by Laura Martin
Anna’s eyes darted to Harry’s. She certainly would never forget the moment they’d shared in the clearing and the rest of the weekend wasn’t easily forgotten either.
‘I wanted to say something,’ Miss Wright said, ignoring the plate of food in front of her and fixing Anna with a steady stare. ‘Many things have happened this weekend that I am sure the rest of society does not need to know about and I wanted to assure you, Lady Fortescue, that they will not hear any details from me or my mother.’
Mrs Wright nodded her head in agreement.
‘Thank you,’ Anna said quietly.
‘Well said,’ Rifield agreed. ‘There is no need for any details from this weekend to be discussed by anyone who wasn’t here.’
All eyes were on her as Anna took a sip of wine to wet her throat. ‘Thank you all for your kindness. I feel I must apologise for the drama that unfolded over the weekend and embroiling you all in that. It was never my wish for things to happen as they did.’
Harry gave her a reassuring smile and Anna felt the corners of her mouth quiver as she tried to maintain her serious façade.
‘Please, don’t apologise,’ Miss Wright said. ‘I don’t know anything about the difficulties you faced in your last marriage, Lady Fortescue, or the disputes you have with your stepchildren now, but I do understand they must be substantial if Lord Edgerton is willing to put his own reputation on the line to try to resolve some of these issues. Especially as your engagement is not a true one.’
Stony silence followed for a few seconds. Most people around the table knew Anna and Harry had agreed to pretend to be engaged while the gossip died down, but no one was meant to say it out loud.
Harry cleared his throat, but before he could speak there was a clatter of cutlery as his mother dropped her fork.
‘Not true?’ Harry’s mother asked. ‘What does she mean, Harry?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Miss Wright said quickly. ‘I just assumed everyone knew.’
Anna scrutinised the young woman. She looked mortified by letting slip something she shouldn’t, but there was no way to be sure if the mistake was genuine or not.
‘Mother,’ Harry said, his voice steady with no hint of the trepidation he must be feeling at trying to explain the situation to his mother.
‘None of your clever words, Harry, tell me truthfully—are you engaged to this woman or not?’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘I don’t see what about the question is difficult to answer. Are you engaged?’
Anna felt her heart hammering in her chest. She knew the answer, she’d always been the one going around reminding everyone that their engagement was only for convenience, a ruse only to be maintained until society had found someone else to gossip about. Nevertheless she found herself holding her breath.
‘No, Mother.’
Deflating, Anna bowed her head so no one would see the disappointment in her eyes. His answer was never going to be anything but no. All the same, some part of her had wanted him to proclaim his affection for her, confess that although their arrangement had started off as a way to avoid a little bit of scandal it had ended with him falling in love. After this morning in the clearing she knew he desired her, just as she did him, but part of her was hoping for something more than that, something deeper.
‘No?’
‘I found myself in an embarrassing situation,’ Anna said. ‘Lord Edgerton was chivalrous enough to step in and offered to pretend to be engaged until the scandal was forgotten about.’
‘Harry, is this true?’ Lady Edgerton asked, a tremor in her voice.
He inclined his head.
‘What on earth were you thinking? What about your reputation? This family’s reputation?’
‘You raised me to think of others,’ Harry said quietly. ‘Lady Fortescue was in need and I was in a position to help.’
‘But this will ruin you. No decent woman will associate with you now.’ Her voice was becoming shriller and shriller and Anna could see Harry glancing uncomfortably at the rest of the guests. ‘This was your idea, wasn’t it? A way to trap my son into marriage.’
Anna shook her head. She didn’t want to tell everyone that Harry had insisted on their fake engagement, that he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
‘It was my idea, Mother,’ Harry said abruptly. ‘Lady Fortescue is a friend, she needed my help and I was more than happy to give it to her.’
‘You’re ruined, we’re all ruined. There will be just as much scandal when you break off the engagement.’
