by Dan Gutman
“Chillax,” I replied.
“Okay, Ella Mentry School started round one,” said Mr. Porky, “so Dirk School will start round two. Ready?”
“Ready!” Morgan shouted. Tommy picked his nose.
“Name a president who won a Grammy Award,” said Mr. Porky.
“Bill Clinton!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Ella Mentry, which president proclaimed the first Thanksgiving?”
“George Washington!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president worked at Baskin-Robbins and collected Spider-Man comics?”
“Barack Obama!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Who was the first president to live in the White House?”
“John Adams!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Whose face is on the five-thousand-dollar bill?”
There’s a five-thousand-dollar bill?*
“James Madison!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Besides Presidents’ Day, what other holidays fall in February?” asked Mr. Porky.
“Super Bowl Sunday!” I shouted. Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
“I’ll give that one to you,” said Mr. Porky. “I was thinking of Valentine’s Day and Groundhog Day. Dirk, who was the shortest president?”
“James Madison!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “He was only five feet four inches tall. Ella Mentry, which president was shot a year before Abraham Lincoln?”
I looked at Andrea. She shrugged her shoulders.
“Uh . . . it was . . .”
“Time’s up,” said Mr. Porky. “It was Abraham Lincoln. Another trick question. He was riding a horse when a shot rang out. It didn’t hit him, but the bullet hole went through his hat.”
“I knew that!” Andrea said, pounding the table.
“Dirk School,” said Mr. Porky. “When Washington became president, how many real teeth were in his mouth?”
“One!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had grizzly bear cubs that lived in a cage on the White House lawn?”
“Thomas Jefferson!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “What treat did James Madison’s wife, Dolley, serve at his inauguration ball?”
“Ice cream!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had a bullet in his shoulder for most of his life?”
“James Monroe!” shouted Andrea. “He was shot during the Revolutionary War.”
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Name three presidents who died on the Fourth of July.”
“John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky.
“WOW,” I said, which is “MOM” upside down. I had lost track of the score, but Morgan and Andrea really knew their stuff. I was pretty much useless to our team, and Tommy just sat there picking his nose. Mr. Porky continued.
“Which president used to go swimming naked in the Potomac River?”
“John Quincy Adams!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president was only president for a month?”
“William Henry Harrison!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had the most children?”
“John Tyler!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “How many children did John Tyler have?”
“Fifteen!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Where did Abraham Lincoln store his mail, his bankbook, and important papers?”
“In his hat!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Who was the first president to have a telephone in the White House?”
“Rutherford B. Hayes!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Who installed Rutherford B. Hayes’s telephone?”
“Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “What was Rutherford B. Hayes’s phone number?”
“It was one!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president owned eighty pairs of pants?”
“Chester A. Arthur!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Who was the first president to ride in a car?”
“William McKinley!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president is responsible for the invention of the teddy bear?”
“Teddy Roosevelt!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president, legend has it, got stuck in a White House bathtub?”
“William Taft!” shouted Morgan. “He weighed over three hundred pounds.”
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had a flock of sheep mow the White House lawn?”
“Woodrow Wilson!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had the biggest feet?”
“Warren Harding,” shouted Morgan. “Size fourteen!”
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Name the presidents who were elected in 1860 and 1960.”
“Lincoln and Kennedy!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had a secretary named Kennedy?”
“Lincoln!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had a secretary named Lincoln?”
“Kennedy!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Name the two presidents who had vice presidents named Johnson.”
That would be “Lincoln and Kennedy!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Doesn’t that take the cake?”
What did cake have to do with anything? Why is everybody always talking about cake?
“Which president had a bowling alley installed in the White House?”
“Harry S. Truman!” shouted Andrea.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Which president worked as a fashion model and appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine?”
“Gerald Ford!” shouted Morgan.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “And who makes the best pork sausages?”
“Porky’s!” we all shouted.
“Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Okay, that’s the end of round two. Whew! That was intense! Let’s all take a deep breath, and then I’ll tally up the points.”
The audience clapped and cheered for a million hundred seconds. Finally, Mr. Porky looked up from his score sheet.
“The scores are . . . Dirk School thirty-eight points and Ella Mentry School thirty-three points. Dirk has a five-point lead going into the final round.”
All the Dirk kids started hooting and hollering. Morgan Brocklebank sneered at me and made the L sign with her fingers. Andrea looked really mad.
“We’re losing,” she said to me. “And it’s all because of you, Arlo! Don’t you know anything? I can’t carry the team all by myself.”
I wanted to say something mean to Andrea, but how could I? She was right. I didn’t know anything. We were getting crushed, and it was my fault.
