“Are you alright?” Oliver asks me.
“Fine,” I say quietly. “Tired.”
“I’ll get her settled in the guest room,” Robin says. “You two better get in there. Now.” Alejandro shuts off his television and rises. Oliver glances from Robin to me to Alejandro then back to Robin. “You know better than to make her wait, gorgeous. Your girl here’s in good hands. I promise.”
“Go. It’s okay,” I say.
Oliver walks over and squeezes my shoulder. “I will be back,” he whispers.
I nod, and Robin starts us moving again. Our destination is a large bedroom with the same color scheme and level of luxury as the rest of the apartment. There’s even a TV screen in place of a window showing a starry night and full moon behind the gauzy curtains. Oliver’s bedroom in Kansas has the same display. Robin has performed her hostess duties to perfection. Lying on the bed are a thick robe, a coral maxi dress and white pashmina along with a UCLA t-shirt and gray sweat pants I think will fit.
“I guessed you were a ten by twelve. They should fit even if I was wrong. I’ll be in the guest living room if you need anything else. There’s a fully stocked kitchen too. I’m a health nut but make a list and I’ll go shopping tomorrow. The shower’s through that door,” she says as she nods to the bathroom door. “The toiletries are already in there.”
“Thank you.”
“You’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay, hon,” Robin says, rubbing my arm. “We’ll keep you safe.”
“Thank you.”
“You get some rest.” Robin smiles again before departing. Finally.
The last hour’s been one long déjà vu trip. I’ve replaced one vampire lair, one minion watching over me for another. At least Connor let me leave. He no doubt had people following me, but I could leave his apartment. Antonia won’t be that loose. Ugh, I can’t think about that. Not right now. I don’t even have the strength to take a shower or change into the pajamas Robin gave me. I just shove all the crap on the bed onto the floor, kick off my shoes, climb under the covers in the fetal position, and let the floodgates of heck wash through me.
How did this happen? How did this happen? How have I screwed everything up so badly? Everything I do is wrong. I ruin everything I touch. I’m poison. A plague. I should be locked up forever. Quarantined. Everyone would be better off without me. Everyone. They’re already in misery, in pain, terrified because of me. I need to be eradicated before I spread my death to those I love. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I’m back in North Carolina as I stared at the fiancée I just murdered holding my best friend as he bled almost to death. My world has shattered again this time truly because of me, everyone around me is bleeding to death. It’s me. It’s all me. It’s always me. I’m the monster. The abomination. The villain. How did this happen? How did I allow this to happen? I suppose it doesn’t matter now. Because one thing hasn’t changed.
I know what should happen to villains.
Chapter Fourteen
Come What May
Even my own body believes I should be tortured for my crimes. I’m exhausted in body and soul, but every time I’m at the precipice of sleep, I either jerk awake or begin the adrenaline trembles. I give up after an hour and take yet another shower tonight just to stop the shakes. It does help my body so I only have mild Tourette’s symptoms now. I dress in the sweats and get back in bed with only two tries on putting on the pants. Yet sleep still won’t come. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. Let me sleep. I shut my eyes tight. Just let me sleep. Let it all go away. Why won’t it just go away? The tears begin spilling out of the corners of my eyes and suddenly I’m sobbing. I just want to go to sleep. I want—
There’s a tiny knock on the door I barely hear. A second later my door opens but I don’t have the strength to open my eyes or stop sobbing. “Trixie? Trixie…” Oliver says as he shuts the door. With only the fake nightscapes’ glow and my haze of tears I can barely make out his outline. I feel the King sized bed shifts as he climbs on beside me. “Darling? Darling…” he pulls me into his arms and for the millionth time in my life I literally cry on his shoulder. “It is alright. It will all be alright. I swear to you. I swear it will, my darling,” he whispers as he kisses my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I sob. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hush. Hush,” he whispers, kissing and petting my hair.
