by Barbara Gee
“I don’t mind,” he said softly. “Your hands feel good on me. Makes me wish I had a few more tats after all.”
She swallowed hard. “Okay, well, you should probably go now.”
He gave her a slow smile and nodded. “Good night, Libby Belle.”
When he got to the door, she stopped him. “Wait a second, Ryan.” He turned around and waited, looking so handsome it hurt. Libby’s heart pounded and it was all she could do to keep the distance between them. “Can I ask you one more thing?”
“Sure.”
She cleared her throat. “Um, I know you’re aware of how attracted I am to you,” she said quietly. “So, why haven’t you pushed me physically?”
His smile was warm and gentle. “Because you’d regret it. I’ll never do anything to make you feel cheap, Libby.”
She knew he was referring to what had happened in that long ago parking lot, and her eyes filled with gratitude. “I appreciate that, Ry.”
He nodded and opened the door. Before he went out, he propped his elbow on the edge of the door and looked over his shoulder, a gleam entering his eyes and his smile growing bold.
“I’d prefer to wait until all your reservations are gone and the only thing on your mind afterward is how soon we can do it all again.”
Her jaw dropped, and then she couldn’t help it, she laughed. “Oh my word, Ryan. Go.”
He left and she fell back on her unmade bed, putting an arm over her eyes. The man could be unbelievably considerate and caring, and also teasing and arrogant, all at the same time. He was so strong and sure of himself, and yet he put her well-being ahead of his own desires. She loved that about him.
I’ll never make you feel cheap. She held those words close to her heart. He made her feel worthy and valued, even knowing what she had done at her lowest moment. He really was incredible. And he really was off limits, she couldn’t afford to forget that.
CHAPTER 30
Ryan and Hank went along to church the next morning, and when the younger children were dismissed after the singing portion of the service, Hank showed no hesitation in leaving Ryan and going with Kay to the basement.
Pastor Keller, bless him, had chosen to preach on Libby’s very favorite topic—grace and the gift of salvation. Ryan was seated beside her, and although they weren’t touching, she could feel his tension. Unfortunately she couldn’t tell whether it was a good, ‘intensely listening’ kind of tension, or a bad, ‘get me out of here’ kind.
After the service was over, several people came up to welcome Ryan and chat with him. One of them was a woman around Libby’s own age, Candace, who had recently moved back to the area. She was nice, Libby liked her well enough, but seeing her smiling up at Ryan as if he were manna from heaven, hit her wrong.
“I’ll go find Hank,” she said, leaving Ryan to talk further with Candace and the others. She went to the basement and found Hank happily gluing cut-outs of loaves and fishes onto a sheet of paper printed with a crowd of people.
“Whatcha got there, Hank?” she asked, settling into a chair beside him while Kay and the other teacher chatted with parents coming to get their kids.
“Loafs and fishies,” Hank said, carefully stroking his glue stick across the back of a blue fish.
“Maybe you can tell us the story about the loaves and fishies while we eat lunch.”
“Okay. Jesus made a meer-cole.”
“He sure did. Jesus performed lots of miracles. Bring your paper to show your dad.” Libby waved at Kay to let her know she was taking Hank with her, and they went in search of Ryan and the others. Hopefully Ryan wasn’t even deeper in conversation with Candace by now.
He wasn’t. He was waiting at the top of the stairs, no Candace in sight. Hank ran to him and Ryan picked him up, asking about the picture the little boy was clutching. Tuck, Maddy and Jolene were talking to the pastor at the front door, and they walked that way, with Hank excitedly telling his dad about Jesus and the fishies. In fact he talked about the fishies all the way back to the ranch. Libby tried to pick up on any annoyance on Ryan’s part, either from his own experience at church or Hank’s lengthy story, but he didn’t seem to be at all bothered. He did say that all the talk about loaves and fishes was making him hungry, something Tuck agreed with wholeheartedly.
Thankfully Kay had Sunday lunch bubbling away in the ovens, and within twenty minutes of arriving home they were seated at the table saying grace.
