.’
‘I felt it,’ Eloise murmured. ‘So why not finish what you started? Look deeper. Feel more. Be the guy you need to be to get that part. I’ll listen.’
‘I showed you mine; you show me yours?’
‘Basically. Isn’t that part of what looking deeper means? Dealing with your past? You’ve heard all my childhood traumas. What are yours? It has to be more than disapproving parents, right?’
Noah’s jaw tightened as the memories flooded over him, so intense even after all these years that he worried he might be swept away by them. It felt wrong even thinking about Sally now, here, in bed with Eloise. But he had to admit she was the first woman he’d slept with that he’d ever considered talking to about what had happened.
Could he do it? Should he?
He’d be leaving in a few days. Whatever this connection was between him and Eloise, it would be over the moment he left Morwen Hall. He didn’t worry about Eloise spilling all to the Internet, or trying to make money by selling her story. He might have only known her a couple of days but he knew she wasn’t that person. Especially now she’d told him about her mother.
Eloise was safe. And if he wanted the part, maybe this was what it would take.
‘There was a woman,’ he started, then stalled.
‘Isn’t there always?’ Eloise asked sadly. She moved out of his arms and, for a moment, he thought she was going to get out of the cosy, safe cocoon they’d made in her bed. Then she settled against the headboard, still naked, and tugged his arm until he curled up against her side. She settled her arms around him and waited for him to continue.
Noah kissed the top of her breast and rested his head on her shoulder. When was the last time he’d been so close to a person, when they weren’t actively having sex? Had he ever been? If he had, he couldn’t remember it. Not even with Sally...
He was supposed to be telling Eloise all about Sally.
‘She was my best friend,’ he said eventually.
‘The one you moved to LA with?’
‘Yes. She was...she was my family, more than my real family ever were. They didn’t understand me or the life I wanted to lead. Sally did.’
‘She sounds great.’ Noah listened for any hint of jealousy or envy in Eloise’s voice, but it wasn’t there.
‘She was. We got a flat together to start with, but then she met this guy. She’d won a part on a TV show, and he was one of the other actors. She was crazy about him. But he wasn’t a good guy. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was about him, but I knew he was wrong for Sally.’
‘What happened?’ Eloise asked. ‘And when did you realise you were in love with her?’
Noah sighed. It said something about his levels of emotional understanding that, even seven years later, Eloise knew after five minutes what it had taken Noah years of friendship to realise.
‘I think I was always in love with her. Right from the day we met, back at grade school.’ She’d walked straight up to him, stuck out her hand and said, ‘I’m Sally. You’re my new best friend.’ And that was all it took. ‘But I guess when we hit high school, I realised it for real.’
‘And you didn’t do anything about it?’ Eloise asked, surprise clear in her voice.
‘I wasn’t Noah Cross, Film Star then, remember. I was nothing. And Sally...she was all I had. The only person in town who understood me—who I was, what I wanted, what mattered to me. I couldn’t risk losing that.’ The idea of her walking away because she didn’t feel the same way had been far too terrifying for him to take the chance.
‘So what changed? I mean, I assume something did.’
‘Yeah. She moved out of our flat and into his house, and I realised I’d missed my chance.’ He’d waited too long and he’d lost her. It had felt like the end of the world—until he’d learned what real loss meant. ‘But I figured she was happy, so I should be happy for her. But then she showed up one day with a black eye and I knew I had to get her out of there.’
Eloise stayed silent but her arms tightened ever so slightly around him. He put his hand over hers and squeezed. Even after all this time, the horror he’d felt as he’d seen the bruises marring Sally’s perfect skin could still make him feel sick to his stomach.
‘I took her home and we talked. She told me it had been going on for months. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed. I still can’t.’ He dipped his head, hiding his eyes from hers. She didn’t need to see the shame in them. The guilt. He’d been so busy thinking about himself—about how he felt, what he’d lost, his own emotional turmoil—that he’d missed what was right in front of him and let the woman he loved get hurt. ‘She agreed to leave him. And then...’
‘You told her how you felt,’ Eloise guessed when he didn’t continue.
‘Yeah.’ The feelings were all coming back now, whether he wanted them or not. Those deep, hidden feelings that he’d locked up for so long, because he knew what came next. Knew he couldn’t have all that hope and that happiness without the pain that followed. ‘Sally...she told me she thought she might feel the same, or that she could one day. We kissed and, just for that brief moment, everything was perfect.’ He stopped, just wanting one more moment of that peace, without the fear that snapped at its heels. They lay together in the quiet of the room, listening to the sounds of the hen and stag parties still going on downstairs, and for a moment Noah believed that could be the end of the story.
But then Eloise broke the silence. ‘I almost don’t want to ask what happened next. But I think I have to.’
With a sigh, Noah pulled away, out of her embrace. Sitting up on the edge of the bed, he stayed facing away from her as he spoke, every word cutting through him as it formed on his lips. ‘We agreed to take it slow. We’d already waited so long, and we had our whole future together to figure it all out. The next day, she went back to his house to pack up her stuff while I was out at a call-back audition. I asked her to wait until I could go too, but she wanted to get it done. He was supposed to be at work but...
