by Julia Sykes
“I hope you’re right.” He nodded, satisfied. “I should go check on Sharon. She got cut up pretty bad.” His attention turned to me. “I’ll tell your bother you’re safe and that you’re staying with Santiago. I’ll say it’ll be suspicious to the other tribes if you leave him now; he would look weak.”
“Thank you,” I said with genuine gratitude. I needed time with Javi to mend the fresh rift between us.
He looked to Javier again. “Make contact with Kennedy and see what he wants you to do next.” His blue eyes sharpened. “I know you’ll do the right thing here.” His gaze flicked to me, and I got the feeling he wasn’t talking about Javier’s work with the Kings.
Javi gave him a single, short nod. “I’ll check in tomorrow. I need to talk to Charlotte.” He didn’t look down at me. I hated this strange chasm that was yawning between us. My fingers sank into his arm as though I could forcibly keep him tethered to me.
Vaughn reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, offering it to me. “Call me anytime.”
“Sure,” I said, just wanting him to leave. I hated that Javi didn’t growl at him to back off.
As soon as the agent stepped out into the night, I crumpled the card in my hand and tossed it away from me in an effort to demonstrate my devotion to Javier. He didn’t react in any way, staring straight ahead, his gaze directed inward.
“Javi. Talk to me.” I tugged him toward the couch, and he sat down heavily beside me. I snapped my fingers in front of his face. “Javier.” I said his name sharply.
He shook himself slightly and focused on me for the first time since I had told him I loved him.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” I beseeched. “I don’t understand why you’re upset. This is a good thing. I’m happy you’re with the FBI. If you’re worried about having lied to me, don’t be. I understand.”
His ferocity returned with shocking swiftness, and I fought the urge to shrink away. “You don’t understand anything,” he snapped. “How can you sit there and talk like I’ve done nothing wrong? How can you say you love me after what I’ve done?”
“What? You have done nothing wrong,” I insisted. “You’ve been doing good. You were working to take down the Kings.”
His hands fisted at his sides. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” he practically snarled at me. “What I’ve done to you, Charlotte. It’s wrong.”
His eyes found the collar at my throat, and my hand flew up to clutch at it protectively. “No,” I asserted, my anger rising to clash with his. “Don’t you dare. Don’t say what’s between us is wrong. Do you know how long it took me to accept my feelings for you? I thought you were a Latin King, and still I couldn’t help loving you. Ana told me right and wrong aren’t clear in our world. Maybe initiating sex with you was wrong, but don’t you dare say how I feel about you is wrong. Despite everything that’s been going on, I’ve never been happier than I am when I’m with you.”
“That’s because I manipulated you into thinking you were happy with me,” he ground out. “I didn’t give you the choice to leave me. I kept you and pleasured you until you became completely dependent on me. What you think you feel for me isn’t love. You don’t understand. You never have. But I let myself believe I could have you. Everything in my world is so fucked up, so twisted and ugly. I wanted to possess your goodness for myself.”
“I consented to everything,” I insisted. “I wanted it. I still do.”
“You consented because you didn’t know any better, and I didn’t give you any other option.” The lines of his face suddenly drew down with weariness. “I’ve done terrible things, Charlotte. I’ve killed people. Before you, I was turning to the bottle to get me through each day. Then you came into my life, and you were my new addiction. I was obsessed with protecting you. As though by keeping you safe I could somehow make up for all the horrible things I’d been forced to do.” His eyes tightened with pain. “You were supposed to be my redemption. You were so innocent, so pure. And look what I’ve done to you.”
He took in a shuddering breath. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. After my wife fucked me over, I thought I had nothing left to lose. Kennedy – my boss – understood my lifestyle and took me in when my field office wanted nothing to do with me. I was a goddamn analyst, but I decided I was equipped to go undercover with the fucking Latin Kings. I spent my whole life trying to get away from gang violence, and now I’ve become a part of what I hate.”
I cupped his face in my hand, trying to keep him with me. “You’re not part of that. You’re trying to bring them all down. You’re not like the rest of them.”
“Aren’t I?” He asked hoarsely. “I took you for myself, Charlotte. I told myself it was to keep you safe from Ortiz’s violation, and now I’ve corrupted you with my perversions. I stole you away from your life and molded you into what I wanted.”
“My life was meaningless before you,” I said fiercely, my fingers fisting in his hair to keep him from pulling away. “All I knew was what I didn’t want to be. Now I know what I want. You’ve helped me become strong. I’m not that scared little girl anymore, and I’m not pretending to be something I’m not just so some snobby girls will accept me. I want to build a life with you, Javier. I need you. Don’t say that’s wrong. Being with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
My other hand closed around the back of his neck, and I crushed my lips to his before he could say something that would destroy us. He groaned, but it was a sound of pain rather than lust. His long fingers closed around my wrists, firmly pulling himself free from my grip on him. I struggled to stay close to him, twisting against his hold. He pinned my arms behind my back. His brown eyes were hard when they found mine. I loved the feel of him restraining me, and his forbidding expression gave me hope that he was about to discipline me. I would take pain from him if only he would touch me.
