by Paul Long
“Tell me about a time when you and your brother were the closest, when you had the most FUN together,” I asked.
Her disposition began to change, and she gave a little smirk. “When we were kids, we didn’t have a care in the world. We’d dance and act up without any fear of what others thought. We’d play for hours on end. Those were the good ole’ days,” she said.
Finally I asked her the million-dollar question, “What’s your name?”
“Phyllis,” she responded.
“Phyllis, what’s something you’re super proud of that not many people know about you?”
She lit up with a smile that could brighten any room! “When my first husband passed, I was in my early fifties and had never had a job,” she stated. “I put myself through college and got a job as a manager at an engineering firm.”
Phyllis and I continued our conversation for the remainder of the flight talking about what we do for fun now, the most significant leaders in our life, and other interesting stories. For a brief moment, Phyllis wasn’t thinking about the passing of her brother. She was consumed by one of the most powerful FUNdamentals in existence, showing a genuine interest in others, and was forced to think about things that gave her strength.
We all have the power to make a difference in someone else’s day. By asking questions that force people to think, individuals are forced to be present in conversation. Being present allows you to experience life to the fullest, without judgment or distraction. It allows you the opportunity to move past your troubles while bringing more joy and fulfillment to the moment. This doesn’t typically happen when asking the same old questions about work, family, or the weather.
Below are some examples of questions that you could ask friends, family, coworkers or customers that might spark a more fruitful conversation, which in turn should result in greater fun and satisfaction for both parties. What questions might you add?
▪ What is something you’re proud of that not many people know about you?
▪ Tell me about your favorite vacation.
▪ What would you consider your greatest accomplishment in life thus far?
▪ Who is somebody in your life that you really look up to?
▪ We are 70 years young sipping piña coladas on the beach and talking through the legacies that we left. How do you want yours to look?
▪ What is the worst job you ever had?
▪ What is the last thing you can recall that made you laugh out loud?
▪ If you could tell me the most valuable lesson you’ve learned in the last several years, what would it be?
▪ What do you do for fun?
▪ If you absolutely had to do karaoke, what song would you choose?
▪ If someone close were to describe your personality in three words, what words would they choose?
▪ Tell me about your favorite hobbies.
▪ What is the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you?
▪ What was the first concert you attended?
▪ What is a project that you’re working on currently that you really enjoy?
▪ Who was your favorite celebrity hero or crush growing up?
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If you’re struggling to come up with fresh, thought-provoking conversation and need a little help, it might benefit to learn more about noticing and connecting questions.
Noticing questions are based off of things that you observe. For example, you might see an interesting item on a coworker’s desk. Leveraging that observation you may ask, “I noticed that cool little trinket on your desk with a quote on it. What’s it say?” Another example could pertain to something an individual is wearing. For example, “I noticed you wear bow-ties regularly and I really like them. How many would you say you have?” Typically when you ask about things that interest others, they will be far more willing to engage and appreciate you for taking the time to ask. In doing so, individuals might consider the situation, and even you, more FUN!
Connecting questions are based off of like interests. These questions help form connections and can help build trust. For example, you might spark a conversation by asking about a mutual friend, “I saw that you and I have several mutual connections on LinkedIn. How do you know Bob Smith?” Hobbies, sports, entertainment, restaurants, and education are all additional topics that could help provide a connection between two parties. Another example could sound something like, “Did I see you and your family over at that Italian restaurant off of 5th last week? We’ve been going there for years.
What did you order?”
There are a number of different ways and techniques that could drive more meaningful interactions with others. Whether you use noticing, connecting, or any other type of question, the goal is to show a genuine interest. In doing so, you’ll provide a FUN experience to those with whom you connect while building stronger, trust-based, sustainable relationships with them.
Articulated Expectations and Motivations
The next step in understanding others’ perspectives is taking time to recognize their expectations and motivations. Have you ever been frustrated by someone for not doing something that you never told them to do? How could someone possibly fulfill the expectations you have of them if they don’t even know what they are? Conversely, how could you know how to fulfill someone else’s expectations of you if you never took the time to ask what they were?
Uncommunicated expectations cause pre-planned resentments.
Taking the time to communicate expectations can go a long way in building relationships. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to connect with others if we asked them what they wanted from the relationship and how we currently stack up? Brutally honest feedback can scare some. However, there is a small faction of people that appreciate real feedback because it gives them the opportunity to improve.
