“I suppose the reality of it all made you have second thoughts. It was one thing to enjoy the pleasure of sex with me, quite another to find yourself tied to me.”
“That’s no’ it,” he said quietly. But he lied. He stood and lied to Elizabeth, and how he hated himself for it.
For his weakness. He wanted to keep her at his side. But BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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he wouldn’t have her if he admitted the truth, what he had feared all those years ago—what he still feared. To admit it now was to have her leave him. But maybe she had already left?
“Then what is it, Iain? Were you ashamed? I believed we kept our liaison quiet at first because of the scandal.
But as it developed, as you spoke of your feelings and love, I assumed you would offer marriage. Our relationship might slowly come out, but you didn’t want to talk of it. You didn’t want anyone to know. Naturally, I thought you rather gentlemanly at the time, having a concern about my reputation. But I learned the truth quickly—that you were ashamed to be seen with me. You didn’t want your mates to know that you had fallen for a woman who would most likely end up blind. Not the great Iain Sinclair. How could he be seen with a woman such as that?”
“Stop it,” he growled in warning.
“Why? Does it hurt too much? Am I coming too close to the truth?”
“Because that’s not it at all.”
“Really? You were never shamed by me?” He shouldn’t pause, he knew, but he had to. He had to get this right. She would think him stalling for time to formulate a lie, but that wasn’t what he was doing. If ever there was a moment when the words had to be utterly perfect, this was it.
“I think we’ve said all there is to say here, Iain. You were ashamed then, and I don’t believe that has changed now.”
Stalking across the room, he went to her, wrapped his big hand around her arm and tugged her away from the table. “We are not done here,” he said. “And everything has changed—everything, damn you. I was one and twenty when we began our affair. I was young and BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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stupid and foolish. And I canna take back what I did, or what I thought at that time.”
Nervously he ran his hands through his hair, struggling to find the right way to speak the truth. “I felt many things, but never shame. Fear, aye. I feared your impending blindness, how you would be dependent upon me for everything—”
She gasped, struggled in his hold. Her eyes were narrowed, shooting him daggers. “You were scared?” she choked in outrage. “And did you think I wasn’t? Did you think the prospect of forever being in the dark was a welcome one for me?”
He gave her a little shake because he was scared now, and worried about what would happen when the truth came tumbling out. “I didn’t know what to expect, or how… How you might look after it. And aye, that’s childish and vain and arrogant, but I was a vain, arrogant boy then. And I was thinking of myself, and worrying over what the rest of my life might be like with you. And then there was the matter of—”
“Your heir,” she declared, challenging him, “Did you imagine your heir like me, blind and dependent and utterly worthless?”
“I didn’t know what it would be like. I couldna fathom it.”
“So you ran from it all, because you were a coward.
You left me to bear it all alone, while you went away and ignored it—never to be touched or burdened by it—or me.”
That hurt, but it was no less than he deserved.
“Aye, I did, Beth, because I was frightened, and my feelings… They were growing stronger, and I knew how you felt about me. You loved me, and I knew it for the truth, and that scared the bloody hell out of me, too. And BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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I was scared about one more thing, Beth. I was scared that I couldna do it, that I wouldn’t be what you needed, that I wasna strong enough to see you through it all. You see, that was the only grown-up thought in my head at that moment, that I wasna the sort who could help you through it all and stand by you. I ran no’ only from you, but from me. The inevitable disappointment you would have in me when I failed you. I’m still scared, still wanting to run at times when I look into your eyes and wonder how I will ever be the sort of man you deserve. I want so much to deserve you. To be worthy of a woman like you.” Capturing her cheeks, he looked deeply into her eyes and said, his voice fierce with emotion, “I knew I would only hurt you, Beth, and I…I realized that I loved you too much to see your love for me wither and die because I wasn’t strong enough to stand by you. To help you when you needed me most. I was afraid of the future, so I ran away from it.”
Brushing his thumbs over her cheeks, he wiped away the tears that ran down them. “I was never ashamed of you, Beth. But I was ashamed of myself. How weak I was, how afraid I was of your future, and how it would impact mine. I always believed in you, in your strength, I just never believed in myself. And that’s the truth. What’s more…and it is so selfish, this truth, but I can own it now, Beth. Leaving you, I thought, was a blessing, and it was a means of self-preservation, because I never, ever, wanted to look into your face and see you gazing at me like you now are.”
She reached for his wrist, clutched it. “How do I look?”
“Hurt. Pained. Destroyed.”
“If I could look into your eyes, what would I see in them, Iain?”
“Devastation. Shame for what I was. Hatred for the BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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vanity and arrogance of my youth. A love for you that has never, ever died, but has only grown and matured, and become all-consuming. Tears,” he said, and pressed his face to hers so she could “see” them. “Because I know it is truly over now that the truth is out, and I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. Forgive me,” he whispered, then stole a kiss from her lips. “Forgive me, and the boy I was, and the man I turned out to be.” She reached for his other wrist, captured it in her hand.
