“Tell you what?” she murmured, her eyes avoiding mine.
“Whatever it is that has been on your mind. Especially today, you’ve been…preoccupied and distant.”
“Ryan Matthews. You didn’t think I was distant when we made love in the shower not two hours ago,” she said, trying to tease me but I was getting worried that something major was wrong.
She was trying to distract me, and I knew it. As wonderful as that had been, I knew her well enough to know when she was hedging. This was serious. I reached for her hand again.
“Julia, please. I’m starting to worry, so will you please just tell me what the fuck is going on? Have you…met someone else?”
Her mouth dropped open and she stared at me, stunned as she yanked her hand away from mine angrily. “Hmmph!” Her breath rushed out in a huff. “Do you think I could make love with you like I have, if there was anybody else, Ryan? Where the hell did that come from?” Her face flushed and her expression was angry.
“Sex has always been amazing between us…but it’s been so desperate this weekend.” My eyes bore into hers and she looked away, unable to meet the intensity of my gaze. My heart lurched. “Every touch feels like you’re telling me goodbye.”
“But…I’ve told you a hundred times in the last three days that I love you. Weren’t you listening?”
“Sometimes love doesn’t stop bad shit from happening. We’ve had so much distance between us that something could have…”
“No! Not in this lifetime, Ryan!” Her eyes were wide and wild as she spoke in angry tones. “You have to stop this. You’ve dealt with the same distance, so should I assume you’ve fucked around? I mean…If you think I could have, then…”
Heat infused the skin of my face and neck, my lungs tightened.
“No! But, think about it from where I’m sitting!” I leaned back in my chair and ran my hand, still stinging from the sudden absence of her touch, through my hair. “Here is the woman I love beyond reason, my best friend in the world, who tells me Goddamn everything…who I haven’t seen in almost two fucking months and she’s not talking to me! You’re withdrawn and completely closed off…except in bed! Tell me what in the hell I’m supposed to think? I mean, we only have four months until I’m done with school and I want to start figuring out the logistics of being together, but it feels like you are pulling away. And it will just…” I softened my voice because my throat got tight and closed off. “Well, it will kill me if that’s what’s happening after all this time apart. I mean…what the fuck?”
The pain in my voice was obvious. Her eyes filled with tears as she leaned forward and reached for my hand again, finally meeting my eyes. Her grasp was hard and her voice a broken whisper.
“Listen to me! There is and never has been anyone else, damn you. No one else exists for me, and you know it!” she said urgently. Her chest was heaving and she looked like she was going to lose it, her free hand frantically brushed a tear off of her cheek. “I can’t even believe you said that to me. I can’t do this here, Ryan, okay?”
This was bad and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. My eyes burned, stinging like they were on fire, my breathing was labored, coming in short bursts. I pulled out my wallet and threw a hundred and a twenty on the table and stood up, holding my hand out to my Julia.
My Julia. Why was I still afraid that might change? Why did I feel like I was drowning?
I put my arm around her as we walked to the car and I could hear her softly crying. After I opened the door, I caught her arm before she got in, turning her to face me.
“Just tell me you’re not leaving me. I have to hear it, now,” I begged.
Julia was hurting, too. It was evident when she closed her eyes, tears squeezed from under her lids to run down her cheeks. Her arms slid around my waist, burying her face into the front of my suit jacket and sobbed. I pulled her tightly against my chest and pressed my face into her hair, the confusion was eating me alive.
“I’ll never leave you, Ryan. I told you the first time you made love to me that I’d be with you as long as you wanted me. So, stop with this shit, please. This isn’t good, but it’s not about us breaking up…unless that’s what you want it to be,” she cried brokenly.
I sighed in relief as the tightness in my chest lessened slightly. “That will never happen; but, it hurts that you’re hiding something from me.”
“Let’s just go back to the apartment. I’d have told you sooner, but I wanted this weekend to be perfect.”
