She nodded. That much she’d known from the start. It amazed her how one tiny slip in her people-reading ability had turned into such a fiasco. If she believed Pat—and she did, because she knew he was right—she hadn’t misjudged Adam, but she had been very wrong about Bryce. If she had only seen what he was really after, maybe she could have gotten out before everything exploded. Following that logic, she truly regretted her blindness, because despite everything Adam had put her through, the part of her that still remembered Adam as he had been was glad she’d met him. When he’d been her friend, she’d thoroughly enjoyed his company. His easy laugh was infectious and the never-ending stream of jokes had often made her sides hurt.
“You know, June thought Adam was okay, but she never really liked Bryce. I’m beginning to think I should have listened to her.”
“Hindsight is twenty-twenty. But, out of curiosity, why didn’t you take her advice?”
“June is good at reading people, don’t get me wrong, and she’s usually right, but she’s missed out on a lot of fun because of it. I had a good time with Bryce and Adam, in the beginning.”
Aelissm set the table and, as she and Pat sat down to eat breakfast, she knew that something had changed. It was easier to dissect her relationship with Bryce and with Adam and approach it with a calm, rational mind.
“Okay, we’ve covered Adam. What about Bryce?”
“I was dumb enough to think his pretty-boy exterior was a reflection of what was on the inside. I admit that I was a complete idiot. I grew up with very little extra money to blow on ridiculous things like jewelry and flowers, so I was dazzled. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t something special he was doing just for me. No, he spoiled all his girlfriends, only I didn’t know that.”
“It’s an easy trap to fall into.”
“You sound like you know it well.”
“Better than I’d like.” Pat looked down at his plate. “Don’t let me interrupt.”
Aelissm hesitated. She wanted to know of this mysterious past Pat hinted at, but she didn’t want to stop her own train of thought, fearing that it might permanently derail. She was making progress and she didn’t want to ruin it. “You’re sneaky, Mr. O’Neil, but all right. Back to Bryce. Had it not been for the fact that I’m a little stubborn—”
“A little?”
“Oh, hush up. Anyhow…. It turns out that Bryce wasn’t made of gold, like I’d thought. Just gold-plated with low-grade tin underneath and just like every other asshole who has tried—and failed—to get in my pants.”
“You’re a virgin?”
“Don’t sound so shocked, Pat.”
A strange expression twisted Pat’s face, one that Aeli couldn’t put a name to. She didn’t know if he was amused or surprised, pleased or disgusted.
“I’m not shocked. Not really,” he said at last. “Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Well, if Bryce had had his way, I wouldn’t still be.”
“Bill told me he tried to rape you.”
Putting it into words made her squirm a bit in her seat. Nightmares and her own dark memories of that night were one thing, but they were private distractions of her mind. To hear it vocalized by another person was something different. Somehow, it made it more real again. The time between then and now had managed to dull the edges of it, but Pat’s innocent comment acted like a whetstone.
“I’m sorry, Aelissm, I didn’t mean—”
“It’s all right, Pat. It’s not your fault. You know, if it hadn’t been for Adam…. I still dream about it. All of it. Sometimes, I can still feel Bryce’s hands….” She shuddered. “Then I see Adam wrap his hands around Bryce’s throat and just…. And I was grateful because he saved me. And then I have dreams about the night a few months later when he cornered me.”
“There’s more than what you told me last night, isn’t there?”
“He told me that I owe him.” Aelissm set her fork down after realizing she was shaking. “Is it true? Do I owe him?”
“It was Adam’s choice to do what he did. You don’t owe him a damned thing.”
Aelissm considered his words for a long time while they ate. She hadn’t asked Bryce to assault her, nor asked Adam to save her.
