Robot Dust Bunnies (Argonauts Book 5)

by Isaac Hooke

  “Understood,” Harlequin replied.

  “Lui, set a course for the exit Gate,” Rade said.

  “Course set,” Lui replied.

  He glanced toward the astrogator station, but Shaw wasn’t there of course. He turned toward Lui instead: “Engage.”

  Ten minutes later, Lui reported: “We’ve already achieved full acceleration.”

  “That was fast,” Rade said.

  “A little faster than the Argonaut,” Lui said. “We’re already beginning to overtake her.”

  “I don’t suppose we’ll beat her to the Gate?”

  “Not by a long shot,” Lui said. “I did say a little faster, didn’t I?”

  “True enough,” Rade said.

  “We’ll arrive three days after she passes though,” Lui said.

  “It’s better than the thirteen days it would have taken us by shuttle.”

  “It is,” Lui agreed.

  Bender and Manic joined the bridge crew forty minutes later. Their noses were straightened.

  “Well look at the pretty boys,” Lui said.

  “You’re the pretty boy,” Bender said. “With your perfect complexion and shiny blue eyes, I almost want you to give me a blow. We just need to throw a wig on you and you’re set. You should start a VR channel. Phooey Lui, foodie man. He teaches blow job training via food. ‘Today, boys and girls, I’m going to teach you how to get rid of your gag reflex by eating bananas whole!’”

  Shaw, who had been supervising the twins in the sickbay, arrived an hour later. She must have visited the shared stateroom first, because she, too, had changed out of her jumpsuit and into fatigues.

  “The astrogator’s chair awaits you,” Rade said.

  Shaw made her way to the station and paused before sitting down. She frowned. “Dusty.” She leaned over and swept the seat with one hand.

  Rade smiled to himself. It was good to see her old personality returning.

  “It seems the last owners didn’t use an actual astrogator,” Fret said. “They relied upon the ship’s AI for navigation.”

  “You know that’s not actually dust, right?” Lui said.

  “Well what is it, then?” Fret said.

  “Human skin.”

  Shaw froze, gazing at her hand in disgust. She wiped white dust away from her fingers and knuckles.

  “Don’t be too disgusted,” Lui said. “You do know we shed almost a million cells of human skin per day, right? And depending on how well the ship’s ventilation system works to sweep those cells away, you’ll be breathing in a whole lot of them.”

  “Thanks for that,” Shaw said.

  “Welcome to the bridge,” Bender told Shaw. “We missed you.”

  “Why thank you, Bender.” Shaw smiled with a false sweetness, obviously suspecting that Bender was up to something.

  Sure enough, Bender’s eyes gleamed mischievously. “By the way, have you met the latest incarnation of the AI?”

  Shaw regarded him uncertainly, and then said into the air. “AI?”

  “Please,” a sensual female voice said, “call me Fellatio. How may I service you?”

  Bender erupted in a loud guffaw. Manic was snickering across from him.

  “Um, Rade?” Shaw said.

  Rade looked at Bender crossly. “It didn’t say that a few minutes ago. Change it back.”

  “Aww, come on boss,” Bender said. “The AI is so much more entertaining now. This is how all AIs should be.”

  “Bender...”

  “How would you like it if I reprogrammed the AI to sound like a servile gigolo?” Shaw said. “And gave it the name Cunnilingus? Or perhaps Pussylicker?”

  It was Manic’s turn to burst out in uproarious laughter. “I’d love that!”

  Bender only scowled. “Fine. I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s just an AI.” He paused. “It’s done.”

  “AI?” Shaw tried again.

  “Greetings,” a strident male voice responded. “I am Mikhail. How can I help you?”

  Bender gritted his teeth and flinched, obviously not liking the voice.

  “Better,” Shaw said.

  “Ah, gotta go,” Bender said. “And it’s not because of the AI.”

  He dashed from the bridge, holding his stomach as if in pain.

  “What was that?” Manic said.

  Bender returned a few minutes later and took his seat.