The ride back was edged with tension and filled with silence. My knuckles whitened as I gripped the steering wheel and Julia huddled in her seat, staring out the window.
She rushed in ahead of me and I followed, aching, behind her.
I shrugged out of my jacket and pulled my tie loose, throwing both over the couch as Julia dropped her coat by the door. I unbuttoned my cuffs and started rolling the sleeves up my forearms, all the while watching her.
Waiting.
Only a few seconds passed but it felt like forever. I walked to her and took her hand gently in mine, staring into her deep green eyes. Eyes full of love and fear. My thumb brushed the top of her hand over and over as I pulled Julia with me to the end of the hall to her bedroom and closed the door behind us. I’d be glad to get her out of this apartment in a few months and hopefully move in with her, my ring firmly on her finger and wedding plans in the works. Finally. At least…I’d thought so three hours ago.
I sat on the bed and pulled her to stand in front of me, my hands on her hips and I lowered my head so that the top of it rested on her stomach. I made little circles on her hipbones and sighed when I felt her glorious hands thread through my hair. I could always feel the incredible love in her touch. It flowed between us like a circuit and it gave me a semblance of comfort in this shit storm.
Julia.
“Please just tell me what it is,” I said in defeat, and took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. I thought my rigid lungs would split under the effort.
“I’ve been…given a promotion.”
My heart leapt as I looked up quickly to her face. She didn’t look happy. She was shaking, her voice full of grief. My brow fell as I frowned up at her.
“I don’t understand why that makes you unhappy.” I pulled her down on my lap and her forehead fell onto my shoulder. One arm cradled her back and the other came up to brush her cheek lightly. She pressed her face into my hand.
“They…they’re sending me to Paris, Ryan. For at least six months,” her voice cracked, “maybe a year.”
The air rushed from my lungs as those words dropped like nuclear bombs around me.
“What do you mean they’re sending you? You don’t have to take it.” I said harshly, fear gripping my chest like a vice.
“They want me to head up a team to work on the European issue of Vogue. It will give me experience with the workings of Paris Fashion Week and get me familiar with some of the major designers. If I ever want to be Style Editor or Creative Director here, I have to have connections over there. They think this is the best way for me to get them,” she said softly.
“No,” I said sternly as I tightened my arms around her in protest. “No, Julia. I’m almost done with med school! It’s time to start our life together! We’ve waited and struggled for too damn long to screw it up now!”
Julia suddenly pushed off of my lap and walked to the window. She put one hand on her hip and brought the other up to her mouth, standing there with her back to me in silence. Finally, she shook her head and her voice trembled when she spoke.
“No? You’re telling me no after I moved to New York all by myself to be near you, Ryan?” Her tone was quiet.
“Yeah! Fucking no!” I stood up and yelled the words, startling her. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. “I can’t believe you’re even considering this!”
“This isn’t just a job anymore! For God’s sake! I could be at the top of a major pub in a year or less. I might even get Vanity
Fair if I play my cards right. Their style editor is set to retire soon.”
I knew I had to calm down if I wanted her to listen, but I was so upset my hands were shaking. I moved up behind her raising my hands to rest them on her shoulders. “Julia…” I began but she flinched away from me, whirling around to face me.
“No! You don’t get to make this decision, Ryan! Not like this.” She shook her head in frustration. “This is why I was scared to tell you! I knew you’d be upset, but I never in my wildest dreams expected you to dictate to me what my decision was going to be without even so much as a conversation. I mean, where in the hell do you get off!?” Her voice had elevated and her eyes wild. She was furious, but so was I.
How is this happening?
“I’m not trying to dictate to you, Julia! But it is un-fucking-believable that you would even consider leaving me now! What am I supposed to do? Wasn’t I moving to New York for my residency? Wasn’t I?!” She flinched as I ranted at her and threw my arms in the air. “So, now what? If I start it in Boston, I will finish it there. That is another four years minimum. I’m not doing this long distance shit for four more years, Julia. I’m not!!” Suddenly, the room felt like a shoebox as I paced back and forth. “I thought you loved me.” It was a cheap shot, but damn it, I was feeling desperate.
