by April Wilson
I forget my train of thought when he brings his hands up to cradle my face, moving carefully, deliberately, as if gentling a skittish animal. His thumbs brush against my cheeks, and I stand there frozen. I look up into his face, into a pair of dark glasses that mask his emotions. I wish he’d take the glasses off, so I could see his face and read him better.
He swallows hard and parts his lips on a shaky inhalation.
Oh, my God, he’s going to kiss me.
Chapter 14
Molly
I realize his intentions just a heartbeat before he lowers his mouth to mine. His warm hands feel good on my chilled face as he tips my face up to meet his. My eyelids drift shut as I savor the feel of his lips as they gently brush against mine, soft and coaxing, sending a spark of pleasure coursing through me.
It’s been so long since anyone has kissed me I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like. The relationship with Todd had been strained long before I caught him in bed with another woman, so it’s truly been a while for me. I’m not sure I’m ready for this.
His lips graze mine, gently at first, tentatively, as if asking for permission. The fact that he’s not demanding or assuming anything makes me like him that much more. Desire starts coiling low in my belly, warming me, giving me a tantalizing taste of what it would be like to surrender to my body’s desires.
I feel shaken, completely unbalanced. In a desperate effort to find something solid to hang onto, I reach out and grasp his arms. His biceps are hard as rocks. And when I touch them, they flex and tense, as if he’s just as affected by the contact.
I’m convinced I have to put a stop to this when his lips settle more firmly on mine, creating pull and suction as he seals our kiss. My brain short-circuits, and I lose all coherent thought. His lips coax mine open, and I selfishly give in to the pleasure. Just for a moment.
I indulge myself, letting his lips mold themselves to mine. When I suck in a shaky breath, he takes advantage of the opportunity to slip his tongue in and explore the inside of my mouth. When his tongue strokes mine, I feel a direct connection low in my belly, where desire is throbbing inside me. All I can do is hold onto his arms for dear life.
Jamie groans low in his throat as he cups the back of my head with one hand, cushioning me as he presses me against the barn wall. He looms over me, deepening our kiss with a hunger that matches my own.
Through the haze of my arousal, I remind myself to maintain some distance between us. I grab hold of the front halves of his jacket, both of my hands fisting the material to prevent him from pressing his chest fully against mine and coming into contact with my prosthetic breast forms. I don’t know if he’d be able to tell they’re prosthetics or not, and frankly, I don’t want to find out. I can’t afford to let him get too close. I never realized how self-conscious I am about my body until now. But then, no one’s ever come so close before, other than Todd.
Jamie abruptly breaks away and steps back, releasing me to run his fingers through his hair. His chest is heaving as he sucks in air. I should be grateful he put a stop to the kiss, but in all honesty, I feel sadly bereft.
A second later, I realize why he pulled back. We’re not alone.
Elly is standing just inside the barn, her blue eyes wide as she gawks at us. She was clearly caught by surprise, but I’m not sure if it’s a good surprise or a bad one.
She’s wearing an oversized raincoat and galoshes and holding an umbrella. Tucked under her other arm is another umbrella. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry,” she gasps, her free hand pressed to her lips. “I had no idea.”
That makes two of us. I smile at her, despite the awkwardness of the situation.
“It was raining so hard,” she says, “I figured you’d need an umbrella to make it back to the house. And since supper is nearly ready…” Her voice trails off as she looks from Jamie to me and back to Jamie. When her gaze settles on me once more, she smiles warmly.
I hold my hand out for the umbrella. “Thanks, Elly.”
She hands it to me. “I’ll just head back to the kitchen to finish getting supper ready. You two take your time. There’s no rush. I’ll keep your food warm.”
When she dashes back out into the rain, gone as quickly as she arrived, Jamie and I both dissolve into quiet laughter.
“I think she got an eye full,” I say.
Jamie seems amused. “I’d say she did.”
I open the umbrella, eager to take the cowardly way out. If I pretend it never happened, maybe he’ll follow my lead. “We’d better head to the house.”