“Do you know about safe words, Charlotte?” He asked, his voice icy. “It’s standard to say red if you want everything to stop.”
He was going to punish me. And then he would hold me afterward. I licked my lips in anticipation. “I don’t want to use a safe word.”
“Well I do. This is me, saying red. I’m not doing this, Charlotte. I won’t.”
My chest seized. “But I love you,” I whispered.
He released me and stood, regarding me with such an intense mixture of emotions that it was impossible for me to tell what he would say next. When he did speak, my heart broke. “I’m sorry for that.”
He turned from me and walked away. My raw sob drowned out the sound of the apartment door slamming shut behind him.
Chapter 22
I paced back and forth in the small living room, trying to come up with a plan to bring Javi back to me. He might be trying to deny what he felt for me, but I wasn’t giving up so easily. It had been nearly a week since he rejected me, but I still refused to leave our apartment. He had been angry with me, but he wouldn’t throw me out on the street, especially when he was still trying to bring the tribes under his control. The fact that he still cared about my safety gave me hope.
I focused on the main problem: Javier thought he had manipulated me into being with him. He thought he had taken advantage of me while I was trapped with him. I had to make him see that if I could do it again, I would choose him every time.
But he would need more than that. He needed to know I would choose him under any circumstances. I was willing to go back to the start and build our relationship from scratch if that was what it took. I could show him I wanted him, even when I went back to my life at school. I wanted him in my future. And I wanted his collar. We would get back there eventually. We had to. I wanted my Master back.
The peace I felt under his hands was the sweetest gift anyone had ever given to me. I didn’t have to fight against my past, didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I could just be. And he would cherish me for exactly who I was. He had done so even when I wasn’t sure who I was.
If only we had met under different circumstances, Javier wouldn’t be ashamed of our relationship. He had always set a deadline for us: when “everything was finished.” I now understood that he had meant when the Latin Kings were taken down and he returned to his job with the FBI, I would be safe and could leave him.
But we had moved past that. He had collared me and promised me a future with him. Now he was confused about what he had done. Vaughn’s judgmental glare had made him judge himself. He had been repulsed by the sight of my collar. It made my stomach turn.
Vaughn. A mad idea coming to me, I searched the floor for his crumpled business card. I found it under the couch, where it had rolled when I tossed it away.
Once the Kings were gone, we could start over. If I could help get Javi out, then we could mend what was broken between us.
I smoothed out the business card and snatched up my phone, grateful that Javier was out of the apartment. Vaughn picked up on the second ring.
“This is Charlotte Carter,” I said quickly. “I need to talk to you. In private.”
There was a short pause. “Okay. I’m glad you called. I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes. Don’t go out on your own.”
“I won’t,” I promised. “I’ll see you soon.”
I ended the call and darted to the bedroom to make myself look somewhat presentable. Glancing in the mirror, I winced and dabbed concealer over the dark circles under my eyes. God, I looked like a wreck. I needed to pull myself together if I was going to go through with my plan. One way or another, I would help Javier.
Almost exactly twenty minutes later, Vaughn called me to say he was waiting outside. I poked my head out the door to find an unremarkable blue Camry. It certainly didn’t look like a car an FBI agent would drive. But then again, Vaughn wasn’t dressed like a Fed. I always thought they wore sharp black suits, but just as the night before, he wore a ratty hoodie and jeans. Another similarly dressed man sat in the passenger seat, so I slid into the back.
As we drove off, I studied Vaughn and his partner more carefully. The stranger was a bit mussed and dark-haired where Vaughn was clean-cut and blond, but they both had a confident, official bearing about them that screamed authority figure. The casual clothes couldn’t disguise that, and I was glad they had waited in the car rather than coming to the apartment. Anyone who spotted them would have suspected they were cops.
“Thanks for coming,” I began.
“No problem,” Vaughn said. “I’ll take you to the field office where Reed will debrief you, and then you can go see your brother.”
“I’m not leaving Javier,” I corrected him sharply. “Just the opposite. I want to help.”
The other agent – Reed – turned in his seat to shoot me a curious look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I want to help get him out. What can I do to end this sooner?”
I had expected disapproval, but Reed shot me a perfect, dazzling smile. “Another Carter on a mission. Your brother won’t like it, you know.”
I lifted my chin. “If Derek can help you, then I can too. I’m not useless just because I’m a woman.” I’m not a scared little girl anymore.
Reed chuckled. “No wonder Derek can handle Sharon. He’s obviously used to prickly women.”
“Wait. Sharon’s the one who was stabbed, right? She’s with my brother?”
“Yep. I watched it all go down. Sharon and I busted Los Muertos at Decadence. She’s the one who convinced Derek to join our side. He almost didn’t because he was worried about what might happen to you. He didn’t agree to help until we told him Santiago was one of ours and wouldn’t lay a finger on you.”
Vaughn’s blue eyes flashed in the rearview mirror in silent warning. I got the message. He hadn’t told anyone about what he had seen between Javi and me. I was grateful to him for keeping our secret, but I needed to make Reed understand the importance of my role in helping Javier. He didn’t seem to be taking me very seriously.
