Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  I sit down on her couch, which is a few feet away from the bed. “Maybe they are from Brody. Those two are pretty close. They probably do get a little rough. Kellan doesn’t help when he hits on Lola all the time.”

  Rachel rolls her eyes. “He only hits on her because it’s funny to see Brody react. Anyway, I’ve watched them horsing around. They don’t hit that hard. And besides, sometimes he has nail marks. I asked him if he was sleeping with someone else and he said no. I believe him because he’s always bugging me. If he had someone on the side, he wouldn’t be after me so much.”

  I place my elbow on my knee and rest my chin on my palm. “The way I see it, he’s almost eighteen years old. If she’s hitting him, then it’s been going on for a long ass time. And he doesn’t want to talk about it, so don’t worry. Unless he gets really hurt, then you definitely need to worry. But I’ve met Mrs. Dean. She’s a tiny thing compared to Kellan. If she got really violent with him, then I think he could hold her down without effort. He’s going to be off at college soon, then you don’t have to worry about it at all.”

  She chews on the inside of her cheek for a minute and I wonder what’s going through her mind. “You want me to sit here and do nothing? That doesn’t seem right.”

  “You’re a teenaged girl, Rachel. And you don’t even know if she’s hitting him. Just because she’s a bitch and he has bruises doesn’t mean he’s getting abused. What if you went to the cops with this? They would investigate and if nothing was wrong, a stain would still be over Mrs. Dean. They take that stuff very seriously,” I tell her, shifting my feet to under me on the couch.

  Rachel still pinches the bedspread, lost in thought. When she finally speaks it’s annoyed, yet happy. “I guess I can’t do anything unless he wants me to.” Then she laughs. “I got drunk at this party and I called him to come get me.” She finally stops pinching the bedspread and looks up at me. “I’ve always had this thing for him. He’s just so funny and kind. He never treated me like Royal’s sister. So I kissed him when he was trying to get me out of the car. The rest is history.”

  “Don’t you want more though? Having sex is nice and all, but don’t you want a relationship?” I question timidly.

  She rolls her eyes. “We are boyfriend and girlfriend. We just haven’t told Royal yet, and that’s his thing, not mine. I want to tell Royal. I don’t like keeping things from him. He’s the only family that counts.”

  I shrug. Ugh with the shrugging! “Then tell him. If Kellan really wants to be with you, then he won’t truly care if you tell Royal.”

  Speaking of the devil, Royal barges in and looks around at us. “You’ve been gone for an hour. Let’s go study.” Then he waggles his eyebrows.

  Rachel makes a disgusted face before telling me, “Thanks for the advice. I’ll think about it.” Then she pulls her cell out of her pocket and starts texting.

  I hold Royal’s hand out of Rachel’s room and all the way to his. “What was that about?” he inquires, his face a little worried.

  I smile brightly and reach up to kiss his nose. “Girl stuff. She wanted to know who I thought was hotter, Harry Styles or Robert Pattinson.”

  Royal pretends to gag and sits down on his bed. “Okay, I’ve heard enough.”

  Then we spend the rest of the evening studying and…well, you know.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I have a plan. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away and that seems like the perfect time to spring Royal on Pierce and Annabella. That way we can figure out if being together is truly what we want. Or should I say, if that’s what he wants. I just don’t see him sticking around, based on the fact that I’m a nutcase. I mean, I have forgone happiness to hang on to my dead boyfriend. For a while I was with him. Dead inside completely. I don’t think I would have come back from that without Royal. He was there when no one else was.

  Royal is so alive in everything he does. That’s why I’m so drawn to him. I’ve been holding on to the darkness of death and I need his light. And in order for us to be in a healthy relationship, I have to say goodbye to Trey. It’s the one thing I’ve been dreading. While I go on with life, he’s still walking beside me. He’s still there, unless I’m with Royal. And I like that peace. I freaking need that peace.

