by Molly E. Lee
I let out the breath I’d been holding since Justin had knocked on my door.
DASH CARRIED HAIL inside and set her gently on her oversized pillow in the corner of the living room. She normally never used the thing, electing to dominate the couch, but she wasn’t allowed to jump up and down for at least two weeks. Her eyes were heavy from the painkillers they’d given her at the vet clinic, but she still managed to give Dash’s hand a slow lick as he pulled away.
“I’m so sorry about all of this,” I said again, setting Hail’s three prescription bottles on the kitchen counter. She had a broken rib, and the doctor had given me anti-inflammatories and antibiotics to stave off infection, just as a precaution. I knelt to pick up the beer bottle I’d left on the floor and rolled it between my hands. I heard Hail sigh from the other side of the room and I clutched the bottle with a fierce grip.
Dash uncurled my fingers from around the neck and slowly set it down. He didn’t let go of my hand, and warmth radiated from his body so close to mine. He tilted my chin up so I had to meet his eyes, which were as green and intense as ever. I swallowed hard, my heart racing.
“I’m getting sick of you saying that, woman,” he said and slipped his hand around my hip to the small of my back. Tingles erupted under his touch, and he pulled me to him. He pressed his cheek against the top of my head. “None of this is your fault,” he whispered.
I melted into him, hugging him close to me. “You’re wrong,” I said, and it was probably the first time in Dash’s life that he was.
“None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t let Justin in my apartment. None of this would’ve happened if I would’ve listened to my heart that summer before my freshman year of college when he’d made me choose between him and my dream school.” I sighed. But if Justin hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met Dash. I made to step out of his embrace, but he stopped me.
“Don’t,” he whispered, and then his lips were on mine.
I opened my mouth willingly under his, my eyes closing automatically. He massaged my tongue with his own, and with each caress my heart beat faster. I grabbed his hair and kissed him deeper, suddenly needing to close the tiny space that separated our bodies. He ran his hands up and down my back and sides, every graze igniting a trail of internal fire that made me weak. His breath was ragged against mine, and he gently pushed me backward.
My back tapped the kitchen counter, enough to make me wince. I flinched out of the kiss, and the scene from earlier tonight filled my eyes so quickly I had to squeeze them shut. The icy fingers of fear gripped my heart again, as if I were reliving the moment, and the cold froze the fire within me.
Dash stepped back. “Did I hurt you?”
I shook my head, realizing for the second time he’d had to ask me that after kissing me. And he hadn’t done anything wrong. Justin had. Again.
The shock of the situation returned, and I trembled despite my efforts to take a deep breath and push past it. I would never know how far Justin would’ve taken it, thanks to Hail. If she hadn’t intervened . . . I clenched my eyes shut again and refused to think about it.
“I’m so—”
Dash put his finger on my lips.
I saw the tension in his eyes, the confusion, and all the space we’d put between us crashed down on me like a tidal wave. I wanted to curl up in bed with Dash’s protective arms around me, but I couldn’t ignore the exhaustion settling into my bones. The adrenaline slowly crept from my body, and the reality of tonight punched me in the face. No matter what my body wanted—which was all of Dash’s—I couldn’t jump into bed with him. I couldn’t jump into anything with him. Not with everything so fresh.
He must have seen the hesitance in my eyes because he put what felt like an ocean of space between us.
“Dash . . .”
“You don’t have to explain, Blake.” He shrugged and walked toward the door. “I get it. You still need time. ”
“After everything tonight . . . I can’t even think straight,” I said.
Dash had his hand on the doorknob and I put mine on top of his, stopping him.
He stared at the floor for a few moments before glancing back at Hail, who snored loudly in the corner. “I’m glad she’s all right. I’m glad you both are.”
I pressed my lips together, wanting to say a million things, but coming up blank.
“Do you think he’ll come back?” he asked, his eyes hard.
I shuddered. “I really hope not.”
