by Stevie Kopas
“You’re fuckin’ crazy.” Veronica was feeling the buzz from the rum and cracked a smile.
Michelle shot up and covered her mouth, mocking surprise. “Who said you could use language like that, young lady?”
Veronica and Michelle doubled over in laughter and continued to drink. Michelle didn’t mind the unexpected company, especially since she was already three sheets to the wind. Veronica needed the release, she needed to laugh and feel free. In that moment she didn’t care that she was getting drunk with a sociopath and a group of dead people, she simply appreciated that for the first time in what felt like forever, she was getting to act like a stupid teenager.
***
Hours had passed, the bottle was empty, and night fell upon them. The breezeway darkened and Veronica relaxed against the cool glass behind her, closing her eyes. Her head spun and it felt like the earth was flying out of orbit. Michelle stood up, stumbling slightly.
“Where are you going?” Veronica slurred, her eyes still closed.
“I’ve gotta see a man about some sex, or… I think that’s how that phrase goes.”
Veronica giggled, “You’re gross.”
“Sleep it off, kiddo.” Michelle called out over her shoulder but Veronica said nothing in response. She was already passed out.
Michelle drunkenly stumbled her way, as she always did, up to Gary’s condo. When she emerged from the stairwell onto the twenty-fourth floor, she welcomed the cool December air with a sigh. She stretched her long frame and approached Gary’s front door, placing her ear up to the cold surface to determine whether or not any of the others were there. When the silence finally satisfied her, she let herself in and crept her way to his bedroom. The door was open slightly and the light of a lantern leaked out through the crack into the hallway. She removed her clothes and let them drop to her feet. She slinked into his bedroom and shut the door behind her, her back against the door.
Gary looked up from his book. “You’re early tonight.” He tossed the book to the side and sat up, admiring her gorgeous body.
She pulled her hair from its bun and posed seductively to unclasp her bra, casting it behind her.
They giggled like children as she crawled across the bed in her panties and slid under the blanket beside him. Gary and Michelle were lost in one another’s lascivious embrace. Arms and legs entwined, they reached the earth shattering climax they both looked forward to every night and lay panting on their backs.
Michelle rolled toward the nightstand and grabbed a cigarette from the drawer. The smoke curled from her mouth as she looked down at the man she both detested and desired. He gave one of her nipples a playful pinch as she crawled over him and headed for the bathroom to clean up.
She returned to the bed, passing him as he left to take his turn in the washroom. She threw herself onto the comforter and buried her face in the pillow. She thought back on the last twenty-four hours and how this might have been the longest day of her life.
“Andrew and Clyde are leaving.” Gary said from the bathroom.
“Good,” she muttered into the pillow.
“We tried to talk them out of it. Andrew just doesn’t feel like he belongs here anymore, not without Juliette.” Gary climbed into bed beside Michelle, stealing one of her cigarettes.
The familiar goose bumps licked at her naked flesh, but not in response to Gary’s presence; they were once again for the mention of Juliette’s name.
“Yeah? And what’s Clyde’s excuse?” Michelle asked, bringing her face up from the pillow.
“Ah, brothers. Where one goes, the other follows.”
They sat in silence for several minutes before she rolled over onto her back and sighed. “You ever kill anybody, Gary?”
“We’ve all unfortunately killed someone, love. You know that.”
She looked at him, her face serious. “No, I mean. Did you ever kill someone because you wanted to?”
He frowned, glancing over at her. “Why do you ask?”
She smiled coyly. “Just wondering. Doesn’t everybody want to kill somebody? I wouldn’t judge you if you had.”
He leaned over to the bedside table and put out his cigarette. “You know, as much as I love our emotionally devoid love making sessions, you are absolutely mad sometimes.” He clicked off the lantern before laying down beside her.
Michelle smiled in the darkness. “Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus.”