***
It was a busy week. Tuck left early each morning for his office, and the others were on the construction site soon after. It was beyond great to have Jolene there. Libby and Maddy picked her brain endlessly. Jolene was convinced that the Full Heart Ranch Retreat Center, with its ability to offer one and two week long events for entire families, with horseback riding and “rodeos” to show off the skills learned, would find itself fully funded and booked within the first two years of operation, which was a shorter time frame than most.
Friday was their last chance to spend time with the bubbly physical therapist, at least for the time being. Kay brought a special lunch out to the office building, and Libby went outside to find Ryan to invite him to join them. He wasn’t around, and she was told by the other guys on the site that he had gone into town for supplies. So they had a girls’ only lunch, plus Hank, and sent Jolene off with their heartfelt thanks and an invitation to come back whenever she had a few free days.
***
On Saturday morning, Libby took Hank riding. Ryan and Tuck were taking advantage of Tuck’s day off to go over construction issues, and Ryan seemed relieved to have Hank happily occupied. As always, Libby thoroughly enjoyed her time with the little boy, and she knew he was going to leave a big hole in all their hearts when he and Ryan returned to North Carolina.
After their ride, Libby helped Kay catch up on chores around the house. Kay had insisted on doing laundry for Ryan and Hank, and after protesting for a while, Ryan had accepted the offer and brought their dirty clothes down to the laundry room as requested. Kay already had all the clothes washed and neatly folded, but she wanted to do their sheets as well. When Libby showed up ready to help, she sent her up to collect their bedding, as well as the sheets from Jolene’s bed.
Libby stripped Jolene’s and Hank’s beds, then tentatively went into Ryan’s room. For some reason she felt like she was intruding, even though she knew he wouldn’t mind. She tugged the sheets off of his bed, her eyes catching on the small stack of books on his nightstand. Curious, she walked over and picked them up. The top one was “In the Grip of Grace” by Max Lucado, one of her very favorite books. The other two were also on the subject of grace.
Why was Ryan reading these books? Where had he gotten them? Libby replaced them on the table and finished stripping the bed. She wanted to ask him about them, but she figured if he wanted her to know, he’d have talked to her about it already. She could only hope that the books had been helpful.
***
The next week passed much the same as the first, minus Jolene. They were all settling into a routine. Hank went to the office with Libby and Maddy in the mornings, where he occupied himself in the playroom they had set up, or romped outside with Buzz. Kay would show up just before lunch to pick him up and take him back to the house with her. The two had become good buddies, and the little boy didn’t mind leaving his dad and Libby to go with her.
Ryan put in long days, but it was obvious he was enjoying the work. Libby was still trying to find the balance between allowing herself to enjoy the presence of Ryan and Hank, and keeping her heart from becoming more attached. She wasn’t sure it was possible, though. It seemed that in her case, to know Ryan and Hank was to love them, and if there was any middle ground, she was having trouble finding it.
Knowing she needed a pep talk, she called Pastor Keller, and on Saturday afternoon they met at his office, where she told him candidly of her struggles. Libby was certain he would say the words she needed to hear. She didn’t know what those words were, but she
trusted him to be able to counsel her wisely and renew her determination to resist her attraction to Ryan.
They talked for an hour and a half, but instead of giving her clarity and resolve, their meeting left her feeling even more confused. Libby had freely admitted that she was afraid no other man would ever measure up to Ryan and elicit the same feelings from her. Her pastor told her gently that there were no guarantees in life, and he wasn’t going to promise her that she would one day meet another man like Ryan. Throughout his pastorate, he had met a number of people who had lost their first and best loves, for various reasons. Some had ended up choosing other partners, with mixed results, while others had refused to settle and had chosen to remain single.
Neither option appealed to Libby, of course, and she left the session feeling frustrated and sad. The pastor had reiterated the importance of choosing a partner of like faith, but he had stopped short of telling her to forget about Ryan and move on. Instead he encouraged her to continue to pray for Ryan and trust God to lead them both where He wanted them to go.