  “Man, did anyone else use the head, yet?” Bender said. “Damn man, after all that food, I really feel like I ripped my asshole.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

  “You digest fast,” Tahoe commented.

  “Are you sure that’s from the food?” Manic said. “I thought I saw you and Fret walking off to a storage closet hand-in-hand earlier...”

  “What!” Bender said. “More like you and Fret. I know you got a thing for skinny men. Besides, how can he resist you, what with that fine pretty face you have, and those scrumptiously plump bitch tits. You so fine!”

  “There he goes with the bitch tits again,” Manic said. “Bro, these are muscles.”

  Bender chortled. “You call those muscles? Those!” He keeled over laughing.

  “Ahh, it’s good to be back aboard the bridge of a starship with such mature individuals,” Lui said. “Working together in harmony with my brothers—and sisters—toward our common goal.”

  “It is indeed,” Rade agreed, a wide grin on his face.

  He reached under his station and squeezed Shaw’s hand.

  twenty-two

  Over the next few days, the Molotok continued toward the Gate. The Argonaut passed through three days ahead of them, vanishing from the tactical display Mikhail fed to their Implants.

  The crew settled in, and accustomed themselves to their new digs. Rade led them in PT each morning in the cargo hold, followed by breakfast in the cramped wardroom. There was no dedicated gym aboard the ship, but that was fine. At least they had enough food to eat, and that alone boosted morale.

  Rade and Shaw visited the twins each day, once in the morning, and for a few hours each night. The infants were growing well, and had packed on another half a pound each since the voyage began. They remained asleep in the incubators, though during the visits Rade occasionally caught one of them kicking a leg or flexing an arm, as an adult would do in a dream. Small phototherapy masks covered their eyes, so they could hardly open their lids, but motion and sound sensors would alert the nursing robots when the babies finally awakened.

  Fret came to the bridge late one morning and tossed a lifeless Artificial body on Bender’s station. It was a naked female, its breasts flopping about. The skin was crusty and falling away in places. Hardened milky drops scabbed the vaginal area.

  “Look what I found locked away in one of the storage closets,” Fret said. “A skin musician. Just for you.”

  “Eww,” Bender said. “Nothing worse than a used skin musician. Get that out of my face.”

  “What, you don’t want to have sex with it?” Fret mocked.

  “Uh, my hand is just fine, thank you,” Bender said. “But feel free.”

  Shaw glanced at Rade mischievously. “Maybe we can have a threesome.”

  Rade chuckled. It was good to see her sense of humor returning. “Get it off the bridge, Fret.”

  “Hmm, maybe I’ll try it out myself,” Fret said.

  Bender shook his head. “Man, that bitch is disgusting.”

  “Who, Fret or the skin musician?” Manic said.

  “Both,” Bender replied.

  Surus continued her analysis of the micro robots in a makeshift lab she had set up in one of the hangar bays. So far she had yet to discover anything more of note, but she was trying to put together a quantum Slipstream antenna to interfere with the swarm’s communications.

  “It’s tricky,” Surus explained, “because I have to base my frequency modulations on the quantum Slipstream signatures I recorded during the attack... seeing as I can’t find a way to activate the heat-damaged sample robots I coll
ected.”

  “It’s probably a good thing you can’t activate them,” Rade said. “I’m not all that keen on having the Molotok converted into a fresh swarm while we’re aboard.”

  “I see your point,” Surus said.

  “Are the 3D printers aboard good enough for you to construct your antenna?” Rade asked.

  “I think so,” Surus said. “Some of the parts will require repeated printings until I can get the precision I desire, and I might have to employ a surgical laser to fine-tune a few of the components, but otherwise, it should be sufficient.”

  “Well, let me know when you have something,” Rade said.

  THE MOLOTOK REACHED the Gate. There were no Russian customs vessels on this side, so the corsair passed through without issue.

  When they emerged into the other system, two menacing Russian corvettes awaited. The long, sleek ships had about twice the armaments of the corsair, with several laser turrets lining either wing.