  It’s almost ten at night but I’m already in bed. I had a feeling this night would be hard for me, so I left Royal’s hours ago. The first thing I did when I got home was change into one of Trey’s shirts. Then I laid in bed for a long time thinking about him. And now as I climb out of bed, I vow that today will be the last time I cry for Trey.

  To move on with my life, I have to put him in a box and seal it. No, I won’t ever forget him, and I know that now. And no, I won’t ever stop loving him. I’ll always love my bright beautiful Trey, the one who made me laugh constantly. The one who loved me unconditionally and faithfully. I know it’s okay to be sad, but at some point, I have to move on with my life and it’s going to get done.

  I open my closet door and pull out the boxes of stuff I didn’t ever go through. The first thing I pull out is a mixed CD. In his handwriting are all the songs on a piece of notebook paper, stuck on the inside of the case. I see a list of his favorite songs and smile. We always had similar tastes, but he refused to listen to the pop that I do. I refused to listen to his heavy metal. All the growling and screaming, I can’t even understand what they are saying. That didn’t stop Trey. He sang along to every song, all the words just coming to him. He never got them wrong.

  The next thing I pull out is a photo album. This is almost enough to kill me because it is full of him and me. Junior prom is at the beginning. My dress was a light pink and strapless. It was flowy and trailed behind me when I walked around. I loved it. And Trey had fun taking it off of me that night. Pierce and Annabella went with us. Though Pierce brought his girlfriend and Annabella went with Donovan.

  Pierce has a different girlfriend now. I don’t spend much time with her. She’s kind of stupid and into Hello Kitty. Come to think of it, I don’t know why Pierce is into her either. Annabella and I have sat at lunch and made fun of her while Pierce wasn’t listening in. I think he keeps her around so he doesn’t have to go looking for sex. It’s wrong and stupid, but Pierce is a guy.

  There are a few photos of us out on dates and hanging out with friends. The back half of the book is all of me. I’m doing different things throughout but you can tell I’m thinking about Trey in all of them. My face is relaxed and happy. My smile is full of joy. And that is what I’ll remember the most about him. About how happy we were and how I could have spent my life with him and never regretted it.

  The thing I’m becoming more and more clear with is, no matter how perfect we were and no matter how happy I was, he is gone. Life moves on from death. Life is also unfair and unkind. Taking Trey from me was probably the worst thing life could have thrown at me. But now everything is different. Life has given me Royal, who isn’t anything like Trey, but I know I can be just as happy with him. Maybe more so. Because with Royal there is a chance of drama and fighting. I never fought with Trey. We never disagreed about anything and it made it boring. And no, I didn’t realize that until just now. I never thought I would say it, but I need drama in my life.

  There are a few more knickknacks in the box. A lone DVD, his favorite gold chain necklace I gave him for Christmas, and a baseball. I thought I had reached the end but I was wrong. Sitting at the very bottom is a small black box. Kay Jewelers is printed on the lid. I wonder if it’s a pair of earrings or a necklace he picked out for our anniversary. When I lift the lid I find another box, but it doesn’t have earrings or a necklace in it. No, inside that box is the one thing that could ruin my progress.

  My hands shake as I carefully take the ring box out. I flip open the box on a silent scream. Grief, rage, sorrow, and hopelessness settle into my body. Because in that box sits an engagement ring. A silver band with a perfect princess cut diamond in the middle. Simple, perfect, elegant, all the things we were together. I’m froz
en in time just looking at it. My life crashing all around me.

  Trey was going to ask me to marry him.

  Then he was taken from me.

  I calmly set the box down, with the lid still open. I stand up and barely notice that my hands are shaking. I pick up my old softball bat, which is propped up in my closet. I walk over to my dresser and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t comprehend that I look deranged. I look fucking crazy.

  I look like death.