‘I got the part—my first big movie role. I raced home to tell Sally, but when I got there the flat was empty. And then the police called.’
There was a rustle of sheets and then Eloise’s body was pressed up against his from behind, her warmth flooding through him as she pressed kisses against his shoulders. But those kisses couldn’t erase the guilt he carried every day. He should have been there—not just that day, but every day before that. He should have been looking outwards, not inwards. He should have been there for her.
But he wasn’t.
‘He’d beaten her. So hard she’d blacked out, they think. And when she fell...her head cracked open on the corner of the table. She died in moments.’
‘Oh, Noah, I’m so sorry.’ Eloise spoke against his skin, holding him tight to her. ‘So, so sorry.’
They were just words, Noah knew. They couldn’t fix anything. Couldn’t heal the searing pain that had cut through him that day and never fully gone away. His scar tissue might not show on the outside, but it was still there and he felt it pull most days.
But the thing about scar tissue was that it healed thick and hard, and painless. He might feel the tug around it, like healthy skin, but the dead area—his ability to love, to feel those deeper emotions—they didn’t hurt at all.
They couldn’t.
So he didn’t look inwards, not any more. He looked outwards—to easy, casual relationships, to films that focused more on explosions than feelings. And he pushed the guilt and the sorrow down beneath that scar tissue and pretended they weren’t ther
e.
Until he’d met Eloise, and read a script that could change his career. And now all those emotions he’d sworn not to feel again were bubbling up, filling him, and he knew he had to beat them back down before they destroyed him.
He couldn’t waste emotion on himself. If he had to feel, it would be as a character—safe in another person’s fictional life, where the emotions couldn’t hurt him. If he felt that pain at all, let it be for the part, for his career. Because Noah Cross didn’t deserve to feel any of those things—love, loss, hope—ever again.
‘I know I can’t say anything,’ Eloise whispered, close to his ear. ‘I know I can’t fix it. But I’m sorry. And whatever you need right now—distance, alcohol, whatever. Just say. I can give it.’
There was only one way to forget, Noah had found, and that was to drown out the memories. Alcohol helped, so did work. But the best thing was sitting naked in bed beside him.
He turned, sweeping her into his arms in one fast movement. ‘You,’ he murmured against the skin of her neck. ‘Let me have you again. Let me forget.’
Eloise nodded, and he bore her down to the bed again, determined to block out the emotions once more.
He’d use them, if he had to. But not as himself. He’d save it all for the part.
He could give Eloise his body, even his memories, but that was all.
Everything else, he’d already given up.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ELOISE WOKE EARLY, after nowhere near enough sleep to deal with the day ahead. Beside her, Noah slumbered on, one arm wrapped loosely around her waist. She twisted onto her side to look at him, his face peaceful in repose.
In the early morning light, still grey and cold as the sun just started to peep over the horizon, it was hard to imagine all the secrets and wounds they’d shared the night before. After his confession, Noah had made love to her like a man possessed. A man driving out his demons, she supposed.
Did he blame himself for Sally’s death? She suspected so, even if he knew intellectually it wasn’t his fault. Guilt and grief had a funny way of twisting things in a person’s mind.
She felt a tug, somewhere in her middle. A compulsion to try and fix him, to help him feel again. Not just to get some movie role, but because he needed it. She’d thought Noah was just another self-centred, narcissistic actor—like her mother. But that wasn’t it. He honestly didn’t believe that letting people in and feeling something for them could end well. Which, given his experiences, she could sort of understand. She even agreed with him a lot of the time.
But to always feel that way... That was a very lonely way to live. Far lonelier even than hers.
She shook her head and prepared to inch out of his arms without waking him.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked, tightening his hold on her without opening his eyes.
‘I thought you were asleep.’
‘I was acting.’ His eyes opened and he blinked lazily. ‘You okay?’
‘Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘Last night was...intense.’
That was one word for it. Eloise had never experienced anything like it—not the exchange of confidences, or the sex. Everything seemed to be on a higher level with Noah, seemed to strip another layer of her defences away.
‘It was,’ she admitted. ‘I feel...naked, I guess.’
Noah smirked. ‘You kind of are.’ Hauling her closer, he angled himself above her again, but there was something different in his passion in the morning light. A desperation she hadn’t seen in his eyes before.
‘I’m not going to tell anyone, you know,’ she said before he could kiss her.
‘I know.’ His mouth tightened a little and she stretched up to kiss it lightly.
‘I want to keep this a secret too, remember.’ The last thing she needed was Melissa finding out her latest scandalous story.
Noah frowned. ‘Why is that again? Usually I have to stop women shouting from the rooftops after they’ve slept with me.’
‘Really?’ Eloise raised her eyebrows and he smiled, the emotions of the night before clearly fading again as he returned to his usual laughing self.