She bit her lip to stop it from quivering as her emotions shook her. “That’s not fair and you know it!” she spat miserably.
She covered her face in her hands and sobbed. I wanted to hold her, but my heart was breaking and I was angrier than I’d ever been. I was coming apart as I stood shaking in front of her. My whole world was on its way to fucking France.
“I don’t know what to do, Ryan. I know that I love you, but I need to do this. For me. This time, it’s about me.” She drew in a long shaky breath.
“So, no discussion? Just done?” I asked flatly and raked both hands through my hair, turning away from her.
“Hmmph. What discussion? You already told me what you expect. It’s just that this time, I can’t do as you ask. I’ve been agonizing over this ever since Wednesday. Remember I wanted a coffee date? You were the first thought I had.” She paused as I soaked in the meaning of her words. “I hoped you’d be happy for me. Maybe even be proud. There are 40 other people across the company who wanted this opportunity and they asked me to do it. I didn’t even go after it, Ryan. Meredith came to me. That being true, how can I say no?”
I sighed. “You open your mouth and say the fucking word, Julia. That’s how.”
“Ryan…I never asked you to give up Harvard and stay with me. This is no different, except its only 6 months to a year. Not four.”
Hell. She was right, but it didn’t change how my heart was being ripped out of my body at the implications of what this meant…and half a world between us.
“Don’t ask me to be happy about something that is going to ruin my whole Goddamn life, Julia.” I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “When?” I asked wearily. My heart didn’t want to hear the answer, but my head needed to know.
“Uhhhhhh,” she tried to clear the tears from her voice. “Four or five weeks, maybe? There are a few things to do first,” she said so softly I wasn’t even sure if she even said the words.
“Ahhhhh! I’m so pissed, Julia. It isn’t fucking fair! It ruins everything!”
Anger? Sorrow? Unfairness or irony? Whatever it was, it was ripping me to shreds. I felt like I’d just been gutted.
Could anything be worse?
I raised my head and looked at her. She was broken too, shaking with tears running down her cheeks. In my anger and frustration, I’d failed to see that this would mean the same thing to her as it would to me…Misery at being apart.
“Julia. I’m sorry,” I breathed softly. “I just…I don’t want to lose you. You know that.”
The sobs broke free again. “I-I-I know, R-Ryan. God, I don’t want to lose you either. P-please don’t l-let that h-happen because of this,” she begged as she leaned up against a wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. She drew her knees up and buried her face in the arms she wrapped around them.
Instantly, I was beside her pulling her up and enfolding her in my arms. She wound hers around my shoulders. “I love you so m-much,” she cried into my neck, her hot tears and breath raining down on me. My own eyes were stinging and my throat closing up in pain.
“I know, honey. I love you, too. If I didn’t, this wouldn’t even matter…but I don’t want to be without you. With residency hours and shit, Julia, I won’t be able to get away to Paris to see you. I can’t go a year without seeing you more than a couple of times. I won’t survive,” I said softly as I nuzzled into the hair at her ear. It was damp from her tears and the skin underneath was hot. I kissed the side of her face and brushed her tears away with the pads of both thumbs. Her eyes were closed, her brow knitted, the rest of her face crumpled as she cried.
I lay down on the bed and then gathered her to me. She nestled easily into the nook of my shoulder as she had a thousand times before. I sighed deeply and rubbed her back, trying to calm my emotions and longing to take away her pain.
“I’m sorry I got so mad, baby.” I placed a soft kiss on her open mouth as she sniffed back the tears. “I’m not happy about this, Julia, so I can’t promise I won’t piss and moan at the unfairness of it.”
I felt her nod against me. It was a few minutes before she was calm enough to speak, though her voice still shook and I felt her hot tears continue to seep through my shirt and soak my skin.
