by Leah Konen
PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may be obtained from the Library of Congress.
ISBN: 978-1-4197-2193-9
eISBN 978-1-6131-2133-7
Produced by Alloy Entertainment
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New York, NY 10019
www.alloyentertainment.com
Text copyright © 2016 Alloy Entertainment and Leah Konen Jacket and interior illustrations copyright © 2016 Jordan Sondler Book design by Alyssa Nassner
Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher
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this book is dedicated to all the
romantics out there, you know who you are.
never stop believing.
(the rest of us depend on your optimism.)
Love’s notes
No, not love notes. Love in the possessive. I.e., notes from me.
I am Love. Your trusty narrator. Frequently referenced, usually misunderstood. Often imitated, never duplicated—that kind of thing.
That’s why I’m here—ditching my cloak of mystery, talking to you straight—to tell you a love story. A real love story—one that actually involves me.
Before we get started, a few guidelines. A handbook, if you will—to the ways of Love.
Rule Number One:
I will never ask you to ingest poison, fall on your lover’s sword, become a subhuman species, wage war, or generally cause yourself or others bodily harm. That’s the stuff of books and stories, not the real deal.
Rule Number Two:
I may not give much warning. It is quite possible that I’m right around the corner and you have no idea. Sometimes even I don’t know where I’ll be next—I’m Love, not some all-knowing god.
Rule Number Three:
I cannot prevent you from going after the wrong person. In fact, it is quite possible that you think you’ve found me when you haven’t.
People manage to see me in the most ridiculous of places: in a stolen kiss with your best friend’s boyfriend; in the soft words of the model-esque boy asking you to lose it on his basement couch. But this is True Love, you say—cue the music, soften the lighting, slap on a filter that makes you both look all dreamy and romantic!
Sorry to disappoint, but a lot of the time, that’s not really me.
I refer you back to Rule Number One. Romeo and Juliet; Arthur, Lancelot, and Guinevere; Marc Antony and Cleopatra; Bella and Edward—history and literature are full of examples of people who have made bad decisions in the name of, well, me.
Look, humans make a lot of mistakes. I don’t. Just trust me on this one.
I’m asking you to forget everything you know about True Love. The real kind doesn’t make you selfish and shortsighted. Real love makes you better than you ever knew you could be.
So, how do you find me? Well, I’m actually the one who finds you. See below.
Rule Number Four:
I will be in your life at one point or another.
This is my promise to you, no matter if you have sparkling green eyes or a face full of acne. No matter if you live in a Paris apartment overlooking the Seine or in rural Indiana overlooking cows. When it’s your turn, I’ll be there. And I will help you, if you let me.
Rule Number Five:
I cannot control you—or the Harry Styles lookalike in your calculus class. When it comes to the important stuff, it’s all on you.
That said, I’ve been known to give little, yet effective, nudges.
Rule Number Six:
Sometimes my timing is tricky.
Take Gael Brennan. He’s a serious type, a kid with a plan. A Romeo, convinced he’s found his Juliet. A high school senior in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, who has no earthly idea what’s in store for him.
He’s about to lose his faith in me. And what I hate to admit is that said faith-losing is at least partially my fault, if you can believe it. I know, I know, I said I don’t make mistakes.
And I don’t.
Well, I didn’t.
But I’m going to do everything in my power to make this right.
Because there’s a reason dear Gael needs me in his life. A big one. And let’s just say it’s not so he’ll have someone to take to prom.
Of course, half the fun of my job is the challenge. Which brings me to—
Rule Number Seven:
I am allowed to get creative.
Before you protest, let me assure you that, as promised in Rule Number Five, human free will remains intact. I can’t force people to do anything. I don’t have a pouch full of arrows or a curio full of potions.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my ways . . .
throwback to the first “i love you”
Gael bit at his thumb as Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds ended in a shot of a landscape awash with feathers.
“Did you like it?” he asked Anika nervously. It was entirely possible—likely, even—that she hadn’t. Sure, they’d already rented Vertigo, which she’d enjoyed. And she’d seen Psycho on her own, but he’d always thought those were easier to like. The Birds was just so much weirder. Of course, Anika was pretty weird herself. But still.
“I did.” Anika smiled, eating the last of the fun-size Snickers bars she always pilfered when she came over and squeezing closer to him on the couch. They were cuddled up in the basement-slash-entertainment room, a comfy, ugly space with wood paneling, faded posters, a discolored rug that had somehow survived his dad’s college dorm, and a huge flat-screen TV. It was the only place that had escaped his mom’s meticulous decorating, holding none of the charm of the rooms upstairs, and yet it was Gael’s favorite.