  The bat connects with the mirror making a loud crashing sound as the glass shards fall around me. I think one stabs into my arm, but I don’t notice. I swing the bat at the stuff collected on top of my dresser. I break fingernail polish, shatter makeup, and break apart the wood before my mom and Bentley run into the room.

  I swing the bat at Bentley when he tries to reach out for me. “Don’t touch me!” I scream, my voice uncontrolled and crazy.

  “Wesley…” Bentley is breathing hard and crying but it doesn’t penetrate my thoughts. No, right now I’m stuck in a place where no one can reach me. My rage controls my movements and my actions. It wants me to destroy everything because I’m completely destroyed inside.

  Bentley and mom are stuck in the doorway, both afraid to move toward me. At this point I’ll use the bat to destroy anyone who gets in my way. I start swinging into walls, making huge holes in the plaster. I don’t care. I’ll tear down this entire house. I don’t care about anything anymore.

  “Is that…” Bentley says and I see him point at something on my floor out of the corner of my eye.

  “Oh Jesus,” my mom mutters but I don’t listen. “Call Victor. Get him over here and tell him to bring Pierce and Annabella. Tell him to hurry.”

  When Bentley moves out of the doorway it startles me and I swing the bat close to my mom’s head. Thankfully she backs away but in the state I’m in it doesn’t really matter. “Baby girl, Wesley, please, please stop this. I know you’re hurting and I know you don’t want to do this. Please put the bat down. Please, you are scaring me to death, baby, please…” she keeps begging me but I don’t hear. I don’t hear anything in my head really, just the sound of Trey asking me to marry him then I hear his mother’s voice telling me he’s going to die.

  Royal was wrong all those weeks ago. It wasn’t me who was going to break him; no it was me who was going to break me.

  ***

  “Wesley, put the bat down. If you don’t calm down, we are letting Victor in here. You won’t like what he’s going to do. I promise you that.” Annabella’s raspy voice floats into the fog in my head.

  They got here fast. It was only twenty minutes ago that Bentley left to get his phone. I still have the bat in front of me, protecting me from them. They will make me hurt more, I know it. They will make me talk about it and I don’t want that. I want to stand here in my rage forever. I don’t want to think about that box and what’s in it. I want the voices in my head to go away too. I can’t take it anymore.

  “Look at her feet. You have to send Vic in there. She’s going to hurt herself real bad.” Pierce sounds so scared, something I never thought I would hear.

  It sort of breaks through my fog but not completely. “Are you scared Pierce? You shouldn’t be! I’m the one who has to live with this! I’m the one carrying around this pain! Not you!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

  The crowd in my doorway all blanches. I don’t blame them. I look like a deranged wild animal. I’m thinking like one too. I want to slam this bat into my cousin’s face. I want someone to hurt with me too.

  Pierce comes out of his stupor first and quickly shuts my door. He’s on the inside and they are all on the outside. He locks it before they can stop him. “I’m more scared right now than I have been since I was a little boy. I love you, Wesley. You’re more like my fucking sister then my cousin, I would die for you. I would die to take this pain away from you, but I can’t. I know what it’s like though. Not the deep searing that you do, but I know one ounce of it. I know what it’s like to love someone with everything you have and they are nowhere to be found.

  “Put the bat down, Wes, please. I’m going to send Vic in here, I swear to god I am. He’s going to knock you out with his special forces mojo. You don’t want that.” Banging starts on the door and we both look at it.

  I’m already lowering the bat because something Pierce said makes the pain more bearable. I know what it’s like to love someone with everything you have and they are nowhere to be found. “Open the door, Pierce! Right the fuck now!” Victor yells through the door.

  I flinch and drop the bat on the floor. I start to walk toward Pierce but he stops me. “Wait! Don’t move! Let Vic come in here and carry you. There is glass everywhere and you already have most of it in your feet,” he tells me, his eyes wide and full of pain. I look down at my feet and sure enough I have glass shards dug into my feet. There are bloody footprints from where I’ve moved around. I look back at Pierce and nod.