When she got back to her cabin, she immediately changed into running clothes. She had two hours until dinner, which was plenty of time to go for a run and try to calm her jangled nerves.
The run helped some, but evidently her disquiet was still noticeable. At dinner, she caught Ryan looking at her often, his gaze speculative and somber. He had an uncanny ability to read her moods, even when she tried to hide them. She knew he was picking up on her broodiness and she made every effort to shake it off so he wouldn’t be concerned.
After dinner she joined in a few rousing games of Crazy Eights with Hank and Ryan, until Ryan told the boy it was time for bed.
Libby took advantage of the break and got up from the floor where she’d been sitting cross-legged. “I think I’m going to turn in as well. I have a new book I’ve been itching to start. I’ll see you guys in the morning.” She gathered up a few used iced tea glasses and headed to the kitchen, surprised when Ryan followed her in there.
“You need a bedtime snack?” she asked. “Kay has oatmeal raisin cookies in that container,” she said, pointing.
“No, I wanted to ask if you can wait for me to get Hank in bed. I hate to keep you away from your book, but I’d really like to talk to you for a bit.”
Libby couldn’t come up with a good excuse on such short notice. “Uh, yeah, I can do that.”
“Thanks. I’ll try to hurry.”
Libby busied herself in the kitchen while Ryan went upstairs. She heard Tuck and Maddy leave soon after. She had no idea what Ryan wanted to talk about, and her stomach felt queasy with dread. What if he was going to tell her they were leaving? Would not seeing him at all be any better than seeing him too much? And how could she stand to lose Hank? She had loved that boy from the moment she’d seen him at the courthouse, a beautiful little image of his dad, his dark eyes scared and empty. Now he smiled and laughed and loved his dad and his dog, just like a little boy should.
She went to the living room and stood at a front window, looking out into the darkness, feeling so much pain and regret it was hard to breathe. When she heard Ryan coming downstairs she closed her eyes and prayed for strength to gracefully accept whatever he had to say. As he approached she slowly turned around, and to her horror the sight of him immediately brought tears to her eyes.
“Ah, Libby, you’re killing me,” he said roughly, pulling her into his arms before she could think to protest.
She melted against him, sliding her arms around his waist and holding onto him.
“I don’t want to make you sad, baby, but I know I do. Even when you laugh there’s still sadness in your eyes, I can see it. I hate that I’m the one who’s putting it there.”
“It’s not you making me sad, it’s the situation. But I’m handling it.”
“Not tonight. It’s worse for you tonight.”
She sighed and nodded against his chest. “Maybe a little. I didn’t have the best afternoon.”
“Why? What happened?”
She tightened her arms around him, allowing herself to feel his warmth against her for one more moment, then she let go and took a step back. “I don’t know if I want to talk about this with you, Ry.”
“Tell me why you had a bad afternoon,” he urged, staying close to her, his hands on her waist. “I need to know if there’s something I can do to make it better.”
Libby met his gaze. “There’s not. I just need to get a better handle on how I’m feeling.”
“About me?”
She hesitated, then finally nodded. “I’ve been struggling, and this afternoon I finally had a chance to sit down and talk with Pastor Keller about it. I was so sure talking to him would get me back on track, but I didn’t get the clarity I’d hoped for.”
Ryan slowly let go of her and held out his hand. “Come on. I’ll walk you to your cabin.”
Libby took his hand, realizing it had been weeks since she’d felt his fingers twined with hers. For a while it had seemed so natural, but in her efforts to distance herself from him, she had stopped touching him in any way.
“So what did Pastor Keller say?” he asked as they walked down the porch steps.
“Lots of stuff. Just not what I expected to hear.”
“Did he tell you to run away from me kicking and screaming?”
“No.”
Ryan cleared his throat. “Is that what you wanted him to say?”