  Rade had Surus handle the communication, at her request, just as she had dealt with all of the previous Russian officials. Once she sent over the appropriate bribe, the Russians gave the order for them to proceed. The officials didn’t even bother to scan their cargo holds. Not that they would have found anything.

  “Lui, do we have a bead on the Argonaut yet?” Rade asked.

  “I’ve picked up its thermal signature,” Lui said. “It seems to be heading toward a trading port in orbit around the fifth terrestrial planet. They’re still roughly three days ahead of us.”

  “Do we inform the station of the potential threat posed by the Argonaut?” Fret asked.

  “Even if anyone believed us, which is doubtful,” Rade said. “We’ll only cause more harm than good. The station isn’t equipped to deal with Phants. If a security team attempts to arrest Corunna or Alton, who could say what damage the Phants might do?”

  “How do we know they’re not planning on causing damage already?” Fret said. “If they unleash the robot swarm aboard...”

  Rade shook his head. “If they release the swarm, then there’s nothing we can do for the station inhabitants anyway. We hold our tongues.”

  “Wait,” Tahoe said. “How do we know the Phants haven’t transferred to these two customs ships by seeping into their hulls, like we suspected they might have done at the last station?”

  “Surus, how close would we have to get to these two corvettes to ensure no Phants are aboard?” Rade said.

  “Given the armor of these corvettes,” Surus said. “For me to make that determination, you’d have to fly within two kilometers of each of them.”

  “Wouldn’t that piss them off?” Manic said.

  “Shaw,” Rade said. “I’ll need you to pull off some fancy flying here.”

  “I should be able to fly underneath the two of them,” Shaw said. “I’m plotting a course. Two kilometers isn’t that bad, you know. If you were asking for five hundred meters, well that would be another thing entirely.”

  “All right,” Rade said. “Engage when ready.”

  As Shaw brought the Molotok toward the vessels, Fret reported: “The Russians want to know what we’re doing.”

  “Tell them we’re having issues with our lateral thrusters,” Rade said.

  “Their Vipers are charging,” Manic announced. “Should we charge ours?”

  “That’s a negative,” Rade said. “Come on, Shaw...”

  “I can confirm there are no Phants aboard the first corvette,” Surus said.

  On the tactical map, Rade watched as Shaw pulled away from underneath the aforementioned corvette.

  “The second corvette is putting some distance between itself and the Molotok,” Lui announced. “I think they’re getting ready to fire missiles.”

  “Shaw...” Rade said.

  “I’m adjusting course to compensate,” Shaw said.

  Rade watched as Shaw accelerated to bring the Molotok underneath the second customs craft.

  “There are no Phants aboard the second corvette,” Surus said.

  “Shaw, pull away,” Rade said. “Set a course for the Argonaut. Fret, tell the Russians we’ve fixed our thrust problems.”

  “I’ve told them,” Fret said. “Um, they want us to stop. They intend to detain us.”

  Rade tapped in Surus. “Handle it. Meanwhile, Shaw, issue countering thrust and bring us to a stop. Let’s not provoke them any further.”

  The two corvettes approached menacingly. Several minutes passed, then finally they turned away, returning to the Gate.

  “I managed to convince them to stand down,” Surus said. “After apologizing profusely.”

  “The apology involved quite a high bribe, I’m sure,” Rade said.

  “More than I’ve ever paid before,” Surus agreed.

  The Molotok continued on its way. The triple star system produced a moderate amount of radiation, but the hull of the corsair held up. Lui recommended that they all dose with anti-rads nonetheless.

  “Is dosing safe for the twins?” Shaw asked.

  “You’ll have to get the Weaver’s opinion,” Lui said. “But I believe so.”

  The Weaver confirmed that anti-rad treatment was fine, however it suggested a low dosage, given the position of the sickbay in relation to the hull—the compartment was near the center of the ship, and well protected from external radiation. Rade agreed.

  In half a day’s time, the stolen Argonaut reached the trading port in orbit around the fifth terrestrial planet, and apparently docked. Shortly thereafter, Fret reported that the station had ceased all communications.