“What of your marriage? Your banns were read in church.
You desired another.”
Pulling her forward, he cupped her cheek in his palm.
“No, I didn’t. But I did allow my father to take control of my life. What you don’t know, Beth, is that I lost myself when I left you. I was a wreck. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I only wanted you, but the fear still ruled me—and so did my father. I allowed him to make arrangements for me to wed a woman of his choosing. And when it came time to do it, to give another woman my vows, my fidelity, my body…” he swallowed “…I couldn’t do it without imagining your face, without thinking and pretending that she was you. I couldn’t do it, Beth,” he said, whispering against her cheek. “Because I knew that the only woman I could ever love, ever promise to cherish and protect and be faithful to, was you. It’s always only ever been you. And it always will be, Beth. You have my heart. My love. And my regret that I am not the man you deserve.”
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CHAPTER TWENTY
THE WINDOW RATTLED, stirring Lizzy from her slumber.
How long ago was it that Iain had left her, his confession echoing in her mind as she cried herself to sleep? He had somehow freed her with his confession. Made her see beyond her fear and hurt, and into his.
They had been young and naive when they came together for the first time. With no experience of the world, or human nature. Neither of t
hem had been prepared for what they would discover in each other. Was it wrong of her to condemn him for a mortal weakness—fear of the unknown? Should he not have had the right to worry about how she would deal with her blindness, how they would manage? Her vision loss had been gradual, not sudden. She had known it was coming, the day when she would see nothing but black. Sometimes when one knew an event was going to happen, it made the agony worse, harder to bear. Sometimes the anticipation of waiting, wondering, worrying, was more than one could bear.
To Iain, who had always been raised to be strong, to show no weakness, that natural fear for her, and for him, and what they might give up, was more than he knew how to cope with.
The window rattled again, and she stirred, listening, an absurd hope leaping in her breast. Was it Iain? Had he returned? She already knew that with the morning light she would seek him out. Would go to his house and BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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finish where they had left off. He had been completely honest with her, baring his soul to her, despite the fact that there was darkness in there. She owed him the same honesty. The words he had longed to hear. That he had not destroyed her feelings for him. That love for him still resided within her heart, and always would. From this day forward, fear no longer held them captive.
Another rattle, and she wondered if the wind had once more picked up. She thought of calling for Maggie, but instead tossed back the covers and padded across the floor.
A breeze blew in, robbing her of breath. Strange how the window, which had been locked, suddenly blew open—
“Don’t make a sound.”
Her mouth was covered in an instant, and a cloth slapped over her face. She fought in her captor’s hold, twisting her body and flailing her limbs, but her cries were muffled by the cloth, and someone else reached for her feet.
“Wait till she’s out, and then we’ll take her to the carriage and collect our wages.”
“She’s strong,” the one grunted, letting her foot slip from his hold. She fell onto the floor, uncoordinated from the ether. Its stench and taste made her wretch as she tumbled downward. The side of her head hit the floorboards, and she heard nothing for a few seconds as she fought to prevent herself from descending into the darkness.
“Check her,” the first voice said. “If she’s dead, Mr.
Lasseter will have our bollocks strung up.”
“Alive,” his partner announced. But her mind was getting cloudier, the ether beginning to take hold. “Let’s load her up before someone comes to check on her.” She struggled, but they held her tighter, pressing the cloth firmly over her nose and mouth.
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MINUTES LATER, ORPHEUS WATCHED as his prize was bundled into the carriage. His lover sat beside him, studying the woman, who had at last slipped into unconsciousness.
“She’s nothing much to look at,” his lover said sourly.
“I can’t imagine both of you desiring her that much to go to this amount of trouble.”
“She’s worth more to me than you can imagine.”
“What now, my love?”
Orpheus smiled and thought how close he was to fulfilling his revenge. “Alynwick. He’s the next piece in the plan. Bring him to me.”
THE FRANTIC RAPPING on the front door pulled Iain’s gaze from the bottom of his Scotch glass. Since leaving Elizabeth he had been steadily drinking himself into oblivion. His heart hurt. His soul ached, and no amount of drink would erase from his memory the image of Beth, and the expression in her eyes. The knowledge of what once might have been his, now gone. The woman of his dreams, a child they had made. How foolish and cowardly he had been to give them up.
“My lord,” Sutherland began, “a good night’s sleep will make things better.”
“I can’t sleep,” he muttered, pouring more Scotch.
“I’ve ruined it, Sutherland. The whole bloody thing.”