The countess was probably right, Anna reflected. They wouldn’t avoid all gossip by pretending to be engaged and then ending their relationship, but at least it gave them some power over when and how they made the announcement.
‘You’re ruined,’ Harry’s mother repeated.
‘No, I’m not. I am an earl and a wealthy one at that. I come from one of the oldest families in England and I will have absolutely no problem in securing a respectable wife.’ Harry spoke firmly but quietly, his tone brooking no argument, and Anna was glad to see his mother looked a little mollified, although her hands were still shaking as she picked up her fork again.
‘It’s not good,’ she mumbled to herself as she began eating. ‘It’s not good.’
Harry flashed Anna an apologetic glance, but she shook her head, a minute movement that she hoped portrayed that she wasn’t upset by the revelation.
Of course it was a lie. Inside Anna was crying, although she wasn’t quite sure why. She’d been the one pushing Harry away on every occasion, the one who had insisted over and over again that she did not ever want to marry. And she didn’t. It was just...
She couldn’t finish the thought, there were too many things that made her like Harry. Time and time again he’d swooped to her rescue, calmly dealing with whatever new problems arose. He was kind, but more than that he truly wanted to help people in meaningful ways. And then there were his kisses. Anna knew she would never be kissed like that again. Every time she looked at him she felt her pulse quicken and her skin flush. Just the memory of their kiss earlier in the day made her feel giddy with excitement.
‘I am so sorry,’ Miss Wright was murmuring to Harry. ‘I just assumed everyone knew. We’re such an intimate group after all.’
‘Please don’t apologise. Everyone but my mother was aware of the situation, and it was my fault for not enlightening her sooner.’
Anna saw the fingers that brushed against Harry’s arm and forced her gaze down to her plate. It didn’t matter, she told herself. She found Harry attractive, she enjoyed his company, but they were never going to end up together. That meant she had no right feeling jealous when Harry didn’t brush away Miss Wright’s hand or when he leaned his head in closer to hear what she was saying.
* * *
Anna tried to excuse herself after dinner, but was pressed into playing a couple of pieces on the piano before she could persuade Miss Wright to take over. Despite her objections the young debutante looked thrilled to be able to show off her own musical talents, Anna thought, acknowledging her thoughts as uncharitable.
Rather than returning to her bedroom, she slipped out on to the patio, meaning to take a stroll around the gardens to clear her head before bed.
‘It’s a beautiful night,’ a voice came out of the darkness, making Anna jump and let out a small cry. ‘Sorry to startle you.’
It was Lydia, who must have also slipped away between the dining room and the drawing room, sitting on a low stone bench and looking up at the stars.
Anna walked the length of the patio and perched on the bench beside Lydia, feeling the cold of the stone even through the layers of undergarments and skirts.
‘I’m sorry about Mother,’ Lydia said quietly.
‘There’s nothing to apologise for.’
‘You must think us an odd family.�
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‘Every family is a little odd in their own special way,’ Anna said, reflecting on the peculiar foibles of her own family.
Lydia gave a short, sharp laugh. ‘I suppose that’s true.’
‘I understand you are going to be accompanying Harry to London next week,’ Anna said, trying to keep her tone light. If she understood correctly this was the first time Lydia had agreed to go out into society since the scandal with Captain Mountfield last year, so quite a monumental event.
Lydia shrugged, looking down at her shoes that were peeking out from under her dress. ‘Miss Wright invited me to a piano recital. I thought it might be a pleasant way to spend an evening.’
Cautiously Anna searched for the right words. Just one ill-timed comment could be enough to push this nervous young woman back into her self-protective shell. ‘It’ll be a small, select group, I’m sure.’
Sighing, Lydia looked up at Anna. ‘I suppose you think me very foolish,’ the younger woman said.
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Hiding away here when you’ve been so brave to face the people who call you names and whisper about you.’
‘I think everyone deals with it in a different way,’ Anna said. ‘Neither is right or wrong.’