“Why does this keep happening? Why? Why? I’m so tired. I’m so tired of everything. I thought I was a good person. I always try to be a good person. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can’t anything ever be good? Why does everything I touch, everything I do, fracture and mold? Why can’t it stay good and easy? What have I done to deserve this? What?”
“Nothing. You have done nothing, my darling. Nothing,” he whispers.
I cling to him tighter. “It never gets better. Never. Why won’t it ever get better? I do everything, everything I can and it never gets better. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of messing everything up. I’m horrible. I am horrible. It’s me. It’s always me. I am an aberration. A blight. I never should have been born. I hate this. I hate it. I hate letting everyone down. I hate hurting everything and everyone. They’d be better off without me. They’d be better off,” I sob so the words are barely intelligible. They would. Him especially. I believe it with every fiber of my soul. I pull away from him and sit up, my water logged eyes bugging out of my head. “You need to go. You need to leave right now. Go. Go back to Kansas. You-you-you shouldn’t be here. You need to go. He-he won’t hurt you if you’re there. Go. Just go.”
“I am not going anywhere,” Oliver says calmly.
“No, you have to go. You have to. He’ll hurt you. He’ll kill you. You have to go. Go. Just go! Go!” Near hysterics now, I begin shoving him, but Oliver grabs my wrists and I begin flailing. “No, let me go! Let me go and go!” I yank my arms from his grip and stare straight into his eyes. “Go. Now. There is nothing for you here. There never was. I am not going to sleep with you. Never. Ever. You did this. You did. You ruined everything. It was all fine until you got here,” I hiss. “I don’t want you here. I was happy. I was happy with him. But you ruined it, just like you ruined it with Will. You made him hate me for months. You bit me. You scarred me. You attacked me just because I chose him over you. I would rather have him, have Connor, in my body than you. And you know why? You know why I will never, ever sleep with you? Because I see you for what you truly are. Vain. Shallow. Manipulative. Immature. Selfish. And that is all you will ever be. Will was a trillion times the man you are. And Connor…at least he knew he was nothing but a quick lay and a good time. So leave because I don’t want you here. I never have and never will want you. So go. Now.”
I wish I could see his eyes, but in the dark I can barely tell he’s there. The only sound comes from my shallow breaths. Neither of us moves or speaks for several seconds. “Are you done?” he finally asks calmly as I think his eyebrow rises. My own mouth twitches. “I have seen Lassie as well, my dear. It never worked on the dog either.”
I crumple in on myself and the tears begin anew. “Just go…please…please…” Even after all the horrible, untrue things I just spewed at him, Oliver still pulls me into his arms again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“I have heard far worse, and from those who actually meant the words,” he says.
“You need to go. You have to go. He’ll kill you. Please go. Please…” I hold onto him tighter. Oh God, I want to melt into his body. “I’m not worth this, Oliver. I’m not. You’ve done enough. You’ve enough for me, angel. I can’t…watch you throw your life away for me again. You are worth ten of me. Don’t you know that? How can you not know that? I’m no good, Oliver. I try to be, but there’s just something toxic about me. I destroy lives. Steven. Will. My mother. My brother. I ruin everything and everyone I come into contact with.” I sniffle. “My grandmother, my best friend, her babies are in fear for their lives because of me.” I pull away to grab his head, even digging
my fingers into his cheeks. He can see me in the dark better than I can and I bore my eyes into his, my whole body trembling. “Run. Run far and fast. Please. Run for your life while you still can and never look back. Please. Please. Please. I’m not…worth it. I’m not.”
I swear his eyes stare straight into mine. “You have no idea, do you? None.”
“What?”