VII
Ben stood quietly and puffed on a cigarette, half inside the condo, half on the balcony. It was beginning to get too cold at night for outside smoking, but Catherine hated the smell and insisted he not do it inside. She was sound asleep and dead to the world in the bedroom, thanks to a self-prescribed cocktail of anxiety pills.
After Veronica had stormed out of the condo earlier that afternoon, Ben wanted so badly to chase after her, to make sure she was alright. But he knew Veronica was strong; it was Catherine who needed him after what Andrew had done. It wasn’t every day that the group pulled guns on each other or assaulted one another. It also wasn’t every day that one of their own committed suicide. It was a lot to take in after two full months of rest and relaxation in the towers. The ugly truth was that the dead world remained dead; the small group of survivors had grown comfortable in their fortress. The sheer lack of day-to-day interaction with the crumbling world had allowed them to shut it out and almost forget that bad things could happen. They weren’t ready for the losing hand today had dealt them.
Ben especially wasn’t ready for Andrew’s sudden desire to leave. He’d tried to talk his friend out of it. He told him that they’d all dealt with loss before, and together, they would deal with this. But Andrew would hear none of it.
“I don’t have a place here anymore, man.” Andrew looked up at Ben with a tear-streaked face. “Not without her. I don’t belong here, not after today.”
“Drew, you’re not going anywhere. This is your home. We will get past this, together, I promise you.” Ben placed a reassuring hand on Andrew’s shoulder.
“No!” Andrew shrugged the hand off and stood up, leaning into Clyde, still woozy from the blow to his head. “This is not my home.” He looked to his brother. “I can’t make you come with me.”
Clyde shook his head, wiping a tear from his eye. “It’s stupid as hell, but where you go, I go.”
The brothers turned to leave and Ben began to protest.
“Let ‘em go, mate. Let ‘em go.” Gary clapped Ben on the back and went to Catherine, helping her to her feet once Andrew and Clyde were gone.
Catherine rushed into Ben’s arms. He held her tightly and kissed the top of her head. “Are you alright?”
She nodded and looked up at him, tears in her eyes. “I’m fine. But Andrew… the pain he’s feeling. I remember that same emptiness when I lost Desmond. We can’t blame him for feeling.”
Ben replayed the afternoon’s events over and over in his mind. He flicked his cigarette off the balcony and slid the door shut; he couldn’t wait for the next morning. He agreed to let it go at Catherine’s request. And he’d also agreed to leave Andrew alone for the night before attempting to talk him out of leaving once more. That was Gary’s master plan. Give the man a night to think on it, give Clyde some time to realize just how stupid leaving was, and they’d come to their senses.
“Otherwise,” Gary had said, “we’ve got to help them on their way. We’re a broken group and we’ve got to go out and try to patch ourselves up.”
Whatever the hell that means, Ben thought as he practically dove headfirst into the bed. He tried to make as much noise as possible to see if Catherine would stir in her sleep, but her light snoring told him to give up. He drifted off and was up again the following morning, feeling like he hadn’t slept a wink. He dressed and rushed out the door, leaving Catherine behind.
Clyde was on the breezeway smoking when Ben walked out.
“I was wonderin’ when you’d show up.” Clyde held out his pack of smokes.
“Yeah, yeah, you know I like my beauty sleep.” Clyde laughed nervously before addressing the elephant in the room. “Look man, he’s my brother. You gotta understand that I can’t let him go out there on his own.”
“I do understand that, Clyde. But what I don’t get is why the fuck he has to leave. Look at this place,” Ben said, making a big sweeping motion with his arms. “Why the hell would you want to leave this for that.” He pointed out over the railing at the disastrous world below them.
“Too much bad juju man, he can’t deal with it. It isn’t like when he lost anybody else. She wasn’t just taken from him, or turned into one of them things out there. She just gave up, dude. He feels like if he stays here, he’s givin’ up too. He won’t accept that this is as good as it’s gonna get these days.”