“I wouldn’t say it’s what I wanted, but I thought that’s what I needed to hear. I was prepared for it, and I thought hearing him say it would help me to begin moving on.”
“So what did he say instead? What made you feel sad all evening?”
Libby shrugged, not wanting to tell him that all she’d been able to think about since her session with the pastor was that she had two choices for her future—settle for second best with another man, or be alone.
When she didn’t answer, Ryan squeezed her hand. “Libby, I think I know why he didn’t encourage you to run from me.” They reached the cabin and went up the steps onto the porch. “I need to tell you something.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think I want to hear it,” she said, opening the door and turning on the light.
He followed her inside and put his hands on his hips, watching her as she went over and sat on the bed, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them.
“What do you think I’m going to say?”
“That you and Hank are leaving.”
He tilted his head. “I thought maybe you’d see that as a good thing.”
Her throat ached from trying to hold back the tears. “I probably should, but I don’t,” she said thickly. “I can’t imagine not seeing you every day.”
He gave her a slow smile. “Well that’s good, actually, because that’s not what I want to tell you.”
Libby wiped her eyes, so ridiculously relieved to hear it she had to fight the urge to just put her head down and sob.
He crossed the small room until he was standing in front of her, only a foot separating them. “I want to show you something.” Grasping the hem of his tee shirt with one hand, he lifted it up, revealing the tattoo she was already familiar with. She looked at it, realizing instantly that there was another line, a very fresh one, the skin still a bit reddened where it had been inked.
As before, she raised her hand and traced the line with her fingertip. “This date is only six days ago. Last Sunday. I don’t remember anything tattoo-worthy happening last Sunday.”
He smiled. “You went to your small group meeting from church right after dinner, so you didn’t know I was gone most of that evening, too.”
“No I didn’t, and no one told me. Where did you go?”
“I was meeting with Pastor Keller.”
Libby frowned. “Why?”
“It was actually our fourth meeting. I met with him three times earlier in the week, when I said I was going into town to pick up supplies.”
“But you did pic
k up supplies. I saw them in your truck.”
“Yeah, but I was also meeting with him.”
“Why?” she asked again.
“Because I had questions. So many questions. Some of them were a result of talking to you, some came from a few books I bought for the trip out here. They were on the subject of grace, and I read them all cover to cover. They made me do some hard thinking and face some things I’ve been avoiding for many years, and it got to the point where I really needed to talk to someone about it. Pastor Keller and I struck up a conversation at the barbecue, and before I knew it I started asking him the questions that had been building up. When he realized I was struggling, he invited me to meet with him at his church office, where we could talk in private and try to work through things. It took me a while to take that step, but I finally called him.”
Ryan reached out and took a lock of her hair in his fingers. “Honestly, Libby, it might not sound like much, but for me to seek out the help of a pastor is a big deal. I’ve handled things on my own for so long, so long, and admitting I didn’t have everything under control was a big step for me.”
Libby placed her palm over the inflamed line of script. “What happened on this date, Ryan?” she whispered. He let go of his shirt and it fell back into place, but Libby kept her hand on his skin as she looked up at him, her heart pounding.
His dark eyes met hers. “That’s the day I finally gave up my need to do everything myself, to control my life all on my own. I stopped doubting that God cared about me. I stopped blaming Him for not saving my friends. I accepted His grace and forgiveness and I gave my heart back to Him.”
“Back?” she asked curiously.
He nodded. “Pastor Keller made me realize that I’d never stopped believing. I was baptized at fifteen, and it was a true commitment for me. The feeling faded somewhat over the years, and I can’t say I was a real strong Christian prior to that day on the mountain in Afghanistan, but I believed and I prayed and I trusted in His protection. And then when my buddies were killed, after I’d begged God to protect all of us, I felt betrayed. My way of coping was to blame God as much as I blamed myself. Whatever relationship I’d had with Him prior to that was shattered, and as the years passed I didn’t try to get it back. I didn’t touch my Bible, I never went to church, and I certainly wasn’t living like I should have been.”