He takes my hands from his face to hold them before staring down at them. His shoulders slump. “Darling, I am five hundred fifty-seven years old. Five hundred fifty-seven years I have existed on this planet. I have set foot on almost every continent. I have met beggars, kings, demons, spirits, housewives, movie stars. I have watched humanity evolve from believing the moon was supernatural to walking on it. From having a common cold kill to the transplantation of organs. I have seen and done all. I have lived a life most would only dream of. Beauty. Wealth. No limits. No guilt. No consequences. If I wanted it, I took it. I have slaughtered without mercy. I have lied, I have used, I have been cruel when I had no cause to be. That was the world I inhabited for over five centuries. Monstrosity was allowed, expected even. Just as I knew what I was expected to be. Even before I became a vampire,” he chuckles wryly.
“My course was set from before I was even conceived. I was born to be a farmer like my father and his before him. It did not matter that I loathed it. That I was wretched at it. That I woke most mornings wishing I had not. But it was my fate. As it was my fate to be…people always told me I was handsome, and naught else. Never anything else. The girls in the village blushed and giggled, tempted me even, but the church said to wait for a wife. So I did…until one mistake, one drunken night when I barely knew my own name. Sarah knew what she was doing. She wished to be the one to finally seduce the village beauty. To this day I do not believe she ever liked me let alone loved me. But she paid for her transgression. We both did. She fell pregnant, and there we were. There I was. Performing a job I hated, a husband to a woman I near despised, and making a mess of both. The only bright spot in my life were my children. I loved them. I adored them, Trixie. To this moment I miss them as I would a limb. And they were enough. Yet I lost them the moment Alain fed me his blood and turned me into…this monster. A monster forsaken by…the deity. I had been good, pious all my life, and how did He repay me? I lost my soul. I lost my children. So why not enjoy my new life of leisure? Of the flesh?
“But even as a vampire I was solely my body. My face. What I could do for them. And what did I know? Vampire, human it had always been that way. Perhaps it was survival. Perhaps I was not strong or intelligent enough to break out of that role. Even when it became dull. When I derived no more pleasure out of sex or luxury or touring the world. So when the opportunity to break out, try something new came about with the F.R.E.A.K.S., I was actually looking forward to my new role. The hero. The investigator outsmarting the baddies with my keen intellect. But they all knew what I had done. How I stood by as my so called friends slaughtered an innocent family. How I allowed Asher to kidnap Anna. Her being on the team did not help matters. She could barely look at me. They all could not. They wanted nothing to do with the killer foisted upon them. So I kept to myself and on cases I played my part. The muscle. Nothing but a body once again. I should know after five hundred plus years the more things change the more they stay the same. Thirty years of towing the line. Going through the motions as I always had. Because…that was all anyone ever expected of me. Wanted from me.
“Even when you arrived I viewed you as barley more than another conquest, especially after I saw how infatuated William had become with you. I had to win. But then…you trusted me. Me. A vampire you barely knew. Who I gave no reason to. Yet you let me in on your darkest impulses and fears. You listened to my advice and took it. You stood up to the man you were infatuated with to save my life. Even after I maimed you,” he says no doubt looking at the scar on my neck, “marked you, you did not hesitate. You forgave me. It was as if it never occurred. And if those were not miraculous acts to me, you…risked your life to save mine. Nobody has ever gone out of their way for me just because. You do not want me simply for my body or what I can do for you. You truly believe I am clever. Kind. Intelligent. Worthwhile. And you have not stopped pressing me, helping me, proving to me that I am. You made me think, you made me know I can be more. You showed me how to care about myself. About others. Because you demanded it of me. And you. You, this compassionate, bright, funny, loving, beautiful creature, if you think I am worthwhile, then I must be. no? You…make me a better man. You help me like myself. What is that against death?”
Before I can stop myself I lean forward and hug him. I practically cling to him for life. He embraces me back and for a moment all is right in the world. “You always give yourself such little credit. How can you not see what I do? You are a good man. And I’m sorry for what I said before. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know. I forgive you,” he says immediately.
“I’m just so tired. And scared. If anything happened to you again because of me…”
“Here. Lie down, darling.” He pulls away and gently presses me into the pillow. “Lie down.”