They were silent for a few minutes, both looking out into the dark garden and the starry sky beyond. The night was clear, probably the reason there was a noticeable chill in the air, but Anna felt no compulsion to get up and go inside, not yet. She had an instinct Lydia hadn’t quite finished with what she was trying to say, despite her silence.
‘The first night you were here, when you came and helped me dress for dinner, you said something to me,’ Lydia said after a few minutes. ‘You told me it was my life, that my decisions were my own and that if it made me happy I could stay away from society for ever.’
Anna remembered saying the words and nodded.
‘I’ve thought a lot about what you’ve said over the last few days and I realised you were right. I’m not happy shut away here, of course I’m not, but the only person keeping me here is me.’ Lydia bit her lip and Anna was reminded how young Harry’s sister was. At just eighteen she’d coped with so much already; no one this young should be having to make such monumental decisions. ‘It’s just that I’ve locked myself away for so long, I don’t know...’ She trailed off, shaking her head as if she couldn’t find the words.
‘You feel like by trying to return to a normal life you’re acknowledging how you’ve been living these past months was the wrong course and that doesn’t feel right?’ Anna ventured. She’d felt the same thing.
Lydia nodded, her eyes wide. ‘I don’t think I could have even thought about going to a piano recital or even socialising with Harry’s guests here a few months ago, maybe not even a few weeks ago.’
‘That’s perfectly natural,’ Anna said, giving Lydia a quick squeeze on the arm. ‘Time heals most wounds, even to our most fragile characteristics like our self-confidence. In a year’s time you’ll feel completely different to how you do now. In five years’ time this part of your life will be a distant memory and when you’re fifty and surrounded by children and grandchildren it will just be a short episode of a rich and varied life.’
Lydia gently placed her hand in Anna’s and looked up at her. ‘Thank you,’ she said quietly. ‘I can see why Harry cares for you so much.’
Anna felt a lump beginning to form in her throat. She knew Harry cared for her, it was obvious in everything he did, every way he tried to help her—the problem was she was starting to care for him rather deeply, too.
‘Your brother is very kind,’ Anna said carefully, trying to keep any hint of emotion from her voice.
‘He tries to help everyone,’ Lydia said. ‘He’s been like it ever since we were young. But he really does care for you.’
‘I value his friendship.’
‘There’s nothing more between you?’ she asked, her tone hopeful.
‘Your brother is looking for a quiet, scandal-free society wife,’ Anna said, ‘and I am certainly not that.’
‘But if he weren’t? If he were able to follow his heart and choose the wife he wanted?’
‘He doesn’t believe in following his heart,’ Anna said quietly. ‘He thinks love has no place in a marriage.’
‘Foolish man,’ Lydia said with a shake of her head. ‘Our parents...’ She trailed off. ‘Has Harry told you about our parents?’
‘A little.’
‘They were very much in love and they made one another miserable. I think it was worse for Harry, they’d mellowed a little by the time I was aware of what was going on, but they still sometimes had huge rows.’
‘That’s why Harry would never marry anyone he cared for. It seems so obtuse, thinking history would repeat itself.’
‘And he is nothing like our father. Father might have loved Mother fiercely at the beginning of their marriage, but he was selfish and thought only of himself. A man who truly loves a woman wouldn’t parade a string of mistresses in front of her eyes, he wouldn’t say things purely to cause hurt.’
‘Harry would never do that,’ Anna agreed.
‘Foolish man,’ Lydia said again. ‘I suppose he thinks he needs to protect me as well, marry someone with a good reputation, someone who might ease my passage back into society.’ She shook her head. ‘I just want him to be happy.’
They sat in silence for a few moments, both contemplating the reasons Harry was set on orchestrating his own unhappiness.
‘What if he realised he was wrong?’ Lydia asked. ‘What if he realised he wanted to marry you, someone he did care for?’