“I love him,” I declared. I didn’t miss the way Vaughn winced. “Stop judging Javi and me, Vaughn.”
Reed’s eyes went from me to Vaughn. “Really, man? You’re judging? Your relationship with Rose wasn’t exactly ethical. You were supposed to be protecting her, not dating her.”
Vaughn’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “This is different.”
Reed frowned. “How?”
He ground his teeth. Then he blew out a long sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck. I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right. Rose was free to leave me at any time. Santiago kept Charlotte locked up in that apartment.”
Reed fixed him with a hard look. “I wasn’t around at the time, but I hear you shadowed Rose’s every move. Don’t be a hypocrite, Clayton. It’s not like you.”
“Will you two stop debating my relationship as though I’m not here?” I asked angrily. “There’s nothing wrong with what’s between us, but now Javier thinks there is, thanks to you. That’s why I need to get him out of this situation. He’s all kinds of messed up from living with the Kings. The sooner he’s out, the sooner he’ll see sense.”
Reed beamed at me. “Tenacious. Yep. Just like Sharon. If you want in, I’ve got your back.”
“Reed,” Vaughn snapped. “That’s not your call to make. We have to run it by Kennedy.”
Reed rolled his eyes. “Are you always such a goddamn stickler when it comes to following the rules? You know Kennedy will talk it over with Javier, and then there’s no way he’ll let Charlotte be involved. It’s her right to help if she wants to.”
“She’s a civilian,” Vaughn countered. “It’s Kennedy’s call.”
“I’m right here, guys,” I reminded them loudly. God, they were high-handed.
“I knew I liked you,” Reed turned a cocky smile back on me. “Put Vaughn in his place. He’s usually the good guy, but he’s being an ass.”
“And you’re a pain in my ass,” he retorted. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re worse than Smith.”
“Well, your partner’s obsessed with that Jane Doe, and my partner’s in the hospital after getting knifed, so we’re stuck with each other,” Reed said jovially.
“Guys! Can we focus? The Latin Kings; Javier; me helping out. I don’t need your drama right now.”
I noticed Vaughn’s lips twitch, and his annoyance wavered. “Okay, Charlotte. I’m listening.”
“Well, you tell me. What can I do? I know Javi’s trying to finish what Jonas started and unite the tribes. How can I make sure that happens as quickly as possible?”
His bright blue eyes met mine in the rearview again, considering me. “Well, the alliance with the Russians was Jonas’ biggest bargaining chip. That’s gone now, and Javier’s having trouble. The other tribes see him as weak because Los Muertos are practically wiped out. He built a reputation for himself at Jonas’ side, so some are still willing to meet with him, but losing the Russians is definitely making his job more difficult.”
“You want me to reach out to the Russians?” I surmised. “Why would they even talk to me?”
“We should arrange a meet with Clara,” Reed interjected. “She’s been chomping at the bit to get at Dimitri ever since we busted Decadence, and she’s familiar with what went on with the Kings at the club.” His gaze shifted back to me. “Clara Peterson is NYPD. She’s also a Dominatrix. She went a bit vigilante at Decadence until we reached out to her and brought her in on the op.”
My mind was spinning as I tried to absorb it all. This Sharon woman and Reed had been working with Derek to bust the Kin
gs who were trafficking through Decadence, and this Clara Peterson had been helping them. I was still missing something.
“Who’s Dimitri?” I asked.
“He seemed to control the Russians who met with Jonas,” Reed explained. “We didn’t get a last name, and we don’t really know anything about him. It was a major loss that we weren’t able to arrest him during the bust at your brother’s club.”
“I’ll call Clara now.” Vaughn was already hooking in his Bluetooth headset. After a short exchange, a meeting was arranged.
“We’re going to drop you off at Osta Café,” he told me when he finished his call. “Clara will be waiting there.”
“Thanks,” I said earnestly. “You won’t tell Javier about this, will you? Because he’ll go nuts if he finds out, even if he is pretending not to care about me.”
Vaughn looked uncomfortable, but Reed reassured me. “We’ll keep it between us. I’m sure Clara will want to help, and we’ll back you up. Better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission, right? Kennedy will be pissed when he finds out we ran an op without his go-ahead, but he won’t fire us. I don’t think. He likes having his kinky little unit too much. I swear the man recruits us on purpose.”
I remembered what Javier had said about Kennedy taking him in because he understood his lifestyle. And Reed and Sharon had obviously been comfortable hanging around my brother’s BDSM club. I shot a glance at Clayton. Reed had said he was in a relationship with Rose. Was it the same Rose who had been roofied at Decadence and abducted by Ramirez? Miguel had said her boyfriend was a Fed.
Holy shit. It seemed the entire New York unit of the FBI was kinky. And the unit director – Kennedy – was responsible. So he was in the lifestyle too? And apparently Clara Peterson was a Dominatrix. She was NYPD, not FBI.
“Is everyone in law enforcement into BDSM?” I asked faintly.
This time Vaughn chuckled, the last of his frostiness melting. “Those of us who weren’t already are being converted, apparently.”
I had so many questions about the lifestyle that burned on the tip of my tongue, but they would have to wait. We were coming to a stop.