“Lasses can bedevil a man, right enough. But that lass,” his valet said, clapping him on his good shoulder and squeezing, “she’s got a good sensible head on her shoulders. She’ll soon realize that the truth of the past doesna need to become the truth of the present.”
“You didn’t see the expression in her eyes,” he muttered, draining the glass. “I killed whatever faith she might have left in me. I showed her a glimpse inside the BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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true man, and she was horrified and disgusted by what she saw.”
Sutherland was about to speak, when Iain’s butler burst into the library. Behind him, a hysterical Maggie shoved him aside.
“What have you done with her, you devil?” she cried, flinging herself toward Iain.
“Here now,” Sutherland murmured, reaching her first and holding her arms at her sides. “You’re like a bee in a gale, lass.”
“Unhand me this instant, you barbarian!” Maggie commanded. Sutherland merely arched his eyebrows.
“And who would you be, lass, ordering me about?”
“Margaret Farley, companion and confidante of Lady Elizabeth York.”
The Scotch had dulled his reflexes, but suddenly Iain stood, the hairs on his nape rising in alarm. Maggie was dressed in her bedclothes, with a cloak hastily thrown over them. She looked as though she had just dragged herself out of bed, and why not? It was barely six in the morning, not quite dawn even.
“Maggie?” he asked, confusion clouding his mind.
“Where have you hidden her?” she accused.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“You came to her, ravished her, broke her heart, and now she’s gone. What have you done to her?” He was stone sober when he reached Maggie and took her by her shoulders. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“There now,” Sutherland grunted, pulling him away from the woman. “That’s no way to treat a lady, my lord.” Maggie sent Sutherland a glare, then dropped her hands on her hips and narrowed her gaze at Iain. “You know exactly what I mean. You took her from her home.
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You’re keeping her, no doubt, for some nefarious pleasure of your own.”
“Beth’s gone.” Iain found Sutherland’s face swimming before him. Reaching for the corner of his desk, he gripped it, tried to muddle through the slush in his mind. “My God, she’s gone. Taken.”
“You mean you don’t have her?”
“That’s what he’s been trying to say, woman,” Sutherland grunted. “Now, Sinclair, let’s think this through. We know who has her, don’t we? There really can be only one person. Let’s formulate a plan, call in Black. Don’t do anything rash—”
But Iain was in motion, barking out orders to footmen for his carriage, pulling out a box containing his duelling pistols and a set of knives, which he thrust into his greatcoat that hung on the back of the chair. “I’m off, Sutherland. Return to Sussex House and watch over Maggie and the other servants. Perhaps a ransom note will arrive. If it does, I want to know.”
“Too rash, my lord. You’re going off half-cocked.” Iain whirled on him. “The woman I love is gone. Taken God knows where. She’s blind,” he hissed, fear making him strong and vengeful. “She won’t even know where she is or who has her. She’ll be in the dark, alone, frightened. She might be hurt, or God above, something worse, and I’m not going to sit here wasting time, wringing my hands and trying to think of my next step. I’m leaving, Sutherland, whether you believe it a cockamamy idea or n
ot.”
“Where will you go?”
“The House of Orpheus, where else?”
“Alone?”
“I don’t have time to wait on others, Sutherland. I mean to find Beth— now. ” BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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“Send word of your whereabouts, my lord, so I can ensure your safety. Shall I inform Black?”
“Yes. He’ll want to keep Isabella protected. And I’ll need his help—but I’ll not wait for it now. Tell him to meet up with me at Orpheus, or Sussex House.”
“Watch yer back. And keep a cool head. Your lass won’t appreciate you dead.”
After running down the steps, his coat heavy with weapons, Iain jumped up into the carriage, aware that for the first time in his life he tasted the true meaning of terror.
GONE. THE CLUB had been emptied out. The bedrooms he had seen when he had last been there were bare, stripped to the walls and floor. With his pistol pulled, Iain pointed it as he entered each room, prepared to shoot and kill. But there was no one there. The place was deserted.
Making his way over to the wall with the hidden door, he bent down, pistol pointed, and entered the hall where he had last seen Nigel Lasseter disappear. This time there were no guards to stop him, and he entered the chamber that Lasseter had used. The stench of mildew and dirt assaulted him, and he noticed a pile of filthy clothes that had been tossed into a corner. Men’s clothes, he saw, as he used the toe of his boot to sift through them. Glanc-ing up, he realized that this room had not been emptied like the others. A dresser and dressing table remained.
Iain began a systematic search of all the drawers.
Nothing. If Lasseter had Elizabeth, she was not being held here. Lasseter was gone, and with him all traces of his whereabouts.
“Well, a man cannot just disappear into thin air,” he muttered. He might enjoy acting the part of a mysterious magi, but the fact was Lasseter was a flesh-and-blood BOUND GALLEY EDITION March 23, 2012
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Brethen 03 - Temptation & Twilight Page 34