“You know what? You’re right,” she announced as she set her plate in the sink. “ I didn’t do anything wrong, except make a bad decision in my love life, which doesn’t justify the way I’ve been living. I don’t owe either of them anything. Not for that. It’s time I start acting like it. ”
Pat’s expression was one of profound pride. She washed her plate, distracted by a memory of the time before her father had installed the hot water heater. Doing the dishes had taken much longer then, having to wait for the water to heat up on the stove—either the cooking stove or the woodstove or both. She gazed contentedly out the window above the sink and noted that parts of the forest floor were clear of snow. There were several patches lingering where the landscape was shaded all day from the prying sunlight, but what had been white only a few weeks ago was today softened with delicate, vibrant alpine grass. Movement caught her eye and she watched the little chipmunk scurry down a tree trunk near the outhouse. She’d have to put out some peanuts and sunflower seeds for them today. Maybe she would, after she finished the dishes and brought in some more wood for the fire.
When Aelissm had finished her first chore, she opened the back door and smirked as her gaze landed on the pile of tired snow.
“Give me a hand bringing in a couple more logs,” she called over her shoulder.
“Gimme a second to finish eating,” Pat replied.
The screen door slammed behind her, but she didn’t flinch. The snow was more ice now, hard little crystals that didn’t pack well, but it’d still do the trick. She dug her fingers into it, curling them around a fistful, oddly soothed by the cold bite of it. In her mind, she likened the snow to the frigid, fearful existence she’d been lost in and pictured both melting away in tiny, shimmering streams beneath a blazing mountain sun. Of course… she could help the process along.
Finally, as her fingers began to numb, the back door swung open. Aeli hurled her snowball and crowed with laughter as it exploded against Pat’s chest. For a moment, he stared at her with his mouth hanging open and his arms and hands loosely outstretched in silent inquiry.
“What was that for?” he sputtered.
Aelissm replied with another snowball.
“All right, little missy, you asked for it!”
With a swiftness her laughter-weakened body couldn’t escape, Pat leapt to her side, swept her off her feet and deposited her unceremoniously atop the snowdrift. Giggling uncontrollably now, Aelissm could only squeal in delighted outrage as he pinned her and dumped an armload of snow on her head. Her sides and face ached, but never had she felt a more pleasurable pain. Something really had given way, like a logjam in a stream swollen by spring run-off, and the joy of freedom rushed through her as torrential and cleansing as the rain of a summer thunderstorm. She couldn’t seem to stop the laughter or the resulting tears that streamed from her eyes and she didn’t want to. It was so good to laugh like this again.
If Aelissm thought she’d seen Pat smile before, it was nothing compared to the expression he wore now. The most incredible, beautiful grin parted his lips and for the first time in her presence, it ignited his eyes with emotions and passions she too felt. There was happiness and release, innocence and youth. And there was desire and something else Aelissm was both frightened and hungry to name. There was love in his gaze as well, though whether it came from romantic or platonic origins, she couldn’t say. And right now, it didn’t matter.
Breathless from the intoxicating mixture of unbridled happiness and the closeness of such a gentle, incredible man, Aelissm sagged back into the embrace of the snow and beamed at Pat. It felt as though the past year had never happened and Aelissm was drunk on the sensation. She hadn’t been this giddy in a long time. Not even when Bryce had asked her to marry him.
/>
“That should have been my first clue,” she murmured.
“What’s that?” Pat asked, rising to his feet. He offered her a hand up.
“All the women in my mother’s smut books were always giddy when their hero proposed. When Bryce asked me to marry him, I wasn’t.”
Aelissm slipped her hand into Pat’s and was hauled to her feet. She brushed the snow from his robe before she attended to her own, noticing with a flutter of her heart how his pupils dilated. When Bryce had proposed, a moment that should have sent shivers of thrill up her spine, there hadn’t even been a second when her heart did anything out of the ordinary. No, that moment was nothing compared to this and all Pat had done was throw her down in the snow and pile a couple handfuls of ice crystals in her hair. There was no promise of anything beyond the here and now and no facades to maintain. She and Pat were simply being themselves and nothing could have been more perfect.
