by Barbara Gee
“It was my pleasure. You two are going to be fine, you know.”
He nodded. “It won’t be all smooth sailing, but we’ll get there. I suppose I should start looking for a house.”
“Here in Chandler?”
“Probably. I need to have a long talk with Olivia and see how things are going at the police department. See if it’s something I want to dive back into.”
“If you need to kill some more time before going back, there’s always a place for you on the Full Heart. Hank would love it there.” Libby checked the time on her phone, then put her half empty mug in the sink and grabbed the travel one. “I’d better get on the road.”
He picked up her suitcase and walked outside with her, loading it into the rental car’s trunk. She stood by the driver’s door, fiddling with her handbag. For a moment they stood facing each other, not knowing what to say. He wanted to tell her how much he admired her, how much she had come to mean to him, how much he’d enjoyed her sunny presence in his life during the last couple of weeks, but he didn’t. It would only make letting go harder, and it was already unbelievably difficult. This woman had weaseled her way further into his heart that he’d thought, and he wasn’t quite sure how he was going to handle that.
“I’ll let you know when I’m back at the ranch,” she said finally.
He opened his arms and she walked into them, holding him tight, her face pressed against his chest. For a long time they just held each other. There was plenty he could have said, but nothing that would make things any easier. He knew he’d spend a lot of time searching his heart, thinking about the things she had said the night before.
Even if he concluded that he was capable of a long term relationship after all, it wouldn’t do any good. In her own words, he wasn’t what she needed. A part of him resented the hard and fast requirement that the man in her life had to share her faith, but an equal part of him understood it, admired it even. It was obvious Libby had made big changes in her life, and if her newfound faith in God was what she needed to love herself and be happy, who was he to question it? She was one of the best people he knew, and he didn’t want her to change, not even for him.
“Safe travels, baby.” He framed her face with his hands and dropped a quick, hard kiss on her perfect lips. Then he stepped back and watched her get in the car and drive away.
***
Libby was pretty sure crying while driving wasn’t any safer than texting and driving, so she fought her tears, only having to wipe her eyes occasionally during the hour long drive to the airport. Leaving Ryan and Hank was heart wrenching and she needed Maddy and Kay like she’d never needed them before. She tried to think of this trip as going home, to her brother and her friends, rather than leaving behind the man she was falling in love with. Him and his dear little boy. It seemed to help a little bit to look at it that way.
Eight endless hours later she got off the plane in Grand Forks. Maddy met her in baggage claim and Libby hugged her friend gratefully. “Thanks for coming to get me,” she said, giving an exaggerated yawn. “I’m completely exhausted. I hope you don’t mind if I sleep the whole way back to the ranch.”
Maddy chuckled. “Not gonna happen, my friend. The only benefit of me driving all this way to pick you up is having you to myself on the way home. I want details, and plenty of them.”
Libby chuckled. Teasing her nosy friend had been irresistible, but Maddy wasn’t having any of it. Good thing Libby really wasn’t feeling tired, and was more than ready to bare her soul to Maddy.
“You might regret asking for that,” she warned. “And don’t expect to get a word in edgewise, because I have a lot to tell you.”
They got into Maddy’s car and Libby took out her phone. “Look at this picture and tell me if you’ve ever seen anything more beautiful and heart wrenching.”
Maddy took the phone, her eyes going wide when she saw the photo of Ryan holding Hank. “Oh my gosh, Libby, he’s the spitting image of his daddy! What an adorable child. How’s he doing? How did he react to Ryan?”
“Better than I expected. It took him a couple days to start feeling comfortable, but he’d been through so much. He was so scared of being rejected again. But it’s coming. There’s already a bond between the two of them.” Libby got the phone back and stared at the photo. “I miss them so much already, Maddy.”
“Was it a mistake to go?”
“Not as far as little Hank is concerned. We hit it off right from the beginning. He’d been treated badly by Anthony, and he warmed to me quicker than he did to Ryan. Just like Patrick thought he would.”