I rest my head on the pillow, and he lies down beside me, both on our sides so we’re facing one another. “I am so sorry for what I said,” I say.
“It is not as if none of it were untrue,” he says. “I can be vain, immature, shallow, and vindictive. I did maim you. I did…lash out because I was jealous of William. There is no excuse for what I did that night in the cages. None.”
“You scared me,” I admit. “That wasn’t like you.”
“It is no excuse, none, but when I discovered you and William were together, I knew he would take you away. He would do his damndest to end our friendship.”
“I wouldn’t have let him,” I say.
“Darling, you were planning to leave the F.R.E.A.K.S. already. It was the natural course of the situation. Where would I fit in between PTA meetings and cooking meatloaf? It would not be your fault. Or mine. Not even William’s truly. It would just be…life. But you would still be gone. I was furious. At William. At the fates. At you. I lost the course of myself. I was immature and cruel. I am a work in progress. But I regretted my actions the moment they occurred, and I swear on all I hold dear, it shall never happen again.”
I nod. “I believe you. And I forgive you. Just as I hope you forgive me. I locked you in the freezer. I let you run off to almost certain death.”
“Darling, I would have done the same had the roles been reversed. In truth I would have done more. I would do anything to save the person I loved. I knew what you were doing. The cause. And I knew what I was doing when I chased after William. Those I forgave long ago.” He pauses and looks down. Away from me. “But…you left. You left without a single word. You did not visit me in the infirmary. You packed up your life in Kansas and just ran away. You refused to return any calls. You abandoned me without a thought or glance back. As if I were disposable.”
For the first time through the whole of this horrid night, all the confessions and emotional turmoil of the past few hours, this is the first time he’s been visibly pained. Now we’re up close I can see his forehead’s creased and eyes weary. This makes my heart physically ache. “That wasn’t…I…” I let out a ragged sigh. “That wasn’t about you. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I…I saw you. In the infirmary. Right after the Doc stabilized you. You were still in a coma from the blood loss. All your wounds. Because of my brilliant decisions,” I chuckle sadly. “My own body was broken but nowhere near as mangled as my mind and soul. One unkind word, one look of anything but pure unadulterated happiness, and I would have shattered. I would have picked up a scalpel and slit my own throat. There was every chance you would hate me, and then I would fully and completely lose you too. It would have all been for nothing.”
“That was not the case,” Oliver says. “That would never be the case, Trixie.”
“I know. I knew that. Eventually.”
&nbs
p; “Then why would you still not speak to me?”
“Because…I didn’t want to move forward. Process it all. Admit I was angry at Will and the universe. To face it all like you forced me to do on the beach. It was me. It was all me. All me. It was wrong, I even knew it at the time, but I didn’t care. So I’m sorry. From the bottom of my soul, I am sorry. It had nothing to do with how I…feel about you. I missed you every hour of every day. I was just lost, and I wanted to stay that way. I wanted to stay still. Catch my breath. Let something, anything, be uncomplicated. And we are…not uncomplicated. Or shallow. That’s one of the reasons why I began seeing Connor. There was no chance of falling in love with him. We’d sleep together, we’d travel around the world, and we’d just have fun. No risk, all reward. And if something happened to him…like it has to everyone else around me…okay. Not the end of the world. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at what’s happened. Again. Out of all the men in San Diego I could have had a fling with I chose one who a few months ago tried to blackmail me into becoming his mistress? I could have picked up some accountant in a bar or signed up for Tindr. I purposely sought out a dangerous sociopath. Worse, I kept going back.”
“He was manipulating you,” Oliver says.
“I knew he was a killer. A manipulator. Ruthless. I knew he was selling me a bill of goods with trips and parties. But at least with him I knew he was no good. I mean, I’ve slept with four men in my life and three have tried to kill me.”
The Sin Eater (A F.R.E.A.K.S. Squad Investigation Book 5) Page 23