  Pierce turns around and unlocks the door before moving out of the way for Victor. Victor scares me on a good day, so I shrink away from him but he doesn’t react. I’ve known him since I was little so he’s used to it. His huge combat boots crunch over the glass on my bedroom floor before he scoops me up into his arms. He carries me past the worried faces of my family and that’s when the tears start to roll down my face.

  Why does being in pain hurt everyone around you?

  Pierce is right behind Victor, so I reach out and he grabs my hand. He is the only one who gets it, even if only a little bit. “Don’t leave me,” I sob out, burying my head against Victor’s shoulder.

  “I won’t, Wes,” Pierce says, his own voice full of tears.

  When we get to the couch, Victor nods at Pierce to sit down. He does and then I’m gently lowered into Pierce’s lap. Pierce makes me lay my head against the armrest. My Aunt Lily appears down by my feet with a first aid kit. “Will she need stiches?” my mom asks from somewhere behind my head.

  Aunt Lily carefully moves my feet around before answering. “No. These are all little pieces. It might hurt her a bit when I have to dig some of them out.”

  “I won’t feel it, Aunt Lily. I don’t feel anything.” Tears flow down my face. I lied to her; I do feel one thing and that’s overwhelming grief. Because for me, I lost Trey all over again, but this time Royal went with him.

  “She got one in her arm, mom,” Pierce chokes out and I look down at my arm. It’s a bigger piece stuck there, but I don’t really notice.

  Aunt Lily comes to look at it and appears relieved. “That one won’t need stiches either.”

  After that Ash and Victor go into the kitchen to make coffee for everyone. I didn’t even know Ash was here. Figures though, she hardly goes anywhere without Victor. Annabella comes and lays her head on my stomach. After a few minutes I start running my fingers through her hair and it gives me comfort.

  Aunt Lily works for an hour, getting all the pieces of glass out. Bentley paces back and forth behind the couch and I watch him with my eyes. I’ve seriously freaked him out. I think I’ve freaked everyone out. Well not Victor, he doesn’t get freaked out. He’s calm at all times. Mom is on the phone with dad, who had to work tonight. They talk about sending me back to the mental ward, but I think they finally agree not to.

  I honestly don’t care either way.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “How do you feel today, Wesley?” Michele asks me from behind her big desk.

  I shrug. That’s my answer for everything the past couple of days. Nothing matters to me anymore. I want to waste away, be nobody.

  Michele taps her pen against her desk and gives me a “do you think I’m going to let that go?” look. “You’ve been sitting there for ten minutes in silence. Have you decided not to speak anymore?” She raises one of her eyebrows and things start to click in my head. Rachel does that all the time. Plus Royal has Michele’s smile.

  I sit forward in my chair and look her over seriously. Her eyes are the same sou
lful brown that Royal has. The twins also inherited her brown hair. Rachel got her looks from Michele; I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. “What’s your last name?” Those are the first words I’ve said since Monday night. It’s Thursday today, so my voice sounds dry and unused.

  Michele sets her pen down and opens a drawer in her desk. She pulls out a nameplate and sets it down in front of me. It reads “Michele Sanders”. “You know who I am.”

  “I only became friends with Rachel this week. Before that I didn’t spend that much time looking at her. I would never have guessed if she hadn’t befriended me,” I tell her, a slight smile on my lips.

  Michele grins and I find it lightens up her face. She doesn’t look so intense anymore. “Yes, Rachel and I share similar facial features. But Royal gets his personality from me, and we both know you have a heavier relationship with him.”

  I shrug again. “I did. I was hoping for more. But life has other ideas.”

  Michele gets up from her chair and walks around the desk. Her suit is expensive and tailored to fit her perfectly. Her brown hair is pulled up into a high bun, not a single strand out of place. “I’m sorry I hid my identity. When Royal told me he had a friend coming here for treatment, I figured I could get you to open up more if you didn’t know whose mother I was.”