Anna couldn’t meet Lydia’s hopeful eyes. Of course she’d considered this very scenario, imagined Harry being free of responsibility, free of the fear that he might care too much for his wife, and asking her to marry him. Part of her would say yes without any hesitation, the part that acknowledged she was well on her way to falling in love with him. Then the sensible part of her stepped forward and made her remember her vow never to marry again, not because she was against breaking a vow, but because of the reasons behind the vow. She would never give a man that power over her again, not even a man as kind and generous as Harry.
‘I don’t think I’ll ever marry again,’ Anna said eventually.
‘He’ll end up with someone like Miss Wright. I know that’s the kind of wife he thinks best for him, someone pleasant and dull and respectable. And although my brother can make the best of most situations, a wife who does not challenge and stimulate him, who he does not care for, would make even him miserable,’ Lydia said.
‘I thought you liked Miss Wright.’
Lydia pulled a face that reminded her so much of her cousin Beatrice, Anna wanted to wrap her arms around the young woman.
‘She’s perfectly nice to my face, but I’m not convinced she doesn’t talk about me behind my back.’
So Lydia was much more astute than Anna had given her credit for.
‘Even if she doesn’t, she wouldn’t make Harry happy and that’s what is important. He doesn’t look at her like he looks at you.’
Smoothing down the satin material of her dress to keep her hands busy, Anna inclined her head, not trusting herself to speak.
‘Of course I appreciate what he’s trying to do for me, but sometimes I wish he’d be a little less selfless.’
‘Perhaps you should tell him that,’ Anna suggested.
Lydia sighed, but nodded all the same. ‘He still looks at me as if I’m going to shatter at any moment.’
‘It must be hard seeing someone that you love suffer,’ Anna said.
‘I know. And I know every time he looks at me he sees me up on the rooftop, thinking about doing something very stupid, but I just want him to get past that, to see I’m not the same person any more.’
Anna tried to keep her e
yes from widening at the revelation Lydia had just made. She’d known Harry’s sister had been brought very low indeed by the scandal following her liaison with Captain Mountfield, but she’d never imagined the young woman had tried to take her own life. But Lydia hadn’t revealed the depths of her desperation in a bid for attention, so Anna wouldn’t make a fuss of it.
Keeping the shock from her face, Anna said kindly, ‘He will. Give him time. Let him see you socialising a little, let him see you enjoying yourself and smiling and slowly he’ll realise how you’ve grown and moved on.’
‘But it might be too late by then. He might have already married someone who will make him miserable.’
Anna didn’t have an answer for that. Knowing Harry, he probably would have. It was going to take a long time for Lydia to find her confidence, to start socialising and for Harry to see that she was slowly getting better.
‘Talk to him then,’ Anna urged. ‘Tell him all this. Explain how you’re feeling, how you’ve grown. Perhaps that will be enough.’ Perhaps it would be enough to show him he didn’t need to marry a respectable woman for his sister’s sake, but it wouldn’t do much to shift his deep-seated belief that marrying someone he actually cared about would only end in disaster.
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, both lost in thought as they gazed up at the clear night sky.
Chapter Twenty
The rain was hammering on the stairs as Anna dashed out of the carriage and up to the Shipping Company office. Even though she was only out in the open for at most twenty seconds she was dripping wet by the time she swung the door shut behind her. Rainwater dripped from her hair, down the front of her dress and even off the tip of her nose. The hem of her dress was discoloured and muddy and already she could feel the wet material beginning to stick to her skin. The weather was a far cry from the beautiful days of Harry’s house party, but Anna couldn’t find it in herself to be miserable.
In the three days that had passed since she had returned home she’d felt light and high-spirited, so much so that both her cousin and uncle had commented on numerous occasions. Beatrice had pushed her again and again to talk about what had occurred during her trip to Kent, but Anna had wanted to keep the memories to herself, as if in sharing them they might escape and diminish.