I wanted to go run away to Antarctica and live with the penguins. Penguins don’t have to know about the presidents. I’m not even sure if Antarctica has a president.
This was the worst day of my life.
“Okay, it all comes down to round three,” announced Mr. Porky. “This last question is for both teams. Write your answer on the sheet of paper in front of you. It’s worth six points.”
“Ooooooh!” everybody oooooohed.
“Dirk has a five-point lead,” continued Mr. Porky. “So if both teams get this question right, Dirk wins. If both teams get it wrong, Dirk also wins. If Dirk gets it right and Ella Mentry gets it wrong, Dirk still wins. But if Dirk gets it wrong and Ella Mentry gets it right, Ella Mentr
y wins. Does everybody understand?”
“Yes,” I lied.
“We have to get this one right, Arlo,” Andrea whispered to me.
“Okay,” said Mr. Porky. “This one is for all the marbles.”
Marbles? What did marbles have to do with anything?
“Get ready to lose, losers!” said Morgan Brocklebank, rubbing her hands together. “This will be the icing on the cake.”
Why is everybody always talking about marbles and cake? Was the winning team going to get marble cake? I was confused.
In the audience, nobody was making a sound. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. That is, if anybody had brought pins with them. That would be weird. But everybody was on the edge of their seats.
Well, not really. There might have been a few little kids on the edge of their seats, but most normal-size people were just sitting in the middle of their seats.
Anyway, it was really tense. Andrea picked up our pencil and got ready to write the answer.
“Okay, here’s your final question,” said Mr. Porky. “And before I give it to you, let me just say that Porky’s Pork Sausages will be on sale at your local supermarket next week.”
Everybody laughed even though he didn’t say anything funny.
“Okay, here’s the final question,” said Mr. Porky, reading from a card. “My birthday was January seventeenth. My wife was named Deborah. I played the violin, the harp, and the guitar. I was a slave owner. I died when I was eighty-four years old. Who am I? You have thirty seconds.”
That annoying music from the TV show Jeopardy! started playing.* I looked at Andrea.
“Do you know who it is?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “Do you?”
“No.”
“Of course you don’t,” Andrea said. “You didn’t know any of the answers.”
I looked over at the Dirk dorks. They were whispering to each other.
“Twenty seconds left,” said Mr. Porky.
“You’re the smart one,” I whispered to Andrea. “You memorized the encyclopedia. You keep a dictionary on your desk at school. Your parents got a tutor to teach you all about the presidents. How can you not know the answer?”
“I just don’t, okay?” Andrea whispered back angrily. “You’re part of this team too, you know. You were supposed to help, Arlo. Maybe if you weren’t making paper airplanes and goofing off all week, you would know the answer!”
“Fifteen seconds left,” said Mr. Porky. The dumb Jeopardy! song was still playing.
“Why are we wasting time arguing?” I whispered to Andrea. “We should be trying to come up with the answer.”
I saw Morgan Brocklebank write something on her paper. She and Tommy probably knew the answer. They were going to win. We had nothing.
“Ten seconds left,” said Mr. Porky.
“Any ideas?” I whispered to Andrea.
“No!” she replied angrily. “Just write down any president, Arlo. I don’t care anymore. We lost. It’s over. Thanks for nothing!”
Andrea looked like she was going to cry. I had never seen her like that. She always wins at everything.
“Five seconds left,” said Mr. Porky.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast. I was concentrating so hard that my brain hurt.
That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
But I’m not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter.
I grabbed the pencil out of Andrea’s hand and quickly wrote my answer on the paper. That dumb Jeopardy! song ended.
“Okay, pencils down,” said Mr. Porky. “Dirk, you go first. I’ll repeat the question. My birthday was January seventeenth. My wife was named Deborah. I played the violin, the harp, and the guitar. I was a slave owner. I died when I was eighty-four years old. Who am I?”
Morgan Brocklebank held up her piece of paper. It said ANDREW JOHNSON on it.
“No, sorry,” said Mr. Porky. “That is incorrect.”
“Ohhhhhhhh,” groaned the Dirk half of the audience. Morgan pounded the table with her fist.
“Dirk still wins if the Ella Mentry team gets it wrong,” said Mr. Porky. “Ella Mentry, what is your answer?”
Everybody in the audience was glued to their seats. Well, not really. That would be weird. Why would anybody glue themselves to a seat? How would they get the glue off their pants?
But everyone was looking at me. I held up my piece of paper. It said BENJAMIN FRANKLIN on it.