Ben inhaled deeply on his cigarette, savoring the burn in the back of his throat. He leaned forward on the cold rail and felt his eyes well up with tears.
“Don’t go cryin’ on me. Big pussy, white boy.” Clyde flipped his braids over his shoulder with one hand and wiped his eyes discreetly with another. “My mama used to say ‘All good things, CiCi, all good things.’ I used to think she meant that all good things come to those who wait. But I think we all know what it means now.”
Ben nodded in agreement and looked over at Clyde as he tried to wipe another tear. “Yeah, who’s the big pussy now?” The two men relished in their moment of laughter and friendship, two things that they agreed were hard to come by these days.
Ben finally did understand why Andrew had to leave. He understood that in a way, their façade of safety was giving up. He headed for Veronica’s after Clyde told him he’d grab Andrew and catch up with everyone in a bit.
He knocked on the door softly; usually she was up and about by now. When no one answered he let himself in and the overwhelming, acidic smell of vomit hit him in the face immediately. His stomach turned and he quickly brought his shirt up to his nose. There, half on the couch, lay Veronica. She’d obviously attempted to throw up outside but hadn’t made it in time. Dried vomit streaked down the sliding glass door and all over the carpet. It was all over the front of her shirt, in her hair, and on her shoes.
Ben grabbed a half-empty bottle of water from the coffee table and threw it on her face. She gasped and sat up quickly, groaning and coughing.
“Oh, my God.” She said, groaning when the smell hit her. “I think I’m gonna be sick.” She jumped up from the couch and ran for the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
Ben could hear the obnoxious sounds of dry heaving and retching; he leaned against the wall beside the bathroom. “I’m gonna guess that somehow you got your hands on some alcohol last night?” he called to her through the closed door. He heard the splashing of water and the door finally opened.
“I think I’m gonna switch condos, it smells terrible in here. There’s plenty to go ‘round.” She rubbed her temples with both hands.
“Where’d you get the booze?” Ben realized after the words had come out of his mouth that he sounded like an angry parent.
Veronica shrugged. “I don’t know, I found it.” She snapped, rolling her eyes as she returned to the bathroom to gather some things. “Don’t worry about it. Just leave me be; I need to take a bath. Preferably somewhere that doesn’t stink.” Her head was pounding, and from the moment Ben had splashed that water into her face, she regretted drinking that Malibu with Michelle. She didn’t even remember coming back to her room. All she knew was that she needed a bath, and Ben needed to leave her alone. She had no idea the impending departure of two of their own. She had no idea, and honestly didn’t care, how Ben was feeling in that moment.
He grabbed her by the arm as she passed. “Hey, I’m sorry. Yesterday was one fucked up day. I’m just looking out for you.”
“Yeah, well don’t.” She pulled away from him. “I’ll be at Gary’s.”
His heart sunk as he watched her leave the foul smelling condominium. The group really did seem to be broken.
VIII
The crumbled group sat in Gary’s living room waiting on breakfast. They’d all grown to love the smell of powdered eggs, canned meat, and instant coffee. Every once in a while, a couple of packets of oatmeal were thrown into the mix and they ate like kings. Gary returned from the balcony and served up the delicious meal to the salivating mouths.
“Can you pass the salt, please?” Catherine asked Andrew. She gave him a smile and a nod, letting him know she had moved on from yesterday’s attack. He managed a smile and slid her the salt across the dining table. He kept to himself while he ate his breakfast, patiently waiting for everyone to finish. They mindlessly chatted back and forth but he knew everyone was just delaying the inevitable.
While everyone shoveled food into their mouths, Michelle pretended to be distracted by her nails on the couch, busily filing, and picking at an expired granola bar. She normally did not join the group for breakfast, but she wouldn’t miss Andrew and Clyde’s official departure announcement for the world.
Veronica finally joined with a towel in her hair after a much needed bath.
“You hungry, love?” Gary asked her, a plate stretched out in her direction.