He catches my arm. “Molly, wait.”
My heart climbs up into my throat. “What?”
“You never answered me.”
Oh, crap. After that kiss, how can he possibly expect me to remember what we were discussing? “I’m sorry. What was the question?”
“Molly, I want to see you. Will you have dinner with me tomorrow?”
My ears are ringing, and my face is flushed. Our kiss may have been short – and prematurely interrupted – but I’d wanted more. I’d wanted it to go on and on and on. It had felt so good.
Every time he touches me, it feels good. But my disastrous marriage comes to mind, and I immediately nix the idea of letting this go any further. I was wrong to think that losing my breasts wouldn’t come with serious repercussions. Obviously, it did. I don’t want to experience that kind of rejection again, especially from Jamie.
I close my eyes, the pain of regret knifing through me before I even open my mouth. “Jamie, I’m sorry. I really like you, a lot, but I’m just not looking to date anyone right now. It’s nothing personal. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to do that again.”
Even as I say the words, I hate myself. I hate myself for being a coward, because every damn word I said was a lie. I hate myself for hurting him – surely it took a lot of courage on his part to even ask me. I’m sure he has his own insecurities and misgivings given his blindness.
Jamie nods, although he’s frowning. “Sure, I understand.”
He holds his hand out to me, and it takes me a moment to realize he wants the umbrella. I hand it to him, and he holds it high above our heads.
“Do you mind?” he says, laying his other hand on my shoulder.
I hate that he even needs to ask if I’ll be his eyes. “Of course, I don’t mind. You don’t need to ask.”
We head out into the rain, Jamie holding the big umbrella over both of us, shielding us from the worst of the rain. Neither one of us says a word on the way to the house, and I’m afraid my rejection has put a damper on our new-found friendship.
I was so focused on myself and my reaction to his kiss that I never truly considered how my answer to his question might affect him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.
“Head for the side door with an awning over it,” Jamie says, as we near the house. “That door leads right into the mud room off the kitchen. We can dry off there.”
When we reach the side entrance, Jamie reaches around me to open the door and hold it for me. I step inside the warm mud room, and Jamie shakes the excess rain from the umbrella and follows me inside.
We hang up our coats, then head into the kitchen. My stomach growls when I smell the savory aroma of a roasting chicken. Elly’s standing at the island counter tossing a salad.
She glances up at us. “Perfect timing. Your supper’s ready. I’m sorry the weather’s not cooperating with your visit today.”
“It’s all right,” I say. “I was able to see the view of the lake from the house well before the rain started. I got what I needed.”
There’s a small table in the kitchen, situated in front of a brick hearth with a blazing log fire, and it’s already set for two.
“I thought it would be cozier for the two of you to eat in here,” she says, carrying the salad bowl to the table. “The fire will help warm your bones.”
“Thank you, Elly,” I say, truly touched by her thoughtfulness. “This is lovely.”
At th
e sound of my voice, Gus comes running into the kitchen. Jamie greets the dog, then pulls out a chair for me. He seems subdued, and there’s a tightness in his expression that tells me he’s trying to hide his disappointment.
“Thank you,” I say.
“No problem.”
Even when he’s unhappy, he’s still unfailingly polite.
Gus lies down on a rug in front of the hearth as Jamie takes the seat opposite mine.
“This looks wonderful, Elly, thank you,” I tell her when she serves us a very delicious meal – roasted chicken breasts and potatoes, steamed asparagus, salad and warm rolls. I wish she hadn’t gone to such trouble.
Her pensive gaze gravitates to Jamie’s stoic expression. Finally, she gives me a hopeful smile. “I’ll just leave you two to enjoy your meal. There’s warm apple cobbler on the stove and vanilla ice cream in the freezer. Please help yourselves.”
Elly departs, leaving us alone again, which I’m sure was her goal. We eat in silence, the only sounds coming from the dog snoring on the hearth rug and the crackling pops and steaming hisses made by the burning logs in the fireplace.
