I spotted Mom right away. She sat at the end of the hallway on a long wooden bench. Her hair had been pulled up into a clean, neat ponytail, and she was sitting the way she always did when she was thinking deeply about something, with both elbows resting on her knees, and her chin in her hands.
Margery saw her, too, and tapped me on the shoulder. “I’m going to call the secretary at the vet’s office,” she said. “See if she’s heard anything yet.” She disappeared out the door again, already pressing her cell phone to her ear.
“Fred?”
I turned back around to see Mom getting up slowly from the bench. She looked smaller than I remembered. Maybe a little bit skinnier.
“Mom!” The word stuck in my throat as I raced toward her. She caught me in a hug and squeezed me tight. I closed my eyes as her baby-powder smell drifted over me, and everything I’d been missing came rushing back to me, all at once. Home. I was home.
I held on to her tightly, burying my face in her neck. Her arms were warm around me, and she sniffled in my ear.
“Look at you!” she said finally, stepping away to hold me at arm’s length. “I leave you for a month, and you’re all grown up!”
“You look good, too, Mom.”
“I feel good.” She ran her palms up and down my arms. “I feel great, actually. I just can’t wait to get you home, Fred. I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me too.” I squeezed her hands.
“Did you bring all your stuff with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your clothes and things.” Mom glanced behind me. “We’ll probably be able to walk home together after the hearing.”
“Today?” I wasn’t sure what the clutching sensation in my chest meant, but I tried to ignore it.
“Yes!” Mom hopped up and down a little. “I can’t wait until you see your side of the bedroom, honey. I’ve done it all up special. It’s a surprise. You’re going to love it.”
“Oh.” I nodded uncertainly. “Wow, okay. Thanks.”
“Fred?” Mom tilted her head. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on.” Mom straightened her head again. “This is me you’re talking to. What’s the matter?”
I kept my eyes on the floor. There was no way to tell her I was thinking about Toby. That I wanted—no, needed—to be there to make sure he was okay. That everyone needed someone to take care of them once in a while. Dogs and kids and even grown-ups.
“Honey?” Mom reached out and grabbed my hand. “You want to come back home with me today, don’t you?”
“Of course I do,” I said too quickly. “I just …”
“Just what?”
I stared at the floor, trying to force the words that were climbing up the back of my throat out of my mouth.
“Fred, talk to me.” Mom lifted my chin with her fingers. “Please, honey. You’re scaring me by not saying anything. Please just let it out. Whatever it is.”
“I was just wondering.” I glanced at her quickly and then looked away again. “Do you think …” I stopped, biting my lip.
“Do I think what?” Mom encouraged.
I took a breath. “Do you think maybe you’d consider going to rehab first?”
Mom lowered my hand so slowly that I didn’t even know she’d let go of it until it hit the front of my leg. “Who told you I needed rehab?”
“No one.” I shook my head. “Well, Carmella did, actually.”
“Who’s Carmella?”
“The lady. You know. From Children and Youth Services. She said they’d offered it to you at your sentencing, but you said no.” I fingered one of the buttons on my coat, still unable to meet her eyes. “I just … I mean, it’s something you haven’t tried before, so …”
“I haven’t tried it before because I haven’t needed it.” Mom’s voice was soft. Dangerous. “Fred, if I needed it, I’d go. I would!” She took my hand again. “Honey, I don’t feel well sometimes, but it’s not as bad as you think. And it’s definitely not the problem everyone is making it out to be. I swear to you.” She took a deep, trembling breath. “This has been the hardest month of my life, sweetheart. I’m not joking. I didn’t think I was going to make it through without you.”
“But you did.” I lifted my eyes. “You did, Mom.”
“Barely!” Her eyes filled with tears. “I was hanging on by a thread, waiting for today. For this moment.” She pressed my hand with her fingers. “You’re my whole world, sweetie. My everything. Please, let’s go in there and tell that to the judge so we can get out of this place and go home again. Want to?”
My head moved up and down.
“Yes?” Mom bent her knees so that she was looking up at me. “Is that a yes?”
I blinked. How could I possibly tell her no? She needed me. “Yes,” I said, sliding her hand inside mine. “Yes, okay.”
Carmella arrived a few minutes later. She ushered us into a big room with red carpeting and rich caramel-colored walls. A rectangular table filled up most of the space, and several chairs had been placed around it. In the middle of the table was a black phone with a wall of buttons running up and down one side. Next to the phone, lying on its side, was a tiny rubber figurine of a Smurf. I wondered why it was there, what had happened to the kid who’d left it behind.
“The judge will sit across from us,” Carmella said, pointing with her finger. “You sit here on this side, Fred. And your mother will sit over there on the left.” Mom did as Carmella instructed, sliding into a chair behind the table and folding her hands in her lap. She looked scared, I thought. Scared, and small, and uncertain. I reached out and grabbed her hand. She startled a little and then smiled at me, bringing my hand to her lips before letting go again.
Margery and Carmella took their seats on the other side of me. I noticed Mom glance at Margery hesitantly, but Margery didn’t return the look. After another moment, a man in a black robe bustled into the room. He looked like somebody’s grandfather, with white hair that stuck out from the inside of his ears, and a large, fleshy nose. I could see the top of his green tie sticking out from under his robe, which was buttoned up all the way to the top, and a gold wedding band shone on his finger.