“I mean, you may have overhyped it a tad,” Anika continued, pursing her lips. “But I’d expect nothing less.” She smiled, and Gael allowed himself to take her in: her dark glossy hair pinned into thick braids around the crown of her head—looking like some kind of badass milkmaid; her wide-open eyes that grew two sizes bigger when she was being funny or making a point; her tiny, unassuming mouth. She was a perfect, beautiful girl, who was also offbeat enough to love this movie (almost) as much as he did.
The word love stuck in Gael’s mind like a peanut butter sandwich to the roof of his mouth. So delicious and at the same time so uncomfortable. (Or so I’m told. From my position in the world, I don’t exactly get to indulge in many PB&Js.)
It was September 18, one month to the day since they’d first kissed, something he would have made a big deal of, except Anika had gone on and on about how annoying it was when her best friend, Jenna, kept them posted on her relationship length just about every week.
He knew a month was fast to say it. And yet it felt so natural, so right.
Gael held her tighter as Anika nuzzled into his chest. Her body felt warm and soft against his. He and his family had spent countl
ess hours watching movies on this ratty basement couch, but since his dad had moved out, he’d been watching them almost exclusively in his room. With Anika, it somehow felt okay to be down here again. There would always be the pang of what used to be, but now there was at least the promise of what could be, too.
Gael ran his hand over her braids as his eyes flitted to the clock on the Blu-ray player. It was past 9:30, and her curfew was ten on weekdays. Anika wasn’t exactly the type to care much about curfew, but Gael was the type to want to show her parents how much he respected their rules.
Anika looked up at him mischievously. “Not exactly the most romantic movie.” She smirked. “Though I suppose more romantic than the Battlestar Galactica marathon I imposed on you last week.” She didn’t drop her gaze. “I guess we’ll just have to make up for it.”
Anika ran her hands through his hair, her fingertips on his scalp making him shiver, and then pulled his lips to meet hers. Her kisses were fast and insistent, and in seconds, she was on his lap, straddling him on the couch.
Gael pulled away. “Hold on.” Those pivotal three words burned in the back of his throat, where they’d been lodged for the past few days. Anika had already told him she had to study tomorrow night and wouldn’t be able to come over, which meant that if he didn’t say them soon, he’d have to wait another forty-eight hours.
And for a Romantic1 like Gael, that was an unbearably long time.
Anika gave him a playful peck of a kiss. “Why? I promise I’m not a maniacal seagull in disguise.” She kissed him again, then raised an eyebrow. “Or am I?”
Gael laughed, then rested his hands on her hips and tried to ignore the urgency in his pants. Anika’s face was flushed. She looked so startlingly beautiful, he knew that he couldn’t not say it now.
“I wanted to tell you something,” he said.
“That you’re a maniacal seagull in disguise? I’m cool with it.” She pulled him back toward her, clearly uninterested in talking.
He kissed her for a second and then pulled back again.
He felt like he was going to throw up, but in the best possible way. He felt a tingling in the tips of his fingers. He felt that he could do this right, even if his parents couldn’t. He wondered how long it had been since he’d blinked. He knew it was now or never. (I, for one, prepared for what I knew would, inevitably, follow.)
“I just wanted to say that I love you.”
I caught the flash of panic as it started across Anika’s face, and I sent a strong gust of wind whipping through the tiny basement window. It tickled the edges of a Pokémon poster tacked precariously over the couch with years-old Scotch tape. In an instant, the poster fell on top of them.
Gael batted the poster away. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Anika said quickly.
As I’d hoped, Anika took advantage of the interruption to compose her face. The panic was gone.
It was only then that Gael realized she hadn’t said it back.
“No pressure to reciprocate or whatever. I know it’s only been a month . . . it’s just that, well, I felt I had to say it.”
Anika nodded.
“You’re not super weirded out, are you?” Gael stared at the tattered poster on the couch beside them, Pikachu’s frenzied, cheerful eyes gazing back. He forced himself to stop biting the inside of his cheek and picked at his thumbnail instead.
Anika hesitated an agonizing moment, but then she grabbed his chin, tilted his face back to hers.
“No.” She kissed him long and deep. When she broke away, she was smiling again. “I’ll see you this weekend, okay?”
Gael swore he saw hints of love in her eyes.
And I swore, too—because he never would have jumped in so quickly if it hadn’t been for my mistake.
It wasn’t go-time yet, but I knew that very soon I’d have to put my plan into action.
I couldn’t wait.
* * *
1. Romantic: One who ruthlessly believes in love in its finest form and impresses those feelings onto his or her various relationships. May result in scaring off partners, falling for the wrong person, and desperately trying to turn life into a movie with glamorous Old Hollywood actors. May also result in some of the best, most inspiring, and deepest relationships around.
the second-worst day of gael’s life
Even though Gael was lugging his huge tenor sax, his steps felt light as he headed to the band room before school.
It was Tuesday, October 2—two weeks exactly since Gael told Anika he loved her (yes, he was counting). The leaves were beginning to turn and the temperature was starting to drop. Everything was as it should be: The world had not imploded due to his premature declaration.