Dash turned toward me and took his hand off the knob. “I could stay.”
Heat simmered low in my belly with the thought of lying in bed next to him again. It would be so easy to let Dash put me back together.
“Would you?” I was still resolved to fix my issues on my own, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t take him up on his offer to make me feel safe. “Even if I’m not ready to—”
“Of course,” he said and slid his fingers in my hair, gently stroking. “I’m not him, Blake. I’d never force you into anything. Ever.”
I bit my lip, wondering how on earth I could possibly deserve Dash’s kindness. “Thank you.” I sighed, the tension leaving my body knowing Dash was there for me in whatever way I needed. That kind of stability was new and refreshing and put another kink in my stay-away armor.
I showered, despite having taken a bath earlier in the night. I pressed my loofa so hard against my skin I was rubbed raw by the time I got out, but I couldn’t help it. I’d felt the intense need to scrape away all traces of Justin, all eight years’ worth. Patting dry, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I’d never really be rid of him . . . not unless I shut him down completely, once and for all.
Walking into my bedroom, I sighed. Dash lay sprawled out, taking up more than half the bed. He’d argued with me earlier, saying he’d take the couch, but I didn’t want him there. I wanted him in my bed, next to me, where I could smell him and hear his breathing, even if we’d agreed not to have sex.
I tried to climb in as gently as possible, but he shifted regardless.
“You were in there a long time,” he said, his voice soft with sleep.
“I had a lot to think about,” I said, slipping underneath the covers he held up for me.
“Did you figure it out?” he asked as I sank into the crook of his arm, resting my head against his chest.
“Not everything, but, yes, I figured something important out.”
“What was that?”
“Something vital in order for me to be free.”
“Want to clue me in?” He traced his fingertips lightly against my arm. The sensation gave me chills and made my heart beat faster.
“Not tonight,” I said, taking a deep breath. The scent of rain filled the bed, and my muscles turned to jelly.
I glanced up at him, his eyes barely held open, and smiled softly. This felt too natural to ignore. We fit. Effortlessly.
“I gave Hail her last dose before coming in here,” he said, stretching. The motion forced more of his body to graze mine and the fire in my veins had me wishing I’d opted for shorts over sweats.
“Thank you,” I said as he settled himself again.
“Always, Blake.”
The touches he gave me were featherlike and completely innocent, but each time his fingers met my skin or his leg slid against mine, I melted. And yearned.
I slid my arm across the hardness of his abs, holding myself to him. A steady electric current buzzed between us, a low pulse aching with need. It would be so easy to let go and give in to the urges consuming me. To take things with Dash to the next level. To be that girl. His girl.
I sighed. That would leave me being defined by nothing but a relationship for as long as I could remember. No. I would figure out who I was first, then I would ask him to be mine. And tomorrow I would take the first step to reclaiming my identity—but Dash wouldn’t like it.
My fingers trembled as I gripped the keys in my purse with one hand and my cell in my jeans pocket with the other. Ice
-cold dread settled in my stomach, despite the warm air and gentle breeze blowing on campus.
It had taken me two whole days to work up the courage to ask Justin to meet me. I wanted to close the door on him for good, but on my terms.
Public place. Campus quad.
Dash hadn’t slept over again after that first night, but I had my thumb hovering over the call button on my cell, his number already up. I’d told him what I planned to do. He’d nearly talked me out of it; he was so against me going through with this. Asked me to simply never speak to Justin again. But I didn’t budge. If I didn’t see an end to this, then there would never be closure, and Justin would harass me for the rest of my life.
My teeth threatened to chatter with the adrenaline coursing through my veins. My heart plummeted to my stomach when I saw Justin crossing campus toward where I sat on a bench. Seriously? I’d faced down tornadoes from a hundred yards away without this much fear. I needed to suck it up and fast. This was nothing compared to chasing one of God’s most deadly creations. I could do this.