What could potentially happen if you asked one of your customers to rank your business relationship on a scale from 1 to 10? Preface the question with the fact that you pride yourself in differentiating the service you provide through the client relationships you share and are always looking for ways to maximize your value offering. That kind of preface along with the question could go a long way in building trust. If you go this route, you must be prepared for whatever assessment they give you. Remember that their number is based solely off the expectations they have of the relationship. Therefore, the perfect follow-up question to gain a better understanding of what they expect could be, “How do I get to a 10?” Clarifying expectations allows you a higher probability in fulfilling them.
What individual doesn’t find delight in making others happy?
While there are many other contributing factors in understanding others’ perspectives, the final piece we’ll be covering in this chapter is the different ways in which individuals are motivated. As discussed in the previous chapter, The Foundation of F.U.N., personality styles play a huge role in all that we do. Educating yourself on the different bird styles in the DOPE 4 Bird Personality Test could go a long way in providing insight into how to communicate with others and better understand what motivates them.
In the spirit of simplification, we’ll only be exploring the two main types of motivators, intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivators come from within. Individuals motivated intrinsically want to do a good job because it creates a sense of personal achievement. In contrast, extrinsic motivators come from outside sources. Individuals motivated extrinsically are likely to complete a task or behavior to receive a reward or to avoid being punished. Rewards can b
e tangible items, verbal recognition from others, or even a high score.
Below are two individuals who work for a pharmaceutical firm. We will use their profiles to show how an inability to adapt to different personality styles and motivation can manifest itself in the work setting.
▪ Joanne Burch works as a pharmaceutical sales rep and is a dominant peacock. Her secondary bird style is the dove, and she loves to make others laugh while placing significant value in relationships. Joanne is motivated extrinsically and loves to be told she’s doing a great job. She has many sales awards and takes pride in being the top dog.
▪ Joanne reports directly to Dave Franklin. Dave is a dominant eagle with owl tendencies. He strives for excellence to fulfill the expectations that he places on himself and is intrinsically motivated. Dave is not vocal in his appreciation of others as he feels they’re just doing what they were hired to do. However, he does pay close attention to the sales numbers and recognizes that some individuals are more skilled than others.
I’m sure you can see where this is going. To thrive in communication and build more quality relationships, it is our responsibility to adapt our style to meet that of those with whom we interact.
It’s easy for us to communicate to others in a manner that’s most convenient to us. However, our style doesn’t always resonate with folks who have a different personality or are motivated by other things.
Most people are so interested in their own stories that it seems silly to invite them into your own, a place they have no interest in playing a part. Knowing this and modifying your style to meet them where they are will make a world of difference in creating more meaningful connections with others.
Having stronger relationships in life will reduce the number of challenging situations in which you find yourself and improve the likelihood of everyone having more FUN!
If Dave doesn’t express vocal appreciation for the work Joanne is doing, she will grow frustrated, and burnout could potentially take place. As a result, Joanne won’t have as much fun, and the pharmaceutical firm could lose one of its top salespeople due to a lack of communication. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if Joanne is consistently looking to be rewarded for achievements that fall under the basic requirements of the job, Dave could begin to resent her, have less fun in his role, and look to minimize their number of interactions.
Now let’s explore two individuals that live under the same roof. We will use their profiles to show how an inability to adapt to different personality styles and motivation can manifest itself at home.
▪ Holly Swanson works as a statistics professor for a prominent state university. She loves data and identifies as an owl. Holly is extremely smart and uses facts to support her arguments. When hanging with the family, Holly prefers to stay in and enjoy quiet time together. Her perfect evening would be ordering a pizza and hanging together in the family room while everyone reads or does crossword puzzles independently.
▪ Holly is married to Rich Swanson. Rich is a stay-at-home dad who lives to help others. If you were to look up images of a dove in Google, Rich’s picture would be the first to come up. Rich leverages emotion and feelings a lot in conversation and just wants Holly to appreciate him for all the love he gives to the family. His ideal night would be making a delicious dinner for the family and allowing each member to identify one game they want to play together. Everyone gets a turn, and everyone goes to bed happy!
As you can see, we have two vastly different personalities joined in wedlock. Some say opposites attract and having differences can be healthy for a relationship. In order for Holly and Rich to live in harmony, they must exercise compromise and proper communication. Holly is an introvert by nature who isn’t vocal in expressing her feelings. She must adapt to Rich’s style when necessary. On the flip side, Rich loves making others happy, but Holly isn’t outwardly expressive. It’s Rich’s duty to adapt to Holly when necessary and understand that she doesn’t love in the same manner as he loves. If compromise isn’t made and both parties don’t exercise flexibility, the ability to have fun together is significantly impacted.
