by Mia Castile
“Are we ready?” I asked, and she smiled grandly. We rejoined the crowd as they were announcing the students of the homecoming court. Each couple filed in, did a twirl as if they were going to dance, and then went to the stage. Travis found my face again and smiled at me; it was a little off though. Then they announced the homecoming queen, “Macey Graham.” She stepped forward and took her crown. Homecoming king was “Darnel Abernathy.” Chiz stepped forward beaming to take his crown with his two black eyes and crooked nose. I turned to Abby and mouthed “Darnel Abernathy?” She smiled widely and nodded yes. No wonder he went by Chiz. They stepped to the middle of the dance floor, and al began their ritual dance. They al actual y looked like they were enjoying it. Alex and Gloria smiled and giggled. Mason looked pleasant, but kept looking at Abby longingly. Travis was engulfed in conversation with Jil ian, his eyes soft, and a smile creeping into the corners of his mouth. He nodded yes and leaned down to her. She then brushed her lips to his, draping her arms around his neck. I gasped and began backing up, pressing against the bodies that surrounded me. They stood there for what felt like an eternity. I turned, pushing my way through the crowd. Abby reached for me, but I pul ed out of her grasp. I heard a female say, “She should have known they would get back together. They belong together.” I got out of the crowd and ran. I slammed into the doors, plowing them open until I was out. I paused on the school’s front stoop long enough to catch my breath, and then I ran. I’ve never run in heels before, but it didn’t matter and I didn’t fal . I ran until the school was out of sight. Then I walked. I walked several blocks blindly until I found myself at a park in the center of a neighborhood I didn’t know. I walked to a swing and sat. I didn’t know how long sat there alone, but I turned when I heard footsteps behind me.
Chapter 15
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
Travis
Mr. Dailey announced the homecoming court. As we came in to make the grand entrance that had been rehearsed for two periods on Friday, Jil ian whispered to me, “This can be painless or difficult; it’s up to you.” I suddenly felt very anxious, but smiled to Gia as I stood on the stage. I didn’t want her to be nervous. Mr. Dailey announced Chiz and Macey as the homecoming king and queen. Then came the part I was dreading, dancing with Jil ian. We descended the stairs. We took our position.
“Your date is real y pretty this evening.” She looked sincere.
“Thanks, I think she is most days,” I said.
“You two real y do make a cute couple. I didn’t see it before last night, but she needs you to take care of her. I get it.”
“Are you on some kind of special medicine?” A smile crept into the corners of my mouth, and I leaned toward her adding, “It would mean a lot to me if you realized how serious I am about her.” She smiled and breathed, “I do.” And that was when she kissed me, wrapping her arms around my neck and holding me there. After what felt like an eternity but was probably more like seconds of struggling against her, I pul ed her off me. I turned to where Gia had stood, but she was gone. I was stil clutching Jil ian’s hands at the wrists hard.
“You’re hurting me,” she whined. I threw her arms to her side.
“Not nearly enough,” I said, as I caught sight of Gia running for the back door, a red streak on the back of her beautiful dress that flowed behind her almost in slow motion. I tried to catch her but was pressed in the crowd. By the time I made it through to the front door of school, she was gone. Alex was behind me.
“Smooth, Nichols,” he said.
“She just kissed me; I had no idea.” I hit my fist against the brick.
“If you’ve broken her heart…,” he began but stopped himself.
“I’l make this right,” I said, as I took off running; I had an idea of where she might have gone.
I ran until I reached the pier. I walked to the edge that faced the shore line. She was nowhere in sight, but it was dark so I took off my shoes and socks and began to walk the beach. I walked until I was past most of the hotels. I turned and went back toward the pier. She was nowhere in sight. I found a bench and sat there. I needed to col ect my thoughts. I wondered how last night we’d had so much fun and tonight it was ruined. Her dress was ruined; our relationship ruined. I walked until I found myself sitting on her stoop, waiting for her. I sat there for what felt like hours. The porch light came on. Minutes later Oliver opened the door and came out. I turned to look at him. He came and sat on the other side of the stairs. He looked up at the sky for a long moment.
“Tonight didn’t go as you planned?” he asked matter-of-factly.
“What was your first clue?” I asked, not looking up from my feet.