She shook her head up and down, “Oh yeah.” She greedily snatched the plate from Gary and it elicited a hearty laugh from him.
“I remember the first time that I—“
Ben cut Gary off with a look that said, “Don’t even bring up the drinking.”
“Ah, I guess I don’t remember it as well as I thought.” Gary gave Ben a nod and Veronica a wink. All the while Michelle tried to hide her smirk as she continued to file.
The seemingly endless charade of a family-style breakfast finally rolled around to a good stopping point. Their bellies full and the mood lightened, Andrew stood up.
“I know an apology will never do me justice, especially for you, Catherine. But I am sorry. I’m sorry for turnin’ on ya’ll like that. I realize now that none of it would have brought her back. None of that yellin’ or any harm I could do to any of you would make her death any easier to deal with. Please forgive me.” He bowed his head in shame and continued. “I’ve made my decision to leave this group not because of Juliette’s death or my actions yesterday, but because I can’t sit here like this anymore. I feel like all I’m doing is delaying the inevitable. We’re all gonna die one day, whether it be from natural causes or from them dead things runnin’ around out there, but it’s gonna happen, and I want to feel like I did my part in finding something more before it does. We shut ourselves away in here and acted like everything was back to normal. Everything is one hundred percent not normal in here, people.”
He elevated his voice slightly, a stern tone taking over.
“What happened to taking the city back, Gary? What happened to rebuilding and going out there and finding more survivors?” Andrew looked to him with imploring eyes.
Gary opened his mouth to speak but found no words.
“Nothing happened, that’s what. We locked the doors to Emerald City and we kept all this for ourselves. Hundreds of homes for displaced people, just like us, but we keepin’ it quiet for our selfish group of seven? I can’t do it anymore. I deserved her death because I ain’t been a good person. I gotta make that right.”
Ben stood up suddenly and leaned across the table, pointing at Andrew. “You feel like shit and somehow your penance is roaming a wasteland with your fuckin’ brother looking for some sort of salvation? Fuck you, man. If this is some bullshit about God then go get on your knees and say a prayer to the man in the sky. Go say a prayer to the same God that brought the dead back to life to kill everybody any of us ever gave a shit about.” He glared at Andrew.
“Maybe it is some bullshit about God but you know what, at least I believe in God. At least I have that. What the fuck you believe in? Huh?” Andrew fold
ed his arms across his broad chest and shook his head. “I’m makin’ my soul right, man. When my time comes, I know I won’t be cursed to walk around the earth feeding on the flesh of my fellow man. I will make my peace long before then and I will be gone from this hell, embraced in the arms of my Lord.”
Ben doubled over with laughter and shot a vicious look at the man, “When did you become so self-righteous, dude?”
Andrew refused to respond and instead looked away.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Go make your fuckin’ peace, dude. Just get it over with and get outta here. I’m sick of talkin’ to a ghost.”
Ben abruptly left the table and retreated to the balcony. The silence in the room was unbearable. Michelle cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows, glancing at Gary. Gary raised his eyebrows and sighed, turning to Andrew. “I respect your decision, I really do.” Andrew nodded and sat back down at the table.
Gary leaned forward and continued, “I also respect you pointing out that I did at one point have a plan. A plan I was so sure of.” His voice trailed off as he seemed to fight back tears. “But people died and I no longer saw that plan as an option. I was afraid. Afraid of losing anyone else. What we’ve got here is solid, and I made sure we stayed here, shut away and safe.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “But you’re right. This is simply delaying the inevitable. I know I can’t convince you to stay, so I’ll see you off.”
Michelle dropped her nail file in shock as the words left Gary’s mouth.
“We’ll take one of the armored cars and I’ll drop you by the car dealership, see you on your way. I’ll start looking for other survivors and scavenge the area, replenish our supplies.”
“I’m going too.” Catherine stood up and flashed another kind smile. “It’s what Desmond would have done. He wouldn’t have sat in here like this, either.”