“But as far as you’re concerned?”
Libby swallowed as she pressed a fist to her heart and met her friend’s gaze. “It hurts,” she said softly. And then she started at the beginning.
***
“So what happens now?” Maddy asked when Libby finally fell silent.
Libby shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Why?”
“Because Ryan isn’t right for me.”
“Are you sure, Lib? Are you totally sure there’s no hope?”
“Pretty sure. I can’t force Ryan to turn to God, and he doesn’t feel compelled to do it. I didn’t tell you this, but I talked to Pastor Keller before I left for North Carolina. I knew it was going to be hard for me to be with Ryan day after day, and I wanted to hear his perspective. He basically confirmed everything I already knew. He told me that my decision to follow Christ is the most important one I’ll ever make, and choosing a man who shares my faith is the next most important. And Ryan isn’t that man, it’s as simple as that. If I choose to be with him, we’ll just end up being torn apart, because what’s most important to me isn’t to him.”
“I know you’re right, but I can hardly stand it. He’s so perfect for you in every other way.”
“It’s not only the faith thing. Ryan isn’t in the market for a long term relationship, either, which makes not one, but two insurmountable obstacles. So that’s that, it’s over even though it never really started. But I honestly don’t regret going. They needed me, and I feel like I made a difference. That makes it all worth it.” Libby sighed and relaxed back against the seat, watching the North Dakota landscape whiz by. “But I’m not sure I’ll ever recover the piece of my heart I left there.”
Maddy squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry, Lib. So sorry.”
“I’ll be okay. I just need some time.”
“Well I hope keeping busy will help, because there are some pretty amazing piles on your desk. I did what I could, but we need you. I hope you know how vital you are to the retreat project. We’ve come so far, but still have so much to do, and it would be impossible without you.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll welcome being busy, and I’m more committed to the center than ever. Our debt to the members of our military is so huge.” Libby hadn’t told Maddy about Ryan’s very personal issues, the ones left over from his time in the Army, but hearing his story had definitely made a huge impact on her.
Maddy slowed and turned onto the familiar lane of the ranch. “Home again, home again, jiggity jig,” she said.
“Feels good.” Libby sighed. This place had been a refuge for her before, and it would be again. And maybe, just maybe, the emptiness she felt now would eventually fill back up.
CHAPTER 21
The first week with Hank went by quickly. The little boy was getting good at catching and throwing a football, thanks to many hours spent in the park, and he was slowly getting to know Chandler. Ryan had also taken him to look at a few houses for sale. A couple of them had ticked all the boxes, and yet Ryan wasn’t feeling it. He wasn’t ready to commit, even though he wanted to make a decision soon. Olivia kept reassuring him that he could rent Kevin’s house for as long as he wanted, but Ryan didn’t want them to lose any chances to sell it because he was causing a delay in getting it on the market.
He also found himself getting restless. Even though he and Hank were keeping relatively busy, Ryan was itching t
o get back to some kind of work. He’d worked since he was fourteen, and while he was glad to have had this extra time to help Hank get settled in with him, it didn’t feel right to not head to a job every day.
He knew he needed to make a decision about whether to return to the police department, so on Saturday morning, a week after Libby had gone home, he called Olivia and arranged to get together with her and Kevin the following evening. She was eager to meet Hank, so it was an easy sell. She even offered to pick up dinner on their way over—some things never changed.
Unsurprisingly, Olivia fell in love with Hank immediately. Although he was initially shy when the two strangers showed up for dinner, he gradually relaxed and began to interact more. After they finished eating, Kevin challenged Hank to a game of Sorry so Olivia and Ryan could talk shop.