“Wel , you’re here, and my daughter is not.” He misses nothing, I thought sarcastical y.
“Something happened at the dance that upset her. I couldn’t get to her, and she took off. Now I’m just waiting for her to cool down so we can talk.” I didn’t know why I was explaining myself to him.
“Did you check the beach? She used to go there a lot as a little girl. I guess she always felt safe there. I used to go there sometimes and just watch her stare off into the gulf. She was so young to have such a serious face, ful of serious thoughts. I didn’t make their childhood easy. Sometimes the drink can turn you into someone you don’t know. Or,” he paused and looked at me, commanding my attention. I looked up at him. “It brings out the darkest person you have inside you.” Then, shrugging, he said, “Not that there’s any excuse for the mistakes we make in our lives. If we spend our time blaming other people, we are just as delusional as we were when we justified our decisions to do those things.” His expression went soft. “Why don’t you go home? I’l tel her you were here, and she can cal you when she returns. That one, she spends a lot of her time thinking and makes her decisions on her own. You can’t change her mind. In some ways, she’s just like her mother when she was younger, before.” He trailed off and looked up to the sky again. He stood and went back to the door before turning again to say. “Real y, Travis, just go home.” I stood and slowly began my walk home. I didn’t even know what I would say when I did see her.
Chapter 16
What Becomes of the Broken-hearted?
Gianna
“You look like you’ve lost your best friend.” I turned to see Chiz approaching.
“It feels worse than that.” I continued slowly to swing.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” He leaned against the pole, his hands in his pocket, his crown cocked at an angle on his head.
“How long are you going to wear that thing?” I tilted my head, appraising how goofy he looked.
“I’m the king, so as long as I want.” He moved behind me and began to swing me, pushing me on my stil damp back. “A few of us were worried about you. We split up to look for you. I’m glad I found you.”
“Worse. Dance. Ever.” I sighed.
“Yeah, I saw Travis and Jil kiss. That’s harsh.” It was one thing to have seen it; it was another to have Chiz confirm it. He continued, “I mean they probably just got caught up in the moment. You know, nostalgia.” He held me at my waist longer than he should have to push me, but he pushed me again gently.
“Too bad about your dress, too. You were smokin’ tonight, wel , stil are.” I was glad I didn’t have to look in his eyes. “Are you going to let him dump you like this?”
“Huh?” It was like he was speaking another language. I didn’t understand the question.
“I mean, obviously they are getting back together. He wouldn’t have kissed her if he wasn’t. Travis’ most annoying quality is that he’s a stand-up guy.
I just can’t believe he dumped you like this. He’s a jerk if you ask me.” He held onto me again. I turned to look at him. The hurt had to be clear in my eyes.
“Sorry, were you thinking he’d stil want to date you after that?” He looked apologetic. I turned back around.
“I was thinking it was a mistake, and we’d work things out.” I leaned my head
against the cool chain.
“I don’t know if you want to stay in that drama. Him with you, wishing he was with her. You deserve so much better.” Chiz came around and stood in front of me, taking my hands and pul ing me to stand.
“I could protect you from him. Al you have to do is ask.” He didn’t let go of my hands.
“What are you gonna do, rough him up? Give him an offer he can’t refuse?” I used my best New York accent. He chuckled.
“Funny girl. No, I’l just tel him to leave you alone. But only if you want me to; I just think you shouldn’t talk to him for a while.” Then he pul ed me into a bear hug. I had trouble breathing; he held me too tight. I pul ed away as far as he’d let me to look up at him. He had this weird look in his eyes. Then his eyes closed as he leaned toward me. My eyes grew large as I realized he was going to try to kiss me. He held me too tightly for me to just step away. My only option came to me at the last second. As his lips were about to brush mine, I turned; giving him my cheek, my signature move. He planted it and then smiled at me, releasing me.
“I’l give you a ride home, if that’s OK.” I nodded, and he led me to his monster SUV.
Travis cal ed me every half hour from eight o’clock in the morning al day Sunday.
I didn’t take his cal s, so he texted me.
I really need to talk to you.
Please let me explain.
I didn’t know that she would do something like that; I would have never let her if I did.
And final y,
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you.