Jamie has barely said a word to me since the barn. I feel like I owe him an apology. “Jamie – ”
“It’s fine, Molly,” he says, his voice calm, yet curt. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”
I watch Jamie’s long fingers as he deftly cuts his chicken and eats his meal. I remember very clearly how those fingers felt on my face. And, of course, that leads to reliving the feel of his lips on mine. I still can’t believe he kissed me.
I try once more to explain myself. “I value your friendship very much,” I tell him, cringing as I know how condescending that sounds, how cliché. It’s the oldest excuse in the book, but in this case, it’s true. “I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that.”
“Our friendship means a lot to me, too.” He wipes his mouth on a napkin and sighs. “I apologize if I was out of line earlier. Back in the barn. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m sorry.”
The suggestion that he regrets kissing me hurts.
Elly pops her head through the open kitchen door. “Jake’s back. He just pulled up,” she says. “I just thought I’d let you know.”
After we finish our meal, we head to the great room to sit and relax a bit before the fire in the big hearth. The warm, cheery fire in the great room is a welcome sight, as the day has turned decidedly cold and bleak, and not just because of the weather. Jamie joins his brother and Elly’s husband, George, at the bar for drinks. Gus comes to lie down on the rug in front of the sofa, laying his head at my feet.
“Nothing for me, thanks,” I say, when Jake offers to make me a drink. “I’m just going to sit here and watch the storm.” Outside the wall of windows, the storm rages on. Lightning streaks across the dark sky, followed by the distant crack of thunder.
“Quite a storm we’re having this evening,” Elly says, taking a seat beside me on the sofa. She’s holding a cup of hot tea.
I smile at her. “Yes, it is.”
“Can I get you a cup?”
”No, thanks. I’m still full from that delicious meal.”
Elly’s gaze drifts over to the bar, where the three men are conversing. Jake’s standing behind the bar, acting as the bartender. Jamie and George are seated on adjacent barstools facing him. I can’t quite make out what they’re saying, but at least they’re laughing.
“He’s doing all right by himself, isn’t he?” Elly says, watching Jamie wistfully.
I know exactly who she’s referring to. “Yes, he is. He has incredible coping skills. I’ve seen him do things I’d never thought a blind person capable of.”
Elly nods, and I can tell from the set of her lips that she’s suppressing strong emotions.
“He’s like a son to me,” she says. “I didn’t want him to leave this house. In fact, I begged him not to, but he said it was something he had to do. Now, I can see he was right. There’s something different about him. He seems more settled, happier.”
“He seems happy to me, but then I don’t really know him that well. I do know that he has lots of visitors coming to his apartment.”
She smiles. “His brothers, I’m sure. And friends.” She looks at me out of the corner of her eye, a sly smile on her face. “Are you, by chance, one of those visitors?”
I’m not sure how to answer that. “I’m his neighbor, so yes. We run into each other frequently.”
She frowns. “Pardon me for being blunt, but what I saw you two doing in the barn was more than just being neighborly.”
My face heats with embarrassment as I think about what she walked in on. She’d never believe me, though, if I told her that was the only time we’d kissed.
“I’m sorry,” she says, eyeing my discomfort. “I didn’t mean to pry.”
My gaze drifts over to the bar, to Jamie in particular. He’s laughing at something his brother said. Elly’s husband claps Jamie on the back good naturedly, and it’s clear that whatever Jake said, it was at Jamie’s expense.
Elly sighs. “It’s good to see him like that, laughing, just being one of the guys. When he first came here, he was sullen and kept to himself. It was so painful to watch him just trying to get through each day. It’s taken him a long time to reclaim his life.” She looks at me, a hopeful smile on her softly-wrinkled face. “He’s a good man, Molly. He would make a wonderful husband.”
* * *
It’s almost six o’clock when Jamie asks me if I’m ready to head home.
“Sure,” I say, hating that we have to leave. I’ve enjoyed chatting with Elly and watching Jamie interact with his brother and Elly’s husband. But I guess all good things must come to an end, including our little road trip.