“I don’t want to be away from you either, Ryan. It’s killing me, but I have to do this. I told them that I’d only do it if they flew me back to the States for a week every two or three months. I know it isn’t much, but at least we’ll see each other some. And, I made Meredith promise to let me come back for your graduation. I promise not to miss it.”
My arms tightened around her and I closed my eyes. She was always thinking of me, even when I was being a selfish prick. I loved this woman so much, my heart swelled at the same time it was breaking. I sucked in a deep breath and pressed my lips to her forehead again. “I’ll try to get over there too, if there is any way at all, Julia.”
She moved so she could look into my eyes. “Ryan…would you still consider doing your residency in New York? You can have my apartment. I know I’m asking a lot because you’d be alone here for several months, but would you? When I come back to the States we can be together right away. Please?” she begged softly, her hand moving up to brush against my jaw. “Please?”
I nodded. It was the only choice. The quickest way we’d be together. “Of course, baby. I can’t bear any more time apart than is absolutely necessary. Here we go again.”
The ring in my pocket was burning a hole through the fabric of my pants and into my skin like acid. Eating away at me like the agony was eating away at my insides.
Tonight should have turned out differently. So differently, but it wasn’t going to end without that ring on her finger where it belonged.
I rolled to my side and Julia moved with me, facing me, we stared into each other’s eyes and I brushed her hair back off of her face. Tearstained and all, she was still the most stunning thing I’d ever seen. I was captivated…overwhelmed at how beautiful she was inside and out.
This had been killing her. The desperation I’d felt all weekend was the result of her pain at the prospect of leaving me for months. I sighed as realization washed over me; this was even more painful for her because she knew how much this would hurt me.
“Okay. I’ll let you go to Paris,” I tried to tease, despite the tremendous aching in every fiber of my being. She raised her eyebrow at me as I tried to smile. Her chin began to tremble, still so fragile. I dug in the pocket of my dress pants for the ring and pulled it out, trying to distract her from what I was doing by kissing her.
“Shh…don’t cry my love.” My lips gently pulled on hers and I flicked her top one with the tip of my tongu
e. She moaned and lifted her mouth, silently asking for more. My mouth hovered above hers, dying in the choice of whether to kiss her until we were both gasping or to put the ring on her finger.
The two carat oval solitaire was set in a delicate prong-set band, holding twenty more perfectly matched stones. The metal setting wasn’t even visible with the way the stones were set. I’d spent the last four years saving up the money to pay for it. I wanted the ring to be a reflection of the woman wearing it; flawless, perfect, brilliantly beautiful and completely unique.
I whispered against her mouth, “This isn’t how I wanted to do this, Julia…but yes, I’ll let you go to Paris, but only with this on your finger.” I held up the ring and her tear-filled eyes widened and she gasped. Her arms tightened around me as she cried even harder.
“Julia, will you marry me?” The metal and diamonds burned through my palm as I brushed the knuckles of my closed hand across her cheek. “I love you; I only want you…forever. Will you marry me, sweet?”
Julia pulled back to look into my face, her beautiful eyes liquid and she laughed through her tears. “Yes. Of course, yes, Ryan! Oh my God, yes!”
I slipped it on her hand and then kissed her mouth gently. Desperation, overwhelming love and sadness…all of it flooded around us as we clung to each other, ripping at each other’s clothing in our frantic attempts to get closer together.
I understood her demeanor over the past few days, but I didn’t want tonight to feel rushed or desperate. I wanted to show her with my mouth, hands and body, that I was still hers and we’d be okay. No matter what, we’d be together. I pulled my mouth from hers, needing to ease the ache in her heart and reached for her hand and pulled it to my mouth. I brushed my mouth back and forth across her knuckles slowly.
“Julia,” I breathed, “I want to make love slowly tonight, baby. I love you and nothing will change that. Not even Paris. You could be going to the moon and I’d still love you. I want to remember every moment of tonight; to savor every touch.”
The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) Page 28