Sure, Anika may not have said the words back yet, but she seemed to say it in other ways: when she texted him last thing before she went to sleep; when she reminded him of the AP calculus homework whenever he forgot to write it down; when she laced her fingers in his and gave his hand the tiniest squeeze . . .
(Difficult truth time: If people want to say “I love you” back, they will.)
Gael and Anika sometimes drove to school together, but she told him yesterday that all week she’d be getting there a half an hour early to practice her flute—she was going for first chair and the tryouts were on Friday. Today, however, he’d decided to surprise her and drive in early himself—and with flowers, no less. Red carnations. Anika loved red.
Gael crossed the mostly empty parking lot and headed through the courtyard and the back double doors, whose squeaks seemed extra loud in the morning quiet. The school felt weirdly calm this early. The hallways looked bigger in the absence of people; the lockers were all uniformly shut. Footprints in the dusty linoleum provided the only proof that hundreds of kids were normally packed in. Gael headed toward the main hallway and took a right toward the band room, flowers proudly in hand, but the bright, cluttered space held only a couple of guys on trumpet—no Anika. Gael put his sax away, adjusted the straps of his backpack, and looked at his watch. He was sure she said she’d be here by now, and he wondered if maybe she’d left something in the car.
Gael’s steps were still light as he headed back through the double doors and traipsed across the concrete to the parking lot. It was brisk but sunny, a good day to be in love and do something nice for your girlfriend.
Anika’s car was a few rows behind his—a beat-up butter-yellow Volvo that suited her perfectly—but she wasn’t in it.
By the time he got back to the band room—where Anika still wasn’t—more people were arriving and the halls were slowly and sleepily coming to life. He decided to try her locker.
Gael spotted her from down the hall. Her hair was down: long and loose and wavy. Anika’s ever-changing hair was one of the things that delighted Gael most about her.
As he picked up the pace, he saw someone standing behind Anika. Tall and muscly, with wide goofy eyes, shaggy hair, and a slightly slouched posture—Mason, Gael’s best friend. Mason never got to school early. He was normally five to ten minutes late to first period and somehow got away with it because he was Mason, and everyone loved Mason.
Mason and Anika were looking at each other as Anika shut the door to her locker. She was so focused on him that she didn’t even see Gael standing just a few feet away.
Gael had never been in a car wreck, but it was exactly how people described it—everything slowed down, all the details stood out—the time on the clock and the auto-tuned voice on the radio and the drawn-out screech before the crunch of aluminum and the smell of burning rubber and the flash of white.
That’s how it was when his parents had told him they were separating.
And that’s how it was now.
There was the slam of other lockers, clacking one after another; there were the piercing shrieks of a group of freshman girls; and there were Gael’s eyes locked on Mason, as Mason leaned in, slowly, surely, and directly—like the swing of a pendulum going farther than it ever had before—and
kissed Anika right on the lips.
(For what it’s worth, I’d tried to soften the blow for dear Gael. The fifteen-minute warning bell rang exactly twelve seconds earlier than it should have, and at about twice its usual volume. But it didn’t make a difference. Anika and Mason couldn’t take their eyes off each other.)
After countless agonizing seconds of kissing, Anika pulled back and said, “Stop it. I didn’t talk to Gael yet.”
Gael’s body was rigid, and the words were out of his mouth almost without his control. “I’m right here.”
Anika and Mason whipped around like misbehaving schoolchildren.
“Gael,” Anika blurted out. “What are you doing here? You’re never here this early.”
“Neither is he.” Gael spit the words at his friend. “I came to surprise you.”
“Oh,” she said, looking down at the flowers in Gael’s hand. They were pointed at the floor, like even they had lost hope—Gael instantly felt ridiculous. He opened his backpack and shoved them in—he couldn’t look at them anymore.
Mason shifted on his huge, long legs. “Listen, man . . .”
Anika snapped into action. “Gael, we should probably talk alone.”
Mason hesitated, but then Anika narrowed her eyes at him and drew her lips together just like she did when she wanted Gael to stop talking about classic movies—apparently, the wordless language Gael and Anika shared belonged to Mason now.
Mason nodded and shuffled away. Part of Gael wanted to chase after him, grab him, ask him what the hell he thought he was doing with her, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Anika.
She took a deep breath, running her finger along the top slat of her locker. Then, fixing her eyes on him and holding his gaze, she gave him her “let’s talk” face. It was one of the things Gael liked about her most, how serious she could be. Anika had gumption. Not a lot of high school girls had gumption.
Enough gumption to cheat on her boyfriend with his best friend, Gael wondered.
“What is going on?” he asked. “Are you, like, with Mason now? Are you joking?” To his embarrassment, he realized his voice was trembling.