Chapter Eight
“WELL, I HOPE you don’t mind getting your hands dirty, Mr. O’Neil, since it’s your fault we have to cook tonight,” Aelissm remarked playfully as she dropped her shoulder and let her pack slide to the floor beside the inner front door of her cabin. “I wonder if June let you borrow her camera because she knew it’d slow us up. You must have taken enough pictures with that thing to fill two shoe boxes, Pat.”
He shrugged and dropped his pack beside hers. “Better two shoe boxes to help me remember Northstar than none.”
Aelissm pointedly ignored his remark and plopped on one of the couches to pull her hiking boots and socks off her tired feet. With a happy sigh at again being barefoot, she wiggled her toes and sank back against the couch. There was little else in the world as relaxing as a hike up to one of the alpine lakes on a day as stunningly clear and perfectly warm as this. Being in the company of good friends only made it better, she mused, recalling the snowball fight of girls against boys that she and June had won. Poor Pat had been half-drenched by the time he and Luke had finally called their surrender. Luke had fared better, hiding behind Pat.
She really wasn’t angry that she and Pat had lost the half-hearted race up to Baldy Lake, but it was fun to tease him about it. If he hadn’t stopped so often to take pictures, June and Luke might not have snuck ahead of them and beat them to the lake. It was just as well, she thought, since she’d already taken hamburger out for dinner. A smile danced over her face as she closed her eyes and pictured the tiny lake above the Hammond spread, glittering like a pristine sapphire beneath the grinning sun. Baldy Lake wasn’t her favorite, but it was an easy hike and a good start to the summer… even if the season was still weeks away.
After a few moments of rest, she bounced to her feet with an energy that surprised her. She could feel Pat’s eyes on her as she sauntered into the kitchen and she was all too aware of the heat of him when he joined her beside the snack bar. Pretending to ignore him, she turned her attention momentarily to the small stereo on the counter. She’d left a CD in it from yesterday. With a smile of wicked mischief, she hit play and selected a sexy, upbeat country song. Cranking the volume, she turned away and opened the refrigerator door, feeling quite playful, but still shy enough that she didn’t act on the wanton impulses flooding her veins.
“So, what are we making for dinner?” Pat asked.
“I thought either spaghetti or tacos. You know, I’m starting to think you’re not as acclimated as you want me to believe,” Aeli remarked as she rummaged through the fridge. “I mean, we stopped so often for you to take pictures, you couldn’t have lost your breath.”
“Give an old man a break, Aeli. And I am more acclimated than you think.”
“Oh, yeah? Prove it.” With a fleeting thought to caution, she swiveled around to face him. Ah, to hell with it.
Standing on her toes, she reached up and dragged his mouth down to hers, giving in to the flash-fire desire. Pat stumbled backwards, colliding with the counter. Aelissm curled her fingers around fistfuls of his thick, richly colored hair, claiming him more thoroughly than she would have thought herself capable. Waves of heat fanned through her and any thoughts outside of the moment were lost in the hungry contact with this startlingly passionate man. Pat’s hands grasped her face, his fingers stroking her cheeks and jaw line with desperate intensity. Aelissm arched against him, pleading for more and his hands obeyed, stroking down her neck and back to settle firmly on her hips.
Aelissm’s deft fingers sought the buttons of his shirt, peeling the soft material back over his shoulders with confidence. She released his mouth to concentrate on his strong neck, raking her teeth over firm muscle and following gently with her lips, then moved down toward his chest. Pat wrapped powerful hands around her upper arms and pushed her away. Confused, her gaze sought his eyes, and she stepped back as if she’d been slapped. His eyes were hazed by desire but anger and fear flared like gasoline on a bonfire beneath the fog. He turned away and tugged his shirt back in place, but not before she caught sight of a thick white scar just below his collarbone.
“Pat?” she asked hesitantly.
“Leave me alone, Aelissm. Just give me a minute.”