Olivia reported that the situation was already bad at the station, and getting steadily worse as the new chief foundered. He wasn’t a leader, and he wasn’t a communicator. He was a talented cop, but being chief took much more than that. Every person at the station knew Noah wasn’t the man for the job, but the powers that be stubbornly insisted he needed more than a month to establish himself, and they said they didn’t plan to re-evaluate until at least three or four more months had passed.
“As much as I want you back, Ry, I don’t know if it can work. Noah will drive you stark raving mad within a week. He’s trying, he really is, but it’s just not there for him. I think his council-woman sister and his family are really pressuring him to make the most of this opportunity, so he’s not willing to step aside or even ask for help. It might get to that point, because he’s getting a ton of push-back from the force, but right now he has his heels dug in.”
Ryan rubbed his jaw. “I still have two months of leave left, but to be honest, not working isn’t sitting so well with me and I was thinking about coming back early. After hearing your take on things, though, I’m not sure what to do.”
“Why not go back out to that ranch? Spend another two months building or whatever you were doing, and by then we should know how things are going to shake out here.”
He nodded. “I’ve thought about that. A lot actually. But it’s a little complicated.”
Olivia’s eyes lit up as she sensed a story she hadn’t heard. “What’s complicated about it? I’m sure Hank would love living on a real life ranch for a while. Doesn’t your buddy want you to come back?”
“I’m sure he’d love it. He’s so swamped with his job and the building project he can hardly see straight. It was awesome being out there to take some of the load off him.”
“So?” Olivia prompted. “The problem is?”
Ryan looked a little sheepish. “There’s this girl,” he said, stopping there because he knew Olivia would jump all over him.
“Oh my gosh, Ryan, did you just say there’s a girl?” Her eyes were huge. “I didn’t think I’d ever hear those words come out of your mouth. Is it the one who came here with you? If it is, I’m never going to forgive you for not inviting me over sooner so I could meet her before she left. As your best friend, you should have sought out my opinion!”
“There was no reason to, because it’s not going to go anywhere, for various reasons. We’ve both accepted that. It’s just that there’s a real strong attraction there, and it might be a little awkward if I go back out there and we find ourselves spending a lot of time together again.”
“Why isn’t it going anywhere? Because of the distance?”
Ryan shook his head. “No. There are multiple reasons, one of them being that I’m not at a point where I can consider changing my ways and thinking about a girl long term. I have Hank now and he has to be my priority. And I have to figure out what comes next career wise. Not a great time to add a woman to the mix. Although I will say, if I was at that point, she would be the one. If she would have me. Which she won’t.”
Olivia laughed wryly. “Sure she won’t, Ryan. I don’t think there’s a single girl in the country who wouldn’t have you, given the chance.”
“Oh yes there is. Her name is Libby.”
“She must not be very bright,” Olivia said, obviously a little peeved that her friend had been rejected by the first girl to hold his interest for more than a day.
“She’s extremely bright.” Ryan said, getting to his feet. “But Libby isn’t the reason I wanted to talk to you.”
“Well it sort of is, since she’s affecting your decision about whether to come back to work or go back out west again. You wanted to talk to me about what you should do next, so I’d say they’re related.”
“And I’d say you’re still not going to get details, so stop fishing.”
Olivia grinned. “It’s just that I’ve never had the chance to tease you about a girl, Ry.”
“Back to our initial subject. If I do decide to go back to work, how is that going to affect Hank? I’m worried about that part of it.”
“You’d have to find a good daycare, I guess. Or get a babysitter to come to your house.”
Ryan frowned and shook his head. “I don’t know if he’s ready for either one of those options. He’s had so many changes already.”
“But your own needs are important, too,” Olivia said.
“Yeah, but I can wait a couple more months to go back to work, if that’s what’s best for Hank. It’s not that I don’t like spending time with him. I love him more than I can say, and getting to know him has been great. It’s just an adjustment for me to be home every day.”
Olivia made an exaggerated thinking expression. “Hmmm, how could we solve this problem. Oh, I know! How about you take him to a really cool ranch where you can work and he can play, and you can be together, too?”