“Blake,” Justin said when he’d reached me. His face was a purple and blue mess, a black eye, swollen cheek, and busted lip all accented the noticeable lump I’d given him two nights ago.
“What happened?” I blurted out, but instantly regretted it. I could easily guess who’d given Justin the beat down and suddenly understood why Dash hadn’t checked on me or Hail in person in two days.
“That’s not really any of your business anymore, is it?” Justin took a seat on the bench, and I instinctively moved as far away from him as possible. He noted the action and ducked his head, like a beaten animal. The thought made my blood turn to fire, picturing Hail at home, nursing her wounds. Good, the fire was better. I could cling to that with a stronger grip than the stupid icy fear.
“You’re absolutely right, Justin. You’re no longer a worry for me.”
He huffed. “I don’t remember everything,” he said after a few moments. “But I’ve been told it wasn’t good.”
Hot tears welled in the back of my throat, the night replaying in my mind. “Wasn’t good? Are you kidding me? Justin, you nearly . . . raped me.” I whispered the last two words, weary of the students walking by.
His eyes popped wider and then he looked up, as if trying to recall the worst night of my life.
“And you broke Hail’s rib. You’re lucky only a beer bottle was within my reach and not a knife because I swear to God I would’ve stabbed you.” He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear it. I only came here to see to it that you knew what you’d done to me. To me, the girl who stood by your side for years. I can’t believe you took things that far. It proves how toxic I am for you, and you for me. But no more. I’m done. And after what you did, I don’t ever want to speak to you again.”
“I am sorry. Not that it counts for anything. I got wasted, listened to Lindsay go on and on about how she thought you and Dash were together now, and I fucking lost it. I didn’t go over to your place with an idea in mind, it just happened. I don’t even remember driving there. And, for the record, in my mind, you were still mine. You’ve always belonged to me.”
I jerked my head to the side. “No. That isn’t how relationships are supposed to work. One doesn’t own the other. And Dash and I aren’t together.” Not in any sense he needed to know about. My personal life was no longer his concern.
“I never thought I’d be this guy.” Justin he stared at his scuffed work boots. “I really didn’t, Blake. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.”
I shot to my feet, clutching my keys so hard I felt them nick my skin. “Excuse me?”
“You’ve driven me crazy for years. In love and lust, and sometimes I hated you because I knew I was never the man you wanted . . . the man you deserved. Who could live up to your standards?”
“My standards? I stayed with you after all the hell you put me through. The selfish sex, the suicide threats, everything. I didn’t have any standards until I realized how a real man treats a woman.” I practically spat the words. There was no more fight filter in me. I was free and would not spare him any ounce of pain.
“You mean Dash.” Justin stood, too, but kept his distance.
“Yes. He’s shown me more kindness in the short time I’ve known him than you have your entire life. Don’t you get it, Justin? We only brought out the worst in each other.”
“He’s only trying to get into your pants.”
I glared at him, not bothering to respond.
He put his hands up in defense. “Not that I blame him. Not that it matters anymore. You’re right. I hated the person I was with you. Every day, I hated him. I still do. I don’t know if I can come out of it, but now that we’re done, I’ll try.” Well, finally, an instance of brutal honesty. For once he wasn’t spouting bullshit.
“We are done. I mean it. Really done. I don’t want one text, one call, or so much as a drive-by from you. Do you understand? I’ll call the police and bring up charges. I should’ve done that already, but the only thing that stopped me is our years’ worth of history. I can easily forget that if you bother me again.” My voice didn’t waiver like I thought it would with my heart pounding against my chest so hard.
“Understood,” he said, not bothering to look me in the eye.
With each word, I took a sledgehammer to the chain he’d had wrapped around my heart for years. “Goodbye, Justin.”
Crack, I’d given the final blow and was absolutely, finally free.
“HOW IS HAIL?” Mom asked, sliding a third homemade cinnamon roll on the plate in front of me. I sat at her dining room table, spilling my heart out between bites.