She did as he asked with confusion quickly giving way to fury. She folded her arms tightly across her chest and waited for Pat to speak while her mind darkened with thoughts of rejection and the bitterness of unquenched desire.
“What the hell, Pat?” she asked after several moments passed in tense silence. “What did I do wrong? Seems like you were enjoying it to me.”
“Dammit, Aelissm,” Pat said. “Neither of us is ready for this.”
“Oh, really?” Impulsively, she massaged his inner thigh, pleased to find him aroused. “Your body says differently.”
Memories swam in his eyes and the color drained from his face. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Abruptly, Aelissm snatched her hand back, her eyes wide as she Pat slid to the floor. With his knees drawn up and his head resting back against the cupboards, he didn’t look at all like the smiling, patient man he’d been only minutes ago. Instead, he looked old and worn out, tormented by memories she couldn’t begin to understand. Memories she had somehow provoked.
“Pat, I’m sorry. What did I do?”
“Nothing, Aeli,” he replied without opening his eyes. His voice was strained. Weary. “It’s not your fault. But I need to be alone for a few minutes. Why don’t you go on over to June’s for a bit and I’ll cook dinner?”
She nodded, but couldn’t find her voice to answer. After stuffing her poor feet back into her socks and boots, she spared Pat another glance before she left. His eyes were still closed and the muscles in his jaw flexed. She wanted to coax him out of it, but she didn’t know what she could do. She’d brought it on. It was no wonder he didn’t want to be around her for a little while. She pulled the back door open and stepped through it, then carefully released the screen door so it wouldn’t slam. With tears burning in her eyes, she traversed the steep terrain between her cabin and June’s, stepping over the rocks and fallen logs out of habit more than conscious thought. What had she done to make Pat break down like that? Why had he pushed her away when his body so obviously wanted to give in to the desire that had been building between them for weeks? Aelissm tried to work the knots out of the tangled mess that was her mind, trying to find some clue as to why he would push her away. Was she not good enough for him? He wouldn’t be the first man to find her lacking.
Damn it, I’m not going to cry, she thought stubbornly as she wiped beneath her eyes with her thumb.
She was suddenly aware that she was standing on June’s back deck and that her knuckles ached sharply from knocking. Her friend stood in the open doorway, smiling.
“Don’t tell me dinner is ready,” June remarked as she stepped aside to let Aelissm enter. “We just took off our boots.”
Aelissm said nothing, just stood there with the back door hanging open.
“Aeli?”
“No, dinner’s not ready yet.”
“What happened? Ada
m didn’t call again, did he?”
“No. It’s not Adam.”
“Then what? Did something happen with Pat?”
Aelissm snorted. “You could say that.”
“Aelissm… what did you do?”
She finally met June’s worried eyes. Her first instinct was to defend herself against her friend’s gentle accusation, but a moment’s hesitation stopped her. June wasn’t really accusing her of doing anything, merely stating the self-assessment that must have been written all over her face. “I don’t know what I did, actually. I kissed him and it was fine at first—great—but then….”
“What happened?”
“He pushed me away.”
June’s brow furrowed as she embraced Aelissm. “It probably has something to do with his last girlfriend. Didn’t Bill say it ended badly with her?”
Aelissm nodded, wondering at her own denseness. Why had she automatically assumed it was something she’d done to make him turn away? Habit. Stupid, self-loathing, and unfounded habit.
“I don’t get it. What happened? It was fine until I started pulling his shirt off.”
June stepped back and her mouth fell open. “Aelissm! You horny little fiend!”
Aeli blushed and looked away, unable to meet her friend’s laughing eyes. She sought the reason why Pat had suddenly stopped enjoying the moment, reviewing the whole scene in her mind again and again until she finally knew.
“He has a scar under his collar bone… left side. Everything was fine until I touched it.”
“Touched it?” June asked with a lifted brow. “May I ask what with?”
Mountain Angel (Northstar Angels, Book One) Page 13