“Have a seat, please,” he said, nodding at all of us. “I’m Judge Markoff. I’ll be presiding over the dependency hearing today.” He opened a thin folder and scanned the papers inside. “Mrs. Rivers? Would you like to begin?”
“Yes, Judge.” Carmella fingered the top button on her shirt as she went over the events of the last several weeks. She didn’t leave out any details, telling Judge Markoff about my suspension from school on my first day, and how there hadn’t been any issues since. I kept my eyes glued to the little Smurf as she talked. I hadn’t known she’d been told about my suspension. It was almost like she was talking about someone else. A stranger.
“And you, Miss Dawson?” Judge Markoff looked at Margery as Carmella finished up. “No problems with Winifred in your home?”
“She likes to be called Fred.” Margery smiled. “And no, no problems. It’s been great having her. Really great.” She looked the judge straight in the eyes, her chin a sharp square.
“Terrific,” said Judge Markoff. “That’s what we like to hear.” He shifted his eyes toward Mom. “All right, then, Miss Collins. Your turn.” He glanced back down at the sheaf of papers in front of him. “It says here you were arrested for stealing pills from your workplace. And that you were given jail time because …” He glanced at another sheet. “Because the theft charge was your second offense?”
Second offense? The hair on the back of my neck prickled. Mom’s most recent charge was her only offense. I was sure of it. There’d never been another one. I glanced over at Mom, but she was staring into her lap.
“One charge of unlawful possession, and now the theft from your workplace,” Judge Markoff said, as if to jog Mom’s memory. “Your actions point to a deliberate lifestyle, Miss Collins.”
“But it’s not
the life I want to live anymore,” Mom burst out. “I promise! I’m making changes. I really am.”
Judge Markoff leaned back in his chair. “What kinds of changes?”
“I’m … I’m going to meetings,” Mom said. “You know, for people who struggle with … with these kinds of issues. And I’ve been totally clean now for over a month. I haven’t even wanted any of my pills. I’m through with all that. I really am.” She glanced desperately in my direction. “I just want my baby back.”
“And we want you to get her back,” the judge said. “Believe me, reuniting you with your daughter is our primary goal here. We just have to make sure she’s going back into a safe, healthy environment.” He glanced at something in the papers again. “It says here that you refused in-patient rehabilitation at your recent sentencing hearing. Can you tell me why?”
“I don’t need anything that drastic,” Mom said. “I’ve got a handle on this. I really do.”
“By going to your meetings?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever tried these meetings before?”
Mom dropped her eyes.
“Is that a yes, Miss Collins?”
Mom nodded.
“How many times?”
“Three,” Mom whispered. “Maybe four.”
“They obviously haven’t worked for you in the past.” Judge Markoff made a little steeple out of his hands, pressing the tips of his fingers together. “What makes you think they’ll work this time?”
“I …” Mom floundered for words and looked over at me. “Having Fred taken away from me this time was the wake-up call I needed. I’ll do whatever I need to do to make sure that never happens again.”
Judge Markoff looked at Mom for a long moment. Then he turned his attention to me. “Hi, Fred.”
I was staring so hard at Mom that hearing my name startled me. “Hi,” I said.
“What do you think of Lancaster?”
I glanced uncertainly at Carmella, who nodded. “It’s fine.”
“A little different from the city, eh?”
I nodded.
“You’re how old now, Fred?” Judge Markoff asked.
“Twelve.”
“How do you feel about going back to live with your mom?”
I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t even answer. I just nodded again.
“You seem a little hesitant.” Judge Markoff’s voice was so kind that it made my throat hurt. “Do you have any opinion on it at all?”
I started to shake my head and then stopped. I did have an opinion. But I was scared of what might happen if I said I did. And that made me afraid to say anything.
“Fred?” Judge Markoff said.
“I just want her to get better,” I heard myself say. “That’s all. I just want her to be okay.”
Judge Markoff didn’t say anything for a moment. When he did, his voice was softer. Deeper. “Fred, I’m going to ask you a question, and I need you to tell me the truth, no matter how difficult it might be. Have you, in the last six months, seen any other pills—aside from the prescription ones your mother takes for anxiety—at your house?”
It was here. The moment Mom had warned me about. And it was even worse than I’d imagined. My heart was beating so hard I could hear it in my ears, and a sour taste filled my mouth.
If you just wouldn’t mention anything about that part. I could hear Mom’s voice in the back of my head. Because it’ll change everything if you do, sweetie. Everything.
It would change everything.
Oh, I loved her so much. More than any other person on the planet. But I was pretty sure that I couldn’t fix her anymore. And I couldn’t keep trying to. The only person I could keep trying to fix was me. And maybe that started by telling the truth. Even if it felt like it might kill me to do it.
“Fred?” Judge Markoff was waiting.
Someone’s fingers closed around mine. Carmella. She gave them a little squeeze and then let go again.
“I’ve seen lots of empty bottles.” The words came out in a croak. “That didn’t belong to her.”