“She’s almost completely healed,” I said, smearing the bite on my fork in the melted icing on the plate. It’d taken three weeks, but Hail was back to the normal lazy and loving dog she’d always been.
“That’s good, honey.” Mom took a seat next to me, squeezing my wrist. “I’m so sorry about what you had to endure. I wish you would’ve talked to me. The way he treated you wasn’t right, and sex shouldn’t be like that. It should be about mutual satisfaction. It can be incredible . . . mind-blowing with the right person. I can give you some pointers, so you can tell the next man in your life how to move to get you—”
I jerked my hand up to stop her, color rushing to my cheeks. “No! Please don’t.” Obviously I knew my mother had sex before, but I did not need the visual, or the embarrassment that she knew infinitely much more about the subject than me.
“All right, honey, but I’ll be here if you want to talk about it. I’m always here for you.” Her eyes shot down to the table, and the slight hurt in them registered in my heart.
“I know I should’ve come to you. I honestly didn’t even realize how toxic our relationship was until I met Dash.” I’d been blind. Or in denial. I couldn’t decide which was worse—my utter cluelessness on how healthy relationships functioned or the fact that I’d never once questioned if I deserved better.
She squeezed my wrist again before she pulled back and took a sip of her iced tea. “Have you heard from Justin?” She said his name through clenched teeth.
“Not since I shut the door on him forever. Not to mention I threatened to call the cops. We’ve heard the last from him.” I shoved another gooey bite in my mouth.
“I’m so proud of you. You’re finally embracing the strong woman I’ve always known you were.”
She was right; I was strong. And I had a passion that burned hotter than the sun for storms. I hadn’t been able to acknowledge either of those aspects when I’d been blinded and buried in my relationship with Justin. I knew myself better now. The last three weeks had been a revelation where I relished in the freedom and took the time to figure out what I really wanted.
And I knew what that was now. But I couldn’t deny that I’d have baggage for a long time. I couldn’t just blink the past eight years away, or that awful night Hail got hurt, no matter how
badly I wanted to. I’d actually contemplated seeing someone to help me work through it, but as of right now I wasn’t ready to dive that deep. If the time came where I needed even more clarity on why I’d stayed with him so long then I wouldn’t hesitate, but for now I was just happy to be . . . me. Really me, with no chains, no expectations, and most of all, no disappointments.
Well, maybe one. I still hadn’t been able to bring myself to cross the line with Dash. I knew I wanted to. Knew my life without him wasn’t nearly as bright as it was with him in it, but he’d given me my space like I’d wanted, and I hadn’t pressed unpause on that yet.
“How is Dash?” Mom asked, as if reading my mind.
I snapped to attention before quickly returning my focus to the plate. I hadn’t told her about what had happened between us.
“He’s fine.” I thought. I’d only heard from him a couple times since I broke things off with Justin.
Once when he called a few days after the incident to check on me and Hail. He’d asked if I needed anything, offering to bring me food or chocolate or whatever would make me happy. I’d wanted to say, you . . . I need you, but I couldn’t shape the words with my tongue. Regardless of his acceptance of my need for time, I couldn’t get past all the drama I’d caused him. I didn’t even know how to begin to apologize for it. And when I returned to classes, we kept our distance there as well.
The second time we spoke I’d called to give him my new cell number—I’d changed it for a new start. He hadn’t bothered using it in the days since and really I couldn’t blame him. I’d brought so much drama to his world, he probably needed an infinite vacation.
“Some coincidence, huh?” Mom’s voice cut into my thoughts as she rose from the table and took my cleared plate to the kitchen sink.
I followed her, leaning against the counter with my arms crossed. “What is?”
She scrubbed the plate with a washrag. “That the two of you broke up with your partners in the same month.” Mom arched an eyebrow at me while she grabbed a towel to dry with.