“Benjamin Franklin wasn’t a president, dumbhead!” Andrea yelled at me. She was furious. “I can’t believe it! How could you make that same mistake again?”
“BENJAMIN FRANKLIN IS CORRECT!” shouted Mr. Porky. “It was a trick question! I never said the person was a president! Ella Mentry School is the winner!”
Everybody in the all-porpoise room started yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering and freaking out. All my friends rushed up onstage to give me high fives. Andrea said she was sorry for calling me a dumbhead. It was the greatest moment of my life.*
I looked over at Morgan Brocklebank. She was furious.
“We only studied the presidents!” she shouted. “It’s not fair!”
She looked like she was going to cry. I almost felt sorry for her. I went over to her and said these five immortal words . . .
“Nah-nah-nah boo-boo!”
The Presidents’ Day Challenge was such a success that our whole class got to go to DizzyLand. We went on all the rides. I almost threw up three or four times. It was awesome.
One of the coolest parts of DizzyLand is the Wall of Presidents. It’s an exhibit with life-size statues of all the presidents. The coolest part is that they’re robots. So they can nod their heads, wave their hands, and even give speeches. The president robots look really real.
The Abraham Lincoln robot was giving his speech when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Lincoln is Emily’s favorite president, and I guess she got a little too close to him, because the statue started to topple over. It fell against President Truman. Truman bumped into President Nixon, and Nixon knocked over President Grant.
The next thing we knew, the rest of the presidents were going down like dominoes. We got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!
“Watch out!” shouted Alexia.
“Help! The presidents are attacking!” shouted Ryan.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.
In the end, the president robot statues were all over the floor and we had to crawl out from under them. That was weird.
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Millard Fillmore will flush his toilet. Maybe grown-ups will stop saying blah blah blah blah all the time. Maybe President Bush will stop throwing up on people. Maybe Porky’s Pork Sausages will get a new jingle. Maybe President Obama will go back to scooping ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. Maybe President Taft will go on Weight Watchers. Maybe next year we’ll figure out a way to knock February off the calendar.
But it won’t be easy!
Oh, I almost forgot! We got another prize for winning the Presidents’ Day Challenge. Besides bragging rights, a year’s supply of Porky’s Pork Sausages, and the trip to DizzyLand, there was that secret prize.
But I’m not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
It was cake.*
WEIRD EXTRAS!
Professor Andrea’s Presidents’ Day Facts
Fun Games and Weird Word Puzzles
My Weird School Trivia Questions
The World of Dan Gutman Checklist
PROFESSOR ANDREA’S PRESIDENTS’ DAY FACTS
Hi, everybody! Andrea here.
Arlo really helped us win the Presidents’ Day Challenge, but he got lucky. The truth is that he doesn’t know anything about the presidents. Or about anything else.
Me, I know lots of stuff.
I’m going to Harvard when I’m older. So I thought I’d take this opportunity to teach you how to learn new stuff. It’s easy and it’s fun too.
Let’s say you want to learn more about the presidents, or any other subject. The first place you should go is your local public library. If you don’t know where it is, the library is that big building in the center of town that says PUBLIC LIBRARY on the front. Duh! Some of the older ones even say PVBLIC LIBRARY. Arlo would say nobody knows why. But I looked it up. In Latin, the letter that is our V was used for the U sound. Isn’t that interesting?
Anyway, once you’re in the library, go to the nonfiction section and look for number 923.1. That’s part of the Dewey decimal system. A number will be on the spine of all the nonfiction books. Every library uses this system, and every topic in the world has its own number. When you get to 923.1, you’re going to see books about the presidents.
Well, that is unless somebody like me checked them all out already. But you should be able to put a book on reserve. The librarian can help you with that. Librarians are really nice people who know lots of things. Maybe I’ll be a librarian after I graduate from Harvard.
Let’s say the president books in your public library are all checked out, or your public library is really far away. Is there a bookstore nearby? They don’t organize the shelves by the Dewey decimal system, but they probably have books about the presidents too. If you can’t find them on the shelf, ask somebody in the children’s department. They should be able to find some for you or order them for you.
And of course, you can also search for books on any topic at online bookstores. The printed books can be delivered right to your door, or ebooks can be sent electronically to your electronic reader. It’s like magic!
Speaking of going online, you can find tons of information about the presidents there. You don’t even have to read a book. Just go to Google or any other search engine and type in the topic you want to learn more about. Type “Presidents.” Or “Weird facts about the presidents.” Or “Weird facts about Abraham Lincoln.” Trust me, hundreds of websites are going to come up. You might be sitting at the computer all day.