I kept hearing Chiz’s voice saying, “Him with you, wishing he was with her.” I kept waiting for the tears to come, but they didn’t. I stayed in my room al day listening to loud rock music. It was so loud that Oliver came to my door twice tel ing me to turn it down.
Alex came to my room mid-afternoon as I sat in the middle of my bed leaning against the wal staring at my beautiful painting. He sat down beside me and looked at it, too, for a while not saying anything. Final y, he turned the music down and said, “You can’t hold him responsible for something that happened to him, something that he had no control over. He real y likes you. He doesn’t play games; you know that. He would never hurt you.” When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “Oliver’s gril ing steaks. If you’re hungry they should be ready soon.” I sat there staring at the painting. I didn’t know how to gauge my emotions. I was hurt. I was humiliated. I felt betrayed even though it made sense that it wasn’t his fault, but I kept thinking that there might have been a part of him, however large or smal it was, that wanted to be with her. He promised me that I had nothing to worry about, but kissing Jil ian or being kissed by Jil ian stil hurt me. My dress was ruined. My evening was ruined. My relationship, the one thing that had made this move seem as if it had a purpose, was ruined. I looked over to the pictures Oliver had already had printed up from the evening before. They had been waiting for me there on my dresser after Chiz dropped me off, being annoyingly charming by walking me to the door and introducing himself to Oliver.
We looked so happy in those pictures. There were actual y a few pictures in which we looked in love with each other. I had stared at them into the early hours of the morning, wil ing myself to cry, but the tears didn’t come. I had climbed out of bed with the first light and taken a shower, washing away the reminisces of the evening only to sit here in the middle of my bed the entire day staring at the painting his sister had given me only days ago. I was dealing with it the way I usual y dealt with uncomfortable things, loud music and silence.
My phone rang again. This time it was Abby. I answered it.
“Are you trying to worry me to death? You didn’t cal last night; you didn’t cal today. What happened? Did Travis find you? Did he explain what happened? You know he didn’t kiss her; she kissed him.” I instantly regretted answering the phone.
“No, I’m not trying to kil you; I haven’t cal ed anyone. I don’t know what happened. I haven’t talked to Travis. I haven’t taken any of his cal s. I’m not ready to talk about it with him. I hope he didn’t kiss her, but it looked to me like he did. And it stil doesn’t change the fact that I was humiliated when the drink was spil ed on me, and then I had to watch another girl kiss my boyfriend. I might skip school tomorrow,” I sighed and leaned my head against the wal .
“You guys aren’t breaking up, are you?” Her voice was shaky.
“I don’t know. I just am having trouble dealing with this.” We spoke for a while longer and then hung up.
Oliver brought me steak, mashed potatoes, and a soda, and sat them on my dresser. I didn’t even look at him as he shut my door behind him. I stared at the painting, suddenly lost in another memory, one that I had forced myself not to think about since it happened.
We were there in the hospital room, the room with stark white sheets and blankets on the bed which made it feel as if the gray wal s were closing in on us. My mom looked like a shadow of herself, her bald beautiful smooth head, her beautiful brown eyes staring blankly straight ahead past me.
Mitchel sat holding her hand. Alex stood in the corner, staring out the window. I stood at the foot of her bed. I could not say a word. I could not help. I just held her gaze, hoping for the recognition of me. She didn’t. The doctors said it would be soon but gave no exact time frame.
We’d been in this exact position as we stood there for over an hour, but it felt like longer. Her breathing was labored, her eyes glassy and hol ow, staring through me. A few times her breaths slowed and the monitor would blip slower, and we al looked at her, but the monitor would catch up.
Holding our breaths, we would al three slowly let them out. Final y, after what felt like hours, she whispered through a raspy breath, “Gia, Lexie, my angels, I’m with you, always.” Alex moved to my side with a speed I actual y felt a breeze from. Her gaze rested on me as she looked at me, not past me. She smiled as her focus shifted to Alex. And then she was gone. A dul ness entered in her eyes, and she exhaled slowly. The monitor made a final blip and then a long tone. That tone became so loud, deafeningly loud. I couldn’t hear any other noise.