‘Well, stop them going to the papers and telling all, anyway. So, why don’t you want anyone to know? Is it Melissa?’
‘Partly,’ Eloise said. How could she put it in a way that wouldn’t offend him? ‘But it’s more than that. I don’t want to be another one of your women, with everyone talking about me—and pitying me once you walk away. We both know you’re leaving at the end of the week. We have a built-in time limit.’
‘I suppose,’ Noah said slowly. ‘I’m not sure I like being your dirty little secret, though.’
She laughed. ‘Who said anything about dirty?’
‘I was here last night, remember?’ He waggled his eyebrows at her.
‘Besides, you’re the one who said you wanted a private fling,’ Eloise reminded him. ‘No strings, no catches—and no gossip.’
‘So I’m getting exactly what I want from the situation,’ Noah said. ‘But what about you?’
‘I’m doing okay,’ she said, but it was already too late. Noah slid down her body, covering her with kisses and, just for a moment, Eloise let herself imagine having this, having him for longer than a week.
But that way madness lay.
‘So, other than magnificent sex,’ Noah said between kisses, ‘what’s in it for you?’
Eloise considered, but it was hard to think with his mouth against her skin. ‘I like how I feel when I’m with you. Who I am when I’m with you.’
‘Yeah?’ Noah stilled, resting his head against her hip.
‘Yeah.’ How could she explain it without adding to his ego? ‘I couldn’t have done anything like performing on the stage at the Frost Fair without you there, telling me it would be fun. Maybe a few more days with you will give me the confidence I need to move on in my life. Get out of my rut.’ Maybe chase the dreams she’d long given up on—her own business, getting away from this place, finding her own success. Maybe even finding a man she could love, who would stay, and want her for who she was. She didn’t mention that part, though. Not as Noah began kissing her stomach again.
She wasn’t thinking about any man but him for the time being.
* * *
By the time Eloise emerged from the pleasurable haze Noah had put her in, the sun was fully up and she was in danger of running late.
‘Maybe tonight we can do this in my room,’ Noah said as he kissed her goodbye at the door. ‘Try out the four-poster.’
Eloise grinned. ‘Maybe. Now go! We need to be downstairs for the wedding party photo shoot and interviews in half an hour.’ She pushed him out of the door and he headed off down the corridor, whistling. ‘And remember...’
‘Nobody knows,’ he said, turning and walking backwards. Then he blew her a kiss and she shook her head.
Maybe trusting Noah with a secret relationship was expecting too much from him. As much as he said he wanted it kept between them too, to help convince that director, she wasn’t sure he was actually capable of being discreet. But the thought of being in his bed tonight...that was too good to give up. She’d just have to hope he could act discreet, just for a few days.
Then he’d be gone. But Eloise wasn’t thinking about that.
Instead, as she headed towards her bathroom, she thought that if only she’d known this was going to happen from the start, the bedroom crisis she’d faced on arrival day could have been solved an awful lot more easily.
Thirty minutes later, Eloise hurried from the lift into the lobby. Most of the wedding guests were already milling around, ready to go out on the local tours Laurel had arranged for them while the wedding party were busy with the photographer and the journalist from the celebrity magazine covering the wedding.
<
br /> ‘You look nice,’ Laurel said as she approached, clipboard in hand, from the reception desk. ‘Kind of...glowy.’
‘Thanks.’ Eloise tried not to blush.
She might have spent just a little more time than normal on her hair and make-up that morning, and put a bit more effort into her choice of suit—a deep charcoal skirt and jacket with a silky cream blouse and high heels. Even though the magazine people would be providing outfits for the photo shoot, and doing her hair and make-up, Eloise had felt like making the effort.
After all, trying to match up to the kind of good looks parading around Morwen Hall at the moment was a full-time job. Nothing to do with the gorgeous guy who’d just spent the night in her bed. Probably.
Oh, who was she trying to kid? She wanted to look nice for her boyfriend. That was what Melissa and the other girls would have chanted, back when they were pre-teens at school. But Noah wasn’t her boyfriend. And he wasn’t sticking around. Two more days and it would all be over, so there was to be absolutely no falling for the guy.
He’d just stay her own delicious little secret.
Well, not so little, actually.
‘Are you okay?’ Laurel asked, her eyebrows drawn together in concern. ‘You’re turning red.’
‘Fine. Just fine.’ Eloise willed her skin colour to return to normal.
‘Well, good. Because Dan and I are off to supervise the coach tours, so you’re on your own with Bridezilla today.’ Across the lobby, Eloise saw Dan watching, waiting for Laurel, as if he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Obviously a man besotted. Good. Whatever concerns she’d had when she’d first seen them together must just have been nerves—coming out as a couple could do that, she supposed.
Something else she and Noah wouldn’t have to worry about. Nobody would ever know about them.
‘You’re not staying for the photo shoot?’ Eloise asked.
Laurel shook her head. ‘One of the advantages of not actually being part of the wedding party. We are surplus to requirements this morning. Plus we’ll probably have a lot more fun on the tours.’
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