  “Maybe we should have warned them after all,” Tahoe said.

  “Maybe, but it’s too late now,” Rade said. “Lui, what do we know about that station?”

  “It’s a free port,” Lui said with a shrug. “Named Vladivostok. It’s got a tonne of warehouses and holding bays. Plus several lounges and food courts. And even a flesh parlor.”

  “My kind of station!” Bender said.

  “Yeah,” Lui continued. “It’s essentially the perfect environment for merchants to meet and barter. And, judging by the number of ships currently docked, it’s definitely a well-trafficked station.”

  “What kind of ships are we talking?” Rade asked.

  “Mostly merchant classes, and their mercenary escorts,” Lui answered.

  “Fret, are you able to contact any of the docked vessels?” Rade said.

  “I sent out a general hail shortly after the station stopped responding,” Fret said. “Asking any of the ships in the vicinity of Vladivostok station to respond. So far, even accounting for the time delay, I haven’t heard anything back. It’s like all the ship AIs went offline.”

  “Shaw,” Rade said, “after we recovered you, you mentioned that you instructed Ulysses to launch all missiles and short out the laser turrets.”

  “That’s right,” Shaw said. “I told Ulysses to do that if he was about to lose control of engineering. And considering that he was one of the robots I recovered after I was spaced, I assume he did just that before he was shot and jettisoned.”

  “So if Corunna and Alton intended to swap ships to get back some weapons, they’d certainly have their pick at that free port,” Tahoe said.

  “Though it’s strange they’d disable all of them,” Rade told him.

  “Unless they wanted to stay aboard the station for a little while, until they decided precisely what starship they wanted,” Tahoe said. “Presumably they’d pick one with a working laser system and fully-stocked missile inventory.”

  “Maybe the Phants need equipment,” Lui said.

  “What do you mean?” Tahoe asked.

  “To build their robot swarm,” Lui said. “Maybe the 3D printers aboard the Argonaut weren’t good enough. So they needed something better, something belonging to a company aboard that station.”

  “Could be,” Tahoe agreed.

  “There are no other objects in orbit?” Rade asked. “Defense platforms?”

  “Th
ere are a few observational satellites,” Lui said. “But no defense platforms per se. Vladivostok station has its own defenses, of course. But as far as I can tell, they’ve never been fired.”

  “No defense platforms...” Rade said. “I’m guessing the planet isn’t anything to get excited over?”

  “It’s your typical uninhabitable rock ball,” Lui said. “Like ninety nine point nine nine percent of the planets in our universe. The atmosphere is unbreathable. It has no magnetosphere. No life signs. However, this is in stark contrast to the nearby moon.”

  “Moon?” Rade said.

  “Yes,” Lui said. “The planet has a moon. It’s been terraformed, to a degree. The atmosphere is breathable, and the surface is covered in vegetation. However, they’ve had to install a grid of satellites in orbit to generate the necessary magnetosphere to protect the surface, and they’ve also installed mirrors to reflect most of the light from the three stars. And I said a ‘degree’ of terraforming because the atmosphere is still leaking oxygen, and the Forma pipes they’ve drilled into the surface have to continually pump. They’ll run out of oxygen someday and then the fragile ecosystem they’ve created will go bye-bye. There’s a population of five million clustered in the moon’s only colony on the northern hemisphere.”

  “How far away is the moon from the planet?” Rade asked.

  “It orbits half a million kilometers away,” Lui said.

  “You’re thinking the Phants might go there next?” Shaw said. “Before we arrive? Or even after?”

  “To escape us, it’s possible they might,” Rade said. “Two Phants would be very hard to find in a colony of that size. We could be searching there for months, if not years.” He thrummed his armrest. “All right, it’s time to tell the colonists what they’re up against.” He tapped in Surus. “I need you to get in touch with the governor of the moon. Tell him who you are, and do whatever it takes to prove it. Inform him of the Phant threat, and tell him to be prepared to defend his colony. Also instruct him not to launch any personnel to investigate why communications have stopped at the station.”