The key to successful communication and overall satisfaction and harmony is balancing the needs of all those involved. Meeting individuals where they are, setting proper expectations with all parties, and understanding the differences in individual motivators will help maximize your overall effectiveness in driving the types of meaningful relationships you seek. As a result, you’ll be connected to others in a deeper manner thus reducing the number of negative interactions and increasing the opportunity for more fun in life.
At the end of the day every person is motivated by experience.
Do you know someone who appears to be motivated by money? What does money buy? Experience. Who can you identify that is motivated by title, promotion, or power? What does being a boss allow you to do? Drive experience. Can you remember someone in your life that appeared to be motivated by vocal appreciation? What could that be driven by? The experience of feeling valued! If you create an experience that shows others they are important and that you genuinely care about them, you might experience better relationships as a result. When you have better relationships, you notice a sense of fulfillment and joy in regard to your life in general. It’s powerful!
Having an unbiased perspective of others’ personalities can help create relationships characterized by trust, respect, love, and fun. Doves, owls, peacocks, and eagles can thrive together so long as all parties are willing to be flexible. Crossing quadrants into other bird styles is where conflict can take place. Understanding how each personality works, feels, responds, and plays can minimize potential conflict and replace it with mutual admiration, which increases everyone’s fun.
There’s a lot that goes into understanding others’ perspectives. Realizing that our experiences help drive the differences between us and allowing yourself to be curious rather than furious can help you avoid ill-placed judgment. In addition, showing a genuine interest in others by asking questions that truly matter can make a world of difference in driving more fun interactions. Taking into account all of these things while recognizing differences in personalities and personal motivations will provide a well-rounded approach to understanding others. That, of course, will allow you to be one step closer to maximizing FUN!
FUN Chapter Takeaways
▪ Keeping an open mind and being more curious than furious can reduce your number of negative experiences and instill a positive frame of mind.
▪ Expressing a genuine interest in others and asking meaningful questions can drive stronger connections, thus upping the fun quotient.
▪ Taking the time to learn others’ expectations increases your probability of meeting them, thus increasing your overall number of positive interactions.
▪ At the end of the day, everyone is motivated by experience. Take the time to create a fun, impactful experience for others and watch everyone’s level of delight skyrocket!
Next Up
We’ve examined your personal foundation and explored how understanding others’ perspectives can create more overall fun. It’s now time to introduce the N in F.U.N., with N being “next steps.”
The coming chapter offers a series of specific tactical exercises to help you have more FUN in your life. This will be where you put many of the principles discussed in previous chapters into practice and drive significant behavioral change to bring on the good times in all you do!
Chapter 5
Next Steps to Even More F.U.N.
“It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.”
—Zig Ziglar
Congratulations! You’ve made it through some self-reflection in your foundation and have taken some time to understand others’ perspectives. Now we can begin building your personal implementation strategy and move on to the N in F.U.N. because without it, it’s just F.U.! Welcome to next steps.
This i
s not a traditional book chapter. Creating your own personal implementation strategy to incorporate fundamism and have more FUN in life is dependent on you engaging in some self-discovery. Figuring out next steps is your journey, and I can only be a guide along the way. As such, this chapter is filled with activities that lead you through your unique path to fulfillment. They will lay the groundwork for your personal and deliberate approach to contentment.
The following next-step activities will allow you to identify what drives you and where you go from here. They are structured in the same order as the concepts introduced in chapters 3 and 4 on your foundation and understanding others’ perspectives. Move at a pace in which you are comfortable. These activities should provide insight and will only work when you devote yourself to doing them right, not just doing them to check them off a timeline you arbitrarily created. This is your opportunity to be 100% honest and transparent. Take your time, enjoy every step, and be as thorough as possible. Your ability to connect to your life through FUN depends on it!
Foundation
Experience
As discussed in chapter 3, The Foundation of F.U.N., your experiences in life help establish your belief system. Your belief system plays a huge role in driving your behavior, and this behavior significantly impacts your emotions. If you are interested in experiencing life a little differently, then you have to introduce new experiences in life. To determine what experiences will maximize FUN for you, you have to take some time reflecting on how your perspective was created. This will allow you a better understanding in what’s been holding you back from living a life of joy and contentment, it will provide you a greater chance of moving forward in achieving growth.