“Fred!” Mom stood up, her face pale. “Fred!”
The terror in her eyes was too much. I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. “I’m sorry,” I wailed. “Oh, Mom, I’m sorry.”
“I’ve heard enough.” Judge Markoff closed the file folder and ran his hands over the top of it. “I’m ordering the minor to stay in placement until such time as her mother seeks and completes alternative treatment.” He nodded at Mom. “I’d give some serious thought to considering in-patient rehab, Miss Collins, since the meetings you’ve been going to don’t seem to be having the needed effect on your well-being. We’ll revisit this case in sixty days to determine whether or not progress has been made. In the meantime, best of luck to you both.”
No one moved as Judge Markoff stood up and walked out of the room. For a long, long moment, no one said anything, either. Mom broke the stillness first. I peeked over as she shoved her purse strap onto her shoulder. She looked pale. Frightened.
“Mom.”
She straightened the edges of her collar and started moving toward the door.
“Mom!” I stood up so fast that my chair fell over. She stopped. Turned around. “You’ll go, right?” My voice was shaking. “To treatment? So we can be together again?”
She took a step toward me. Her gray eyes were as tired as old wool. She reached out and touched my cheek with her fingertips. “I’ll call you, honey,” she said softly.
And then she turned and walked out of the room.
As the door closed behind Mom, it felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room with her. It was hard to take a breath, harder still to stay upright. I’ll call you. What did that mean? Would she call tonight? Tomorrow? A month from now?
“Fred?”
My insides tightened at the sound of Margery’s voice. I clenched my teeth so hard I thought they might crack. This was her fault. Her doing. She was the one who’d put the whole crazy idea of not being able to fix Mom in my head, not me. Why had I listened to her? What had I done?
“Fred, are you okay?”
My fingers curled into fists as something big and black began to rise in the middle of my chest. It was like an octopus, complete with long, flailing tentacles and dark eyes, and if I hadn’t been sure I had an animal inside me before, now I was certain. I could already hear the words forming in my head, the loud, terrible ones I would fire at Margery, over and over again until I was sure I had hurt her, certain she was down.
But you have this awful side that wants to hurt people because you’re hurting, and you don’t know what else to do with it except push it on someone else.
Delia’s words rang in my ears as I turned around, and my knees went weak. The awful things that had been making their way up to my mouth seemed to evaporate off my tongue. The octopus withdrew its terrible tentacles and slithered back from where it had come, and now there was nothing left but empty space.
My knees buckled. I dropped to the floor and leaned forward, pressing my forehead against the red carpeting. I thought of Toby then and how he’d looked before we’d given him a bath, when he’d given up fighting against the hose and stood there with his head down low between his shoulders, until it was over. He’d known in that moment that it was a battle he couldn’t win. No matter how much he wanted to. No matter how hard he tried.
My cries startled me, rushing out of my mouth like something pulled by unseen hands. I let them move through me. I let them come. I had no choice. The feelings were too strong. Too big. The crying turned into sobbing, and the sobbing turned into weeping. I cried and sobbed and wept so hard that Margery, who had already gotten down on her knees and was holding me by the shoulders, laid me flat on the floor and stroked my forehead.
And after a while, the tears stopped coming. My nose was stuffy and my head hurt, but something inside felt different.
Emptier.
A little bit sadder.
/> But stronger, too, as if all the sadness and emptiness had formed a bridge of some kind, and instead of walking under it and looking up, I was walking over it. For the first time in my life, I was standing on my own two legs, peering out at the view. Wobbly legs, for sure, but the view was wide and bright and it seemed to stretch on forever.
Carmella walked Margery and me out to the parking lot. The sun hovered behind a shelf of clouds in the distance, and the wind had stilled. Carmella buttoned her coat and then put an arm around my shoulder. “I’ll check in next week,” she said. “Okay?”
I nodded.
She fiddled with the row of silver earrings in her ear. “I know that was probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, Fred. But it was the right thing. I just want you to know how proud I am of you.”
Her words felt like a hug I hadn’t known I’d wanted until she gave it to me. And before I could stop myself, I reached out and hugged her back.
She held me for a moment and then let go. “You’re a great kid, Fred.” Her eyes were wet. “A really, really great kid.”
We said our goodbyes, and Margery and I climbed onto Luke Jackson and peeled out of the parking lot. As the engine hummed and the wind whipped past us, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Please, Mom, I thought to myself. Please find a way to get better. I opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder one last time. The city skyline loomed behind us, small and jagged as a shipwreck. I stared at it as long as I could before it faded in the distance and disappeared from sight.
Just when we made the final turn off the highway and headed down the road to Lancaster, it began to rain. Softly at first, but then picking up speed, until pretty soon, it was coming down in slanted sheets. The wind howled behind it, sweeping over the tops of the trees in great gusts.
I held my breath, waiting for Margery to pull Luke Jackson over, but she only ducked her head a little and kept on going. She steered the bike with confidence and didn’t slow down. Not once. I wondered for the second time if rain could really wash away the things you’d left behind the way Margery had said it did for her in Oregon. Maybe it could. Maybe it couldn’t. Either way, it was a good thing to think about.
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