Mitchel buried his head in the bed. I had never seen or heard a grown man weep before. I heard him weep that day. Alex put his arm around me and squeezed me sideways. I buried my head into the crook of his armpit. He began to sniffle. I held him around the waist, and he leaned his head on mine and began to cry. I had tears in my eyes. I wil ed them to go down to my feet and away from my eyes. I couldn’t lose it, too.
The doctor and nurse who had been hovering in the hal way came in. It was only a moment, but it could have been hours. Time stood stil . I held my brother up as our mother slipped away. I had heard a psychic on a morning radio show say once that it took thirty minutes to reach heaven after someone died. It comforted me that maybe she was stil hovering, probably watching me be brave for her family.
After Mitchel made phone cal s and they took my mother away, we went home. It felt empty without her there. I stood in our foyer ful of pictures of my childhood, of our struggle, of our courage, of our loss.
The funeral was surreal. I had family that I had never met come from across the country and even a great uncle from Italy. Everyone wept over the loss of “such a young life” they’d said. I just stood in the corner and watched. It was as if I were watching a movie, even watching myself—accepting hugs and getting Kleenexes for those crying when I had no tears. I stared emptily at al these strangers.
Mitchel had begged me to play a song for my mother on my guitar, but I refused. I couldn’t force myself if she had come back from the dead and asked me herself. It was the only time he had become angry with me. He never apologized for cal ing me selfish. I didn’t care. There were worse things he could have done, but he didn’t. I forgave him. I understood he was mourning.
I woke up in my sweats and tank top on top of my comforter. My lights were off; my music was off; the only noise was a soft breeze against my window screen. I crawled under my covers
and waited for morning.
When morning came, I put on a black jersey dress. It had a high neck line that fel off one shoulder. The sleeves came to my elbows, and the hem hit above the middle of my thigh. I paired it with a wide black leather belt around my hips. I put on my black leather knee boots and surveyed myself after I straightened my hair, flipping up the ends. I was fairly pleased with my appearance. I went downstairs, and Alex did a double take.
“Trying to make him suffer?” He threw his bag over his shoulder.
“I don’t dress for anyone but myself, and I felt like I need to look my best today.” I tried to keep my composure. I was afraid that I might lose it at any moment. I went to the cupboard and got two Pop Tarts and fol owed him out the kitchen door.
“Damage control, huh?” he chuckled. We made it to school, and Gloria was hovering near the front door waiting for him. I felt a lot of eyes and heads turn toward me as I walked down the hal way. Abby was waiting by my locker.
“Did you talk to him?” she asked, bypassing pleasantries. I just shook my head as I opened my locker. She looked at me with her head cocked to the side, then the stepped back and surveyed me. “Why do you look like you just stepped out of Cosmo?” Her expression was accusing. Then she looked up and smiled, “Incoming.” She turned and was gone. I began putting my books in my locker as Travis leaned his shoulder on the locker next to me. I didn’t say anything to him. I let him stand there. I was in my locker; this time he wouldn’t make me late by blocking it. Final y, when I couldn’t put it off anymore, I looked up at him. His pained look broke my heart, but I heard Chiz again in my head. Him with you, wishing he was with her.
“Can we talk?” he almost whispered.
“I’m going to be late.” I shut my locker, turned, and walked away. I didn’t look back; it would have hurt too much.
My classes were distractions. I took detailed notes. I didn’t look at anyone except my teachers—not at the boys around me when they made comments about my obvious break up or asked if they could take me out, not at the cheerleaders when they made their snide remarks. I held my head high and ignored everyone. Lunch rol ed around, and I was surprised to see Travis sitting at another table. I sat beside Alex, and he looked at me and shrugged. Travis sat beside Chiz in the center of the lunch room. My eyes found his almost every five minutes on the dot. I wasn’t sure if his ever left me, but I’d look away as long as I could and when I looked at him, he just sat there slouched down, watching me, his tray untouched. He wasn’t taking part in the conversation at his table. He just watched me. I didn’t eat either or participate in my lunch table conversation. Abby kept squeezing my hand under the table encouragingly. Final y, I’d had enough. I stood, dumped my tray, and found my way to my speech class ten minutes before the bel rang. I lay my head down on my desk and waited for the inevitable. I waited, knowing I could no longer escape him, and I would be alertly aware of his presence sitting behind me.