Packing up my camera gear and fieldbook, I follow Elly and the guys to the front door. The rain has stopped, but it’s unusually dark this evening because of the heavy cloud cover. When Jamie relies on Gus to lead him down the front steps to the waiting SUV, regret stabs me. I feel like I lost something today, something precious and fragile that I’m just now realizing meant something to me.
After Jamie climbs into the front passenger seat, Jake puts Gus in the back of the vehicle. Then he opens the rear passenger door for me. I settle into the back seat and buckle my seat belt.
Jake climbs into the driver’s seat. “Got everything?” he says, eyeing me in the rearview mirror as he starts the engine.
“Yes.”
As Jake pulls away from the house, my heart is heavy, and there’s a painful lump in my throat. Jamie hasn’t said a word to me since dinner. I’m sure he regrets kissing me, and I really can’t blame him. He went out on a limb for me – probably the first time he’s done so since his accident – and I shot him down.
* * *
I’m lulled into a state of half-wakefulness on the drive home. The vehicle is toasty warm inside, and my belly is full from a wonderful dinner. The guys speak quietly, their baritone voices a soothing backdrop to the sounds of the vehicle driving on wet pavement.
I’m startled into wakefulness when Jake pulls up in front of our apartment building. The light from the lamp post blinds me as I gather my things.
Jake walks us up the steps to our building, and we say goodnight, thanking him for the ride and his company. He pats Jamie on the back, then gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “Goodnight, guys.”
Jamie enters the security code and opens the door for me. We both stop in the foyer to collect our mail, then head up to our respective apartments. We may live just yards from each other, but right now it feels like we’re miles apart. I just want to get inside my apartment before I start bawling like a baby.
The moment I close my apartment door behind me, I feel my throat tighten up as hot tears sting my eyes. What happened today? Somehow, we went from a budding friendship that meant the world to me to a total crash-and-burn. It happened so fast. Somewhere between an impromptu kiss and a rejected offer of a date, everything went wrong.
I jump
when I hear a light knock on my door. After wiping my damp eyes, I glance out the peephole. It’s Jamie, along with Gus.
My heart thuds painfully as I open the door partway. “Jamie,” I say, hoping he won’t hear the tears in my voice.
His hair is a tousled mess, as if he’s been running his fingers through it. He braces one arm against the door frame and sighs. “May we come in? Just for a minute.”
“Sure.” I step back to give them room to enter. “Come on in.”
Jamie takes a few hesitant steps into my apartment, then stops just a couple of feet from me. “Molly, I owe you an apology.”
His heartfelt apology takes me completely by surprise. “For what?”
“For being an ass. I didn’t handle this afternoon well. I hope you’ll forgive me. I don’t want to lose your friendship.”
The pain in his voice magnifies my own. “There’s nothing to forgive, Jamie. And I don’t want to lose your friendship either.”
He reaches for my hand, and I offer it to him. He squeezes it gently. “Good. I’m glad.”
He looks relieved.
After one more light squeeze, he releases my hand and backs toward the door, reaching behind himself to feel for the door jamb. “Sleep well. I’ll see you soon.”
And then he’s gone, closing my apartment door behind him.
I lock the door and head to the bathroom to get ready for bed. It’s not that late, but I feel too out of sorts to do anything this evening. I just want to climb into bed and read for a while, anything to get my mind off Jamie and how much I want to call him and tell him I’ve changed my mind about that offer of a date.
Chapter 15
Jamie
Discouraged and bereft, I head back to my apartment wondering what the hell happened today. It’s all my fault. Just as we were growing closer, I jumped the gun and kissed her. I shouldn’t have done that. Now she’s running in the opposite direction.
When I get back to my own apartment, I remove Gus’s harness and hang it on its designated hook by the door. Gus shakes, then runs off to do God knows what. I grab a bottle of beer from the fridge and crash on the living room sofa, propping my boots up on the coffee table. I grab my voice-activated remote control. “TV on. Play ESPN.”