Ryan smiled in spite of his exasperation. “I don’t know why I thought you would be of any help.”
She was undeterred. “It might be worth the awkwardness, Ry. It would certainly solve your issue with cabin fever. And it could be great for Hank.”
“Maybe.” Ryan looked out into the living room, where his son was sitting cross-legged on the floor, concentrating on the Sorry board. “I’ll think about it.”
Olivia stood up and gave him an appraising look, her hands on her hips. “You want to go back, Ry. I can tell. I think you invited me over here because you knew I’d tell you to go and somehow that makes it more okay than you just deciding on your own.”
He folded his arms, thinking hard about what she said. Finally he gave her a reluctant, admiring nod. “I honestly didn’t realize it, but I think you might be right.”
“Of course I am.” Her victorious smile soon faded and a look of concern took its place. “She really got to you, huh?”
“She did,” he admitted. “She’s an amazing person. Smart, beautiful, funny, strong, sweet, kind. I could go on, but you get the picture.”
“You’re all those things, too, Ry. Sounds to me like a match made in heaven.”
He winced. “Interesting choice of words. But I said I’ll think about it, and I will. In the meantime, Hank’s grandparents want him to come spend a couple days with them next week. Since Anthony is still locked up for attempted murder and arson, in addition to all the lesser charges, I guess there’s no reason I can’t let Hank out of my sight for a little while. Although it does make me nervous. We’ve been together 24/7 for almost two weeks, and not having him here for a night or two would feel strange.”
“Don’t smother him. If he wants to go, let him. I’d say it’s a positive sign if he’s okay with leaving you for a little while. It wouldn’t be healthy for him to get so accustomed to being with you that he panics when you’re separated.”
Ryan nodded thoughtfully. “Thanks, Olivia. I really needed a sounding board tonight, and you’re the best. Always have been.”
“And don’t you forget it. I’m the best sounding board a guy could have.”
That made Ryan smile. “Sounds like an epitaph.”
“What?”
“Sorry, inside joke,” he sai
d. “Let’s go see how Kevin and Hank are doing.”
His friend’s eyes sparkled wickedly. “Would I be interfering too much if I asked Hank whether he’d like to go hang out at a big ole ranch for a month or two?”
“Uh, yeah. You would. Keep your lips zipped.”
“Yes sir, Detective.” Olivia walked into the living room. “Hey, there, Hank. How about you tell me all about that girl who was staying here with you guys for a while.”
Hank’s face lit up. “You mean Libby?”
Olivia gave Ryan a victorious smile. “Yeah, that’s her, Libby. Think you can tell me what she’s like, since I didn’t have a chance to meet her?”
Hank was only too eager to oblige. Ryan shook his head at his devious friend and listened as his little boy sang Libby’s praises. There wasn’t a single thing he said that Ryan didn’t agree with.
***
Five days later, Ryan was at Hank’s grandparents, preparing to leave his son there for two nights.
“Thank you so much for letting him come,” Louise said, squeezing Ryan’s arm. “I know you said we could see him whenever we wanted, but we weren’t sure if you totally meant it.”
“He wanted to come. He was a little nervous about leaving me, I think he’s still afraid I’m going to disappear, but his desire to see you two triumphed. It’s important for you to know how much you mean to him.”
“We’ll take good care of him,” Byron said, watching proudly as Hank rolled his wheeled suitcase down the hall to the bedroom he had always used when he came to visit before Eve died.
“I know you will. I’ll pick him up before lunchtime, day after tomorrow.”
“See you then,” Louise said. “Thanks again, Ryan.”
Ryan left their home and got in his truck. Instead of feeling free, he felt alone. He’d gotten used to his little side-kick, that was for sure. He thought about texting Libby to tell her Hank was taking the big step of leaving him to stay with Byron and Louise for two nights, but their texts had been few and far between, and he thought maybe that was how she wanted it.